<Doo
Mah>
[shopping mall]
[in a central courtyard is a structure of large stones, an
Inukshuk]
Ray: Nice pile
of stones.
Fraser: Oh,
it’s not just stones, Ray. An Inukshuk embodies the human
spirit. Think of it as a message center. It can tell you
about the depth of the snow. Or the directions to the
mainland. Or where the best seals are.
Ray: Great. If
I ever need a seal, I’ll know where to come. And all my
friends have been asking, “Ray, where do you get all those
seals?”
Fraser: What
are you saying?
Ray: In my
opinion, if you give another country a gift, you give them
something practical, like when we gave you those assault
rifles.
Welsh: Hey,
nice pile of rocks.
Fraser: Oh,
it’s not just rocks, Leftenant. An Inukshuk
embodies--
Thatcher:
Fraser. Everything seems to be in order, which means we
have about, uh, ten minutes until the official
dedication.
Welsh: All
right. I’m going to check out my podium.
Ray: I’m going
to go pick up some green food thing.
Thatcher: I’m
gonna go get a cup of coffee.
[Dief sniffs around
the Inukshuk]
Fraser:
Dief.
[Music:
“
November” by
Mythos.]
[a trio sits at a courtyard
table]
Young Man
(Keith Warren): What’s such a big deal?
Young Woman
(Judy Cates): Keith doesn’t want to work for you
anymore.
Warren: I’m
just getting into some other work, is all.
Older Man (Mike
Bennett): This doesn’t happen to me! It’s crap.
[Thatcher, Kowalski, and Welsh look over at raised
voices]
Warren: I’m in
love with her.
Bennett: Love.
Love, love.
[Warren & Cates get up to leave; Bennett follows & stops them]
Bennett
: This is crap!
Warren: Will
you leave us alone? We’ve got nothing more to say.
Bennett: I
don’t give a damn what you got to say. You got that?
[grabs
Warren]
Warren:
No!
Bennett: Can’t
you hear a goddamned word I have to say?
Warren: The
hell with you, man!
[purse-snatcher
grabs a woman’s bag in front of the Inukshuk]
Woman: Stop
him, somebody! Stop him!
[Fraser chases
him]
Bennett:
No!
Cates: Stop it.
Mike! Keith!
[they struggle...
Bennett falls to the ground, bleeding from a knife wound;
Kowalski & Thatcher rush over]
Ray: Police
officer! [holds his
weapon at Warren’s neck]
[Cates has blood on her hand; Thatcher kneels to take the fallen man’s pulse]
[meanwhile, Fraser & Dief chase the purse snatcher;
Fraser rappels on fabric banner from second floor and
knocks the man to the
ground]
Purse-Snatcher
(Dennis): Hey, what are you doing?
Fraser: Is that
your purse?
Dennis: Yeah,
absolutely. [Fraser
gives him a look]
I use it to
carry stuff. Look, you put stuff in your pockets, you get
unsightly bulges in your pants,
right?
[looks at Fraser’s
jodhpurs]
Well, maybe you don’t know about that.
[Fraser gives him
another
look] All
right. I’ll come quietly.
Children:
Yay!
[courtyard]
Welsh: All
right, everybody back up, please. Show’s over. Show’s
over. We got an ambulance coming.
Thatcher:
There’s not much I can do for him.
Ray: Try
mouth-to-mouth.
Thatcher: I
wasn’t insinuating my skills were inadequate, Detective.
The man simply happens to be dead.
Ray:
Hey.
Who’s that?
Fraser: A
purse-snatcher. Who’s this?
Ray: Dead guy.
[points to
Warren] He
did it.
Thatcher:
[points to
Cates] She
did it.
Welsh: They
both did it.
[27th
precinct; break room]
Welsh: Neither
of the suspects have any ID, and they haven’t given us
their names yet. I’ve got Jack and Dewey questioning them
and we’re running their prints.
Thatcher: Are
they talking?
Welsh: Not
yet.
Ray: That
figures. The victim’s name was Mike Bennett. Probably
connected.
Welsh: A mob
thing.
Ray: Hasn’t
been nailed with anything, but the guys at Organized Crime
are checking with the Feds.
Thatcher: What
about the witnesses?
Ray: Other than
six people who swear the Mountie did it, nobody saw
anything.
Welsh: Oh,
that’s great. Two hundred people stand next to a guy who
gets stabbed, and nobody sees a damn thing.
Fraser: Well,
that’s not entirely true, Leftenant. At least three people
did. You’re all trained observers.
Welsh: Well,
we’ll soon see. Let’s get our statements down.
[looks around empty
squad
room] What
is this? Nobody works around here?
Ray: They’re
all at the mall questioning blind people.
Welsh: Fraser.
How bout you take down our three statements?
Thatcher: I’m
not sure he can do that in any official capacity.
Welsh: He can
take notes, can’t he?
Fraser: Ah,
well, yes sir. In two official languages, three forms of
shorthand, Cantonese, Inuktitut--
Welsh: How
about English?
Fraser: Well,
yes, of course.
Welsh: Great.
You’re deputized.
[interrogation room
1]
Dewey: You know
you’re not doing yourself any good here. The least you
could do is tell me your name.
Cates: I want
to phone a lawyer.
Dewey: A
lawyer’s no good. You want to help yourself, you talk to
me. I’m the only guy that can do you any good.
Cates: I have
the right to
remain--
[interrogation room
2]
Warren:
--silent.
Huey: Yeah, but
if you’re innocent, you’d be a lot smarter to tell me what
happened.
Warren: Just
get me a lawyer.
Huey: You’re
making a big mistake.
Warren: I got
the right to remain silent, and I’m using it.
[office; Fraser
takes down individual statements; scenes cut back and
forth between the precinct and the mall scene]
Thatcher: I
know what I saw, Constable Fraser.
Fraser: Yes,
sir.
Thatcher: The
three of them were at the table. They were having an
argument.
Warren: She
wants out of it, you understand?
Thatcher:
The older man was rather nasty and aggressive.
Bennett:
This for real?
Thatcher:
The young couple tried to get away, the older man pursued
them, there was a scuffle, and the woman stabbed the older
man.
Fraser: You’re
absolutely sure?
Ray:
Absolutely, positively sure. I know what I saw. The young
guy did it. The three of ‘em were sitting at this table,
and they were fighting over the girl.
Bennett:
This hurts like hell.
Warren: Don’t
you get it? She’s in love with me.
Ray: And then
the young guy stuck a knife in the old guy.
Fraser: And you
saw this?
Welsh: Look,
Fraser, I know what I saw. This guy Bennett is a hard guy.
What we have here is a mob thing. Two scumbags set up a
third. The three of them were sitting at a table. They
were trying to get out of some deal.
[Italian-type music plays... people surrounding the table
all wearing trenchcoats & sunglasses; Cates
dramatically smokes a
cigarette]
Warren: It’s
over.
Bennett: This
for real?
Cates: You
don’t get to decide anymore, Mike.
Welsh: She
sets the old guy up so the young guy can get a good shot
at him.
[pause]
Well? Do our statements agree?
Fraser: Well,
there are certain areas of congruence, some of them
significant. But on balance? Not even remotely.
[Welsh’s
office]
Welsh: Delbert,
scram. [Delbert
exits] All
right, what do you got?
Ray: Uh,
forensics on the murder weapon.
Welsh:
And?
Ray: It’s the
murder weapon.
Welsh: Very
impressive. Constable, will you get the door, please? How
about prints?
Ray: They’re
unusable.
Welsh: All
right, we’ve got a problem here, and we’ve got to solve
this problem right now. The only evidence we have are our
statements and those statements do not match. Now we don’t
get together on this, and two killers walk.
Ray &
Thatcher: One killer.
Welsh:
Constable, will you help me on this?
Fraser: Yes,
sir. [clears
throat] To
summarize, Ray believes that the young man was the killer,
Inspector Thatcher believes the young woman was the
killer, and you, Leftenant, believe that they both
conspired to do the killing together.
Welsh: All
right, so we’ll go with my version. That way we don’t risk
anybody getting away.
Fraser: But we
do however risk incarcerating an innocent person.
Welsh: Well,
that’s the court system, Fraser. We arrest them, the
judges sort ‘em out.
Ray: But she
had nothing to do with it, Lieutenant. I mean, she was
probably the cause of it--
Thatcher: Oh!
Ha! I see. Just because she’s a *woman* she can’t be the
*killer* she can only be the *motive.*
Ray: Oh, it’s
good to be the motive. Very good to be the motive.
Thatcher: She’s
not the motive, she’s the killer.
Ray: She’s not
the killer.
Thatcher:
She’s the killer.
Ray: She’s not
the killer.
Thatcher: She’s
the killer.
Ray: She’s not
the killer.
Thatcher: She’s
the killer.
Welsh: Enough!
We’ve got to start right back at the beginning here.
Francesca!!
Francesca:
Right here.
Welsh: Oh!
[Frannie runs into
him with the map
stand]
Oof!
Francesca: Oh,
sorry, sorry. Hi, Fraze.
Fraser:
Francesca.
Welsh: All
right, lay it out.
Francesca: You
know Lieutenant Welsh, my cousin Jenny works in an office
where they have a cappuccino machine.
Welsh: A
cappuccino machine.
Francesca:
Mm-hmm. Well you see, the reason I mention this at all is
because our coffee is a, um, revolting sludge that could
probably kill an ox at a hundred paces. And I just really
think that a cappuccino machine would boost the morale of
the entire station. What do you think?
Welsh: I think
this is a police station. It is *not* a social club!
Francesca: It
would probably improve your temper, too.
Welsh: Get a
longer shirt.
Francesca: Bye,
Fraze.
Fraser : Francesca.
[Francesca exits; Fraser clumsily tries to shut door after
her but she’s done it
already]
Welsh: All
right, people. Where did we first notice them?
Thatcher:
They’re at the table, and they’re having an
argument.
Welsh: Right.
Which puts them right there. And we can assume, since
they’re having an argument, that they know each
other.
Ray: Of course
they know each other. It’s, uh, it’s Bennett’s wife or
girlfriend.
Welsh: How
would you know that?
Ray: Body
language.
Welsh: Body
language. Can we confine ourselves to facts,
Detective?
Ray: Body
language happens to be a fact that I am particularly
sensitive to. [hikes
leg & climbs into chair]
Welsh: All
right. We’ve established that they know each other, and
they were arguing. We also agree upon the fact that they
were seated at this table, and the young couple gets up
and walks this way. What else?
Fraser: Then
there was the purse-snatching, which occurred right here,
in front of the Inukshuk. I then launched off in pursuit
of the suspected felon.
Welsh: Right.
Which removes Fraser from then on. What else?
[notices Kowalski
has closed his
eyes] We
boring you, Detective?
Ray: No, I just
see it better this way.
Thatcher:
Probably the way you saw it in the first place.
Welsh: What
exactly do you see?
Ray: Well,
mostly everybody’s watching Fraser, but these guys over
here are getting pretty loud. So I think there’s going to
be a fight. So I look over there.
[scene shifts to the
mall, depicting Kowalski’s visualization]
Bennett:
Nobody walks out on me. Nobody!
Ray: And sure
enough, Bennett grabs the young guy. He’s trying to be
threatening, but he’s kind of pathetic, really.
[Welsh’s
office]
Thatcher: He’s
not pathetic. He’s *brutal.* He did the grabbing, you
admit that.
Ray: I admit
that he did the grabbing, but the way that he did it was
pathetic.
Fraser: And you
got this from the body language, Ray?
Ray:
Exactly.
Welsh: All
right. Can we all at least agree on the fact that it was
the old guy who grabbed the young guy?
Fraser: And you
saw this, Leftenant?
Welsh: Sure. I
mean, except for the body language part. I mean, this guy
Bennett has to
be a tough guy. Why would these two people come in and
whack him?
Thatcher: These
two people didn’t whack him. The woman did it.
Ray: It was the
young guy.
Welsh: It was
both of them.
Thatcher: It
was the woman.
Ray: It was the
young guy.
Welsh: Both of
them.
Thatcher: It
was the woman.
Welsh: Both of
them.
[all speaking at
once]
Francesca:
[over the
din]
Excuse me! Hi,
Fraser.
Fraser:
Francesca.
Francesca:
State’s Attorney Kowalski’s here.
Stella: The
Bennett stabbing. What do you expect me to do with this
mess?
Ray: Hi,
Stella.
Stella: Back
off, Ray.
Welsh: Well for
a start, how about, uh, we press charges against the
killers.
Stella: By
killers, you mean the two suspects you seem incapable of
identifying?
Francesca:
We’re not incapable. We got the guy suspect. We got his ID
off his fingerprints, right here.
Welsh: You, uh,
you just forgot to tell me that?
Francesca: No,
I assumed you were busy.
Welsh: Yeah, I
was busy. I was busy on this case. And when I’m busy on a
case, I like to know about these little details that come
up. They’re very interesting to me.
Francesca: You
know, you don’t have to bite my head off. And if you had
access to better coffee, you probably wouldn’t want
to.
Ray: What is
the name, Frannie?
Francesca: It’s
on the...pop sheet there.
Ray: You mean
*rap* sheet.
Francesca:
Okay, *rap.* [walks
away, mumbling to
self] Pop,
country, classical, ska, reggae, polka....
Welsh: Keith
Warren, a.k.a. Keith Earl, a.k.a. Warren Earl. B+E, car
theft. It’s mostly juvenile stuff.
Stella: Do you
have any other evidence that I should know about?
Ray: What,
other than the fact that they were standing right beside
him when he keeled over with a knife in his guts?
Stella: Cut the
sarcasm, Ray.
Ray:
Okay.
Stella: So the
three of you were there, and you didn’t see
anything.
Fraser:
Actually, ma’am, we have three very clear
statements.
Welsh: Right,
we’re-and we’re still working through the evidence.
Thatcher: Yes,
the, uh, evidence.
Fraser: Which
we’re working through.
Thatcher:
Yes.
Stella: That’s
it?
Fraser: Pretty
much.
Thatcher & Ray
& Welsh: Pretty much.
Welsh: That’s
about it.
Stella: Let’s
just see if I’ve got the full picture here. You’ve got two
mute suspects, a hundred witnesses, none of whom can
identify them, no motive, and the three of you apparently
were in different time zones when the crime occurred.
[Kowalski
nods] It’s
amazing you can keep your jobs. These suspects will lawyer
up soon. Then you’ll get hit with a police harassment
suit. So if you don’t come up with something solid, I
can’t back you. You’ve got an hour and a half, and I cut
them loose.
[exits]
Welsh: What
does that body language tell you?
Ray: We’re
sinking.
Thatcher: We’re
sunk.
[Francesca walks
through bullpen (to a jazzy tune), and opens Welsh’s
office door]
Welsh: Do you
ever knock? It’s simple. You make a fist
[demonstrates on his
desk] and you hit the door.
Francesca:
Excuse me. If you don’t want the FBI file...
[goes to
leave]
Welsh: Hold it!
[Francesca smiles
& reenters office]
Francesca:
Trade. File, cappuccino machine.
Welsh: Look,
cops are supposed to drink bad coffee. We’re programmed to
drink bad coffee. This place would fall apart without bad
coffee.
Francesca: You
don’t know what you’re missing. Hi, Fraser.
Fraser:
Francesca.
[Fraser closes door, with Francesca
inside]
Welsh: All
right. Here we go. This guy Bennett was into everything.
Prostitution, numbers, extortion, gambling.
[picks up
photos]
Mm-hmm. This guy right here. Louie “Three Lips” Righetti.
He’s Bennett’s brother-in-law. He’s got a record as long
as your arm. Johnny “The Worm” Maigot. He’s
second-in-command. Feds believe he takes care of the whole
drug side of the operation.
Ray: Okay, so
he’s got a suspect source of income, and he knows a bunch
of guys with stupid nicknames. So what?
Welsh: So these
creeps that we’ve got here, they were part of the
operation. They figure Bennett’s getting a little slow, so
they whack him.
Thatcher: Just
because he’s a career criminal doesn’t mean that’s why
they murdered him.
Welsh:
Occupational homicide. It happens every day.
Ray: At the
post office, maybe. You really think that this was a
hit?
Welsh: Why
not?
Ray: Well,
cause it’s brainless! Two guys sit down. “Hey, let’s stab
a guy in broad daylight with a hundred witnesses”?
Welsh: Maybe
they’re so smart, they do something stupid. Anybody ever
think of that?
Fraser: Could
you elucidate, sir?
Welsh: No, no,
not since the late sixties.
Ray:
That’s-that’s uh Canadian for “explain.”
Welsh: Oh, all
right. These guys want to whack somebody. They think we’re
smart, and they think we’re on to all the smart ways to do
it. So they do it dumb, right? Now, we think they can’t
possibly be that dumb, so we’re dumb, and we let ‘em go.
But if we’re smart, we realize they did it stupid because
they’re so smart, and we put ‘em away. Very simple.
Fraser: I see.
The double bluff. Or is that a triple bluff?
Welsh: Well, it
doesn’t matter. The point is--
Thatcher: The
point is, she’s still standing in the shopping mall with a
bloody dagger in her hand.
Ray: Did you
actually see the knife in her hand?
Thatcher: Well,
no, but I was a little distracted. Constable Fraser was
running after the
shoplifter.
[mall; Fraser runs in slow motion right at the camera. Music: “Sirens” by Mythos]
Thatcher : [dreamily] You know, the uniform...the motion...the legs, driving like pistons, pumping like steel...
[27th precinct; everyone stares at Thatcher]
Thatcher
: Something red going fast always draws the eye.
Francesca: I
know *exactly* what you mean.
Thatcher: I
doubt it. Nevertheless, this was obviously not a crime of
logic. It was a crime of passion.
Francesca: Oh,
like in Sword of Desire! It’s this great book I’m
reading about this guy who has this
huge--
Ray
: Frannie! Never mind.
Francesca:
*Problem,* because he’s dating this woman who he’s in love
with, but she’s not really in love with him--
Thatcher:
That’s not it at all. She’s involved with the older man.
Perhaps even married to him. Maybe loves him. But let’s
say, he’s cold and unfeeling. He treats her badly,
probably abuses her.
Ray: Wait a
minute. Wait a minute. What are you basing this on?
Thatcher: From
what I heard and what I saw.
Ray: ‘What I
heard and what I saw.’ Who are you, Sherlock Holmes?
Thatcher:
You’re a laugh riot, Detective. But if you had looked, you
would have seen that she wore Cartier earrings mounted in
rose gold, and uncultured black pearls. Exactly the kind
of gift an older man might give to buy affection and
excuse his guilty conscience.
Ray: Wow. That
is one talkative necklace. But did you look at the hand?
Cause if you did, you would have seen she was wearing the
*young* guy’s school ring. Which means she was going out
with the creep.
Welsh: They’re
all creeps. She could have stolen the jewelry from her
grandmother, she could have lifted the ring from her
brother.
Thatcher: She
and the young man were friends.
Ray:
Lovers.
Thatcher:
Friends!
Ray:
Lovers!
Thatcher: It is
possible for a man and a woman to develop a personal,
platonic relationship based on friendship, a-a-a- shared
sense of values, and mutual respect.
Ray: Yeah, on
Mars, maybe.
Fraser: Oh, no,
here on Earth as well, Ray. I think it happens all the
time.
Francesca:
Doesn’t sound like much fun to me.
[gives Fraser a
‘look’]
Thatcher: She
met the young man.
Ray: *How’d*
she meet him?
Thatcher: It
doesn’t matter how she met him. Maybe he was her delivery
boy. Maybe he was her plumber. Maybe he was--
Francesca: Wait
– her pool boy!
Yes! Like in
The Sword of Desire.
[mall; Keith Warren cleans the fountain (in slow motion), sans shirt. Music: “Sirens” by Mythos]
Francesca : Well, okay, the guy in The Sword of Desire wasn’t really the pool boy. He was actually--
[27th
precinct]
Ray: An English
lord.
Francesca: An
English lord!
Thatcher: All
right! He’s her pool boy. He meets her. He sees her with
the older man. But he knows how terrible he is for her. He
also knows she could never face him alone. So--
[mall; table (the
trio talks with their hands)]
Warren: She
wants out of it, you understand? It’s over.
Bennett: This
for real?
Thatcher: He
looked at the young man first. Then he pulled his hand
away from the young woman. No, no, no, that’s wrong!
[Thatcher enters
& directs
them] He
yanked it away, harshly. It was like he was blaming Pool
Boy for coming between the two of them. *Harshly!*
Bennett:
It’s him, isn’t it? You couldn’t do any better than a pool
boy? This doesn’t happen to me.
Cates: You
don’t get to decide anymore, Mike.
Warren: She
doesn’t love you.
Thatcher: He
grabbed her hand. Hard, hurting her. She could feel his
brutality!
Bennett: I’m
taking you home.
Thatcher: Pool
Boy couldn’t stand to see it. He gripped Mike hard and
yanked her away.
Warren:
We’re leaving now, Mike.
[27th
precinct]
Ray: This is
stupid!
Francesca: Oh,
quiet, Ray.
Ray: I mean,
why is he doing all this if nothing’s going on?
Francesca:
Because. He’s giving of himself.
Ray: He’s a
maroon!
Welsh: Pool
Boy?
Thatcher:
Please, Mike!
[mall; Thatcher now
plays the part of Cates]
Bennett: She’s
my property. Nobody takes nothing away from me.
Warren: Come
on, let’s get out of here.
Bennett: Can’t
you hear anything I say?
Warren: The
hell with you!
Bennett: Kill
you!
Thatcher: No!
[stabs
Bennett]
Voices: Oh, oh!
Ahh! Oh my
god!
[Thatcher turns to
look at Warren, who has become Fraser]
Thatcher
: I could never let him hurt you. Never. Not after...
[reaches up to touch
his face, leaving blood trails]
Fraser:
Sir?
[27th precinct; Thatcher is looking up at
Fraser, her hand stroking his
cheek]
Fraser:
Sir?
Francesca
: Not after what?
Fraser: I think
Inspector Thatcher is referring to an incident on a
train--
Thatcher:
Fraser.
Fraser:
Understood.
Thatcher: What
I’m trying to say is, that it is possible to feel so
strongly for another person that you would do anything to
protect them. Even kill for them.
Francesca:
Yes! She killed to protect Pool Boy, because he was
protecting her. Oh, man. This is even more beautiful than
Sword of Desire!
[the Duck Boys burst
in]
Dewey: They’ve
lawyered up.
[interrogation room
1]
Lawyer (Ms.
Madison): You’ve kept my client here for hours without any
charges. She would like to leave. And unless you have a
damn good reason why she shouldn’t, we’re out of
here.
Welsh: Your
client has yet to identify herself to us, Ms.
Madison.
Ms. Madison:
Judy Cates. A second year student at the University of
Chicago. Her parents are on their way in from California.
Her father is a Senior VP at Vetrochem. Her mother is a
federal magistrate in California. No doubt they will
demand that their daughter receive full protection under
the law, not the kind of kangaroo court procedure you seem
to practice here.
Fraser: Are
you suggesting that money and privilege can buy
justice?
Madison: You
from another country?
Fraser: Ah, yes
I am, ma’am. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal
Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the
trail of the killers of my father, and for reasons that
don’t need exploring at this juncture, I have remained,
attached as liaison officer with the Canadian
consulate.
Madison: You
got a punk kid in the next room with a long sheet. Do
yourself a favor. Go pick on him.
Fraser: Ms.
Madison, are we to assume, then, that Miss Cates was not
involved in an abusive relationship with Mr. Bennett, and
that she did not kill Mr. Bennett in an effort to protect
the younger man, sometimes referred to as Pool Boy,
otherwise known as Keith Warren?
Madison: You
from another planet?
Fraser: No,
ma’am, Planet Earth.
Ray: Let’s go
talk to the kid.
Cates: You’re
right.
Welsh: What did
you say?
Madison: She
didn’t say anything. Nothing. Absolutely *nothing.*
Welsh: No, no,
no. I heard something.
Cates: I did
it. I killed him.
[Thatcher gives
Welsh a knowing look]
Cates: It was
like he said. He grabbed Keith, I took out the knife, and
I just stabbed him.
Madison: I’d
advise you not to say another word, Judy.
Cates: It
doesn’t matter.
Madison: I
can’t represent you if you will not take my advice.
Cates: Then
don’t represent me. That doesn’t matter either.
Madison: Fine.
If that’s your decision.
[exits]
Fraser: Miss
Cates, I think it’s a good idea you got yourself another
lawyer.
Cates: Why? I
killed him. I wasn’t thinking. I was scared.
Ray: Mike was
your boyfriend, right?
Cates: I was
slumming.
Welsh: And
what about Keith?
Cates: He’s
just a guy Mike knows. He was helping me out.
Fraser: May I
ask you, uh, where did you carry the knife?
Cates: In my
pocket.
Fraser: In the
pocket of your jeans?
[Cates
nods]
Fraser: Would
you mind demonstrating using this pen?
Cates: I don’t
understand.
Fraser: Oh,
well, just put this where you had the knife.
[Cates stands and
puts pen into left front pocket]
Fraser: Good.
Now, could you pull it out as you did when you stabbed
Mike?
[Cates pulls on pen,
but it catches on her pocket and she has to pull again to
get it free]
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
Ray: May I ask
where you got your jewelry?
Cates: It was a
gift from my parents. Why?
Ray: I like
jewelry.
[Fraser & Kowalski
exit]
Welsh: All
right, have a seat. And let’s start all over again at the
beginning.
[corridor; Kowalski
claps hands & laughs]
Ray: I love
you, Fraser.
Fraser: And I
you, Ray.
Ray: No, not
literally, I mean, symbolically or something.
Fraser: No, I
know. Thank you.
Ray: I knew
that Thatcher’s story was a crock. But that bit with the
jeans? Wow, that cinched it. I mean, she couldn’t get that
knife out of her jeans with a can opener!
Fraser: No, she
did seem to have a lot of difficulty with it. Although
it’s not unusual for people to perform amazing physical
feats when they’re under emotional stress. As a matter of
fact, it reminds me of a fur trapper that--
Ray: Hey! Are
you going to tell me a long story about this trapper,
Eskimo Joe, and how he could throw a grizzly bear over his
head with one hand?
Fraser: Well
that sounds highly improbable, Ray. No, no, the story that
I’m thinking of involves an elephant seal and a man named
Tim. He didn’t so much as throw it, as--
Ray: Save the
seals.
Fraser:
Understood.
[interrogation room
2]
Public Defender
(Penny Morton): What, reinforcements?
Huey: Kid’s not
saying anything.
Penny Morton:
Yeah, so let’s get him into a cell or something. I can’t
wait around here all day while you guys decide what to
do.
Ray: You
are?
Morton: Penny
Morton, public defender’s office. You going to charge him
or what?
Ray: Gonna cut
him loose. Girlfriend just confessed to the whole
thing.
Warren: She
did?
Fraser:
Yes.
Morton: You’re
kidding. You mean he didn’t do it?
Fraser: You
seem surprised.
Morton:
Surprised? I’m
*buffaloed.* I see twenty people a day. They always did
it. You really innocent?
Warren: Wait a
second, this is some cop trick, right?
[enter Welsh &
Thatcher]
Welsh: Well,
kid, you get to walk, huh?
Warren: There’s
no way she confessed.
Ray: Cross my
heart.
Fraser: It’s
true.
Huey: Hey, if
Fraser says it, it’s true. Mounties can’t lie.
Ray: Cut him
loose, Huey. So long, kid.
Warren: You
guys are so stupid!
Welsh: Oh,
yeah?
Warren: Cause I
did it. I killed Bennett.
Ray: I knew
it.
Morton: So did
I.
[corridor, walking
to break room]
Welsh: Kid said
he worked for Bennett. Said he killed him over some
financial disagreement.
Fraser: He also
claims Miss Cates had nothing to do with it.
Ray: And she
said he had nothing to do with it.
Thatcher: Which
supports my version of the story.
Ray: Story,
that’s-that’s a good word for it. She lives, uh, in a
dormitory, gets her jewelry from her parents. Doesn’t have
a pool, let alone a pool boy.
Thatcher: She
gave a perfectly good confession.
Ray: So did my
guy!
Fraser: The
problem is, we now have two confessions.
Welsh: Of
course. I’ve been saying it all along. They are covering
for each other.
Ray: Well,
they’re in love. Naturally they’re gonna cover for each
other, cause that’s what passion does. So let’s say she’s
married to the guy.
Welsh: Oh,
married? She lives in a dormitory.
Ray: Okay,
she’s the girlfriend.
Thatcher:
Exactly. He was mistreating her.
Ray: No. He was
crazy about her. He loves her. She had this sweet breath
that would start the windmills turning on one of those old
Dutch paintings.
[mall; Kowalski
plays the part of Mike Bennett]
Ray: This hurts
like hell. I gave you everything. This does not happen to
me.
Cates: It’s
over, Mike. You don’t get to decide anymore.
Warren: Don’t
you get it? She’s in love with me. She’s dumping you. Come
on, let’s get out of here.
Ray: Judy,
please. Don’t listen to him. He’s not right for you.
Warren: Will
you leave us alone? She doesn’t want you anymore.
Ray: I want to
hear that from her lips.
Cates: Mike,
just let it go.
Ray: Is this
about kids? Is that what this is about? Cause I can wait.
And you can get your career set up, and we can have kids
later. Lots of
them.
[Cates and Warren look at each other,
perplexed]
[27th
precinct; walking to Welsh’s office]
Welsh: What’s
all this about kids?
Ray: Doesn’t
matter. They argue, the kid skewered the old guy, a love
triangle, oldest motive in the world.
Welsh: No, no,
no, hold on, hold on. How do kids fit into this?
Ray: I don’t
know. It might have been part of their problem.
Welsh: No, no,
it think it’s part of *your* problem!
Ray: What
problem?!
Welsh: The
problem that put your marriage in the dumpster.
Ray: What does
that have to do with this?
Fraser: Uh,
Ray, if I may, I think what the Leftenant is suggesting,
and this is by no means uncommon amongst police officers,
you may be projecting some of your own life, some of your
personality, into your deductions about the
criminals.
Welsh: That’s
exactly what I’m suggesting. You two keep looking for
things that aren’t there, like passion and romance. Forget
about it. They don’t exist. This world is full of creeps,
and there were three of them--
[mall; trio is
frozen in the midst of scuffle]
Welsh:
--standing right here. It’s a real simple story. You got
two scumbags taking down another. Just like this.
[Welsh snaps
fingers; Cates and Warren stab Bennett together, smiling
wickedly]
[27th
precinct]
Ray: You’re
saying they both had their hands on the knife?
Welsh: Who
cares? Look, you load a gun, you cock the trigger, you
give the gun to Thatcher, she uses it on Fraser. I find
out your hand was on the gun, you both go away.
Thatcher: I
would never shoot a fellow officer.
Welsh: That’s
‘cause you never had Ray working under you. You’d change
your tune.
Ray:
What?
Welsh: Hey,
I’d shoot you.
[Frannie knocks on
open door]
Francesca
: Examiner’s report on Bennett?
Fraser: Ah, may
I?
Francesca:
[suggestively]
Anytime.
Welsh: Let me
guess. He was stabbed.
Fraser:
According to this document, yes. Interesting.
Ray:
What?
Fraser: The
knife hit him with great force. Cracked two of his ribs.
Also, the angle of entry’s very interesting.
Welsh: Yeah,
well, it’s all very interesting. It still doesn’t tell us
whose hand was on the knife.
Fraser: Quite
right, Leftenant. You know, there is a technique that’s
often very effective in situations similar to this, where
precise recall is required.
Welsh &
Ray: What would that be?
Fraser: Well,
you might think that I have a hole in my bag of marbles,
or that my elevator stops at the collarbone, but it’s
called hypnosis.
Ray: Mumbo
jumbo, voodoo, jujitsu, hocus-pocus.
Fraser: Oh,
quite the contrary, Ray. It’s a very effective technique.
As a matter of fact, I’ve hypnotized myself on a number of
occasions to aid in the recovery of information. Of
course, one doesn’t always remember what one told oneself
in the hypnotic state, so a tape recorder is almost always
necessary.
Welsh: So what
you’re trying to say is, uh, maybe one of us could
remember seeing that knife.
Fraser: It is
possible, yes.
Welsh: Well,
let’s give it a shot.
Fraser: Ah,
well, good. Sir, if you’d be so--
Welsh: No, no,
no. Use it on him.
[points to
Kowalski]
Fraser: Ah, all
right. Ray?
Ray: Uh, no.
I’d love to Fraser, but, um, I got bad eyes.
Francesca: Oh,
okay, do it on me!
Fraser:
Francesca, you weren’t there.
Francesca: Oh.
Well, does that matter?
Fraser: Oddly,
yes.
Francesca:
Oh.
Fraser:
Inspector?
Thatcher:
Anything to get me out of
here.
[Welsh’s office is dark, blinds are closed]
Fraser : Now, Inspector, I want you to relax and follow the loonie. [begins swinging a coin on a string in front of Thatcher’s face] Imagine you’re watching a majestic herd of caribou thundering across the snowy wilderness. The wind whipping at your face. Long ago you lost all sensation in your feet. The icy fingers of hypothermia--
Thatcher
: Fraser, that’s not relaxing.
Fraser: It’s
not?
Thatcher:
No.
Fraser:
Oh.
Thatcher:
Recite the administration manual.
Fraser:
Ah.
[again he swings the coin. Music: “Premonition” by Mythos.]
Fraser : It is the duty of all members who are peace officers, subject to the orders of the commissioner, to perform those duties that are assigned to them as peace officers in relation to the preservation of peace, the prevention of crime and of offenses against the laws of Canada, and...
[music stops: Thatcher is out (and more snoring in the background)]
Fraser
: Good. Now Inspector, I want you to go back a few hours.
You will find yourself in the mall.
Francesca:
[trance-like]
Oh, good. I love shopping.
Welsh &
Ray:
[trance-like]
Nice pile of rocks.
Fraser: Oh,
dear.
[he gets an ‘idea’; music resumes]
Fraser
: Ray? When you hear me say the
word...”cauliflower.”
Ray:
[trance-like]
Cau-li-flah.
[later]
Welsh: So you
hypnotized all of us.
Fraser: Yes,
and I apologize. It would appear that the administration
manual is a powerfully effective tool. I’ll have to
remember it for next time.
Francesca:
Fraser, um, by any chance, did I happen to, uh, reveal
my...innermost personal thoughts?
[cozies up to
him]
Fraser:
No.
[Francesca moves away & gestures in
frustration]
Ray: Did you
get anything on me?
Fraser: Well,
it would appear that you were abducted by aliens at the
age of ten.
Thatcher: Yeah,
but did you get anything important?
Fraser: Other
than that, no.
Welsh: How
about the, uh, the knife?
Fraser:
Unfortunately, none of you actually saw the knife in
anyone’s hand.
Ray: Great
technique, Fraser.
Fraser: Well, I
did discover that there was a fourth man seated at the
table.
Ray: That’s
better. What did he look like?
Fraser:
Unfortunately, Inspector Thatcher is the only one who saw
him, and she didn’t get a particularly clear look. There
is, however another technique I think we could employ to
find out who he was.
Welsh:
Something like reverse psychological brainwashing?
Fraser: No,
we’ll just ask.
[interrogation room
1]
Thatcher: Who
was the fourth man?
Welsh: Excuse
me, this is still my case. Go ahead, answer her
question.
Ray: He was
sitting at the table with you, Mike, and Pool Boy.
Cates: That was
just one of Mike’s goons.
Welsh:
Goons?
Cates: Yes. He
always had a couple of those guys with him.
Bodyguards?
Ray: Real
effective ones, too.
Cates: Maybe
they just got distracted by the purse-snatcher.
Dewey: You know
your boyfriend confessed? Said you didn’t have anything to
do with it.
[pause]
Cates
: I had *everything* to do with it. It was all my idea. I
just wanted to get him out of it.
Thatcher: Out
of his criminal involvement with Mike.
Cates: Yes.
Keith’s a really great guy. He just never got a break. And
then he got involved with Mike, and I just thought that we
could go and ask. But they just started fighting. It
wasn’t his fault. Mike was crazy.
Ray: That’s why
Keith killed him?
[Cates
nods]
[corridor]
Ray: Okay, so I
got the motive a little wrong.
Thatcher: A
little?
Ray: Well, at
least I got the killer right.
Fraser:
Hmm.
Ray: Hmm. What
does that mean, “Hmm”?
Fraser:
Nothing.
Ray: Oh, no.
That means something. You don’t go saying “Hmm” for
nothing. That’s some sort of Canadian thing, isn’t
it?
Fraser:
Hmm.
Ray: He knows
something he’s not saying, right?
Thatcher:
Hmm.
Welsh: What
does that mean?
Thatcher:
Nothing.
Fraser: I think
we should perhaps get Keith’s version of the story.
Ray: Perhaps.
Hmm.
Welsh:
Hmm.
[interrogation room
2]
Warren: So
that’s it. We went together to tell Mike I quit, and Mike
went crazy. I know it looks bad, but she was scared. She
didn’t mean to kill him.
Ray: Wait a
minute. You’re saying
she killed
him?
Warren: Yeah.
Well, she told you the whole story. I guess there’s
nothing else I can do. You know I wouldn’t kill him.
Welsh: You
wouldn’t kill him.
Warren: With
his guy right there? What do you think, I’m nuts?
Thatcher: Who
was the bodyguard?
Warren: Look,
I’m a small-timer. I know nothing.
Fraser: Hmm.
[everyone looks at
him]
Sorry.
[bullpen]
Welsh: Great.
Great. Each one now says the other one did it.
Fraser: Well,
we are making some progress. At least we know why they
were there.
Welsh: Oh,
that’s a big help.
Ray: I think
he’s stonewalling on the other guy at the table. He has to
know a name!
Fraser: Well,
very possibly, Ray, but he’s obviously too frightened to
talk.
Welsh: Great.
So now we’re at another dead end.
Fraser: Not
necessarily. I think it’s time that we question the
purse-snatcher.
Thatcher: The
purse-snatcher? Why him?
Fraser: Because
I believe that the purse-snatcher was the
distraction.
Ray: What
distraction?
Fraser: Oh, uh,
Francesca. I wonder, would you be so kind as to find out
what happened to the purse-snatcher I apprehended earlier
today?
[Frannie is holding,
and trying to hide, a large box]
Francesca
: Sure, you got it, Fraze.
Welsh: What do
you got there?
Francesca:
Nothing.
Ray:
Well?
Fraser: Well,
what?
Ray: Look,
Fraser, you’re making me nuts! You give me a hint here or
I swear I’ll clock you right--
Fraser:
Cauliflower.
Ray:
[like a
zombie]
I’m sorry, Fraser, for being so abrupt. I hope you will
accept my heartfelt apology.
Fraser:
Certainly. Think nothing of it.
[aside to Welsh and
Thatcher]
It won’t last long. Post-hypnotic suggestion rarely does,
but it’s kind of enjoyable, isn’t it?
[snaps
fingers]
Ray: --all
right. Cut the mumbo jumbo, answer the question!
Fraser:
Certainly. Your scenarios were all more or less correct.
The corollary,
or as you would put it, Leftenant, the
corollary, is
that they were also all more or less wrong. Piecing
together the fragments of the argument you all heard, I
think we can safely assume that the scenario went
something like this:
[mall: Fraser’s
version of the story]
Bennett: This
doesn’t happen to me!
Cates: You
don’t have the right to decide what to do with his
life.
Bennett: And
you do.
Warren: I’m in
love with her.
Bennett: Love?
Crap. You love her all you want, you work for me.
Warren: Not
any more.
[Cates & Warren get up from
table]
Fraser:
[voice]
You all missed the fourth man.
Bennett: This
is crap.
Fraser:
[voice]
But that wasn’t entirely
accidental.
[4th man gets up from his table]
Fraser
: He didn’t want to be noticed.
Warren: Will
you leave us alone? We’ve got nothing more to say.
[4th man hides behind
Inukshuk]
Bennett: I
don’t give a damn what you got to say. You owe me, kid,
and when you owe me, I own you! You got that?
Fraser:
[voice]
The fourth man left nothing to
chance.
[4th man nods to purse-snatcher, who goes after a woman]
Fraser
:
[voice]
The purse-snatching was part of his
cover, designed to distract everyone’s attention at the
crucial moment.
Woman: Stop
him! Somebody stop him!
Cates: Mike,
why can’t you just leave him alone?
[Fraser & Dief come through Inukshuk & chase
purse-snatcher]
Warren: Forget
about it. I’m not coming back.
Bennett: No!
Can’t you hear a damn thing I say?
Warren: The
hell with you!
Cates: Stop it!
Mike?!
[Fraser walks out
through the Inukshuk]
Fraser
: The fourth man was hiding behind the Inukshuk.
[Fraser turns to
watch his scenario play out: 4th man pulls out
a knife & Fraser ducks... 4th man throws
knife... Bennett falls to the ground]
[27th
precinct; Fraser stands up]
Ray: Are you
saying that he threw the knife across the mall?
Thatcher: That
sounds a bit far-fetched.
Welsh: There’s
nobody who could throw a knife that accurately.
Fraser: Well,
actually Leftenant, one need only remember the five Ps:
Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.
[he throws a letter opener, which hits a picture right
between the
eyes]
Ray: I bet you
couldn’t do that twice.
Fraser: I never
gamble, Ray.
[he throws a second one, hitting the first opener right on
the
handle]
Francesca: Hey,
Fraze? Your purse-snatcher just made bail. They let him
out a couple minutes ago.
[parking lot behind
precinct]
4th
Man (Johnny Maigot): Hey, Dennis.
Dennis:
Johnny.
Maigot: Get in
the car, I’ll give you a ride.
Dennis: Ah, no
thanks, Johnny. You know, I think I’ll walk. All
right?
Maigot: Just
get in the car.
Ray:
[from
distance]
Johnny!
[Maigot sees
Kowalski and Fraser; he shoots]
Ray: I think
he’s got a gun.
[Dennis flees; Kowalski puts on glasses (with
difficulty)]
Fraser: Ray,
have you considered contacts?
Ray: Too much
fuss.
Cop:
[running after
Dennis]
Stop, police!
Ray: Have you
considered a gun?
Fraser: Too
many legalities.
Ray: Oh.
[bullet shatters
window]
Look, Fraser, just once I would like to say, “Tsh-tsh!
Rack that bad boy and cover me.”
[Kowalski fires cover as Fraser
advances]
Fraser:
Ray!
[Kowalski
advances... Maigot shoots; Kowalski reloads; Fraser runs
off... Kowalski advances once more, firing, but Maigot has
gone]
Ray: Fraser!
[goes after
Maigot]
[Maigot runs into courtyard behind building... he’s
trapped]
Ray: Whooooo!!
Whooo. Drop it, you’ve got nowhere to go.
[Maigot shoots at
Kowalski, who ducks, and hides; Welsh arrives... Maigot
shoots at Welsh, who ducks, and hides; Thatcher arrives...
Maigot shoots at Thatcher, who drops; Fraser
arrives...]
Thatcher: Use
your gun!
Welsh: I left
it at the office!
Thatcher: Ray,
use your gun!
Ray: Shut up!
[he’s out of
ammo]
[Fraser walks
confidently into courtyard]
Thatcher:
Fraser, get outta here!
Ray: Fraser!
He’ll put a cap in you, no!
Fraser: I don’t
think he will, Ray.
Maigot: You
don’t think I’ll shoot?
Fraser: Oh, I
think you’ll shoot, but I think you’ll discover you’ve
spent all your ammunition.
Welsh: It’s a
standard, nine rounds.
Ray: I counted
eight rounds!
Thatcher: I
heard seven!
Welsh: It was
six!
Thatcher:
Seven!
Ray:
Eight!
Thatcher:
Seven!
Ray:
Eight!
Maigot: What do
you think you’re doing, Red?
Fraser: You
committed a murder, and you used an Inukshuk as cover.
That trespass will haunt you.
Maigot: You
judging me?
Fraser: You
violated a sacred thing.
Maigot: Are
you sure it’s empty?
Fraser: Are you
sure it’s not?
[Maigot pulls
trigger, but he’s out of ammo; Kowalski grins widely;
Maigot puts gun down]
Fraser: Now I
imagine you will use your knife.
Maigot: You
want this knife?
Fraser: I would
appreciate it, yes.
Maigot: Here,
it’s yours. [throws
it]
Fraser:
[holding up
knife]
That was close.
Ray:
[to
Fraser]
Grr. [to
Maigot] On
the ground. I will beat you to death with this empty
gun.
[27th
precinct; corridor]
Maigot: Shut.
Up.
Dennis: The
lousy scum tries to kill me. Yeah, and he set me upon the
other thing, too. I didn’t know he was going to kill Mike.
Tells me it was like going to be a practical joke, right?
Hah.
Maigot: I said,
*Shut Up!*
Dennis: No way,
Johnny. Look, you tried to kill me. I want you put away
forever, all right?
Welsh:
[smugly]
Mob
thing.
[corridor into
bullpen]
Welsh: So I had
the big picture all along.
Thatcher: In a
pig’s eye.
Ray: What’s a
pig got to do with it?
Fraser: I have
no idea.
Welsh:
[to the Duck
boys] Hey,
hey, hey, hey, what’s that on your lip?
Huey: What’s
what? [they both
have foam mustaches]
Welsh: What are
these? If they’re what I think they are, I’m going
to--
Francesca:
Okay, the double-double cappuccinos are ready. The
half-caf decafs are on their way, and I’m taking orders
for the café lattés which I recommend very highly.
Welsh: I’ll
kill her. I swear I will!
[exits]
Thatcher:
Fraser, I’ll meet you at the car?
Fraser: Ah,
yes, sir. I’ll just collect my hat.
[Thatcher
exits]
Ray: Hmm. I
sure called that wrong.
Fraser: You
called a lot of it right.
Ray: Do you
think maybe I saw it a certain way because of, you know,
me and Stella?
Fraser: Well,
we all have our perspectives, Ray. There’s nothing wrong
with that.
Ray: There is
if you, uh, almost put the wrong person in jail.
Fraser: That’s
right, but we did find the truth, and that’s what
counts.
Ray:
Right.
Thatcher
: Fraser!
Fraser: Duty
calls.
Ray: Bellows,
more like.
Thatcher:
Constable, I’m losing my patience. We need to get back to
the consulate--
Fraser:
Eggplant.
Thatcher:
[trance-like]
Unless of course you’d like to stay and
talk to your friend for a little while longer. In fact,
why don’t you stay as long as you’d like?
Fraser: Thank
you kindly, sir.
[Thatcher
exits]
Works.
End