Okay, it had been a week.  ‘The longest week of my life,’ Ray claimed to himself.  No sign of Ben, no contact except the carelessly revealed fact of his daily phone calls to Elaine to check up on his friend.  Ray thought about calling back but he didn’t know what to say, couldn’t find the words to apologise to Ben for the way he had reacted – overreacted – that last morning together.  God, the man had offered himself to him, knowing what he did about his health, selflessly putting Ray first.  ‘Ever wonder why I adore you, Benny?’  It was so tempting, excruciatingly so (my God, he’d just spent a week humping his hand over those tantalising kisses, what if he had the entire Mountie?) but how could Ray accept a future that would risk Ben’s life, even if Ben was prepared to gamble?  Now he had to find a way to say sorry, miss you (and the wolf), love you too much to…love you, can’t live without you.  ‘Why don’t you put all that in a note and sign it ‘Drama Queen’?’ Ray demanded of himself.

Forcing himself to put aside the self-pity and the resounding feeling that he was presently the rightful and undisputed king of jerk city, he put his highly tuned detective’s mind to finding the right path back into the Mountie’s good books.  Highly tuned for detecting he may have been, but reconciliations and romantic gestures seemed to have passed him by.  What would he have liked if it had been the other way around?  If Ben had thrown such a perfect gesture back in his face before sulking and leaving with barely a word?  God, that made it sound appalling!  And why?  Because it was appalling: he was an ungrateful shit!  Whereas Ben was…  No wonder Ray was paralysed with indecision – this was the most important person in his life he was trying to make up with.  It was while he was still deliberating with himself that he spotted a denuded stalk that was defiantly clinging to its identity as the bullpen pot plant.  He remembered Ben talking about the language of flowers when he had found pressed petals in between the pages of a book at the cabin, and knew immediately what would appeal to his friend.  Ray thumbed through the local Yellow Pages and phoned several florists until he found one with the requisite knowledge, then picked their brain to find the right potted plant (as opposed to cut flowers – Ben wouldn’t like watching them die) to convey his message.  And tonight he’d take him out somewhere special and spoil him.  Then apologise, grovel, beg, whatever it took to be a part of his life every day.

One whole week, Ben registered as he stared at the calendar instead of getting on with his work.  One whole week regretting, yet not able to regret what he’d done.  Kissing Ray hadn’t been planned, it was just the natural thing to do at that moment – and what a sweet moment it was, transforming weeks of repressed longing into minutes of bliss – but he hadn’t wanted to upset Ray, just…be a part of him.  No longer convinced it could be dead from the neck down, his body had prompted imaginings of them together that had thrilled, sometimes amazed Ben, and he wanted it all, he wanted it now.  And they hadn’t even spoken for a week.  Ben had to find a way to say sorry, miss you (as does Diefenbaker), love you too much to not love you, can’t live without you.  ‘Why don’t you put all that in a note and sign it ‘Desperate of Canada’?’ Ben demanded of himself.

A distinctive polite tap on the door attracted his attention and he called for Turnbull to enter.  His subordinate did so, and with him he brought a flamboyantly wrapped pot plant.

“This just came for you, Sir.  I signed for it but took great care to avoid seeing details of the sender.”

“You don’t usually check the paperwork of what you’re signing for?”

“Scrupulously, Sir, unless it’s obviously personal.  And this would appear to be.  Personal.  Obviously.  It’s a plant, Sir.”

Ben took the plant – a magnificent fern – and dismissed Turnbull, wondering, not for the first time, how and why.  The card was good quality, plain and white; one side bore the message, ‘Speak my language?’, the other side a time: 7.30.  It could only be from Ray: relief washed over him and he couldn’t stop himself grinning like a fool.  He spent the best part of an hour finding an encyclopaedia that detailed the language of plants and flowers, then sat caressing the beautiful fronds as he read: ‘The exchange of a maidenhair fern expresses a secret bond of love.’  Perfect, he told himself happily.  It occurred to him that perhaps he should return the gesture; Ray would be…roses, deep red roses that said ‘I love you’ and ‘implied unconscious beauty’.  Unconscious beauty, yes that was Ray.  An unbidden image leapt into his mind: Ray, him, naked on a bed of velvet-soft rose petals.  Oh.  Oh, dear.

At one-thirty that afternoon Welsh called Ray into his office.

“Sit down, Vecchio.”

That wasn’t good, was it?  Sitting down in the Lieutenant’s office usually meant bad news.  Constable Fraser has been found dead following a severe allergic reaction to a pot plant?  Nah, he’d hear the women of Chicago mourning as one.  He sat.

“Yes, Sir?”

“Detective…” Welsh stopped, looked around.  “Where’s your Mountie?”

“I believe he’s doing something for Canada today, Sir.”  Your Mountie?  Did he really call him your Mountie?

“Shame.  I thought you might want him to hear this.”

“Sir?”

“DNA tests results have been confirmed regarding the hypodermics found at the Hespetti house.”  Welsh paused as the colour drained from Ray’s face; Damn, he knew he should have waited until Ben was around to prop the cop up.  “Are you all right, Detective?”

“Yes, Sir.  I’d forgotten about that is all.”  The syringes – seven in all – had been found, preserved like precious mementoes, marked up with the names of the abducted cops and several members of a rival drugs empire who had suffered a similar fate.

“The syringe with your name on it contained enough trace to test, and the blood in it was your own.  The blood in the other syringes has also been tested and corresponds to the name on the label.”  Welsh paused once more, waiting for a sign that Ray was taking this all in.  “Do you understand, Detective?”

“Yes, Sir.”  Ray’s voice was a whisper.

“Further interviews with Michael Hespetti have been held and he has admitted that blood was taken from victims when they were unconscious and portrayed as being that from an AIDS sufferer.”

“When I was at the hospital, they found puncture marks,” Ray said, his speech quiet and thoughtful as he tried to assimilate the new information.  It was unbelievable.  “Sir…he could be trying to avoid an attempted murder charge, these don’t have to be the same syringes he used.”

“I know that, and you should go through with the AIDS test, but now Hespetti’s talking, his people are talking, and they all say the same.  They thought it was funny, torturing individuals with their own blood.”

Ray leant forward, feeling sickeningly light-headed, hoping he wasn’t going to pass out on the Lieutenant’s floor.  Dare he start to hope…  Welsh was at his side with a glass of water, which he took gratefully with trembling hands.

“You think it’s true, Sir?”

“I hope it is.”  Ray’s head spun again and he shut his eyes, now fighting back nausea.  “Let me see if I can find Constable Fraser for you,” Welsh said a few minutes later as he lifted the telephone receiver from its cradle, but Ray was already recovering and certainly didn’t want Benny worried.

“No, Sir, it’s okay.  Cup of coffee strong enough to melt the spoon and I’ll be fine.”

“You’ll be seeing him later then?”

There was something in Welsh’s voice that made Ray wary.  God, he knew, didn’t he?  ‘Act normal,’ Ray ordered himself, ‘don’t overreact, not this time.’  Would he be seeing Benny later?  Under the usual circumstances…

“I’ll be seeing him later.”

“That’s good.”  Ray looked up at him, the expression on his face one big uneasy question.  “Detective…I remember you before Fraser came along, I’ve watched you since.  It’s been a reminder that some…friendships, however they’re perceived by third parties, are worth pursuing.”  Their eyes met and Ray was calmed by what he saw there.  Acceptance.

“Thank you, Sir.”

“That’s okay.  Now, if you want to leave early I don’t have a problem with that.  You’ll want to share this news with your family.”

“I think…I think I’ll get the second result before I tell anyone anything.  Just in case, you know?”

“That’s probably a very wise decision, Detective, and positively unnerving coming from you.  So, are you working?”

Ray stood.  “I’m working, Sir.”

“How many files on your desk at present?”

“Thirty-seven, Sir.”

“Any chance there’ll be less by the end of the day?”

“Very little, Lieutenant.”

“Well done, Detective Vecchio.  It feels like things are finally back to normal.”

The Riv was parked outside Ben’s apartment a quarter of an hour early.  Ray sat wondering what, if anything, he should tell Ben about the afternoon’s conversation with Welsh.  It had been a constant battle all afternoon not to get on the phone and break the potential good news to his friend, but he knew what that would suggest to both of them and was reluctant to either build hopes or submit pressure.  And what if they had been duped by Hespetti?  What if he was denying what he had done in the hope his victims would spread the virus to their loved ones?  He needed that test.  Ray closed his eyes, luxuriated in the memory of Ben’s kisses, wondered if a few more would build him up or break him down.  Sighing deeply, he began to wish he was a selfish bastard who was only out for a fuck instead of wanting heart and soul, but you couldn’t help the way you were, right?

At Ben’s door he paused again, heart racing, butterflies in his stomach.  One brisk knock and he was invited in to be greeted enthusiastically by Dief, who virtually frisked him for doughnuts.  The closet door was open and Ben, in singlet and brown uniform trousers, was standing staring in.

“I didn’t know what to wear,” Ben admitted without even glancing at Ray.

“Smart.”

“Ah.”

Ray smiled: it was mean to ask for smart when he knew the extent of the Mountie’s wardrobe.

“No, sorry, whatever.  I didn’t book anywhere.  I was going to then something came up and made me think and I thought I’d let you choose.  Or you choose what and I’ll pick where.”

Now Ben looked at him, smiled.

“Pizza?”

“Here?”

Ray was already reaching for his phone as they nodded in unison.  Ben stepped into the closet and paused to listen to Ray on the phone, deciding his was the best voice he’d ever heard in his entire life – not that he was biased or anything – before pulling on a flannel shirt and heading for the kitchen; Ray stopped him as he passed, leaving his hand on his arm just for the contact after seven long days apart.  There was a momentary pause.

“I’m sorry,” they said together.

Their eyes met, Ben’s hand came up to caress Ray’s cheek.  A ‘Please do, please don’t’ mantra raced through Ray’s head as it looked like Ben was going to kiss him, but Ben just gave him the gentlest, heart-melting smile and moved on to the kitchen, leaving Ray both disappointed and relieved.  ‘Get it over with,’ he told himself, not wanting the evening to be one tortuous lead up to a discussion on that kiss.

“I wish you’d done it before all this happened,” Ray said, knowing Ben would understand what he was referring to.  “Why didn’t you do it before?”

“I didn’t know I could.  You didn’t tell me I could.”

“How could I tell you?”

“You could have told me.”

“I thought you were straight.”

“Gender has never been a consideration for me.”

“You knew that, I didn’t.  I wasn’t going to take a chance on something I didn’t know and alienate my best friend.”

“It wouldn’t have alienated me even if I were strictly heterosexual.”

“You don’t know that, you may have been a different person if you were straight.”

“I don’t think so, Ray.  And what if I had made some sort of gesture and you had been straight?  This works both ways.”

“But why didn’t you know?  About me? You manage to figure out every other damn thing.”

“I wouldn’t have speculated on something so personal to you.  I respect you too much.”

“Finally, there’s something you’d simply never presume.”

“That’s right, Ray, I wouldn’t.”

Ray paced away, paced back.  He had to ask however much he didn’t want to.

“Did you do it because you felt sorry for me?”

The shock on Ben’s face was enough of an answer.

“You think I have so little strength of character?”

“No.  No, I think you have too much.”  Ray took the last few paces to Ben, throwing his arms around him and hugging him tightly, acutely aware of Ben’s hands slipping under his jacket to hold him back.  “Can you not say another word, just listen.  I can’t tell you how it makes me feel, knowing you’d take a chance despite everything.  Don’t say anything, just let me tell you I love you, okay?  I love you, Benny.”  There was perfect moment of stillness as they held each other in silence; Ray knew it was too good to last.  This was, after all, the Mountie.

“Ray…”

“No.”

“Ray…”

“Will you shut up!  You are truly the most irritating man I have ever met in my entire life!”  He felt Ben’s shoulders shudder as he tried to suppress laughter and pulled back, trying to be cross with his friend.  “What?  What?”

“Pizza.”

“Too soon.”

“I think they recognise you and prioritise.”

There was a rap at the door.  Ray reluctantly let Ben go.

“You’re the only psychic in the world especially tuned to pizza deliveries.”

“He sings on the stairs; the way he misses certain notes is quite distinctive.”

Ray paid for the pizzas, tipped the stunned teenager, dumped the boxes on the table, besides which Dief impatiently waited.  Ben watched all the while, the voice in his head reciting his good fortune: ‘He loves me, he honestly loves me, he wants me for the right reasons, he’ll never hurt me, he’ll never leave me, he loves me…’

Over their food they talked about their weeks, catching each other up on life at the Station House and Consulate; Ray explained the circumstances of one particular case that he found baffling, knowing that talking it through with Ben would help him sort out the facts in a way he found impossible in a Mountieless state.  What he really wanted was for Ben to offer to come along tomorrow, but he wouldn’t ask, refused to put even that much pressure on his friend.  Ben knew what Ray wanted, and he’d deliberately held back in recent weeks, wanting Ray to regain his former confidence when out alone; in honesty, they’d both needed to get over residual anxieties from the abduction.  But it was getting harder and harder to not be with him, for a multitude of reasons.  As he listened to Ray, Ben stretched out a sock-clad foot under the table, finding Ray’s shoe and sliding up and over, tucking his toes under the hem of Ray’s trousers and stroking his leg.  Ray smiled, fell silent, just…looked at him.  Ben had never seen a look so full of love directed at him and he felt positively humbled.

“Thank you for the fern.”

“You like it?”

“Yes, I do.  Very much.  Especially what it means.”

“And you think I never listen to a word you say.”

“I know you listen—  Ray, can I kiss you?”

“Benny…”

“Once.  I won’t ask again.”

“You’re not being fair, Benny, you know I want to say yes.”

Without waiting for anything more definite, Ben rose and moved around the table, dropping to his knees by Ray and swinging him around in the chair to face him.  Edging forward until Ray was forced to part his legs to accommodate him, Ben pressed close, running his hands over Ray’s arms, shoulders, neck, caressing his face.  Ray’s eyes shut as he concentrated on the feel of Ben’s fingertips, and he gave a quiet moan as moist lips settled over his, as delectable and enticing as he remembered.  Ben’s hands dropped to Ray’s legs, sliding firmly from knee to thigh before they were brought to a standstill by Ray grabbing his wrists.

“Let me,” Ben whispered against Ray’s lips.

“You’re going to drive me insane,” Ray snapped, pulling away from Ben, edging the chair back to introduce a little space between them.  He stared longingly into eyes that were dark with desire.  “You’re not thinking straight, Benny.  Probably because all the blood due for your brain has been diverted south.”

“You think?”

“Oh, yeah, I think.”

Ray couldn’t help but smile; in his wildest dreams he never imagined Ben to be like this.  He’d thought shy, conservative, maybe even a lights off type of guy, certainly not capable of relentless pursuit.  God, what would he be like in bed?  A jolt of lust shot through his body and he extricated himself from the situation, pacing until he calmed a little.  Ben sat back on his heels, gazing after him.  Mentally groping for a diversion, Ray recalled what he’d left in the Riv and turned to the door.

“You’re not going, Ray?”  There was distinct panic in Ben’s voice.

“I got you something; I have to fetch it from the car.  I’m gonna take the stairs very slowly.  Give you time to calm down?” Ray finished pointedly.

“Understood.”

Ben stood and cleared away the pizza boxes, absent-mindedly throwing a few remaining crusts to Dief.  Turning and leaning against the sink, he surveyed the apartment; everything was the same yet nothing was the same and he felt in a positive daze.  His body seemed to be far more alert than his mind at this juncture, and he couldn’t remember ever needing physical contact quite so urgently; still, he was happy to be frustrated because it meant he was becoming whole, real.  He listened at the door for a few seconds, ascertaining that Ray was not back in the building yet – probably sitting in the Riv trying to do exactly what he’d told Ben to do, i.e. calm down – before removing and hanging up his uniform trousers and pulling his jeans from the closet.  He hesitated before putting them on, tempted to carry on stripping off and wait for Ray in bed, naked and blatantly ready for him in every sense; shuddering pleasurably as the fantasy in his mind played on, he dressed, belatedly reminded of how tricky it was to fasten tight jeans over an erection that showed no intention of waning.

“I can’t cope with this,” Ray told himself as he sat in the Riv, hands on the steering wheel, head on his hands.  The amazement and flattery he had felt at Ben’s enthusiasm was morphing into exasperation at the unfairness of the situation.  Sitting back he bashed at the wheel with his fists.  “I could’ve had him a million times.  I could’ve…”  Calm down, calm down.  Question: was it possible to die of sexual frustration?  Question: if they were really really careful would it be okay if they just fooled around a little?  Killer question: how callous a bastard was Hespetti?  No.  Ray knew that even if he went back to Ben with the intention of having sex in any shape or form, the moment he saw the man’s face he’d be stonewalled.  He would never take a chance with somebody he loved so much.

Ben was sitting at the table, freshly made tea and coffee beside him, when Ray re-entered the apartment.  After exchanging a glance of mutual sympathy, they rifled through the contents of the box Ray had brought up.

“Phone, smart card, battery, charger.”

“I don’t need…”

“Yes, you do, Benny.  I want us to be able to keep in touch.”

“We’re rarely out of touch.”

“I picked you the smallest phone they had – it’ll disappear into that bat utility belt of yours and will in no way obstruct the cause of Canadian justice.  It’s billed to my phone account, I’ll even pay the electricity bill for charging the battery if you’ll just take it.”

“You think you could have phoned me that day.  Before they took you.”

Ray took a sharp breath.  Paused in thought, wondering how right Ben was.

“Maybe.  Well, no, I didn’t have time to do anything.  I want us to be in touch.  And there have been times when you’ve been in trouble and you could’ve done with a phone – tell me I’m wrong.”

Now Ben took a few minutes to think.  He didn’t need a phone, but if it reassured Ray…

“Thank you kindly, Ray.  It’s very considerate of you.”

The worried kink between Ray’s eyebrows disappeared and he smiled at getting his own way for once, quickly showing Ben how to assemble the phone and use the charger before programming his own cell phone number and that of his work phone into the memory and demonstrating how to use that too.  Ben wasn’t even looking at the phone.

“You’re not taking too much of this in, are you?”

“I confess I am a little distracted.”

“Should I go?”

“No!”  Too sharp.  “I mean…please stay.”

“Promise to behave?”

“Well, I can’t promise, Ray, but I’ll try.  Don’t leave.  You’ve done too much of that recently.” 

Ray laid his hand palm up on the table and Ben took it.

“Do you think this is safe enough?  Or should I put my gloves on?”

Ben chuckled and Ray joined in, close, secure, happy.  Together.

They spent some time discussing the cabin, debating the pros and cons of buying a generator, which seemed a highly practical improvement if they were going to spend more time there in the future; they considered ways of improving the rudimentary bathroom that had been built on when Ben and some of his Inuit friends had repaired the fire damage, and how long it would take to roof the new bedroom that was still under tarpaulin and presently unusable.

“You hated it the first time you visited,” Ben mused, thinking about the peace and contentment they had found there more recently.

“Yeah.  Can’t think why.”  He noticed Ben’s look.  “That was not sarcasm.  You know, I realise you still think of it as your Dad’s place, but I think of it as our place.  D’you mind that?”

“No.  The contrary.”

“We going back soon?”

They both knew what Ray was asking.  When they were last at the cabin they had discussed returning when Ray had received the results of the test: whichever way it went, he – they – would need time and space to work through some very powerful emotions.

“Soon.”  Ben renewed his grip on Ray’s hand, stroking the silky skin of his wrist idly with his thumb.  “It’ll be fine.”

The mood was subdued for a while as they both dwelt on the prospect of the test, but a long walk with Dief buoyed their spirits, and on the virtually deserted back streets they chose, their linked fingers went unnoticed.

Ray had come in for a coffee before he went home, and now he stood staring blindly out of the window, wondering why Welsh had been so understanding, if he had got his estimation of the people he worked with so wrong.  What if Welsh really had meant his and Ben’s platonic friendship, and his paranoia had added the implications?  Bullshit, he’d called him your Mountie.  Ray smiled.  Your Mountie.  My Mountie.  God, he thinks I’ve had him.  For a few mean seconds Ray wished that Welsh would tell that to all the women who drooled over Ben.  Mmm…what would Frannie look like when she’d pulled all her hair out?  Strong arms slid around Ray’s waist from behind, hands slipped under his jacket, fingers spread to take in as much surface area as possible.  Ben’s body met his, and Ray shivered at the kisses Ben laid on the nape of his neck before nuzzling the back of his head, still fascinated by the feel of the crew cut.  Ray relaxed against him, covering Ben’s hands with his own.

“My Mountie,” he whispered smugly.

“Undeniably,” the soft reply tickled his scalp.  “Mmm…you always smell so good.”

“Compared to some of the stuff I’ve seen you sniffing I’m not surprised.”

“What I’m really looking forward to is the first taste.”

That thought zipped straight to Ray’s groin and he couldn’t stop the giveaway intake of breath.  Ben withdrew his arms and turned Ray to him, cupping his face and trying for a kiss.  Ray dodged and turned back to the window.

“One kiss, that’s what you said earlier.  You wouldn’t ask again.”

“I wasn’t asking.”  The kisses now trailed over Ray’s scalp, down to his very sensitive neck.  He shuddered and Ben held him tighter, pressing into him so Ray could feel how aroused he was.  “So…” Ben murmured between kisses, “after that moment in the holding cell when you turned and saw the idiot…”

“I shouldn’t have said that, I’m…I’m…”

“Did you think of him when you got home?  In the shower?  Maybe in bed that night?”

“You know the answer to that.”

“How did you think of him?”

“Don’t, Benny,” Ray groaned.

“Were you fucking him or was he fucking you?”

Ray’s defences shattered, whether it was the image – choice of images – or simply that word coming from Ben’s mouth, but he abruptly twisted to face him.  There was suddenly a hand at the small of Ben’s back, another firmly cradling his head, and now he was the one being manhandled close as Ray’s mouth found his, kissing him passionately, his tongue pressing for admittance and sliding into Ben as his lips willingly opened.  Ben reciprocated, receiving that first taste he had been longing for, absorbing the unique flavour and basking in the intimacy of this act.  It was over too soon, as Ben knew it would be, when Ray’s conscience finally stopped him pursuing further.  Ray backed off, breathless, hopelessly horny but protecting Ben with his innate sense of decency.

“I’ve gotta go, Benny.”

“Ray…”

“I’m gonna go.”

“You know…  That was the first time you’ve ever kissed me.  Before, you were just letting me kiss you, but that was…”  Ben slowly shook his head, unable to find a word that captured the sheer eroticism of Ray’s action.  “I want you so much.”

“I…have to go.”  Ray managed to skirt Ben and get to the door; he turned to find Ben stalking him.  ‘Business, business, business,’ rattled through Ray’s head and he tried to drag his brain out of his trousers.  “So, Benny, tomorrow.  You wanna come along with me?  I could certainly do with your help.”

“Let’s see…”  Ben was nose to nose with him again.  “Tomorrow.  You want me to…come with you, is that right?”

“Benny, what are you doing to me?” Ray smiled weakly.

“Ensuring you don’t change your mind about us.”  Ben returned the smile but Ray knew the words were deadly serious.

“I’m not gonna change my mind, Benny, I promise.  If you want me you can have me.  Think about it: you’ve always had me.”

“Thank you.”

“And any interpretation you want to put on that is fine by me.”

“That’s very generous, Ray.”

“My mind, my heart, my soul, all the mushy stuff.”

“I’m…touched.”  Oh, the insinuation in that voice!

“I’m also ready to fuck the living daylights out of you.”

“Please, Ray.”  Ben’s lips brushed Ray’s once more.

“Can’t believe I said that, I didn’t say that, all right?”

“No?”

“Not the big-eyed Mountie look!  When it comes to it I will make love with you.  If and when it’s safe we will make love.  Now let me out, I’m only human!”

Ray was halfway home when the phone rang.  He pulled over by the side of the road and answered it, rightly suspicious about who was calling.

“Vecchio.”

“Hello, Ray,” Ben purred.  Purred?  Yes.  Shit!  Ray swallowed hard.  “Do you want to know what I’m doing now?”

“You want to know what I’m doing, Benny?  Crashing the car!”

“What are you going to do when you get home?”

“Sleep.”

“Just sleep?”

“Just sleep.”

“That’s not entirely true, is it, Ray?”  Ray laughed and shook his head.  “Is it, Ray?” taunted the Mountie’s disembodied voice.

“I’m shaking my head here.”

“Good.”  Ben’s voice became serious.  “You didn’t give me a chance to say what I wanted to earlier, Ray.  May I now?”

Ray frowned.

“Sure, Benny.”

“Thank you.”  There was a brief pause as Ben chose his words.  “I love you, Ray.  I’m in love with you.  I wanted to thank you for giving me the chance to find that out.  Giving me the chance to be whole.  I promise I’ll never let you down again.”

“Benny…”

“Goodnight, Ray.  Drive safely.”

“G’night, Benny.”  Ben could hear the tenderness in his voice, could imagine the expression on his face.  “Love you.”

…

It was two in the morning.  Ray was awake, worried.  Now the euphoria of Ben’s advances had passed he was starting to think more clearly.  And the word he found himself thinking more clearly about was ‘why’.  Why was this too good to be true?  Why did Benny want him, claim to love him?  Why had he never suspected that Benny would be…approachable?  Okay, the gaydar thing was a bit of a joke but somehow, when two men were of the same proclivity, they found out; he had known lots of men that he knew were gay just because – well, just because he knew.  But never Benny.  If he was honest with himself, despite the fantasies he’d entertained from the moment they’d met, he’d never considered Benny to be a sexual creature at all until Victoria had shown up.  And God only knew what happened there!  It was as if Benny had been obsessed, not in love.  So was that how Benny was?

Ray wasn’t comfortable with being an obsession.  The aftershocks of Victoria still unnerved him and he didn’t want to affect Benny like that, make him desperate like she had, and there was something desperate about the way Benny had pursued him earlier.  ‘Ensuring you don’t change your mind about us.’  What did Benny think he had to give Ray to make him stay?  His love?  His body?  His health?  His life?

Restlessly throwing back the bed covers Ray sat up, ran his hands over the crew cut that Benny loved: grinned at the sensation and the knowledge.  Another why: why was his suspicious nature attempting to undermine the best thing that had happened to him in years?  Just because he’d been dumped or rejected more times than he cared to count?  Yeah, but his skill at picking people who anyone with an ounce of sense would know were wrong for him couldn’t help – how many times had his mother, or Frannie, or Maria met his latest and looked at him with amused yet pitying eyes?  Of course, he’d never brought a male date home: that would cause a reaction he’d run across the state to avoid!

He thought about Adam, the man he had told Benny about.  Ray had been on his own for some time before they’d met and after just a single date Ray had begun to entertain hopes of a future together; this didn’t actually make Adam particularly special and the hopes were certainly nothing new: Ray wanted to be settled, safe, monogamous and in love.  There were times he had been so lonely he would have forced himself to love anyone if it meant the seclusion would end.  Now it had been two years since he’d felt that way.  He’d met Benny and life had been instantly better, even taking all those ruined suits and the amount of times Benny’d gotten them into trouble into consideration.  Ray hadn’t had to force a thing: love had come naturally, continuing to grow until it was solid and unshakable: the foundation of his existence.  He could never have felt that way about Adam.  Then Ray remembered them in bed and grimaced.  Feeling unable to trust Adam, he had been reticent, physically uncommitted: small wonder his uninhibited lover had looked elsewhere.  But, even with his entire body, Adam couldn’t push the buttons that Benny could manage with a single kiss.

Ray laid back down with a sigh.  He would put the brakes on Benny, force him to think with his head rather than with his…his…don’t even think about…  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

…

Next morning Ray picked Ben and Dief up outside the Mountie’s apartment; both men felt the restoration of the status quo and there was a discernable undercurrent of ‘us against the world’ as they fell back into old ways and, as far as Dief was concerned, bad habits.  Thanks to Ben’s acute olfactory senses the troublesome case was solved by mid-afternoon and the solution was presented to Welsh, who seemed to take the resumption of their partnership for granted.  Paperwork completed, the trio visited a local diner before  Ray drove Ben home.

“Coming up?” Ben asked conversationally.

Ray had been expecting the invitation, but still experienced a buzz of surprise.  All day Ben had been the Mountie of old, the public face of Canada, giving Ray the eerie feeling that he’d dreamt yesterday’s events and there was nothing more than a sound friendship between them.  But what about in the privacy of Ben’s home?  He had to know, had to have the chance to kiss those perfect lips once more before finding the strength to plead the ‘go slow’ argument.

The all-out advance Ray had expected the moment they were behind closed doors failed to materialise; Ben put the kettle on, removed his tunic and boots, assigning both to the closet, watered Dief, made coffee and tea, all as Ray watched in beached confusion.  Or was it frustration?

“Hey,” Ray said softly, immediately distracting Ben from an ongoing debate between Mountie and wolf.  The hopeful look on Ben’s face spoke volumes, so much wanting to be wanted, needing to be needed.  The affection in Ray’s eyes was all the encouragement it took, and Ben crossed the kitchen in record time, cupping his hands around the back of Ray’s head and pulling him into a kiss, running his fingertips through the tantalising bristle.  Ray mentally ordered his hands to behave as they rested lightly on Ben’s waist, itching to explore further, but they were quickly dislodged as Ben began pushing his jacket off, starting on his tie before the dark grey Armani hit the floor.  Ray was thoroughly shaken by Ben’s speed, and was half out of his shirt before he had gathered his wits sufficiently to grab Ben’s wrists.

“Whoa, Benny!  Too fast, too fast!”

“Ray, please, we can be safe.”

“I’m not talking safe now, Benny.”

Ray backed off a step and began rearranging his clothes, throwing his jacket over the back of the nearest chair; Ben observed, the expression on his face akin to pain.

“You don’t want me?”

“You’re kidding, right?  I want you like crazy, but I need you to think about this.  Us.”

“I have.”

“Benny…  Two weeks ago you’d never considered this.”

“Hardly two weeks, Ray.”

“Look, if I had a spare hair I’d let you split it…”

“I should have been more forthright with you at the cabin when you told me of your attraction toward me.  I started thinking about us then.  I haven’t stopped since.”

“Maybe you’re just lonely, Benny, and there I go putting this idea about us into your head.”

“I can’t deny any of that statement, Ray, but the implication is that I would have reacted this way to anyone in the same situation, and it’s patently inaccurate.  You’ve always been special to me.  And, on consideration, if I’d been of a mind to court anyone it would have been you.”

“Court me?  Court me?” Ray grinned.  “That is gorgeous!  Oh, God, I sound gay; forget I said gorgeous, I’ll think of something else.”

“But it never occurred to me to pursue you.  To pursue anyone.  I only became involved with Victoria because of a perverse blend of romantic delusion, guilt and sexual frustration.”

“And I simply thought you’d gone crazy.”

“I had.  I’m not used to letting my emotions run away with me.  When they do, when I get involved…  I’m a disaster area, Ray.  I recognise that, I abhor it, and I try to avoid it.”

Ray hated the anxiety marring Ben’s features; he moved close and took his friend into his arms, smoothing his hands across the strong back, unconsciously steering clear of the bullet scar.  Ben relaxed into the comforting embrace, linking his arms loosely around Ray’s neck.

“You’re not avoiding it now.”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t alarmed by what’s happening, but I trust you more than any person I’ve ever known.  If anyone can contain the disaster, it’s you.”

“This is no disaster,” Ray smiled, and Ben gave him one gentle kiss.

“But you want to slow down?”

“We have no choice, you know that.”  Ray reciprocated with an equally tender kiss.  “Still…if you get really wound up, you know I’ll help you out.  We can do that safely.”

“You mean…”

“You know what I mean, I don’t have to draw you a picture.”

“You mean…”

Ray slipped his hand around to Ben’s groin, massaged the semi-erection that turned to iron beneath his skilled fingers.  Ben gasped and dropped his head forward, leaning his forehead against Ray’s.

“Like this?” Ray whispered knowingly.  Ben nodded against him, speechless for once.  “You want more?”

“I want you,” Ben’s voice was hoarse with desire.

“You can’t have me, but I can still make you feel good.”  Ray’s free hand came around to begin unfastening Ben’s fly; all the time he was racking his brains trying to remember what was in those damned leaflets.  Was it safe for him to go down on Benny without a condom?  If kissing was safe, then saliva was safe, then…  Oh, shit, shit, shit, why couldn’t he remember?  He was inside Ben’s jodhpurs now, caressing him through his boxers, feeling the dampness of his excitement on the uncompromising material.  A distinct tremble made Ray stop and think.  “You want to lie down?”

“Before I fall down?” Ben joked shakily.

“Before you fall down.”  Ben loved to hear Ray’s voice when was it was sweet and full of humour, but now it reminded him of the one-sidedness of this encounter and he resisted Ray’s coaxing toward the bed.  “Hey, come on, Precious,” Ray murmured, and at the sound of the unprecedented endearment Ben caved immediately, allowing himself to be ushered along, not helping but neither hindering as his suspenders were eased from his shoulders and his jodhpurs manoeuvred floorwards, before he was persuaded to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Ray…I can’t…”

“Yes, you can.”

“This should be…”

“No, it shouldn’t.”

“I want…”

“I’m sure you do, but this is okay for now.”

Ben groaned and sank back as Ray’s hands travelled over his boxers and into the waistband, inching them down until they were teased out from under him and off.  Fingertips traced over Ben’s erect penis as Ray contemplated replacing them with his mouth, all the while mentally debating the rights and wrongs while physically aching to taste his love for the first time.

“Come here,” Ben implored.  “Come and kiss me.”

That was an easier decision.  Ray swung Ben around so he was fully on the bed and knelt beside him, peeling off his singlet to leave him naked bar his socks, leaning over to follow through Ben’s order.  As their lips met, his hand journeyed back to Ben’s erection, grasping it more firmly now and finding a smooth rhythm up and down the silky shaft.  Ben moaned into his mouth and the sound zeroed in on his own cock, reminding him that he was wearing good Armani trousers that were never intended to be covered in bodily fluids.  He broke away from Ben.

“Sorry, sorry, I just have to get out of these…” Ray reassured Ben as he backed off of the bed, toed off his shoes without untying the laces, and shed his trousers.  Still breathing heavily, Ben leant up on his elbows to watch.

“I don’t get to ruin another suit?”

Ray laughed.

“As soon as I stop relying on my mother to take my suits to the cleaners.  ‘And what is this stain, Mrs Vecchio?’  Ooh, don’t want to go there.”  He saw the way Ben’s eyes were raking his body.  “You’re gonna behave, right?  Keep your hands to yourself.”

“I have some condoms, Ray, the ones the health centre recommended.”

“Let me guess: industrial strength, equivalent to a heavy gauge tarpaulin.  I’d be more comfortable with you just doing as you’re told.”

“Could you keep your hands to yourself in a similar situation?”

“For God’s sake, Benny, just lie back and take it like a Mountie.  I’ll look after the both of us.”

“That’s the problem,” Ben muttered as he collapsed.  “I want to take it like a Mountie.”

Ray grinned and climbed back onto the bed, settling alongside Ben and letting his hand meander along the firm body until his fingers wrapped around their present favourite body part.  His mouth skimmed his neck, tongue leaving a moist trail down to his shoulder, collar-bone.  The attention to Ben’s cock grew more insistent, and clear pre-cum spread over Ray’s fingers as he mercilessly teased the sensitive glans; a few more firm strokes and Ben’s entire body tensed and he came with a strangled cry, bucking under Ray’s hand.  Ray found he was holding his breath, overwhelmed by his lover’s beauty at the moment of his release, brought to the very edge himself by the sheer eroticism of making this perfect man lose control.  Now able to taste Ben safely he brought his hand to his mouth, and as he licked the semen from it he instinctively pressed forward against Ben’s hip, so intensely aroused that he came instantly, silently, his whole body clenched as if unable to relax and enjoy without fear or inhibition.  As he took a deep, deep breath and forced his muscles to unknot he became aware of the first shudder as Ben’s resolve cracked and he began to sob.  Instantly alert, Ray reached out, gathering Ben up and cradling him, scared to ask a new ‘why’ although he was fairly sure he already knew the answer.

“Oh, Benny, don’t.”  Ray kissed Ben’s temple; whispered into his ear.  “Benny, you’re beautiful, you’re so beautiful and I love you like crazy.  Please don’t…”

“I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.  I’m here, I’m yours.”

After ten minutes of stroking and soothing the worst of the outburst was over and a degree of control was regained; Ben pulled away slightly so he could look into Ray’s face.

“When they took you, Ray, when I thought I’d lost you…”

“Ssh, it’s finished with.”

“My life was over.  I came up against something I knew I’d never recover from.  I didn’t know then that I was allowed to love you this much, but I knew that I couldn’t be alone again, I couldn’t live without you.”

“And now you don’t have to.”

“Listen to me, Ray.  Listen.  I don’t care about being careful, do you understand?  Because wherever you go, I want to follow.”

“I’m not listening to this,” Ray told him firmly, the shock audible in his voice.

“You have to.”

“Stop this now!  No more stupid talk!”

“Ray…”

“You don’t want to live without me?  Well, you’re going the right way about it.  One more word of this and I’m out of that door.”  Ben drew breath to speak, saw the manic glint in Ray’s eye and thought better of it.  Ray wiped the tears from Ben’s face with the corner of a sheet.  “Look at you.  How do you do this?  Anybody else cries for twenty minutes and they look like an explosion in a snot factory.  You?  You look like an elegantly distressed movie star.  You’re so fucking gorgeous you make me cringe!”  Ben started to laugh, bit his lip.  Ray smiled, kissed him, slumped back onto his side of the bed.  “So…you’re not much of a one for afterglow.”  Ben turned to him, snuggling up and burying his face in his friend’s neck, tickling him with breathy giggles.  “You finished going nuts, Benny?”

“Yes, Ray.”  For now.

“You know I’m not laying another finger on you if that happens every time I bring you off.”

“I think I needed to say it.”

“You’ve got it out of your system?”

“Yes.”  Ben kissed Ray’s neck.  “Thank you kindly.”  Another kiss.  “For everything.  It felt so good, Ray.  I’d forgotten.”  Several kisses.  “I’ll want you all the more now I’ve been reminded.”

“We’re meant to be slowing down,” Ray sighed.  “I promised myself that nothing would happen.  I’m still scared, you know?”

“I know.  And I’ve been behaving very selfishly.  You see – put me in a personal situation and I can’t think straight.”

“Well, I’ll have to think for both of us.”

“I agree.”

“What happened here is exceptional and it’s not going to be a daily event.  But I meant what I said: you need me badly enough I won’t let you down.”

“Now?”

“Not now!”

“Would a kiss be considered too subversive?”

Ray wriggled down and around to face Ben, allowing his friend to torment him with a dozen luscious yet undemanding kisses before insisting they both cleaned up and dressed.

“No work tomorrow, Benny, how about a late movie?”

Ben considered.

“Can we hold hands in the dark?”

“Are you serious?” Ray laughed.

“Desperately.”

“Okay.  Okay, we hold hands in the dark.”  A disgruntled mutter came from beside them.  “And, yes, we can bring home doughnuts!”

…

For Ray, the thrill of being able to be himself with Ben transcended all the complications and anxieties in his life.  The cold night sweats lessened as the hot variety reasserted themselves, and Ray’s mental countdown was no longer a dread-filled march toward a damning test result, but an impatient sprint to a liberating all-clear.  Meanwhile he managed to keep Ben safely at arm’s length, occasionally by avoiding him altogether, but remained astounded at the transformation in his friend.  It would have been easy to think that the naivety he exhibited in his everyday life was an intricate act, but Ray found that there were two distinct and completely genuine Bens: the Mountie who belonged to the RCMP, his duty and general do-gooding, who still missed the alluring glances of women who found him irresistible, failed to understand the punchline of risqué jokes, and refused to accept that even the worst criminal was all bad.  And then there was his Benny: the sensual being who had been liberated by a man he knew he could trust unreservedly, and once given permission to love and lust, was luxuriating in his new-found freedom.

And Ben?  Following Ray’s example, he pushed the health issue to the back of his mind, and experienced a time of unadulterated joy, impervious to any amount of sentry duty (more time to think about Ray), sarcastic wolf (pathetically jealous of him and Ray), and the Dragon Lady (irritated by his level of distraction, although she had no idea whom said distraction was).  He endeavoured to resist pestering Ray for anything more than kisses and the most innocent of touches, and allowed himself to wallow in the romantic aspects of their relationship, finally recognising that he had never felt true love before in his life.  He was immensely glad that he had waited for Ray.

Life was great.  For an entire month.

It couldn’t last.

Shooting Star 4       Shooting Star Index

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