It was precisely a week later when Ben returned from town with a fresh load of supplies and a letter stamped Chicago PD.  He looked around the cabin for Ray, found him gone, knew instantly where to look.  Trudging through a new fall of snow to what he now thought of as Ray’s tree, his mind raced with possibilities regarding what news the missive held.  His main concern was that the date for Hespetti’s trial had been brought forward and that they would have to return to Chicago much sooner than previously anticipated; he wouldn’t be able to vouch for Ray’s state of mind should that happen.  He wouldn’t be too sure about his own.

Ray looked frozen to the spot; Ben shook his head: this was a man who had dreamt longingly of Florida’s heat, yet nowadays could barely be kept in by the fire for a few hours at a time.

“Ray?”

“Hey, Benny.  Get everything?”

“Would you like to come and help me unpack?”

“Sure.  Gimme a half-hour and I’ll be with you.”

Half-an-hour would stretch to the remainder of the daylight, Ben knew, and he couldn’t wait that long to know: he took the letter from his pocket.

“This came for you.”

He offered the envelope to Ray, who glanced at the stamp and turned back to the view.

“You read it.”

“I don’t think…”

“Read it, Benny.  Give me the edited highlights.”

Ben brushed away the snow and sat alongside Ray on the tree, opening the envelope with less care than was usual and practically dropping it in his hurry to remove the letter.  He read quickly, re-read slowly.

“It’s from Lieutenant Welsh.  He sends his best wishes and hopes you’re well.”  Ray grunted in response.  Ben carried on, trying his best to keep the emotion from his voice.  “Officers at the 21^st Precinct have finished their enquiries regarding Michael Hespetti’s first victims.  They have found an independent source of infection; the two men shared the same mistress, as did a third member of their organisation, who has also been diagnosed HIV positive.  Secondary tests have been carried out on all further victims, including the detective from the 21^st, and they’ve all been found to be negative.”  Ben pushed the letter back into his coat with shaking hands.  “Ray?”  No response.  “Ray?”

Ray pulled off his gloves and dug into the inside pocket of his coat, pulling out two sheets of paper that looked as if they’d been folded and refolded a thousand times.  He stared at them for a long moment then handed them to Ben, who carefully opened them and read the contents.  Clear.  Two clear tests.  He didn’t know whether to holler for joy or give in to the anger that surged in his gut.  Then he looked at Ray’s face, and found himself stunned by the emptiness he saw there.  How had he missed the obvious?  The man was still in shock.

“You think they’re accurate then?” Ray asked quietly.

“Yes, Ray.  They’re accurate.  You’re clear, you’re well.”

“It’s true?”

“It’s true.”

“Because I didn’t know if it could be true, you know, Benny, and I’d got kind of used to the idea of having that shit in me and I just didn’t know what to believe.”  Ray’s voice was picking up speed, betraying his inner turmoil and desperation.  “I’d always been so careful, all my life I’ve been careful and there’s no-one I have to be more careful with than you so what if they were wrong and I gave something to you, Benny, because that would kill me more easily than this other stuff.”  Ray whooped in a breath.  Ben reached for him but he was up and away and pacing in a trough in the snow he had established through steady use.  “And it’s like I’ve been standing back and watching all this shit happening and I know what I should be thinking, I know what I should know, and sometimes I want to shout at myself for being so fucking out of it and stupid – some fucking loser like my father always said – but I can’t stop wondering and being scared and believing that someone somewhere is laughing at me and waiting for me to give in to what I want to hear and just give in to what I want and I’ll be giving this shit to you.  I know, I know, I fucking know why people put a gun against their heads, Benny, I know why they blow their fucking brains out.”

Ray came to an abrupt halt, wrapping his arms around his head and screaming.  Real screaming.  And as he screamed Diefenbaker howled.  Ben was stunned into inaction, unnerved by the noise in this silent place, frightened by Ray’s despair, wondering how he could have misread the situation so badly.  Now he had to force himself to act rather than turn and flee.  Be strong, be strong, be strong…  He ran the few steps to Ray, pulling him into his arms, taking his friend’s weight as he sagged against him, his entire body heaving with the effort of the sobs that had replaced the screams.  Ben hushed him, made comforting noises, knew he was getting nowhere and that he had let his friend down again; how could he notice the most minute of clues at a crime scene, be sensitive to the sub-text of a stranger’s words, yet miss the massive trauma being contained by the person he thought he knew best in the world, the one person he loved?  How dare he be angry that Ray had kept the truth from him?  Guilt and sorrow and misery sapped the strength from him, and the two men crumpled into the snow, Ben still cradling Ray.

“I’m sorry, Ray,” he choked, his resolve broken, tears streaming down his face.  “I’m so sorry.  I was never strong enough for this.”

An hour later, when they were trembling, almost numb with the cold, they stiffly prised themselves from the icy ground and slowly returned to the cabin.  As they walked Ben reached out, taking Ray’s hand in a firm grip, gratified as he felt the pressure returned.  Their tears were long past, but they had left a hollow void in their wake that neither man seemed able to surmount.  Once indoors Ben automatically began to tidy their supplies away; Ray shrugged off his wet coat, leaving it in a heap on the floor, and, scattering clothes as he went, headed for the bedroom, closing the door behind him, turning on the electric blanket and climbing into bed.  As the warmth infiltrated his frozen body he switched off and passed out.

…

When Ray didn’t wake up all the next day Ben went through his clothes and possessions, looking for sleeping tablets that he thought the doctor may have given him.  He found nothing and was forced to surmise that Ray’s body knew best, and that this was a part of the healing process.  At midnight Ben climbed into bed and lay on his side, watching Ray sleep.  How could he have believed the…nothingness of the previous week had been Ray coping?  Now the man finally looked at peace; his eyes were still – mercifully no dreams – and his breathing was deep and even.  Cosy and relaxed, he looked remarkably healthy.  Ben scolded himself: he was healthy.  That damned Hespetti had screwed with both their minds.  Ray was well, and he would stay well if he had anything to do with it.

“I’m going to spend the rest of my life keeping you safe,” he whispered.  “Want to argue about that?  You don’t want to argue?  Makes a nice change.”  Ben leant forward and kissed the velvet skin of Ray’s temple, being rewarded by an unintelligible murmuring that he softly shushed.

At three in the morning Ben woke in a cold sweat, throwing an arm out to find Ray, to prove he was alive and in one piece, that however tempting the thought had been there was no way he would put a gun against his head and blow his brains out.  The sheets beside him were cooling and, after a moment’s shocked delay while he tried to figure out if he was still dreaming, or awake, or dreaming he was awake, he scrambled from his side of the bed and out of the bedroom.  Ray was standing in the kitchen, casually leaning against the counter, a mug of coffee in his hand.  He looked at Ben curiously, still slightly groggy.  Ben fought to control his breathing.

“I had the worst dream,” fell out of his mouth instead of the casual words he had hoped for.  Ray’s brow furrowed and he put down his coffee, heading for Ben with open arms.

“C’mere, Precious.”

Ben leapt at the offer, finding himself in a living, breathing, comforting embrace that rapidly quelled his anxiety.  As he calmed he dwelt on the endearment.

“Precious?” he asked.

Ray loosened his grip sufficiently to be able to look at Ben.

“Sorry, it just comes out.”  He scanned Ben’s face, and Ben saw a depth of love and concern in his eyes that had been missing for a fortnight.  “You are precious to me, the most precious thing in my life.  But I won’t…”

“I don’t mind,” Ben interrupted.  “It’s just not something I’m used to.”  Emboldened by the affectionate words, Ben brushed his lips against Ray’s, heartily gladdened when the action wasn’t rejected.  He steeled himself and asked the million dollar question: “How do you feel, Ray?”

Ray ruminated.

“Empty.”

“I understand.  After such an emotionally demanding time…”

“No, Benny, empty.  I didn’t come out here looking for the meaning of life, I was after a sandwich.”

“Oh.  Empty.”

Ben drew Ray over to the kitchen, finding the ingredients and preparing him a sandwich the size of a minor Appalachian peak.

“You should’ve woken me for dinner.  Wasn’t I supposed to be cooking?”

“You weren’t ready to wake up, Ray.  You’ve just slept for a solid thirty-six hours.”

“You’re kidding!”

“Thirty-six hours.  Unless it was one of your more elaborate devices to stop me telling you Inuit tales.”  Ben smiled at Ray; Ray smiled at Ben.  “Here.”

Ben brought Ray’s sandwich to the table and sat to watch him attempt a full-scale assault, fetching him more coffee when an amount of washing-down was called for.

“So…what did you do yesterday?  Apart from keep checking to see if I was still alive.”

“I walked with Diefenbaker.  Cleaned what I could clean quietly.  Spent a long time staring out of the window.  I began a new journal.”

“Reading or writing?”

“Writing.”

“That’s cool.  Can I read it?”

“No, Ray.”

“Okay.  Incidentally, where are you keeping it in case of emergency?”

“What nature of emergency are you referring to?  A police raid perhaps?”

Ray grinned.

“I won’t read it.  Cop’s honour.”

Ben sat in thoughtful silence for a few minutes, trying to decide how honest to be.  Totally won out.

“I…umm…I have no-one to talk to about what we’ve – you’ve – we’ve been through.  I thought that exploring my feelings in writing would be cathartic.  This experience has brought me closer to you but has left me feeling ostracised from everybody else.”  Ray had stopped eating and was paying close, sad-eyed attention.  “People have expressed concern, Ray, and not always the people you’d expect: Inspector Thatcher has asked after you repeatedly.”

“The Dragon Lady?”

“An assault on a fellow officer, albeit one attached to another force, draws out the strongest feelings of camaraderie, Ray.”

“Well, I’ll be…  Carry on, Benny.”

“Even with people expressing their concern, I haven’t found myself able to discuss our situation with them – I don’t mean our…romantic situation, of course, I wouldn’t discuss that with anybody regardless.  I needed an emotional outlet and chose this way; my reasons for beginning the journal were perfectly selfish…”

“Hardly selfish.”

“Self-indulgent then.  And possibly temporary.  When all of this is behind us I may feel happier throwing the journal away.  Meanwhile I don’t want you reading a catalogue of my weaknesses.”

“Weaknesses are okay, you know. But then it helps if you have SuperMountie to lean on.  I promise I’ll be there for you in future, Benny.  Or more there for you.”

“I gave you six months grace, Ray.  You have five-and-a-half to go before I can justifiably feel neglected.”

Now it was Ray’s time for some deep thought.

“Can you tell me something without thinking I’m some sort of idiot?”

“I’d never think…”

“That a yes?”

“Yes, Ray.”

“Are those tests ever wrong?”

Ben reached out and took the closest available hand, gently caressing Ray’s fingers.

“They’re extremely reliable, Ray.  You have two clear results.  You do not have HIV or AIDS.”

“When the first test came back negative I didn’t believe it.  The doctor kept talking at me and quoting facts and figures and all I could think was they’d screwed up.  I made them do the second test and when it came back negative again I fell to pieces.  You’d think I would’ve left that place jumping for joy but I sorta…lost focus.  I’d made up my mind to accept a certain reality and it was snatched away and somehow I had nothing left to fix my sights on.  Does this sound a load of bull?”

“No, Ray.”

“The last half-year…  It’s been like existing in limbo, stuck between living and dying, not knowing what to think or to believe.”  Ray frowned, fingers tightening over Ben’s.  “I’m still not sure, Benny.  You think you should have a test?  In case they did screw up mine and…”

“I had a test a while back, Ray, and…”

“Whoa, whoa!  You had a test when?”

Ben paused, flushed.

“After Victoria.  Six months after Victoria.  It was negative.”

“You went through that alone?”

“I could hardly have asked for your support.”

“Yes, you could have.”

“I wanted it done with a minimum of fuss.”

“I don’t always fuss.  You tell me not to fuss and I don’t fuss.”

Ben decided not to begin a debate on that questionable statement.

“As I was saying, Ray, I had a test some time ago and as I have not been in contact with anyone who has the virus I don’t need another one.”

“To be safe.”

“We have taken care, Ray.  Even if you had’ve been infected the chances that you would have passed it on to me are infinitesimal.  But you’re clear.  We’re clear, we’re safe.”

“God, Benny, why can’t I get my head around this?  Why can’t I enjoy this time: this is when it should be getting better.”  Ben didn’t try to answer what he guessed was a rhetorical question.  “I’m a wreck.  How can you want to be with me?”

“Let me explain…  When a fag cop meets a fag mountie…”

A grin broke out on Ben’s face and Ray started to giggle.

“Holy shit, I can’t believe I said that to my sister.  You gonna keep me on a tighter leash in future?”

“It’s an option.”

“Was that sexual innuendo?  Wow, Benny!  Any more surprises where that came from?”

The smile faded from Ben’s features.

“I don’t think you’re ready.”

“For banter?  Hey, I give great banter.”

“I want to take you next door and make love to you, Ray.”  Ben saw the sudden yet expected panic on Ray’s face.  “But I know you’re not ready for that, so perhaps it’s better that we try not to get too…wound up.”

“Let me do something for you, Benny.”

“No.  I want to wait.  Really.”

“Okay,” Ray conceded after a long pause.  “You look tired.  Want to go back to bed?”

“You can sleep?”

“Don’t think so.  But I can hold you while you sleep.”  A thought occurred to Ray and a wide smile lit his face.  “We got our own bed, Benny.  Our own double bed.  That’s really…”

“Ussy?”

“Ussy.”

…

Ben hadn’t expected to have to spend time every day reassuring Ray that the tests were accurate, but it wasn’t something he particularly minded: every time he said the words it felt like he was reeling Ray a little further in, and gradually the long silences became shorter and not so intensively silent. 

Ray was finally persuaded to contact his family with news of the negative test result.  His mother was as thrilled as he’d expected, and the recriminations regarding his relationship with Ben never materialised, leaving Ray wondering if Francesca had kept quiet about his revelations.  The thought that his youngest sister had shown that level of maturity, protecting both him and his mother from the trauma such an announcement would cause, made him feel worse than ever about how he’d treated her.  He resolved to make it up to her when he eventually returned to Chicago.

Ben continued to write as therapy and bought Ray a journal for his own thoughts; after dismissing the idea out of hand, Ray took a couple of days to pick up the book and start writing, but what filled the pages was not a diary, but random thoughts in abstract prose, often written when he parked himself on his tree or wandered off on his increasingly confident excursions.  Ray didn’t have Ben’s problems with sharing the contents of his journal and it wasn’t uncommon for Ben to commandeer the book of an evening so he could spend a fascinating hour puzzling over what had been in Ray’s mind that day.

It was a month later when Ben opened the book to the latest page to find two short, simple pieces that needed no deciphering:

His mind sparks my dreams.
His eyes find my way.
His heart pumps blood through my veins.
His every inhalation ensures I breathe.
His perfect skin protects my frayed nerves.
His flexed muscles are my strength.
His love is my existence.
His existence is my life.
His life contains my soul.
His soul expands my being.

Treasure for my treasure, precious for my precious.
Humbly proffered.
Silent vows.
Here.
Now.
Eternity.
Infinity.

Ben wavered between pride and humility, running the words through his mind until he felt forced to speak them aloud.  When he did, Ray turned back from the kitchen and crossed to him, leaning on the back of the couch and listening as Ben recited what he’d written, not once but four times.  Ben handed the book to Ray.

“Say them for me.”

Ray did as he was asked, smiled at Ben’s awestruck expression.

“They’re just words, Benny.”

“No, they’re not.  They’re the…the essence of what we mean to one another.”

“It’s not all metaphorical, you know.”

“No?” Ben frowned.

Tossing his book aside, Ray went into the bedroom and emerged a few minutes later looking extremely worried and clutching something in his fisted hand.  He sat beside Ben, stood again, paced, sat.

“Okay.  I’m freaking out enough for two here, so don’t feel obliged to join in.”

“Ray…”

“Okay, okay.”  Ray took a deep breath, calmed himself.  Took another look at Ben’s expectant face.  “Oh, shit, forget it.”

Ray tried to stand and move away but he found his wrist grabbed and let himself be coaxed back down.  Ben stroked the white knuckled fingers until they unfolded, and in the palm of Ray’s hand lay two plain gold rings.  His heart almost jumped through his chest wall.

“Treasure for my treasure,” whispered Ben, understanding fully now.

“What am I at this moment?  More embarrassed or more needy?  Couldn’t tell you.”

“I knew you were the romantic.”

“Tell me this is plain stupid, Benny.  Tell me I’m outta line.  Tell me…something.”

“You once said you had a dream of meeting the perfect soul mate.  Does this mean…”

“It’s you, of course it’s you.  It’s always been you.  Soon as I got to know you I realised I’d been kidding myself with the others.”  Ray paused, unsure of himself.  “You can say no, I’ll understand.  I’ve never figured out why you want me in any case.”

“‘Humbly proffered,’” Ben quoted.  “‘Silent vows.’  Must they be silent?”

Ray shrugged.

“They have been until now.  I never let myself believe…  You want to do this?  I mean, it’s not like in a church or anything, but I’m serious about what it’ll stand for.  Benny, do you really want to do this?  It’s my insecurity we’re pandering to here.”

“I’m already committed to you, Ray.”  He offered his left hand to Ray.  “A symbol of that commitment would be very welcome.”

“You don’t want time to think about it?”

“What makes you think I haven’t?”

“Really?” Ray squeaked in amazement.

Ben wiggled his fingers at Ray as a prompt.  Shakily, Ray took the larger band and eased it onto Ben’s third finger.  Then he gave a nervous laugh.

“Can’t think of a thing to say now it matters.”

Ben reciprocated Ray’s actions with the second ring and joined their ringed hands.

“You’ve already said it, Ray.  And if I may use your words…  Your love is my existence.  Your existence is my life.  Your life contains my soul.  Your soul expands my being.”

“Thank you, Benny.  Thank you so much.  For your caring and your patience and for wanting me in the first place.  I know you’re too good for me and I don’t deserve you but…”

His words were silenced by Ben’s mouth: a tender kiss that reminded him of the first time.  Well, the first time without the panic, overreaction and general loudness.  A beginning.  And just how did Ben manage to put so much love into a kiss?

“Ray…” Ben whispered between kisses.

“Mmm?”

“Ray, if this – we – are to work you have to promise me something.”

“Anything, Prezioso, anything.”

“Forget everything your father ever told you about being a loser.”  Ray backed off in surprise; Ben grasped his shoulders and drew him close again.  “It’s his voice in your head telling you you don’t deserve me, and I won’t allow his indoctrination to undermine us.”

“Jeez, Benny…”

“You must appreciate how important this is.  If you feel unworthy of this relationship you’ll never be able to trust me fully.”

“I see what you’re saying.  But it’s pretty tough to undo that kind of – of…”

“Brainwashing?”

“It’s hard to get over, even for the best of reasons.”

“Am I a better man than he was?”

“You need to ask!  Better by several thousand percent.”

“Then listen to what my voice says about you, what my love proves you to be, and tell his voice to…”

“Go fuck itself?”

“I couldn’t have put it better myself.”

Ray considered, knew Ben was right, but also knew what a challenge he was being set: he’d spent all of his adult life trying to justify his existence to his father’s ghost.

“I can’t forget, Benny, but maybe we can get past it.  No, no maybe.  We’ll get past it.  I promise.”

“He was wrong, Ray.”

“Y’see…  No-one’s ever really said that to me before.”

“He was wrong.”

Ray snuggled up to Ben, stroking the hand with the ring.

“I bought you a neck chain.  I thought you might prefer to have it out of sight when we go home.”

“That ring is staying where you put it.”  Ben shifted, wrapping his arms around Ray and closing the unacceptable half-inch gap that briefly opened between them, planting a kiss in the crew cut.  “Ray…did you really think this through?”

“See, you’re beginning to have doubts already.”

“No doubts, Ray.  Just wondering about claiming conjugal rights.”

“My God, how they change when they get a ring on your finger!  Turns out I married an insensitive brute.”  Ray’s words took a few minutes to sink into his own head, then he hugged Ben hard and buried his face in his shoulder.  “Fucking hell, Benny, fucking hell!  Married!  I really feel it!”  Ben grinned at the muffled words, and the grin broke into a laugh.  Ray looked up, spoke softly.  “Hey, Spouse.”

“Hey, Spouse.”

Ray took a sharp breath; the sense of newness was a physical thrill, the knowledge of permanence an aphrodisiac.

“Ah, Jesus, Benny…”

For the first time in what seemed an eternity, Ray felt able to take the initiative, and his enthusiasm for the burgeoning kiss had him pressing Ben back into the corner of the couch as he crawled up the sturdy body until he covered it with his own.  Ben wriggled into a more comfortable position before sliding his hands down Ray’s back and over the well-shaped buttocks.

“Ray…Ray…you never answered my question,” Ben gasped as he came up for air.

“Question?”

“About the idiot outside the holding cell.”

“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?  You’re like a wolf with a Danish.”

“You said you thought about him when you got home that night but you wouldn’t tell me how.”  Ray shut Ben up with another kiss, harder still, far more passionate.  But Ben just had to ask that question and he eventually evaded Ray’s mouth.  “Are you going to tell me now, my love?”

“Benny…”

“Were you fucking him or was he fucking you?”

Ray shuddered and glared ardently.

“God, Benny, you want me to come in my pants here?”

“No, Ray.  I want you to come in me.”

The image was as shocking as it was desirable.  Using all of his self-control, all of his strength, Ray managed to prise himself away from Ben and into the far corner of the couch.

“Not yet.”

Ben slowly stood in front of Ray, staring challengingly.  First he pulled off his sweater and tossed it aside.  Then he took his time unbuttoning his shirt, Ray’s gaze following his hands down his body until it was unfastened and he was able to shrug it off.

“Not yet?”

“Uh-uh.”

“Okay.”

Ben peeled off his singlet, his pale body glowing gold in the firelight.  He heard Ray’s dry swallow and smiled.  His hands went to his fly, unbuttoning and unzipping.

“Benny, gimme a break.  I’m not ready.”

Ben crouched by him, running his fingers over Ray’s obvious erection before letting him squirm away.

“Some parts of you seem readier than others, Ray.”

“God help me, I’ve created a monster!”

“Do you know what I want more than any other thing?”

“I’ve got a fairly vivid idea.”

“I want to see you naked.”

“Naked?” the squeak was back.

“Naked.  I’ve never seen you naked.”

“’Ain’t much to see, Benny.  I’m like a broomstick with a nose.”

“I’d like to form my own opinion.”  The expression on Ray’s face was painful for Ben to see.  “You think you’re not good enough.”

“You’re going to be disappointed.”

“No, I’m not.  This is what I was talking about earlier.  You have to trust me.  You’re not a loser or a screw-up or a disappointment.  Trust me.”

“Later, Benny, okay?  If I get naked now I know what’ll happen because I can’t say no to you any more and I’ll feel like shit afterwards because I’m not ready.”

Ben sighed deeply and accepted the situation, knowing he would never push Ray into doing something he would regret.  He stood and stepped back, refastening the button on his jeans before picking up the other discarded items of clothing.

“I’m going to bed.  Will you join me?”  He held out a hand; gold glinted.  Ray felt an intense wave of guilt.  Hell of a wedding night.  He took the hand and let Ben pull him to his feet, allowing himself to be drawn into a one armed embrace.  “Don’t worry,” the sweet Canadian voice whispered into his ear, “I’m happy.  With you I’m happy.”  And that understanding only made the guilt worse.  Ray ran his mouth over the smooth skin of Ben’s neck, tasting him, inhaling him, wanting him so, so much, feeling weary with the fear that he couldn’t shake off or logic his way through.  “You go on.  I’ll finish up in here.”  Ben eased away with a smile before moving away to switch off the lights, make sure the fire was safe and wish Dief goodnight.  Ray went into the bedroom and sat heavily on the edge of the bed, pissed off with himself and his freaky preoccupations.  He turned the gold band on his finger, round and round.  Ben deserved better.  Ben would get better.  And he’d never have to know about the emotional repercussions: Ray had spent his entire adult life hiding behind lies, now he would use that experience to conceal his anxieties from Ben.  He could do it.  For the right reasons.  And the best reason in the world walked through the doorway at that point.  He stopped and looked quizzically at Ray.

“Just doing some serious thinking.”

“Ah.”

“Don’t do the ‘ah’ thing.”

“Oh.”

“That doesn’t help any either.”

“Understood.”

Ben folded up the clothes in his hand before stripping off what was left on his body, leaving everything tidy before climbing into bed, propping himself up against the headboard with pillows so he could keep an eye on Ray.

“Have I ever told you how proud I am when we’re out together?” Ray asked.

“Proud?”

“Just being seen with you gives me a real buzz.  People must wonder what I’m doing with the most beautiful man in Chicago.”

“Don’t you mean they wonder what I’m doing with the most beautiful man in Chicago?”

Ray gave a short laugh and shook his head.

“If nothing else, that proves love is blind.  Which is probably just as well.”

Ray steeled himself, rose, turned towards Ben and slowly began to undress.  Usually he would disappear into the bathroom and come back clad in silk pyjamas, but tonight he stood before his love and shed his armour.  Ben watched in awe, heart pounding so hard he was sure Ray must be able to hear it across the room.

“Ray…” slipped from him in an intense whisper as the final items were shed and Ray just looked at him, self-conscious and seeking approval.  With a smile Ben held up a hand and made a twisting motion with his finger.  Ray tried to smile back but it didn’t quite come off; he turned on the spot, a slow circle.  Ben didn’t want to stop staring.  Ever.  But he knew his heated gaze wasn’t enough to keep Ray warm and he threw back the covers on Ray’s side of the bed.  With deep relief Ray scooted in, covering himself rapidly for reasons other than warmth.

“Warned you,” he attempted to joke, only to find an extremely horny Mountie all over him in an instant, kissing him demandingly, pressing his gorgeous Mountie erection at his hip.  After a generous ten minutes Ben broke the kiss, staying nose to nose, admiring the finely shaped hazel eyes.

“Oh, Ray, you are so…so…  I don’t have the words.”

“This is worth knowing.  All I have to do to shut you up is strip off.  Wonder what Welsh and the Dragon Lady would make of that.”

“Feel how hard I am for you?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s no joke.”

“’Kay.”

“I think I’m going to kiss every perfect inch of you.”

“That’s nice,” Ray’s voice rose several octaves.

“Very nice,” Ben muttered, already making his way down Ray’s neck.  “Very nice indeed.”

Ray was shaking uncontrollably by the time Ben reached his navel, whether from lust or stress he couldn’t tell.  Every time his lover’s mouth claimed another patch of skin he wanted to grab him and fuck him, grab him and throw him aside, love him, run, scream, scream, scream.  He didn’t feel safe, he didn’t feel right, he was going to give some terrible disease to the man he worshipped.  He felt Ben’s breath on his cock, his full, rampant, eager cock that was sending out all the wrong signals.  It was all, ‘Come and get me’ when it should have been, ‘Danger!  Hazard!’.  Ben skirted the obvious, gently biting the inside of one thigh, and Ray gasped with regret and relief.  He had to stop him.  He wanted to stop him.  He wanted to come, oh, God, he wanted to come, he wanted to fuck his lover and come and come and come.

“Benny…Benny…come up here,” he choked out.

He felt Ben’s hesitation, his reluctance to leave a mission he was obviously relishing.  But Ben crawled back up Ray’s body, coming to rest half-covering it.

“You want me to be careful?” he asked softly.  Understanding.  Tears sprang to Ray’s eyes and Ben was quick to kiss them away.

“Please be careful, Benny.”

Ben turned away and leant out of bed, reaching under and coming back with a box of condoms.  He flicked it open, removing one and turning back, diving under the covers and rummaging about until Ray gasped with the sensation of cool rubber being gently unrolled over his hot cock.  It was almost more than he could bear, these soft touches that tormented his frustrated body, but Ben knew, could read every shiver and twitch.  His mouth was suddenly there, taking Ray in, making it clear by his insistent actions that Ray didn’t have to restrain himself, didn’t have to wait.  Ray clutched at the sheets, trying to find something to cling to as he spun out of control; one strong Canadian hand presented itself and Ray grabbed on with both of his, feeling connected, feeling safe, feeling precious metal, feeling…feeling…  He was overtaken by a ferocious orgasm, crying out and writhing as his body tried to turn itself inside out.

Ray woke to the sensation of ticklingly light kisses on his face.  He smiled and turned towards the beautiful mouth that was bestowing these gifts.

“You passed out, Ray.  I hope it wasn’t through boredom,” Ben teased.

“Thank you.”  Ben languidly kissed the offered mouth.  “You taste of rubber.”

“So did you.”  That reminded Ray of his responsibilities, and with a supreme effort he reached for Ben’s penis.  Ben caught the hand, kissed that too.  “It’s okay, you don’t have to do anything.”

“Yes, I do.  I’m not one of these selfish…”

“No, I mean it.  I came when you did.  I was just so excited I couldn’t contain myself.”

“Excited over me?”

“Excited by your excitement, excited by being its instigator.  Excited that you were willing to do this for me despite your fears, which I think translates as being excited by your love for me.”

“Fairly excitable all round then.”

“Yes, Ray.”  Ben gazed at his lover adoringly, studying the changes to his face.  “You look at peace, Ray, for the first time this year.”

“That’s you, Benny.  You’re my peace.  You’re my quiet place.”  Basking in love and satisfaction, Ben settled down more comfortably by Ray, ready to sleep, one arm protectively draped over his spouse.  “Hey, don’t pin me down yet, I’ve got to get cleaned up.”

“Done.”

Ray lifted the covers and peered beneath: no condom.

“You were careful?”

“Yes.  I was thinking…  We should make an appointment at the nearest hospital for you to have another test.  It may finally put your mind at rest.”

Ray considered.

“Let’s do that.”  He paused.  “Benny…if it was positive…”

“We’ve been careful, we’d continue to be careful.  Once you were on a drugs programme your health prospects would be very good.  Your condition wouldn’t be permitted to disrupt our lives any more than the speculation about it already has.”

Ray considered again, nodded, settled to sleep.  ‘It worked,’ Ben thought to himself in surprise.  ‘Denying makes Ray worse, dealing with makes him better.’  He wished he’d figured that out a long time ago.

…

The test was quickly arranged once the circumstances were explained to the relevant people, and it was only a matter of days later when Ray was emerging from the hospital with a clean bill of health.  The jumping for joyness he’d missed out on in Chicago was certainly in full flow now.  Because this time he did believe the negative result: Canadians didn’t lie – how many times had he used that argument?  There had only been Benny’s brief flutter with deception for the purpose of keeping them together, and that was actually pretty cool.

Ray had had to spend time with a counsellor before the test and, he grudgingly admitted, it had been liberating to talk about the whole wretched experience with someone who was sympathetic but not emotionally involved.  He hadn’t realised quite how much he’d bottled up inside himself, but the skilled therapist had teased it all out like unravelling a ball of knotted string, generously devoting the entire morning to him before offering more time if he needed it in the future.

All these months after Hespetti’s men had dumped him Ray finally felt free, the abduction was finally over and he had himself back.  Oh, he wasn’t foolish enough to believe the nightmares would instantly stop, or that he’d be able to get behind the wheel of the Riv without suffering a minor flashback, but he was ready to move forward: he’d had enough of purgatory and was taking the first flight out.  And when he thought of who was waiting for him…

Enjoying the novelty of being back in the land of the living, Ray spent some time wandering around the stores, browsing, occasionally buying, thinking how strange it was to be on his own.  It had been Ray’s unequivocal decision to attend this appointment alone, a resolution that had brought his usually unflappable friend to the point of flapping like a – what was it?  Anas platywhatnot?  ‘Ray.  Duck!’  God, he’d pay him back one day for all the times he’d made him feel like a total schmuck!  As Ray reached out to check the quality of a shirt he was considering buying for Ben, his ring glinted in the light.  How would he pay him back for all the times he’d made him feel like a total god?  No longer the loser, the screw-up, the waste of space.  Forgetting the shirt, Ray pulled out his phone and flicked it open, pressing memory one.  The call was answered in seconds.

“Ray?”

“Hey, Spouse.”

“How did it go?”

“You were right, you’ve always been right.  I’m fine.”

“And you trust this result?”

“I do.”

“Are you on your way home?”

“I’m heading for the car as we speak.”

“Drive carefully.”

“Sure.”

“But fast.  Carefully but fast.”

“Benny?”

“Just get here soon.”

Ray smiled at the passion in Ben’s voice.

“I’m on my way, Prezioso, you better be ready for me.”

“Oh, I’m ready for you, Ray.  Believe me, I’m ready for you.”

Ben was on the porch waiting for him when Ray got home, the expression on his face open and full of love and expectation.  In his mind Ray had seen this meeting as an impassioned rush into open arms but now he felt awed by his own good fortune and shy with his friend.  His lover.  As he slowly crunched across the snow to the cabin he was aware of his heart pounding fit to burst.

“This is when I wake up,” he said, loud enough for Ben to hear.  “This is when I wake up and find I just dreamt some of the worst and best moments of my life.”

Ben came towards him, just as slowly.

“And what will happen when you see me today?  Will you take a chance?  Will you tell me about the idiot outside the holding cell?”

“Maybe I’ll tell you the whole dream.  Explain why I’m looking at you as if I could eat you alive.”  They stopped, a breath apart.  “What will the Mountie say?”

Ben thought, smiled.

“I’ll probably thank you kindly for the look.  Then I’ll ask you – very politely, of course – if you’ll be so good as to take me home and fuck the living daylights out of me.”

They bundled up the porch steps, kissing frantically all the while, and once inside the front door clothes were dragged from bodies and discarded in all directions.  Ben all but carried Ray into the bedroom, stripping the last remnants of clothing from him before pushing him onto the bed, pinning him down with body weight and intense kisses, kisses that quickly moved over face, neck, chest…

“Benny…”

“Don’t stop me, I want to taste you.”

“Then just do it, don’t let me think.”

“Still jumpy?”

Ray gave an embarrassed laugh, pushing himself up on elbows so he could see Ben.

“Oh, yeah, still jumpy.  Stupid, huh?”

“No.  Not stupid.  It will take a while to get over what’s happened.”

“Think we should stop?”

“Ray…let’s face it.  Many a true word is spoken in jest.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“You married an insensitive brute!  Now, I feel I have to live up to this label by viciously subjecting you to hours of intense sexual pleasure.”

Before Ray could answer Ben dipped his head, taking Ray’s cock into his mouth; Ray gasped and fell back, mind instantly wiped of concerns other than the feel of that hot wetness sliding luxuriously up and down his shaft, the clever tongue exploring his glans and teasing the slit until he was shaking with the sheer and utter delight of it.  Ben pulled back, smiling at the ferocious groan that quietened as he licked Ray like a lollipop, pausing only to tell him how wonderful he tasted.  At last.  Then Ben felt Ray’s fingers entwine with his hair, easing him away.

“Too close, Benny,” Ray panted.

“But it’s safe…” Ben began patiently.

“I don’t want it to be over yet.”

“Oh.  Understood.  After all…” Ben crawled up the bed, “…wasn’t there some talk of you fucking me?”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

Ben grinned and kissed Ray’s neck, nuzzling tormenting lips against his ear

“I’ve been waiting so patiently, Ray.  To have your magnificent cock inside me.”

“Ohhhhh…”

Ray pushed Ben back down the bed without ceremony, closing his eyes against the look of triumph on his lover’s face.  The all-encompassing heat was back, radiating through his body, melting his brain and bones and muscles.  One long, deep suck, one light touch to his sensitive balls was all it took, and Ray was coming hard and fast, filling Ben’s mouth with his own heat.

Ray eventually came down from the ceiling, peeled an eyelid back to see Ben laying beside him, still and contented, the very picture of Mountie innocence unless you happened to know what he’d just done with that talented mouth.  The mouth that now came to kiss him, delicately, chastely.

“You’re going to be disappointed now,” Ray muttered.  “Suppose you’re expecting me to have the turn around time of an eighteen year old.”

“No, Ray.  But I can wait a while longer.”  Ben deepened the kiss, letting Ray taste himself on a tongue the texture of silk.  “I told you it was just a matter of time,” he whispered between kisses, “before you tasted yourself in my mouth.”  Ben felt Ray smile under his lips, wriggled closer, onto him, leisurely grinding his erection into whatever piece of flesh presented itself.

“You want me to…”

“Uh-uh.  I’ll wait.”

“Benny…”

“Yes, Ray?”

“You don’t have to wait.  I mean, you don’t have to wait for me to make love to you.”

“You mean…”

“You wanna make love to me?”

Ray felt a tremor go through Ben, head to toe, and thought something on the lines of, ‘Ohwowohwowohmygodohmygodhe’sgoingtofuckme’.  Ben took a deep breath.

“No.”

“No?” came out in disappointed squeak mode.

“You first.  Because of my lack of experience, that’s all, Ray.  I’ll learn from you, and then I’ll feel confident enough to…reciprocate.”

“I remember you saying that you were turned on by my experience.  That true?”

“Yes, Ray.”

“You sure?  I mean, a lot of people like the idea of being first.”

“I don’t need to be the first.  But I intend to be the last.”

Ray smiled, approved, snuggled.

“Cool.”

An hour later Ben roused himself from a shallow doze, stretching awkwardly as he tried not to disturb his husband, as he easily thought of Ray now.  Ray opted for the more ambiguous ‘spouse’, but he liked husband.  Dief approved of ‘provider’ but Ben wasn’t having any of that, jelly doughnuts or no jelly doughnuts.  Husband summed up the way he thought of Ray: warm, loving, generous, protective, dependable, strong, so pro Benton Fraser that it made his toes curl…

“Husband,” he whispered to the man in question, enjoying the mild but immediate response as Ray’s fingers flexed over the flesh of his stomach.  “Husband,” he repeated, and this time all of Ray stirred.  Ben glanced down in satisfaction: yes, all of Ray had stirred.  His hand encompassed Ray’s burgeoning erection, stroking fondly and with a sense of ownership that still fascinated him.  “Mine.”  He remembered Ray testing out the word some time ago and finally appreciated the satisfaction that came with it.  “Mine.”

“Oh, yeah, Prezioso, yours.”

“Now, Ray?  Please, Ray?”  Ben wanted to catch Ray before he woke up completely and began getting jumpy again; he kissed him and touched him, groaned with desire as the kisses and touches were reciprocated, groaned some more as Ray finally started to assert himself.  Ben reached under the bed to his stash of necessities and brought out a tube of lubricating gel, offering it to Ray with shaking hands.  Ray accepted it with a frown.

“Sure you want this?”

“I am so sure.  You’re supposed to be a detective, can’t you detect I’m sure?”

“You wanna get smart, huh?”

Ray rolled onto Ben, beginning a passionate assault the like of which Ben had never experienced before.  This was the Ray he loved with cherries on top.  Everything the man did was perfection, whether it was with his mouth or his hands, and Ben felt, relished, learned.  On the verge of losing his mind through lust he was faintly aware of the tube of gel being rediscovered and…  He lay his head back, waiting, hmmmming for calm.

“Want to turn over?  It’ll be easier.”

“I want to see you,” Ben murmured, ignoring the fact that his eyes were presently tightly closed.

“Good.  That’s good.”  Ray paused.  Ben ventured a squint and was given a look of affectionate amusement for the effort.  “You trust me?”

“Unconditionally.”

Ben gasped as gentle hands caressed and opened his legs, caressed and opened his body.  Half-an-hour, three gel-coated fingers later, Ben was in danger of hyperventilating and begging wantonly.

“Watch.  Watch, Benny.  This is it.  This is us.”

Ben struggled to open his eyes, and blue met hazel in an intense moment as Ray’s slicked cock pressed into Ben for the first time.  Carefully.  Slowly.  Mind-blowingly.

“Ray.  Ray.  Yes.  Yesyesyesyesyes…”

The sultry stare Ray fixed on Ben was as erotic as the measured invasion of his body; Ben grasped at him, fingers digging into the muscles of Ray’s arms, fervent encouragement as he endured this exquisite torment.  He was ready to explode when Ray stopped, fully inside his body.  Ray carefully lowered himself, freeing one hand to slide behind Ben’s head, pulling him into a sensual kiss.

“My love.  My sweet, sweet love,” he murmured, and Ben’s attention abruptly switched from the physical to the emotional, his heart lurching at the adoration in those simple words.

“I love you, Ray,” he replied intensely.  “My best friend.  My saviour.”  His eyes swam with tears.  “My husband.”

“Oh, yeah,” Ray sighed on a contented breath, and he began to move, as easily as before, unrushed but relentless.

Ben hadn’t known what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t this.  Nerve endings all over his body were tangoing in rhythm with Ray’s unhurried strokes, and his last remaining brain cells began to disintegrate as Ray slowly rolled his hips.  Ray watched Ben’s eyes flutter shut as he concentrated on the sensations coursing through his body, and it was with the unmitigated joy of giving that he shifted the position of his hips, thrust a little harder, and hit the spot.  Ben’s eyes snapped open, his whole face lit up with raw pleasure.  Tenuously clinging to his own self-control, Ray rolled and thrust again, being rewarded by his lover jerking uncontrollably beneath him as he came without so much as a touch.  The spasming muscles of Ben’s body tightened around Ray’s cock and he gratefully gave in to the glorious sensations, blasting his semen into his lover’s body with a blissful sob.

Ben pulled him down and they lay entwined, recapturing their breath and descending from one phenomenal high.

“Still jumpy?” Ben eventually asked, knowing he had to.

“I’m okay.  In fact…I’ve never felt safer in my life.”

…

Ray cringed when he heard his name belted from Welsh’s office; it had been one hell of a month since he and Ben had got back from Canada, filled with familial histrionics, workplace insecurity and punches being thrown at least once when the comments about him and Ben had become too obnoxious.  He entered the Lieutenant’s office to come face to face with two of the most irritating geeks the FBI had ever sent the department’s way.  They’d been sniffing around for the best part of a week and Ray was growing increasingly suspicious of their interest in him personally.

“Close the door, Detective.”  Ray did as he was told, bracing himself for whatever, knowing it wouldn’t be good.  “You remember agents Brice and McCloskey?”

“Yeah, I’ve had the pleasure,” Ray smiled, deliberately unsettling the two men with his civility.

“Well, they have a proposition for you.”

Ray listened intently as the geeks ran through the most preposterous scheme he had ever heard, involving long-term undercover work, people he would never go near in several millennia, and their plans for a certain cop who was the spitting image of one recently deceased Armando 'the Bookman' Langostini.  As Ben would have said: oh dear.

“You gotta be kidding.”

“It’s a great opportunity for you, Detective Vecchio,” Brice offered.

“A great opportunity to get killed, sure!”

“Think how it will reflect on your career.”  That was McCloskey.

“Have you read my record?  Have you seen what I’ve been though in the last year?”

“It proves your ability to cope with exceptional circumstances.”

“I didn’t cope through temperament, I had no choice but to get on with it.  Now all I’m looking forward to is a quiet life and the vague possibility of old age.”

“If you’re concerned about your family…”

“Yeah, right, family.  I can’t do it, I can’t leave my partner.”

“Wouldn’t she understand?  Surely she could manage without you for what?  Six months?”

“Well, I can’t manage without him for a single day.  I’m not your man.”

Brice and McCloskey exchanged a look, wondering how that particular information had got past them; the agents allowed the interview to hiccup to a halt, eventually taking their leave, already discussing some poor schmuck in Seattle who might fit the bill.  Ray turned back to Welsh, who had remained inordinately quiet throughout.

“Sit down, Ray.”  Ray?  He called him Ray?  Was this how cops got fired?  By their first names?  Ray sat.  “How’re you doing?”

“Great.  Okay.  Not great.  Hell, you always thought I was a total dropkick, and I’ve proved you right.”

“Where did you get that impression?”  Ray shrugged, feeling distinctly foolish.  Welsh nodded towards the bullpen.  “Is there anything I can do to make things easier?”

“Write me a good reference?” Ray suggested, only half joking.

Welsh studied him thoughtfully for several uncomfortable minutes before reaching into his desk and bringing out an envelope.  He silently handed it to Ray.

…

It had been a good year.  Strike that.  It had been a great year.  It had been the best.

Ray waited patiently on the cabin porch, listening for the sound of Ben’s jeep, smiling to himself as the low rumble cut through the twilight: you could set your watch by the Mountie.

When Welsh had handed Ray that envelope fourteen months previously it had been with great trepidation that he had taken it back to his desk and opened it, expecting…well, he wasn’t quite sure what, maybe even dismissal, but finding a list of contacts and business referrals in this area of Canada – their area of Canada.  He never knew how many favours Welsh had called in to furnish him with such a lucrative opportunity but any thanks had been brushed aside as if inconsequential.  Ben’s transfer back home had been easier than expected to arrange and, although he was little busier than he had been in Chicago, at least he was no longer standing sentry duty or running errands: he was a police officer with his own legitimate police officerly duties and he felt like a real Mountie again.  In his off-duty hours he enjoyed working with Ray in an unofficial capacity as the Security Consultant’s consultant, and in the back of both their minds they knew that one day Ben would become a full-time partner: they liked being together too much not to take that path.  Once the business had taken off Ray had been able to broaden his horizons, and had travelled the breadth and length of his adopted country, often with Ben, but just as often without.  Ray doubted that the ‘without’ would last much longer.  Mind you, the reunions when he came back from his trips were quite spectacular.

They’d had a second cabin built to house the highly lucrative Consultancy, and it often doubled as a guest house when family or friends visited.  But at present it was just the two – sorry, three – of them.  Dief had stayed home with the Provider today to meet a new client, and now he enthusiastically bounded out into the snow to greet the Alpha male as he emerged from his vehicle.

The sight of this wonderful man coming home to him never failed to start Ray’s heart pounding, and he followed Dief to Ben’s side, taking the opportunity to press him against the side of the jeep and kiss him soundly as the light faded around them.  The persistent grumbling of a wolf waiting on his dinner motivated the couple; hand in hand they walked to the cabin.  At the top of the steps Ray turned back and took a deep breath, mentally saying goodnight to the outside world for another night.

“Hey, Benny, did you see that?”

“What?”

“Shooting star.”

Ben smiled, remembered a different star a long time ago, a star that granted his wish.  He slid his arms around Ray and kissed his neck.

“What are you wishing for?”

“Humouring me?”

“No.  Really.  I’m not.”

Ray leant back, managing to get half-an-inch closer to the source of his contentment.

“I wish…I wish this could last forever.  Us, here, being this happy.”

Ben used a finger to turn the animated face toward him, relishing the joy he saw there.

“I promise, my love,” Ben whispered, feeling the words in his heart and soul.  “This is one wish I promise will come true.”

“Thank you, Benny.  Want to sign something legally binding to that effect?”

Ben chuckled and went back to kissing the smoothly irresistible neck, knowing he existed for this man – this life – and he would, without a shadow of a doubt, see his promise kept.

He knew what it was to be strong enough.

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