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| Part 4 |
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Scarily happy Ray was sat at his desk plonking away at the report he was typing, as per usual keeping the makers of white-out in business, when the civilian aide covering Elaine’s duties during her vacation wedged a sheet of paper from the fax machine under his elbow. “Thank you kindly, Connie,” he smiled, reinforcing the young woman’s impression of what a nice, polite detective he was, and why couldn’t a few more of them be like him, eh? “It seems kind of important, Detective,” she verbally nudged when he showed no sign of taking a look at the page. “Yeah, don’t they all! I’ll get around to it.” Report finally completed, Ray zipped it from the typewriter and tossed it into it’s folder before turning to the fax. He skim read it the first time. Then he read it more thoroughly. Finally he took it word for word, letting the information sink into every cell of his being. “Oh, Jesus. Jesus.” It was barely more than a whisper, but everyone in the entire bullpen seemed to hear and turned in his direction in time to see him drop his head despairingly into his hands. Maybe it was the sound of his world crashing in on him that caught their attention. There were an awful few minutes when a whole lot of people knew they should be saying or doing something to help, but not one of them could even raise the courage to cross the room. “Timing, timing, timing,” Huey was heard to murmur as he caught a flash of red out of the corner of his eye. Ben felt the atmosphere as he entered the room and he faltered in the doorway, before seeing Huey trying to capture his attention. Contact made, the detective nodded in Ray’s direction and that was all it took to bring the Mountie up to speed. He determinedly approached Ray’s desk, hesitating for a second time as he experienced the palpable wash of desolation radiating from his friend, glaring at the room in general to send people back to their work. Ben dropped his Stetson on the desk and came to Ray’s side, crouching close, trying to engender a little privacy whilst knowing that every curious/concerned eye was surreptitiously trained on them. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly. “Ray?” Ray gave a brief shake of his head, leaving Ben to take the obvious step of reading the fax on the desk in front of Ray. His heart didn’t know whether to pound or stop. “Ray,” he tried again, resting his hand on the nearest bony wrist. Ray jerked away. “Don’t touch me, Benny,” he hissed. “It’s happening. We’ve been had and it’s happening. I’ve got that fucking disease.” He rose awkwardly and pushed past Ben, almost knocking him flying. Alerted by the eerie silence, Welsh was in the doorway of his office in time to see Ray hurtle past to the exit, and the rest of his department staring after him in shock or sympathy or pure nosiness after hearing his last words. He looked around, expecting and finding Ben. “In my office, Constable,” he gave the shaken man an escape route. “And the rest of you…” The department leapt back into action before he had a chance to finish his sentence, and he ushered Ben into his office and closed the door and blinds. Ben slipped the fax onto his desk and waited as the lieutenant read. “Are you okay, son?” he asked as he came to the end of the few damning lines. “Those two men are the first of Hespetti’s victims to have a six-month test?” “Yes.” Ben’s world shifted sideways and he wasn’t sure he could hang on to his footing. “Sir…may I sit down?” “Yes, sit, sit,” Welsh gestured toward the chair where Ray had sat not so long ago to hear his alleged good news. “Sure you’re okay?” How could anyone be that pale and still have circulation? “I will be, Sir.” Ben paused, forced his mind to think in a straight line. “I take it there will be enquiries to ascertain whether there was an independent source of…of…” “Infection,” Welsh managed the word that Ben couldn’t. “I would imagine the 21st are already onto it.” The lieutenant felt pity bite into his gut as he looked at the devastated Mountie. “Can I leave you alone for a few minutes, Constable?” Ben nodded vaguely. “I just have to go and find out who was stupid enough to give this straight to Detective Vecchio, and then I’ll have the pleasure of throwing them out of my department.” Composure regained – on
the surface at least – and oblivious to the commotion beyond his cocoon of
misery, Ben collected his hat, noticed and picked up Ray’s keys from the desk,
exited the Station House. He found the Riv
and climbed in; trusting that Ray would head for sanctuary, he drove slowly and
carefully to He found Ray slumped at the kitchen table, arms crossed on the surface, head bowed onto them. During the drive over he’d lectured himself: ‘Don’t fuss, don’t crowd, don’t cry, don’t overreact, be logical…’ But the moment he saw Ray all that he wanted to do was hold him and tell him everything was going to be fine. He didn’t however. He checked himself, went through the usual routine of putting the kettle on the stove and setting out mugs, preparing coffee and tea, though it was with shaking hands that he could not persuade to still. Coffee made, he placed it at Ray’s elbow. There was no response, and Ben needed one, whatever it was. He reached out and ran a hand over the back of Ray’s head; the effect was instantaneous: Ray jerked away, out of the seat, but wasn’t prepared for Ben’s lightening reactions and found himself bodily shoved up against the nearest wall, pinned there by the Mountie’s solid form. He attempted to free himself but found it impossible to match Ben’s strength; he settled for glaring furiously. “Don’t reject me,” Ben told him firmly. “You need me.” “Let go, Benny.” “Not until you agree we can discuss this rationally.” “Oh, right! Do I seem rational at the moment? Is this a good time?” “This is the best time.” Ray fought the screaming fit that was bubbling under the surface, swallowed against the nausea, threw his head back against the wall with a resounding thud in an effort to find some physical pain to detract from the emotional. Ben’s hand shifted, cupping the back of his skull before he could do it again. “Please, Ray. Please.” Soft words that could undermine the firmest resolve. The hold that was Ben restraining his friend became Ben supporting him, and as Ray’s fight ebbed away he became weak, boneless, allowing himself to be manoeuvred back to the table before he slid down the wall. “I can’t do this now, Benny,” his voice was raw, choked. “Then why come here? My home is hardly the best place to avoid me.” “I don’t want to avoid you. I just… Do we have to talk about it?” “Yes, I think we do. We have to talk our way past the fear.” Ray stared at the table where their hands were locked together. He wanted to withdraw, protect Ben; recognising irrational panic didn’t make it any less real. “They were both positive.” “I know that.” “I have to stop touching you.” “No, Ray…” “Yes, Benny. Humour me?” Ben reluctantly let go and Ray sat back in his chair, crossing his arms and tucking his hands away. “I know it doesn’t make sense. I know that.” “I think your reaction is more about how close we have been, than how close we are at this particular moment.” Ray winced. Oh, God, why did he have to be as accurate as a Mafia stiletto? “You think you’ve put me in danger.” “I…I was lulled into a false sense of security,” Ray admitted slowly, before continuing to tell Ben about his conversation with Welsh about Hespetti’s hypodermics and their contents. “See, I wanted to believe it was all going to sort itself out. I took risks.” “But you didn’t, Ray. We’ve been many times more careful than we needed to be.” “There you go, being rational again!” Up, pacing. “I know – not I think, or I feel, or I guess – I know I should have stopped this before it started.” “It wasn’t all you.” “If I’d’ve laid off the bottle when we were at the cabin I would never have been drunk or stupid or brave enough to tell you how I feel. And if I hadn’t said what I said there, what happened here would never have happened here. And when you kissed me that first time, I should’ve made sure it was the last time.” “I wouldn’t have let you.” “You shouldn’t have even been thinking about it! You’ve admitted that you never even went there before I put the idea in your head!” “This subject is totally unproductive. There’s no reason for recrimination, and we certainly can’t change what has already happened.” “But we can change what happens from now.” Ray paused, caught his breath. “We go back to being friends, nothing more.” “Ray!” “That’s it, decision made.” “I have no say in this?” “No.” “I can’t just…” “Yes, you can, Benny. And unless you’re prepared to slam me up against the wall every time you want something you’re gonna have to let it go.” “Maybe I’m prepared to do just that,” Ben retorted, catching Ray completely by surprise. “I may simply have to.” “That’s…that’s not in you.” “No?” Ben studied Ray’s face as
memories flooded into his friend’s mind, and he knew the episode with “I’m leaving, Benny, and I don’t want any strong-arm tactics, okay?” He pulled out his phone and went straight to memory 222, ordering a cab and ignoring Ben’s attempts to catch his eye. As soon as the call was finished Ben dipped into his pocket for the keys to the car. “The Riv is downstairs.” “Keep it.” “You can’t be serious.” “I can’t? Every time I’m in it I remember stuff I don’t want to remember. It’s where it all started.” “But you love the Riv, Ray.” Ben gave a short humourless laugh. “Probably more than you love me.” Ray turned on him furiously. “There is nothing, nothing, I love more than you.” Unshed tears glittered in his eyes, and the effort it took not to simply explode into a strident, flailing ball of fury was enough to make him tremble from head to toe. “This is not the time to turn smart-mouthed on me, Benny.” “I’m sorry. Truly sorry.” “I’ll wait out front.” “Understood. Call me when… Just call me.” Ray was out of words. He gave a quick nod and left, wondering what the hell he was doing, where he was going. In the street he automatically turned to where the Riv was parked; he strolled around it to where the latest damage had been repaired, studying the work dispassionately before turning his back and leaning against the hood. ‘This is me sitting on Benny’s car,’ he told himself with a sad smile. ‘Hey, Benny, cool car. Really cool. I always wanted one just like it.’ … Ben didn’t think he would make it through the first day without Ray. Then he thought a week would be impossible. Coming up on a month he was still going through the motions of his life, insensible to stimuli, lost in memories that brought him more happiness and misery than he had ever experienced. Inspector Thatcher tried every trick in her formidable repertoire to get a Fraser-esque response, from unprecedented flattery to verbal abuse that would have terrorised a squadron of marines, but nothing could touch him or rouse him. He’d simply pay attention in that strange vague way he’d developed, carry out orders without question or debate, then, when he was left to his own devices, he’d lapse into taciturn depression. Or water the plant. Ray felt like every nerve in his body had been screwed over and was throbbing with pain. Sure he was showing the first signs of his illness he didn’t mention it to anyone in the hope that a) it would go away of its own accord, b) he’d drop dead so fast he wouldn’t have time to think about it, or c)… Shit, only his Mountie could heal him. This was Canadian deprivation of the first degree. He’d lost count of the amount of times his hand had been on the phone, ready to dial the Consulate, or Ben’s cell. What could he say? ‘Can I just look at you for a while, because that’s all I’m allowing myself to do?’ He’d only seen him once since…since…yeah, that day, and it was behind the wheel of the Riv. He’d smiled at that: Ben driving the Riv, and driving it well with a little practise and without the threat of Ray’s brooding scrutiny hanging over him. They’d been travelling in different directions at an intersection, Ray in an unmarked with smoked windows that left him free to stare without being spotted, and Ben had looked worn, tired… Oh, be honest with yourself, Vecchio, he looked heartbroken. You did that. One month and heading into an unbearable second when Ray’s cell phone rang at three in the morning, shooting him awake from a dream that he was frankly grateful to be out of. “Vecchio,” he said dopily. “Hello, Ray.” Ray was instantly awake. “Benny? Benny?” “I’m sorry for waking you.” “No, no, don’t be sorry. I’m glad you did. Great timing.” “Bad dream?” “Yeah. Look, are you okay? No, don’t answer that, it’s the dumbest question I ever asked.” There was a hollow pause before Ben spoke again. “I’ve made a decision, Ray.” “You have? What about?” “I’ve been offered a transfer…” Ben hesitated at the sound of Ray’s breath hitching. “I’ve decided that if we can’t be together I’ll take it.” Ray was up and dressing. “Benny, the test…” “Regardless of the test results. We’re together, or I leave. I don’t mean to be cruel but I can’t survive here alone.” “If we get it wrong, I could kill you.” “Ray…I’m dying now. Inside I’m dying.” “Don’t say that.” “How has your month been, Ray? What degree of hell?” “Benny…” “I hope we’ll talk again before I go.” “Benny, don’t you hang up on me! Benny? Benny!” Ray sneaked out of the house as quietly as he could, and was opening the car door when he heard his name hissed behind him. “Maria, what are you doing? Get inside before you freeze to death.” “You’re going to see “Yeah, I got this call and he sounded really weird.” “Ray…” Maria glanced back at the house before speaking conspiratorially. “Take a chance, Ray, and don’t blow it.” “What?” “We both know what I’m saying here. For God’s sake, be brave!” Maria patted his cheek in a ‘your sister always knows best’ kind of way that she hadn’t used since he was nine years old before scurrying back to the front door, leaving Ray considering just how surreal a moment that was. He parked behind the Riv outside Ben’s apartment building, automatically giving his – no, Ben’s – car an affectionate glance as he ran toward the entrance, taking the stairs two at a time once he was inside. He nervously tapped at Ben’s door, and on receiving no reply, cautiously entered. Ben was on the bed, staring listlessly at the ceiling, feet tucked under Dief’s snoring form. “Hey, Benny.” Although quietly spoken his words sounded incredibly loud. “I was worried about you,” Ray continued, ever more softly. Ben didn’t acknowledge him in any way. He hesitated, took a few steps into the room before saying what he really wanted to say. “I can’t accept that you’d leave.” “It’s something that always happens, Ray. A month ago you left me. In another month I’ll leave you.” “No, please. Please, Benny, I’m begging you here.” Ray crossed and sat on the edge of the bed, gently turning Ben’s face to look at him. “I’m sorry I shut you out. I know it sounds ridiculous but I only did it…” “Because you love me,” Ben finished for him flatly. “Yes.” “So why does it feel like you don’t love me enough to trust or respect me?” “Come on, you’re the one person I do… What? Get out! Benny, your wolf has his entire head in my pocket!” “You made that particular rod for your own back,” Ben sighed, covering his tired eyes with his forearm. “Doughnuts, pastries, candy…” “Shame he wouldn’t touch the breath mints – will you get off! Thank you! Now see what’s happened? Come here, you stupid mutt, you’re back-combed! So, are all the best wolves going bouffant this year?” Ray smoothed Dief’s fur and rubbed behind his ears before shooing him away and turning his attention back to Ben, surprised to see the tail end of a smile on his face. That beautiful mouth… God, why was he being so dense about this? What was the point in wanting to live if he alienated the one person who made life worthwhile? ‘Take a chance, Ray, and don’t blow it.’ Ray shifted, leant closer, touched his lips to those he admired so devotedly. Ben jerked in surprise before accepting the kiss and sliding his arm around Ray’s neck, easing devotion into passion as his tongue sought entrance to Ray’s mouth and was instantly given what it demanded. Ray shuddered with pleasure and relief: it was bliss, it was fireworks, it was winning the World Series, it was…it was coming home. He slid his hands over the cloth covering the Mountie’s chest, finding buttons, opening, entering; Ben groaned as he felt the cool hands on his hot flesh, the gentle scrape of nails that made him squirm and goosebump, the teasing strokes tracing muscles and bones. Ray’s mouth travelled down Ben’s neck, sucking and marking, onto his chest where it explored and aroused one nipple then the other; licking the shape of his rib cage, biting the skin over quivering stomach muscles as it continued its descent. Ray was suddenly yanked away by a hand grasping the rear of his collar. “No,” Ben croaked, before clearing his throat. “No.” “Ah, Benny…” “You’ll do this, behave as if everything is back to normal, and then you’ll leave me again.” “This is me loving you, Benny, not trying to pull a fast one. I promise we’ll be together, if you promise not to ask for too much too soon. But you’ve got to know that when the test comes back positive…” “If.” “If the test comes back positive I’ll always have problems with us because I’m scared for you.” “But you’ll stay with me?” “You have my word. I’ll stay with you, live with you, tell the world, even ask the wolf for your hand! Just tell me you understand the limitations.” “I understand.” Ray stood and shrugged off his coat, throwing it over a chair. Ben followed every move with his eyes, smiling at the attire as it was revealed. “I’ve never seen you in that before.” Ray glanced down at the sweatsuit. “I’ve taken up running, been trying to wear myself out so I could sleep through eight hours.” “Has it worked?” “Nope. I’m looking forward to dying just so’s I can quit.” “Ray, don’t…” “Joking, joking, joking!” Ray kicked off his trainers and laid down beside Ben, his own arousal soaring at the expression of lust and expectation on Ben’s face, running a proprietary hand over his exposed stomach before dipping under the red material and inching toward his groin. “Tell me you love me.” “I do, Ray. I love you with everything I am.” “You sure you want me to touch you?” Ben’s breath caught momentarily. “Please.” Ray’s fingers found their eager target, exposing it to the thin yellow light that crawled in from the street, and he explored every enthralling inch with loving fascination before his touch became more insistent and Ben was trembling with the exertion of making this last. “You want to come for me, Precious?” Ray whispered, and those words were almost enough to tip Ben into orgasm. Speechless, breathless, Ben gave a quick nod. Ray shuffled down the bed a couple of feet, touching the tip of his tongue to Ben’s cock and closing his eyes to concentrate on first contact, savouring and learning the unique flavour of his love, memorising contours with his mouth. Ben hissed his name and Ray felt fingers raking through the hair on the back of his head, knowing what Ben wanted but recognising that he was too polite to add the necessary pressure himself. Ray took Ben deeply into his mouth until he felt the head of Ben’s cock nudge the back of his throat, then repositioned himself slightly and took Ben further, hearing a gasp of excitement as he swallowed and his throat muscles closed hard around the intrusion. Despite the mouthful of cock Ray still managed to smile at Ben’s groaned reaction: he knew this felt exceptionally good, and as he’d never met a woman who could do it the chances were that neither had Ben and this was the first time. He also knew he’d taken Ben too far to expect him to control himself and, pulling back slightly, he sucked hard as Ben bucked against the hands holding his hips, releasing streams of hot, bitter semen that Ray held in his mouth to experience fully before slowly swallowing. Ben lay in a positive daze for several minutes, his entire system overwhelmed by the strength of his orgasm. Ray carried on exploring, his caring licks and touches bringing Ben floating down as opposed to the usual plummet and emptiness. Then Ben’s head cleared sufficiently for him to realise how selfish he was being, and he was reaching down, grasping Ray by the shoulders and pulling him back up the bed. “Let me…” “Oh, no, not a chance in hell.” “Just…” Ben laid his hand over the pronounced bulge at Ray’s groin, squeezing gently. “…like this.” Ray was already lost to the sensation and gave in to Ben without so much as the pretence of a struggle, returning Ben’s kisses distractedly as his body screamed for much needed fulfilment. Ben withdrew from the kiss and moved his lips to Ray’s ear. “Soon you’ll be tasting yourself in my mouth,” he whispered sweetly, and found himself with a groaning cop clinging to him as he came so hard he almost blacked out. They lay snuggled together, dozing until dawn broke. In the murky half-light Ray stirred and repositioned himself so he could stare at Ben in comfort. ‘You are all I have wanted for as long as I’ve known you,’ he thought to him tenderly before images of what he’d done to his friend earlier hurtled into his mind, and he blushed with pleasure. ‘I can’t believe I have you, this was never gonna happen, never in a lifetime.’ As a little more light seeped into the room Ray could distinguish marks on Ben’s pale neck; he barely remembered making them but was glad he had. His fingertips brushed against them and Ben stirred. “Mmm?” “You’re mine.” The words were even better aloud. “Benny, you’re mine. You know how long I’ve wanted to say that?” “Holding cell?” Ben murmured. “You mind me thinking that?” “Why should I? It’s true.” Ben’s eyes flickered open, saw where Ray was still looking. “Made your mark?” “I should’ve been more careful. Not sure your collar will hide it.” “And you love it,” Ben chuckled. “Yeah, I love it,” Ray grinned in response before trailing kisses from the dark red stain up to Ben’s lips. Before he could get too involved a recollection hit him and he had to share. “Benny, I have to tell you: Maria knows.” “Maria?” “Maria. She knows.” Ben nodded sagely. “I thought so.” “What? Why?” “Do you remember when your mother was given those garden ornaments and we were helping her decide where to place them?” “My back remembers them intimately.” “Well, Maria came into the garden to help and…she saw.” “What? Two guys positioning a water-spouting gargoyle so they must be doing each other?” “It isn’t a gargoyle, Ray, it’s a gothic boss…” “Benny!” “I was going back to the house to fetch your gloves and you stopped me to tell me where you’d left them.” “’Kay…I’m missing something significant here, ain’t I?” “I saw Maria see.” “See what?” “You took my hand.” “I took your hand?” “Men don’t generally take hold of another man’s hand to get their attention. They verbalise, tug a sleeve, throw things…” “I took your hand.” “Yes, Ray.” “And what did you do?” “I squeezed your fingers. Affectionately, yet without due thought or consideration under those particular circumstances.” “And Maria saw.” “I saw her see.” “Did she see you see that she saw?” “Yes.” “What happened?” “She smiled – not at me, to herself. Ray…I think she already knew.” “About us?” “About you.” “Now she knows about us.” “How do you know that she knows?” Ray explained about the short conversation he had had with his sister as he left home. “That’s…that’s quite touching, Ray.” “You think?” “She approves.” Ray stopped to consider the implications for the first time. He’d always expected any member of his family to go ballistic if they found out the truth about him. “Benny…she’s okay with it, my sister’s okay with it!” “She approves of us. You and I,” Ben sounded positively bewildered. “What do you expect? They all think you’re it. If we ever did bust up full time it’s you they’d want to keep!” Ben shut his eyes tight but not before Ray had seen the tears well up. Ray stroked Ben’s cheek with one finger. “Tell me.” “Being a part of something… Part of a family. I never thought…” Ray leant forward and kissed the frown from his face. “You’ve been a part of my
family for a long time, Benny. Maybe
you’ve been so busy thinking you’re on the outside looking in that you haven’t
noticed you’re one of us. You want me to
get Ma to adopt you?” he teased. “You’ll
have to be hyphenated: Benton Fraser-Vecchio.
“Ray…” “ “I… That sounds so wrong when you say it.” “Benny.” “And that sounds so right.” “What were you going to say?” “What was I… Oh, non-sequitur.” “Gardening shears?” “No, that would be secateur.” “Right. You trying to change the subject?” “Yes, Ray.” “Why can’t you just say you’re changing the subject?” “I’m changing the subject.” “See, that works for me.” “The talk of family led me to think about my father, which brought the cabin to mind, reminding me that there are arrangements to be made…” “This is about the test,” Ray sighed. Ben nodded, finding a hand to cling to and clutching it to his chest, unconsciously stroking the long fingers. “It’s booked. Two weeks.” “If I hadn’t have called you, would you have gone to the clinic alone?” “I may still go alone. It’s hardly family day out material.” “And after the test?” Ray shrugged. “We had plans. I hope we still do.” Ben saw Ray’s resolve waver. “We could go to the clinic, then head straight for the airport…” “Have I shown any kind of ability to say no to you recently?” “Well, actually…” “Don’t go there! It’s the fifteenth at nine-thirty. Clinic, airport, “If we’re at the end of the craziness.” “I promise you. Any more craziness and we’ll go crazy together.” “Then there’s nothing more to say about it. I forgive you; of course I forgive you.” Ray kissed Ben gratefully before turning carefully in the narrow bed, wriggling until he and Ben were spooned together and Ben’s arm was wrapped securely around his waist. “Oh, God, this is good,” Ray murmured sleepily. “You make me feel safe, you know that, Benny? My hot Mountie armour. Hot, hot, hot.” Ben smiled and pressed his mouth to the back of Ray’s head, catching the short hairs between his lips and running his tongue pleasurably along the blunt ends, all the time listening to Ray’s breathing deepen as he drifted into sleep. What if Ray had called
his bluff? There was no offer of a
transfer and he had absolutely no intention of leaving “I love you, Ray,” he whispered. “I’ll take care of you. Whatever happens.” … The entire personnel of both the 27th and the Consulate breathed a mass sigh of relief as it became obvious that their colleagues were back in good sorts. Welsh would often emerge from his office on little or no pretext to surreptitiously watch them together, hoping that the positive front they were presenting would see them through the next stage of the ordeal. Ray’s test date was marked in his diary and he had desperately hoped to have encouraging news about Hespetti’s other victims to offer him before it came about, but after the first disastrous results, the cops at the 21st had had great difficulty in persuading anyone to cooperate with their enquiries, rapidly finding themselves more preoccupied with stemming the wave of hits being negotiated on Hespetti and his associates. The days passed at remarkable speed and it seemed too short a time before Welsh was watching them walk out of a deserted bullpen the evening before the test, having completed the paperwork on Ray’s desk or passed the remaining files to other officers prior to leaving the country. Unaware that they were being observed, Ray put an arm around the Mountie’s waist and pulled him close, whispering into his ear. Welsh cleared his throat and diplomatically averted his eyes as they started, leapt apart and turned. “Detective…I wanted to wish you good luck.” Ray smiled and turned back to shake his Lieutenant’s hand. “Thank you, Sir, I appreciate it.” “I also wanted to assure you that there’s place for you here for as long as you want it. I won’t let you be pushed out by hysterical bureaucrats. Or hysterical cops for that matter.” “I’m going to think about my options once I know the result. See how I feel in myself, you know?” Welsh nodded pensively, wondering who this unruffled stranger was and what he’d done with the real Ray Vecchio. “We’ll be in touch, Sir,” Ben added, taking the Lieutenant’s offered hand. “I left the contact address for the cabin with Elaine should you need it,” Ray said with a final smile, backing toward the exit and drawing Ben and Diefenbaker along in his wake. Welsh nodded and dismissed them with a gesture, heading back to his desk and wondering if he would ever set eyes on either of them again. Outside the Station House Ray stood and watched as Ben unlocked the Riv and opened the driver’s door before hesitating and looking back to his partner. “Hey, Benny. Mind if I drive your car?” Ben laughed one of his rare laughs and Ray grinned as the keys came hurtling in his direction. They climbed into the car, turning to look at one another with knowing glances. “This is right,” Ben pronounced, settling back into the passenger seat, accepting a few comments from Dief in the back. “Any excuse to celebrate! You’ve turned into a good-time wolf and it’s got to stop.” “Too late for Italian?” Ray asked, throwing the question at Dief rather than Ben. Apparently Italian sounded great, and Ray started the engine, lovingly caressing the steering wheel. “Listen to that purr,” he sighed. “Yeah, Benny, you were right again.” “I was?” “I do love this car more than you.” A statement which he subsequently disproved, beginning his seduction of Ben the second they set foot into the Mountie’s apartment and, for the first time since they had renewed their commitment, making love to him with as much abandon as he safely dared; Ray knew that by ten-thirty the next morning he would be too scared to touch Ben for a very long time and had to make this night special. Post-coital and entwined, they talked about work, about the cabin, about everything they could think of that would keep them from talking about what they knew they should be talking about. “Does Lieutenant Welsh know?” Ben asked after considering the man’s demeanour earlier that evening. “I’m pretty sure. He implied it that other time, you know, when he spoke to me about Hespetti and the hypos.” “He seemed…” “Cool,” Ray finished for him. “He’s cool. Sometimes…sometimes these days I actually can believe he likes me. And I know he likes you because without you there wouldn’t be this me for him to like.” “I doubt that’s true, Ray.” Ben rolled onto Ray and kissed him hard. “I think you’re eminently likeable without any help from me. Although if the Lieutenant decided to ‘like’ you as much as I do, I’d be a little…irritated.” “Well, I would hope so too,” Ray grinned between kisses. “C’mon let me up. I’ve gotta spend some time with the family tonight – well, what’s left of tonight.” “Oh, Ray…” Ben wheedled. “Benny, you’re gonna have me to yourself for weeks.” “Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. I’m being selfish.” “Yes, you are, you’re a disgrace to your uniform, to your country, to all mankind, and I love you for it.” He ran his fingers through Ben’s hair, stared deep into his eyes. “I don’t think I tell you that enough.” “That I’m a disgrace to my uniform, my country…” “I love you.” Ben smiled and kissed Ray again, softly now. “If I turn into something unapproachable and beyond the power of rational thought or speech for the next six months, remember it won’t you? That I love you. Even if I change, that won’t.” “I’ll remember. I’ll know.” “I don’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. You know how happy you’ve made me?” “A fraction of how happy you’ve made me?” “I wish it had happened before. When I could have given you everything you want.” “You have. You have, Ray. I promise.” Ray swiped at a tear that was threatening to escape. “God, would you listen to us!” Another kiss, Ben making the most of it, making it last until he was pried off amid a variety of contrary protestations from both men. Ray replaced the minimal amount of clothing he’d removed before they’d hit the bed, finding the car keys in the pocket of his jacket. He studied them, remembered. “Still as bad?” Ben was quiet, reticent, wary of the answer. Ray thought some more, looked at Ben lying half in and half out of the sheets, beautiful, concerned, his. “Not still as bad. It was worth it.” “Worth it?” “I have you. Because of what happened I have you. I would never have told you…” His voice trailed to nothing and he moved to Ben, kissing his face and mouth repeatedly. Finally he stopped, took a deep breath, still slightly tearful. “I’m going. Tell me you love me.” “I love you, Ray.” “See you tomorrow.” “I’ll walk round to the house in the morning; it will give you more time with your family.” Ray hesitated. “No argument, Ray. I’ll get there for eight-thirty.” “Okay. I appreciate it.” “Everything will be fine.” “Okay.” Once Ray left Ben rose and wandered to the window, watching his friend reclaim the Riv and drive away. He knew it was going to be a tough evening for Ray, dealing with his family’s highly emotional fears, and an equally tough night, alone and facing what was possibly the most daunting day of his life. He’d appreciated why Ray wanted some time to himself – locked away in his room he could hope, despair, rant, or pray without an audience – and was comforted by the knowledge that if he was needed, Ray would come to him, at any time of the night: only three days ago Ray had gone home early then reappeared at two in the morning, slipping into bed beside him, draping an arm around his waist and falling asleep without a word. It had been a moment of great satisfaction – confirmation that their relationship had become so secure they were beyond explanations and permissions. He felt the weight on his legs as Dief decided he’d had enough of the floor and joined him on the bed, stretching out alongside him with a satisfied sigh. Ben automatically laid a hand on the solid head and rubbed behind an ear, comforted by the familiarity. Tapping on Dief’s nose to get his attention, he leant up and asked if he wanted to come with them to the cabin or stay with the Vecchios again. Dief pondered, debating homemade lasagne versus dog biscuits, but the feeling that his packmate somehow required his presence won out, and he magnanimously agreed to take the trip. Ben threw back the sheets and headed for his cell phone to make arrangements. Ray shut the door of his bedroom, leaning back against it and fleetingly wishing he’d been an only child – no, make that an only orphan. Two hours of assorted trauma before he’d been able to climb the stairs and seek solitude, two hours that made him genuinely consider whether he should be honest about the result of the test. Could they cope with knowing he was positive? Could he cope with their weeping, wailing, teeth-gnashing version of coping? Turning the key in the lock he stared around the room, wondering how he could feel so vulnerable in the space that had been his bolt hole for decades. Simple, he guessed: no Benny, no peace. This time tomorrow he would be at the cabin; blissful solitude, room to think and feel and centre himself. Him, Benny, and he doubted if Furface would be left out of the party for a third time. Family, Ray smiled. His other family. The family that would make his illness bearable because it would be accepted and dealt with and he would still be allowed to be Ray, rather than the shadow of Ray that was the dead man walking at the Vecchios. Time dragged by as he lay on the bed and considered the past and present, reliving the pain in his life along with the many joys; facing the future was harder, plagued with uncertainties. He fixed on the one thing he was sure of and clung to it: Benny. Closing his eyes and concentrating, he could smell his lover, taste him, recall the feel of his skin beneath his fingertips. The most irritating man in the world; the most perfect. And his. For life, for eternity. At a quarter to four in the morning Ray sat up and opened the drawer of his bedside cabinet, bringing out the rosary that he had been given at his confirmation. He slid to his knees and passed the well-worn rosewood beads through his fingers. He prayed for his family and his friends, briefly for himself, at length for his partner. Never did he pray to be free from the disease, only that Benny be protected, safe and healthy. … Ben arrived at the house early the next morning, glancing at his watch and wondering who would be up and if he should knock or wait or use his key, as he was always being encouraged to do by Mrs Vecchio. He was sitting on the steps debating the issue when Ray was suddenly sitting beside him, close enough to touch but without being obviously touching. “Hey, Benny.” “Ray,” Ben acknowledged softly, warmly. “Get any sleep?” “Not a wink.” “Me either. Dief coming with us today?” “Yes. I’ve made arrangements.” “Thought you would.” They glanced at one another and smiled. Ray saw the worry and fatigue on the face he loved and instantly questioned his actions in all of this. Words he didn’t want to say started coming out of his mouth unbidden. “You know, Benny, no-one would blame you if you thought better of all this.” “What do you mean?” “If you decided you wanted out. If it’s all too much.” “You’re not serious?” “I’m serious. I wouldn’t think any less of you, or care any less. I’d understand.” “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say any of that, Ray. I didn’t lower myself to emotional blackmail a fortnight ago so I could renege now.” “I know…” “Evidently not enough!” “Keep your voice down.” “Sorry. Look, Ray, I know you think me terminally polite so I’m going to disappoint you now. I am telling you not to mention this again. It’s not a request, not a suggestion, I’m telling you.” “Right, I’m told, I’m told.” Ray held up his hands in a mock gesture of surrender. “But I don’t mean it disrespectfully.” Ray laughed and shook his head. “I know, terminally polite.” Ray leant closer to whisper in Ben’s ear. “You are so fucking adorable, d’you know that?” Ben cleared his throat. “Well…” “Humour me, for once I know better than you what I’m talking about.” “Yes, Ray, I am aware that you have experience I am lacking. Not that I mind. In fact I find it very arousing that you are more experienced…” “You know what I’d like to do to you now?” Ben gave a quick shake of the head, afraid to turn and look at Ray because of what he would see in his eyes, and how irresistible it would be. “Give you a clue. It involves a lot of inexperienced flesh and an experienced mouth.” “Oh dear.” “You know, when I left you last night I didn’t eat anything, drink anything. Just so’s I could keep the taste of you for as long as possible.” Ben’s only response was a loud gulp. “Think we’ve got time to…” “ “Good morning, Mrs Vecchio.” “I’m starting breakfast, boys, I want you washed up and at the table in ten minutes.” “Not today, Ma.” “Yes, today,
especially. Ben glanced at Mrs Vecchio’s departing back. “I think you have to make an effort, Ray. For the family’s sake.” “Yeah, I know,” Ray sighed. “Ah, shit, Benny. It’s starting. Today’s really starting.” “Try to stay calm. At least until we leave the house. For…” “The family’s sake, I know, I know.” Breakfast was strangely quiet, most of the emotional outpourings having been exhausted the previous evening. Ray prodded food around his plate under the concerned gaze of his mother and Maria, while Francesca opted not to waste the opportunity of having Ben at close quarters and chattered away to him about nothing in particular, which was as well because he didn’t listen to a word she said. After breakfast Ray and Ben went upstairs to finish Ray’s packing. Ray was going in ever-decreasing circles until Ben stepped in, sat his friend on the bed, and packed for him with only occasional consultations. Francesca stood in the doorway, watching Ben far too lasciviously for Ray’s liking; he kept biting back the comments which were perched on the tip of his tongue until she made the mistake of stepping over the threshold and slipping her arm through Ben’s as he stood mentally debating the thermal qualities of several thin layers versus less thin and a thick. “So, “For God’s sake, Frannie, will you give it up?” “What? I don’t know what you mean. Do you know what he means, “I’m about to go and do this test and all you wanna do is hit on my Mountie?” “I’m not… What did you call him? Your Mountie? I don’t think so.” Ben tried to extract his arm; Frannie doggedly held on, now more intent on spiting her brother than making up to Ben. “Francesca…” Ben started, wanting to warn her about the imminent explosion, but it was too late, he could see the rage in Ray’s eyes and knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. “Tell her, Benny.” “Tell her what?” Francesca demanded. “Tell her who you’re in love with and why you’ll never so much as glance in her direction.” “I don’t think…” “Tell her, Benny.” “You, Ray. Only you.” Ben eased away from the stunned woman, turning his back on the wreckage, not wanting to see the anger and pain. “What did you say?” “You heard, Frannie. Now if you can just take your mourning outside…” “In love. In love? You mean… You don’t mean…” “Yeah, we do mean. You bet.” “In love. The two of you?” “Who else?” “I don’t believe it! And the two of you… Oh, God, tell me you don’t…you know.” “Oh, yeah, Frannie, we you know all right.” “Oh, my God,” Frannie whispered as the news finally began to sink in. “Oh, my God. Ray, how could you?” “This coming from the woman who’s been all over the Mountie like a rash from day one. Fucking hell, Frannie, how couldn’t I? You were willing to fall on your back if he gave you a second look; maybe it’s a Vecchio thing.” “Fuck you, Ray!” “Run along now, be as hysterical as you want and do it with my blessing. Tell who you like that your brother’s a fag cop who’s spending the rest of his days, however few or many, with a fag mountie. Get whatever mileage you can outta that. Do whatever you want, but if I see you touching him in an unsisterly fashion one more time, I’m gonna break your fingers.” There was another frigid silence as Francesca stared at her brother with absolute incredulity. “Will you just go already? I gotta get ready to find out I’m dying and you’re not doing much for my state of mind.” As Francesca backed out Ray stood and slammed the bedroom door in her face before falling into the habitual pacing. “That was unnecessarily harsh, Ray.” “But it sure felt good. I’ve wanted to say it for a long time. To all of them.” “All of them?” “Every woman who’s given you the look.” “You’ve been jealous?” “Hell, yes.” “I don’t encourage them.” “I know that. I don’t blame you.” Ray could feel the guilt emanating from Ben across the room and intuitively knew what he was thinking. “I don’t even blame you for Victoria and, Jesus, Benny, that nearly killed me.” There was a long brittle pause before Ben had to say something. “Francesca didn’t know she was hurting you, Ray.” Ray sank onto the bed, dropping his head into his hands with a groan. “Shit, Benny, I shouldn’t have done that, should I? Poor Frannie, she didn’t deserve that.” “Perhaps she’ll understand that you’re very upset about the test and, unfortunately, she was the person you took it out on.” “If someone else talked to my sister like that I’d beat the living shit outta them.” “There isn’t time for this now, Ray. We have to go if you’re going to make your appointment on time.” “Oh, shit, shit, shit…” Farewells said, Francesca nowhere in sight, the pre-booked cab arrived to take Ben and Ray to the clinic; the journey passed in total silence. In the bland, sterile corridor of the clinic, Ben waited. And waited. And waited. For what seemed an eternity. It was akin to being thrown back in time, mentally revisiting where this had started all those months previously. Clock watching. Waiting for Ray. Wondering if Ray was okay. He paced for a while, such a Ray thing to do. This was taking too long; far too long for, ‘Negative, Detective Vecchio, have a good vacation’. At last Ben began to comprehend Ray’s fears without the cushion of mindless optimism; he knew absolute terror but resisted the effect, knowing that he had to be ready to support and protect the man who trusted him to be impervious to weakness; panic threatened and was forced away; a familiar mantra echoed through his mind: be strong, be strong, be strong… Finally his friend turned the corner of the corridor and approached him, took the offered hand, squeezed it, didn’t look him square in the face once. His eyes were red, he was wiped out, willing to be led. Ben asked the nurse at the desk to call them a ‘dog’-friendly cab and, when it arrived, sat Ray inside with Dief while he helped the driver load the luggage. As far as Ben was concerned, they couldn’t get away fast enough. … The cabin was a revelation to Ben. Unbeknownst to him, Ray had followed their discussion on improving the facilities with action, and on their arrival they found a newly installed generator, improved bathroom, double bed with electric blanket in the finally completed bedroom, and a collection of appliances still in their packaging, including the highly essential coffee maker, and a CD player complete with a stack of discs. Ben fired up the generator and, for the first time at the cabin, threw a switch and had light. He found power points in the kitchen and set about making coffee for Ray, only to find his friend fast asleep on the couch by the time it was ready. Ben stood for some time, gazing at the still form, unconsciously registering the sound of every breath he took. Shaking himself out of his daze, he made up the bed, switched on the blanket, and guided a somnambulistic Ray to it, removing his outer clothes and settling him down. On the inside of Ray’s elbow was a Band-Aid covering the site where blood had been taken for the test. Ben pressed his mouth to it, kissing along Ray’s arm until his lips rested on the pulse at his wrist, and his whole being seemed to fall into rhythm with the potent beat. He began to weep, wrestling to retain a degree of control, silent in the silence, wondering if he would ever be strong again. … Ben woke slowly, turning toward Ray and reaching out for him. Already gone, Ben dozily registered. Five of the seven mornings they’d been at the cabin had been the same; soon Ben would rise and follow Ray’s and Dief’s footsteps to the fallen tree that overlooked Ray’s favourite view. Once there he would spend an hour coaxing his monosyllabic friend back for breakfast and another day of long silences. There was no discernable tension within these silences; Ray didn’t want to talk but was not rejecting Ben in any way: he accepted affectionate touches and hugs with genuine smiles, listened to anything Ben cared to talk to him about with quiet interest until his attention drifted, which it invariably did. He cooked for Ben, remembering his favourite meals, enjoyed Dief’s antics whilst taking long walks with this family, during which he slipped his arm into Ben’s and kept him close. And, predictably, he hummed. That evening Ben studied Ray as he leafed through one of the books he’d brought with him – a gift from his nieces and nephews about Canadian wildlife. The sound of the pages turning, and the crackling and hissing of the log fire were the only sounds in the room. Ben kept reassuring himself that Ray would eventually emerge from this passivity, that this withdrawal was Ray’s way of coping with life’s bigger traumas. Funny how he could be so vociferous and impassioned about day-to-day irritations, yet when one expected him to yell and hit the wall he fell into this…depression? No, he didn’t seem depressed, he was just…quiet. Ben knew he’d been looking forward to coming back here, but how could he be so serene under these circumstances? “Talk to me,” Ben said after an hour, when he felt his loneliness peak. “Am I ignoring you? I don’t mean to, Benny.” Ray held out an arm and Ben joined him on the couch, taking the offered hand and refusing to relinquish it. Ray just smiled, and turned the pages, more awkwardly, with the other hand. “Are you ever going to kiss me again?” Ben said aloud, surprising himself because he thought he was only thinking it. Ray just leant in his direction, gently kissed his cheek. Ben tried to move his mouth to those lips but they were gone too soon. With an effort he stopped himself taking that face and turning it back to him, but he allowed himself the concession of snuggling closer and laying soft kisses on Ray’s neck. Rapidly losing interest in the book, Ray laid his head back and enjoyed the attention as Ben licked his way to Ray’s ear and traced the outer curve. Ray shuddered pleasurably before raising a hand and easing Ben away. “No more, Benny. Not yet.” Ben reluctantly sat back. “I’m sorry.” “No, don’t apologise. Gimme a week and get me drunk – you know, like the good old days.” “I have no intention…” Ben saw the smirk and ceased his protestations, giving Ray a wry smile. “You know I love you, Benny, and you know I want you. I just need time to get my head around some stuff.” “Talking won’t help?” “I’m not ready to talk. But I have found out that if you get outside and scream long and loud enough, Dief will join in howling. I think he’s having you on about being deaf.” “You’ve been screaming?” “Oh, yeah, I’ve been screaming. Screaming’s good.” “I haven’t heard you.” “It’s about timing and distance and exactly the right place with the right acoustics.” Ray could see Ben’s mind working, trying to figure it all out. “Benny, let it go. I think I’m all screamed out anyhow.” “It has obviously helped you.” “Like I said, screaming’s good. But I’m not ready to talk.” Ben nodded, an unspoken agreement to back off. “Is there anything at all I can do?” “Be there when I need someone to lean on.” Ben unconsciously shifted closer. “Metaphorically.” Ben gave Ray a defiant look, challenging him to create some space between them, a challenge Ray had no intention of meeting. “Can we talk about something unrelated?” “Sure.” “About when we return to “Keep going, I’ll let you know.” “It’s about living arrangements. Whilst I appreciate that you find me irritating at times, Ray, and occasionally I find your volatility a little wearing, I believe that we do…I mean, I think that we could…that is…” “You want us to get our own place?” “I’m not attempting to pressurise you, Ray.” “I know that.” “But the time we spend together…” Ben’s voice faltered as he searched for a way to convey his immense feelings. The subject was too overwhelming; he opted for simplicity. “The time we spend together is the best time.” Ray squeezed his hand, nodded his understanding. “We need our own space, Benny, that’s cool. It was getting to a point when I couldn’t sleep without you anyway, so I’ve spent plenty of quality insomnia time thinking about it. I’m ready. Don’t look so shocked, I’m ready. And after what I said to Frannie before we left, I’ll have been disowned by the majority of my family, which is pretty great incentive for not living with them, you have to admit.” Ben took breath to speak. “And I don’t want to talk about the family, so move on.” “Understood. I had thought you’d be concerned about what people would think if we cohabited.” “A couple of months ago I would’ve been. But when you’ve been to hell and back it puts a few bigoted cops into perspective. You worried?” “I never was, Ray, except for you. I was – still am – happy to keep our relationship strictly private. But in this I think I’m the realist; you’re the romantic.” “How d’ya mean?” Ben searched for a short, simple example. “I want to hold your hand at the movies where it’s dark and no-one but we would know. You want to hold my hand when we’re walking down the street in broad daylight.” “But I don’t.” “I know you want to.” “Okay, I want to but I don’t.” A spark gleamed in Ray’s eyes. “If we stayed here we could. When we go into town nobody bats an eyelid over how we act, or what our living arrangements are.” “You’d be willing to live here permanently?” “We did talk about it once.” “Not seriously.” “You could take that transfer you were offered. You could come home. Benny, I’d be happy for you.” Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. “Ah. Ray… There was never any transfer.” “But you said…” “There was never any transfer.” “You lied? The Mountie lied?” “I’m sorry.” “You lied to me! You blackmailed me!” “Please, don’t be angry.” “Angry? Who’s angry? Balls to angry, I’m impressed!” “Don’t be. I’m not proud of myself.” “I am. You did that to keep me. Who else would have done that for me in my entire life? Lying to show me some sense isn’t bad lying.” “I would have done more than lie, Ray.” “That is so not you.” Ray knew how hard it would have been for Ben to behave in such a ‘dishonourable’ way. He turned and kissed Ben’s mouth, tentatively, not wanting to build hopes but needing to show his appreciation. “Thank you, Benny.” “So is that the way to win you over? Behave badly?” “Sure. Take off and hot-wire a moose, that’ll get you on a promise.” “Understood,” Ben replied smartly, springing from the couch and fetching his coat. “What? What? Benny…” “Can I assume a caribou would suffice if I have trouble finding a moose this time of night?” Ray began to chuckle at the well-played gravity, breaking into laughter as Ben patted his pockets, muttering about bolas and skeleton keys. Halfway out the door, he turned back. “Don’t wait up, honey,” he grinned, and was gone. Ray leapt to his feet, clumsily pulling on his boots and coat, following Ben out onto the porch. Still giggling he fell into Ben’s arms and hugged hard; the embrace was instantly reciprocated by his Mountie, and the familiar surge of joy and well-being filled him. This was a physical synonym for safe, secure, loved. “This is great,” he told Ben. “You’re great.” “As long as we’re together we can cope with anything.” Ray recognised the reference as if it were signposted in Day-Glo, and he knew he should say something about…that. Stop Ben wondering – he’d been pretty cruel to leave him hanging, he knew that. And maybe it would seem more real if he said it aloud instead of letting the doctor’s words run through his mind in a continuous loop. Ben’s hands covered his ears to protect them from the cold, massaging gently. “You’re always thinking about me, Benny. What about you?” Ben paused before speaking. “Would it sound melodramatic to confess that without you there is no me? If I’m thinking about you, looking after you, I’m tending to a fundamental part of myself.” “God, I’d have paid you to say that. We’re so ussy, ain’t we?” “Ussy?” “Us first, foremost.” “Ah. Definitely ussy.” Ben glanced down as he heard a grunt at his feet. “I’m sure ussy can accommodate a third party, Diefenbaker.” They fixed their joint attention on Ray, waiting for confirmation; now he had to contend with the big-eyed Mountie look, and the big-eyed adorable wolf look. But contend he could. “Sure. Me, a Mountie, a debatably deaf wolf. It’s the us I always dreamed of.”
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