Burning
Down the House
<Doo Mah>
[“The Northwest Territories”]
[“Canada”]
[wilderness]
[a man runs through the woods; Fraser
watches through his telescope]
Fraser: [to Dief] Go!
[foot pursuit through the woods, to a
river; Fraser leaps off a cliff & lands in (through) the rowboat the
criminal has stolen]
Man: What is wrong with you? Why
can’t you just leave this thing alone?
Fraser: It’s not in my nature.
Man: Get your feet off the bottom.
Fraser: I don’t think you want me to
do that.
Man: Pick your feet up!
Fraser: As you wish. [he does]
Ready?
Man: What? No. No, no, no! NO!!
[they go over a waterfall... Fraser appears
out of water – with Man in custody]
Fraser: Maybe next time, you’ll
think twice.
[commander’s office]
Commander: Let me just go over the
details and see if I have them in order here. You were in pursuit of this
individual for over six and a half days over roughly, oh, seventeen hundred
kilometers of deep wilderness, in pursuit of an individual you suspected was
guilty of...?
Fraser: Littering, sir.
Commander: Ah. I was hoping I had
read that incorrectly because, you see, in the course of the pursuit of this litterbug, you effectively destroyed 3
river boats, 2 light aircraft, 4 ATV, and 1 punt.
Fraser: The punt was purely
accidental, sir.
Commander: As they so often are,
aren’t they? Tell me, Constable, was there something in the nature of this
man’s litter that would justify the destruction of over $733,000 worth of
private property?
Fraser: Yes, sir. Volume.
Commander: Volume?
Fraser: And content.
Commander: What kind of volume and
content are we talking about?
Fraser: Well, at first it seemed to
be domestic – a village dumping ground. But there was a telltale odor, sir, one
I’m sure that you would recognize, like chicken parts.
Commander: Farts?
Fraser: Parts. Closer inspection
revealed it to be the banned chemical known as DES, or...
...they
were bringing the drums in on cruise ships through the deep port at Skagway and
then hauling them over the White Pass with the intent...
...the
local inhabitants, in an expression of their deep appreciation of the RCMP,
recommended that you, sir, be bestowed with the title of Honorary Tribal Elder.
[knock knock knock]
Constable: Constable Fraser,
there’s a call for you, from Chicago.
[top of telephone pole/27th
precinct]
Fraser: Hello, Ray?
Vecchio: Hey, Benny, how’s the
vacation going?
Fraser: It’s everything a Mountie
could ask for, Ray. Lots of fresh air, plenty of exercise. How are things in
Chicago?
Vecchio: [packing a bag] Well, you
know, Benny. Chicago’s Chicago. Listen, I’m just calling to let you know that I
may not be there at the train to pick you up.
Fraser: Well, that’s no hardship,
Ray. I have legs. I can walk.
Vecchio: I know you have legs,
Benny. That’s not the point. I’m just calling to let you know that you may be
on your own for a while.
Fraser: Is something wrong?
Vecchio: No. Why would anything be
wrong? I’m just calling to let you know that I’d like to be there to pick you
up, but if I can’t be there, it’s not because I didn’t want to be. It’s because
something came up.
Fraser: You’re sure everything’s all
right?
Vecchio: Look, Benny, I don’t know
if they have a similar thing up there in Canada, but down here in America we
have this thing called friendship. And this is something that a friend would
do. Like, for example, if one friend calls another friend and he’s supposed to
meet him at a certain time and a certain place and he can’t be there, he
usually calls him to let him know.
Fraser: So everything is all right,
then.
Vecchio: Yeah, Benny. Everything is
all right.
Fraser: Well, that’s good to hear,
Ray.
Vecchio: It’s good to hear your
voice. Listen, um, I want you to have a
safe trip, and I will be in touch.
Fraser: All right, Ray.
Vecchio: You understand that, uh, I will be in
touch?
Fraser: As a friend?
Vecchio: Yeah, Benny. As a
friend.
[Vecchio hangs up, and sighs; takes bag
& walks out of the darkened, empty precinct, and waves to Welsh who is
standing in his office doorway]
[street]
[Fraser walks, pack on his back]
[Dief whines]
Fraser: Oh, for God’s sake, I think
I provided ample explanation. Ray was otherwise engaged, and taxi policy
precludes the transportation of wolves. Come on. Aside from which, we’re almost
home. At the end of the alley, turn right, cross the street, climb the stairs,
and we’ll be as snug as bugs...in a fire. [rounds
the corner to see his building smoldering & fire crews everywhere]
[thoroughly charred apartment building]
[Fraser finds Dief’s bowl, and a broken
perfume bottle]
Robert Fraser: It’s not an easy
thing to lose a home.
Fraser: No.
Robert Fraser: Your mother and I had
a cabin north of Clyde River. Burned right to the ground. A kerosene error. My
fault. Your mother and I slept in an igloo for 4 months while I rebuilt it. The
longest time we spent together.
Fraser: I didn’t know that.
Robert Fraser: Well, you weren’t
born yet, son.
Fraser: Ah.
Robert Fraser: In fact, all that
time spent in that igloo sort of started the ball rolling,
conceptionally...speaking. But I
wouldn’t let this get to you. Something good might come from it. It did for me.
Fraser: You know, Dad, all the years
you were alive, and now since you’ve been dead, you never-you never talked like
this. You never told me.
Robert Fraser: I didn’t tell you
about Dirk McGirk? Oh, yeah, I chased that rat for years. He walked right up to
the igloo. Didn’t think there was a Mountie inside. Easiest arrest I ever made.
Buck up.
[27th precinct; Fraser sneaks
up to bullpen]
[Dief whines]
Fraser: Dief, shhh. We’ll surprise
him... Ray!
[he’s not there; Fraser goes in search of
Ray Vecchio]
Huey: [to wheezing old man] What’s
the matter, Pops? Something died in your throat?
Old Man: Not yet.
Fraser: Detective Huey, have you
seen Detective Vecchio?
Huey: You mean Ray?
Fraser: Yes. Ray Vecchio, the
detective.
Huey: No. In the lunch room maybe.
Fraser: Ah. Thank you kindly. Oh.
Before I forget, I brought you a little something from the Territories. Genuine
beluga whalebone. [hands him a present]
Huey: Huh. What is it?
Old Man: It’s a sextant.
Huey: What’s a sextant?
Fraser: Well, it’s a very handy
little device. Let’s say, for instance, you were tracking a suspect. You can
use this to triangulate your location.
Old Man: Sure, if you find yourself
in a vast open territory with no distinguishing landmarks.
Huey: I can see how this can come in
real
handy in Chicago, Fraser.
Fraser: I’m glad you like it.
[lunch room]
Fraser: Elaine!
Elaine: Fraser, how was your
vacation?
Fraser: Oh, very relaxing. You
haven’t seen Detective Vecchio, have you?
Elaine: Ray Vecchio?
Fraser: Yes. The detective.
Elaine: Ah, no, no. I haven’t. He’s
probably at his desk.
Fraser: Ah. Well, allow me to give
you this small gift from the Northwest Territories. [it’s a headdress, bedecked with shells, beads, and feathers]
Elaine: Oh, gee, uh, I don’t know
what to say.
Fraser: No need to say anything.
Just enjoy it.
[corridor]
Fraser: Ah, Leftenant.
Welsh: Constable, you’ve returned.
Upon reflection, I imagine that pleases me.
Fraser: Well I hope so, sir. You
haven’t by any chance seen Detective Vecchio, have you?
Welsh: Umm. Listen, we got to talk.
Officer: Lieutenant. We got a dust
off in Interview 3, and there’s a guy from the IRS says he wants to talk to
you.
Welsh: IRS?! All right, listen,
Fraser, a couple of things I got to do, but we have to talk.
[bullpen; someone now at Vecchio’s desk]
Fraser: Ah. Ray!
Ray Kowalski: Fraser! Buddy! [hugs Fraser] You have a good time up there in the
Northwest Areas?
Fraser: Territories, you mean?
Kowalski: Wilderness, huh? Exactly.
Me, personally, I leave the city I come down with a skin condition. Janie, you
given any thought to Friday night? It would be a great first date. Crystal
Ballroom, the band, martinis, me.
Janie: My dog has a foot fungus and
needs some attention.
Kowalski: Right. Is there a karmic
chi love thing happening there or what?
[Kowalski walks through the precinct,
Fraser follows]
Fraser: I’m sorry. There seems to be
some sort of misunderstanding. I’m looking for Ray Vecchio.
Kowalski: Uh-huh?
Fraser: Raymond Vecchio. The
detective.
Kowalski: You talked to Welsh,
right?
Fraser: Yes, I did.
Kowalski: Good, so we’re on the
right track. Look, I’m glad you’re back, Fraser, ‘cause things have not been
the same around here.
Fraser: Obviously.
Kowalski: And you want to know why?
Fraser: As a matter of fact, yes, I
do.
Kowalski: Take a look back through
history, what do you see?
Fraser: Any particular period of
history?
Kowalski: Nah, the whole shebang.
Huey: Fraser, you found him. Good.
Kowalski: What do you see, over and
over, is this. Duets. Okay?
Jimmy: Hey, Ray, what’s up?
Kowalski: Jimmy, you owe me a fin
from last week!
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[they pass Elaine trying on her headdress]
Kowalski: Think about it. Lennon and McCartney,
Leopold and Loeb, The Three Stooges. Strictly speaking, they were a trio, but
in my opinion they should have dropped Larry right from the start because you
could see the guy he just was not
committed to it. Anyway, I think you know what I’m talking about.
Fraser: No, I’m sorry, I haven’t the
faintest idea what you’re talking about.
Kowalski: [quietly] Partners, Fraser.
Partners. [shouts] Elaine, you got that stuff on the
Docklands?
Fraser: Who are you?
Kowalski: Quit kidding around,
Fraser. You know who I am.
Fraser: I assure you, I am not kidding
around.
Elaine: Here you go, Ray. Files 1
through 7, and the background on the Johnson case.
Fraser: [looks very confused] I’m
sorry. I don’t mean to be rude, but I rarely forget a face and I am very
confident that you and I have never met. Now, my name is Constable Benton
Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of
the killers of my father and for reasons that, well, they don’t need exploring
at this juncture, I have remained attached as liaison with the Canadian
consulate, and over the course of my time here I have formed what you would
call a ‘duet’ with the person that I am currently looking for, one Raymond
Vecchio, detective first grade, Chicago Police Department.
Kowalski: [produces ID] Raymond
Vecchio, detective first grade, Chicago Police Department. Everyone here knows
who I am, Fraser, how about you?
[phone rings]
Kowalski: Ray *Vecchio*....Yeah,
like something off a Christmas tree? [to
Fraser] For you.
Voice: Listen, what a shame about
your apartment building. Homeless, huh? What an ugly word. Well, you can always
move in with your friend Vecchio.
Fraser: I’m not at all convinced
that he is my friend, actually.
Voice: Oh, well, great. Then you
probably won’t sweat the fact that his electric blanket’s getting the family
home all nice and toasty. [hangs up]
Fraser: I have no idea who you are,
but if you insist on maintaining the charade of being Ray Vecchio, it may be of
interest for you to know that I have reason to believe your house is about to
burn down.
[parking lot]
Kowalski: Look, we’ll take my car.
Fraser: Oh, please, don’t tell me
your car is a 1971 green Buick Riviera.
Kowalski: Yep.
Fraser: Why not? [to Dief] Let’s just play along.
[Dief barks]
[they get in & speed away; woman
(Greta Garbo) in blue van follows them]
[Riv]
Fraser: I believe that was a stop
sign.
Kowalski: My house could be burning
down, and you’re worried about a stop sign?
Fraser: There is no reason to
compound the tragedy.
Kowalski: God! Stop it!
Fraser: Stop what?
Kowalski: What he’s doing to me, the
things he’s doing to me!
[Dief is enthusiastically licking
Kowalski’s ear]
Fraser: It could be a sign of
affection.
Kowalski: Or what?
Fraser: Or a prelude to lunch.
Kowalski: He’s doing disgusting
things to my ear! Get him off me!
Fraser: He doesn’t always listen to
me. As you know, he’s deaf.
Kowalski: I’ll crash the car!
Fraser: He does read lips, so
enunciate clearly.
Kowalski: Get Off Me Exclamation
Mark!
Fraser: You missed our turn.
Kowalski: I did not miss our turn.
Fraser: Yes, I believe you did. You
see, ordinarily you would turn at Montclair, cut across the alley, cross
Harlem, and then turn right on Octavia.
Kowalski: Yeah, yeah, ordinarily I
would do that, but ordinarily I do not have a deaf wolf trying to make intimate
with me, Fraser. Besides, I’m trying to shake things up a little bit. Routine
is the silent killer.
Fraser: I thought that was high
blood pressure.
Kowalski: Nah, they changed that.
Fraser: When?
Kowalski: You were on vacation. Oh
my God... [into radio] This is Unit 1-1-7. We got a Code 13 at 2926
North Octavia Avenue.
Fraser: Right. You take the back,
I’ll take the front.
Kowalski: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is
a fire. We wait for the fire department.
Fraser: Lives are at stake.
Kowalski: Look, pal, I don’t risk my
neck for anybody.
Fraser: Ray Vecchio would.
[Fraser runs headlong into smoking
Vecchio house]
[bathroom]
Tony: We’re going to die in here!
Francesca: No we’re not. Take this
and cover your face.
Fraser: Come with me. This way...
Stand aside. [breaks window]
Francesca: Oh, Fraser, Fraser,
forget it.
Fraser: Trust me.
Francesca: You, I trust. It’s the
landing that I’m not so sure of. [Fraser
tosses her out the window] Fraser! Oh!! [Kowalski
runs up & grabs Francesca] Watch
where you’re putting your hands, mister!
Tony: You know I’m carrying a little
extra weight.
Fraser: Really? I’ll push.
Tony: Whoa! [out the window]
Francesca: Oh!
Fraser: Ooh.
Francesca: Get off me, you baboon!
[Frannie’s mirror has a photo of Fraser on
it, surrounded by hearts...]
Robert Fraser: It’s hot. Is this my
final posting?
Fraser: I wasn’t aware you could
feel heat.
Robert Fraser: I’m dead, I’m not
insensitive. What are you going to do about the Yank?
Fraser: Well, would do you propose I
do?
Robert Fraser: Collect forensic
evidence to determine if he is who he claims to be.
Fraser: Of course he’s not who he
claims to be.
Robert Fraser: Well, there are those
who would contradict you. You might be delusional.
Fraser: You know, you might be delusional.
Robert Fraser: Oh, that’s another
story.
Fraser: Well there you are.
[outside]
Fireman: You there, in the building.
Is there anyone else inside?
Fraser: [voice] Yes.
Fireman: Alive?
Fraser: [voice] They are. I’m
bringing them out now.
[Fraser emerges carrying an aquarium]
Kowalski: I don’t believe this.
Fraser: I know. It is remarkable,
although carassius auratus can
withstand fluctuations in temperature far greater than generally known.
Kowalski: You went into a burning
building for fish?
Fraser: No, not exclusively. Dief, keep
an eye on them.
[Dief begins to drink from tank]
Kowalski: That man just went into a
burning building for fish.
Fireman: Well, sure. He took that
extra step for red bubble-eye goldfish... Kramer! Take the back!
Francesca: I’m shaking like a leaf.
My heart’s going 100 miles an hour. Fraser, feel my heart. Tell me it’s not
going 100 miles an hour.
Kowalski: Frannie, your heart’s
fine.
Fraser: Excuse me. Francesca, do you
know this man?
Francesca: Yeah, of course I do. [to Kowalski] Doesn’t he know?
Kowalski: He thinks he’s a comedian.
Hardy ha-ha-ha. So did you hear or see anything?
Francesca: Uh, okay, I had Linda
Ronstadt on the tape deck, and I was in the middle of a... facial peel, so no.
And our brother-in-law here was in the middle of his usual.
Tony: My teeth. I had the water
going. I was working on my molars, right? Next thing I know, I got a mouth full
of smoke.
Kowalski: Okay, but did you hear or
see anything?
Fraser: I think we’ve already
answered that.
Francesca: I just said no.
[Fraser goes to the wall & starts
sniffing; he puts his tongue on the wire and there is sound of electrical
sparking]
Kowalski: Hey! What are you doing?!
I don’t know where you come from, but I come from this little place called
America where we got this big thing called electricity. Word of advice. Your
tongue, electricity – not a good mix.
Fraser: Huh.
Kowalski: Okay? Come on, let’s rock
and roll.
Francesca: Hey, Fraze? You know
that--
Fireman: Excuse me, folks.
Francesca: I mean, I know what you
know, you know, and what everybody else knows, and all of that is, um, known.
Do you know what I’m saying?
Fraser: I have no idea what you’re
saying.
[honk]
Kowalski: Come on, Fraser!
Fraser: Excuse me. Dief, let’s--
[Dief groans...the goldfish have
disappeared]
Kowalski: Before I die of waiting?
Fraser: Come on.
[Riv]
Kowalski: You can burn down my place
of employment, you can burn down my bowling alley, you can burn down my dance
hall, sure, but my place of residence? I don’t think so.
Fraser: Hold still. [measures Kowalski’s nose with calipers]
Kowalski: What are you doing?
Fraser: It’s not important. What is
important is that we try to determine who might have had a motive for these
fires.
Kowalski: You always state the
obvious?
Fraser: I’ve never thought about it.
Although, you know, my Uncle Tiberius, who had a life-long fascination with
cabbage and its northern possibilities, he once remarked--
Kowalski: Forget I asked.
Robert Fraser: Don’t bring up
Tiberius.
Fraser: Understood.
Robert Fraser: But that was good,
though, measuring the Yank.
Fraser: Thank you.
Kowalski: What for?
Fraser: For driving the car.
Kowalski: You’re thanking me for
driving the car?
Robert Fraser: Of course, one Yank
is pretty much like another anyway.
Fraser: People are not
interchangeable, like snowmobile parts.
Kowalski: There you go with the
obvious again.
Fraser: You’re right about that.
What I think we should do is go back through our past histories. Well
realizing, of course, that’s not something you’re equipped to do--
Kowalski: What do you mean, I’m not
equipped to do? I can do that. What about the uh, uh, Bolt brothers?
Fraser: The Bolt brothers were not
arsonists. They were demented terrorists whose M.O. involved impromptu
thermonuclear devices.
Kowalski: Right, right, I’m
thinking, uh--
Fraser: Other demented terrorists
whose M.O. involved impromptu thermonuclear devices?
Kowalski: No, wise guy.
Robert Fraser: He’s confused.
Kowalski: Geiger.
Fraser: Geiger was an escaped
convict sworn to vengeance on a legendary Mountie who bore an uncanny resemblance
to the Canadian actor and comedian, Leslie Nielsen.
Robert Fraser: Who has yet to
receive the Order of Canada.
Fraser: Long overdue.
Kowalski: Morgan.
Fraser: Bank robbery.
Kowalski: Herb Colling.
Fraser: Aging vigilante.
Kowalski: Bodine.
Fraser: Gun smuggler. Although it is
interesting, his partner wore a very heavy perfume, the base property I believe
to be a combination of camphor and rose.
Kowalski: What’s the connection?
[back at the 27th precinct]
Fraser: Dief, let’s go. The connection?
Kowalski: Yeah, connection.
Fraser: To Bodine, none, other than
the perfume. However, I did detect the odor of ambergris, a base common to many
perfumes, in the electrical socket outside the Vecchio house, and the same odor
was present in the rubble of my apartment building.
Kowalski: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re
telling me your apartment building was burnt down as well?
Fraser: Yes. In all of the
excitement, I neglected to mention it.
Kowalski: Neglected to mention it?!
Fraser: Well, the point is the same
odor was present, and I retrieved this from the rubble. [shows the perfume bottle in a plastic bag]
Kowalski: Oh, great. So all we got
to do is go around Chicago sticking our noses in people’s pits to find somebody
with the same smell.
Fraser: Well that’s one approach, I
suppose.
Kowalski: Elaine, did you give any
thought to Friday? It would be a great first date, Crystal Ballroom, the band,
martinis, moi.
Elaine: No.
Kowalski: Wait a minute. The perfume
is the starter, the trigger. What the hell is the name of that stuff that gets
the fire going?
Fraser: The accelerant.
Kowalski: Accelerant! Don’t say
anything. [pause] Two and a half years ago, we nailed a painter
named Zoltan Motherwell. At face value, it looked like, uh, he was torching his
lofts to cash in on the insurance money, right?
Fraser: Yes, but the trail widened
and it revealed itself to be a pattern.
Kowalski: Right. He was burning
down, uh, studios, workshops. The guy was on a psycho mission against art.
Fraser: Yes, and in each case the
accelerant was... [surreptitiously picks
up ink pad]
Kowalski: Perfume.
Fraser: Give me five, Detective.
[Kowalski does so, right into the ink pad]
Kowalski: Fraser, you got ink all
over my fingers.
Fraser: Terribly sorry. [prints Kowalski on sheet of paper]
Kowalski: What is that all about?
Fraser: Ah, it’s just a little thing
we do.
Kowalski: A little thing we do, huh?
Fraser: Yeah, it’s one of our little
things.
Kowalski: We have a lot of fun,
don’t we, you and I?
Fraser: [chuckles] More fun than a
barrel of monkeys.
Robert Fraser: Very smooth, son.
Fraser: Thank you.
Kowalski: Don’t thank me yet. Zoltan
Motherwell is in the Evanston Institution for the Criminally Insane.
Fraser: A dead end.
Kowalski: Maybe. Maybe not. I got a
hunch.
Fraser: You have hunches?
Kowalski: Well, that’s pretty much
all I ever have. You know that, Fraser.
Robert Fraser: What about his teeth?
Fraser: Oh, I’m working on that.
Kowalski: Let’s go. You’re working
on what?
Fraser: What?
[Evanston Institution for the Criminally
Insane]
Kowalski: Okay, this is how we’re
going to play this mook. You do the legwork, I’ll hang in the background.
Fraser: You’d prefer not to be seen.
Kowalski: I’ll be seen when I need
to be seen.
Fraser: I see.
Kowalski: ‘I see.’ What does that
mean?
Fraser: Nothing.
Kowalski: No, when someone says ‘I
see’ it means something.
[Fraser opens door for a lady, and stops
Kowalski]
Kowalski: What?
Fraser: It only takes an extra
second to be courteous. Uhp. [a man
exits; then to Kowalski] After you.
Kowalski: After you.
Fraser: Ah, thank you kindly.
Kowalski: You’re welcome.
[they enter; blue van pulls up outside]
[Institute corridor]
Kowalski: What do you mean?
Fraser: Well, what I mean is that
civility is a quality often overlooked--
Kowalski: No, not that. When you said
‘I see.’ What did you mean by that?
Fraser: Well, Ray Vecchio arrested
Zoltan Motherwell. Now, if you are Ray Vecchio, he’ll recognize you. If you are
not, he won’t.
Kowalski: You know something? You’re
a Doubting Thomas. [to guard] You got those files I ordered?
Guard: Yeah, here you go.
[Kowalski takes files and checks gun at
security desk]
Kowalski: You see? We’re like a
one-two punch. A duet. You set ‘em up, I knock ‘em down. You set ‘em up, I
knock ‘em down.
[room]
Motherwell: [restrained in straightjacket and ankle harness] I have no regrets, Constable. I now live
a life of simplicity and purpose. I couldn’t live like this before when I was a
slave. Do you understand me?
Fraser: No, I’m afraid I don’t. You
were a slave to...
Motherwell: Everything. To
everything. Canvas, paint, dealers, galleries, fashion, falsehood. A slave.
Until... Come here. [Fraser leans
in] Closer. Closer.
Fraser: I think this is close
enough.
Motherwell: Until I realized it
could be reduced to ashes. Wiped clean.
Fraser: Ah. I understand.
Kowalski: You understand. I don’t
believe this.
Motherwell: Who is he?
Fraser: This is a detective,
apparently. My problem, Mr. Motherwell, is that it would appear that someone is
continuing your efforts on a far more personal level. My apartment building has
been burned down, leaving all of its tenants homeless.
Motherwell: Oh, that’s tragic. But
that’s the nature of artistic movements. I was merely the first great
performance arsonist. Of course there’ll be followers, imitators, possibly a
school--
Kowalski: All right, okay, I’ve had
enough of this. You see, my friend here, he’s Canadian. He’s polite. He’ll let
you ramble on about this namby-pamby art crap. But me? [flicks lighter; sound goes dim – Motherwell is hypnotized by it] I don’t know what art is. But I know what
I like, and you, dirtball, I don’t like. [throws
lighter onto Motherwell’s jacket, where he can’t reach it]
Motherwell: Who are you?
Kowalski: Hey, shut your trap! You
look into my eyes! You look deep into my eyes! What do you see? You see the
guy? Do you see the guy? The guy that put you in here?! Right?! Right?! Right?!
Right?! [Motherwell nods] Good!
Let’s talk about his copycat torch that’s walking the streets. Got your
signature, which means you know the
torch.
Motherwell: How could I possibly
have anything to do with this, Detective? I’m incarcerated.
Kowalski: Okay, I got a phone log
here. Three phone calls made by you. Two by payphone. One to 555-0188. That’s a
district of the Chicago Police Department. My district. My department. My
phone. In fact, I picked up the phone, concerning my house.
Motherwell: Possibly.
Kowalski: Possibly. Visitors Log.
One visitor, marked ‘girlfriend’ with no name. Now you cough up a name or it is
all aboard for fun time, and I will kick your head all over this room!!!
Motherwell: I think I need to see my
attorney.
Kowalski: Sure, you’ll get to see
your attorney, right after I break your jaw!
Motherwell: Is he going to hit me?
Fraser: I think it’s probably just a
posture.
Kowalski: No-no, I’m going to break
your jaw. But first, let’s talk about your girlfriend.
Motherwell: I have nothing to say.
Kowalski: Gentlemen! Five!
Motherwell: This is ridiculous!
Kowalski: Four.
Motherwell: He’s going to hit me!
Kowalski: Three.
Fraser: I’m sure it’s a posture.
Kowalski: Two.
Fraser: I could be wrong.
Kowalski: One.
Motherwell: No-no! Wait, wait, wait.
[Kowalski stops in mid-swing] All right. What do you want to know?
Kowalski: How about a name?
Motherwell: Greta Garbo.
Kowalski: A real name!
Motherwell: Greta Garbo! It’s a real
name! She has a thing, an obsession, with privacy. She changed it legally.
Kowalski: Whereabouts?
Motherwell: The last time I talked
with her, she lived on Shooter Street, 271.
Fraser: Thank you kindly.
Motherwell: Glad to help.
Fraser: That was just a posture,
wasn’t it?
Kowalski: Yeah, sure. What’s a
posture?
[Garbo’s apartment]
Landlord: Here you go.
[Dief noses in closet]
Fraser: Ray, I found her supply.
Kowalski: We might be too late. I
think she’s planning to switch countries. ‘How to Become a Canadian in Ten Easy
Steps.’
Fraser: The consulate.
Kowalski: Step 1: Get a big hat.
Step 2: Lick electrical sockets. Step 3...
[Riv/Canadian consulate]
Fraser: [on phone] Constable
Turnbull.
Turnbull: Why, that’s correct, sir.
I am a constable. And you’ve reached the Canadian consulate. My name is
Turnbull...Royal Canadian Mounted Police...
Fraser: [to
Kowalski] Where are you going?
Kowalski: The consulate.
Fraser: The old consulate?
Kowalski: There’s a new consulate?
Turnbull: ...attached to the
consulate as an assistant liaison officer...
Fraser: As of this week. It’s
something Ray Vecchio would know.
Kowalski: I knew that.
Fraser: [to Turnbull] Yes, I know
who you are, Turnbull. [to Kowalski] It’s right.
Turnbull: If you know who I am, Mr.
Wright, I fail to see why you’re asking me who I am. I would have thought you--
Fraser: Please put Inspector
Thatcher on the line.
Turnbull: I’m sorry, but...Inspector
Thatcher....indisposed...at the moment...
[reception breaks up]
Fraser: Turnbull? Turnbull? [hangs up] That man is... We’d better hurry.
Turnbull: Hello?
[consulate]
Turnbull: [hanging a portrait] Ah,
Constable Fraser, you have impeccable timing.
[Fraser has Dief smell the perfume bottle]
Fraser: Go!
[Dief, Fraser, & Kowalski go sniffing
around the building]
Turnbull: I would appreciate your
opinion. Do you think Her Majesty would be happy here?
Fraser: Very happy, yes. Turnbull,
have there been any visitors in the office today? Any couriers, any deliveries?
Turnbull: It’s been very quiet
today, sir, with the exception of the builders and movers, and a very peculiar
conversation with a man named Wright.
Fraser: That was me, Turnbull.
Turnbull: Ahh. Deliberately
misidentifying yourself. Very cunning, sir.
Kowalski: Is this guy for real?
Fraser: Very much so, yes.
[Dief points to a closed door]
Turnbull: I wouldn’t go in there,
sir. The Inspector is in a high-level meeting with a man from Scandinavia.
[Fraser opens the door; Dief charges in
& knocks the man down]
Fraser: Would you mind telling me
what brand of perfume you’re wearing, sir?
Sven: Will he bite?
Fraser: Only if provoked.
Thatcher: Fraser, what are you
doing?
Fraser: Your perfume, if you
wouldn’t mind?
Thatcher: [to Kowalski] Who are you?
Sven: My perfume?
Kowalski: [to Thatcher] Ray. Vecchio.
Fraser: If you would be so kind.
Sven: Eau de Pomme.
Thatcher: Of course you are, Detective.
Fraser: Ah. Dief. Off. I’m so
terribly sorry, sir. There’s been a horrifying mistake. [helps him stand]
Thatcher: That would be one way of
putting it, Fraser. Let me introduce you to Sven, my interior designer. Sven,
this is Constable Fraser, with whom I would like to have a word in private. So
if you and Detective Vecchio wouldn’t mind? [Sven
& Kowalski exit]
Fraser: I imagine, sir, that you
would like something resembling an explanation.
Thatcher: That would be a good idea,
Fraser, because at this particular moment, I can assume only one of two things.
Either you are mentally unhinged or you object on principal to interior
designers.
Fraser: No, sir, I only objected to
his smell.
Thatcher: Sven’s smell?
Fraser: Yes, sir. Sven’s smell. You
see, the base property of his cologne was identical to the base property of a
perfume that was used as an accelerant in two fires, one at my apartment
building and one at the Vecchio house, and I had reason to believe that the
consulate was the arsonist’s next target.
Thatcher: The arsonist?
Fraser: Yes, sir. It would appear
that I am being stalked by a performance arsonist.
Thatcher: Okay. That would qualify
as an explanation.
[lobby]
Turnbull: Oh, sure, people snicker.
What use is the monarchy, they say. And right then and there I know they’ve
never experienced the Horse Guard on parade.
Kowalski: Here they come.
Turnbull: Who?
Kowalski: The fire department.
Turnbull: Fire! [rushes outside clutching Queen’s portrait]
[Kowalski sees blue van parked outside]
Kowalski: [to Fraser] The torch! She’s
here!
Fraser: May I, uh...
Thatcher: Yes.
Fraser: Thank you. [picks up small package (putty)] Do you mind if I...
Thatcher: Good luck.
Fraser: May I just say, sir, and I’m
by no means an expert, but that muted green with the flecks of gold? I think it
would be a wonderful complement to the woodwork, the walls, and your eyes.
[leaves, taking Turnbull’s sandwich]
[Riv]
Kowalski: I don’t believe this.
She’s followed us every step of the way. Up the street from my house, at the
mental institution, and now here.
Fraser: Sandwich?
Kowalski: We’re chasing a torch and
you’re thinking about food?
Fraser: Well, we have to keep our
strength up. Here, bite down. Oh! Wrong sandwich.
Kowalski: What was that?
Fraser: Window putty.
Kowalski: What else you got? You got
any pastrami?
Fraser: No, I’m sorry. She’s headed
for the freeway.
Kowalski: Look, I’m not blind. I can
see. Okay, so now we are following you. You been watching your handiwork but
now we are behind you. You got any roast beef?
Fraser: No, I’m afraid not, and you
know I really don’t want to be a party-pooper, but if she’s been following us
to witness her handiwork, she can, in theory, still do that.
Kowalski: How? We are following her
in a car.
Fraser: Well, exactly. All she has
to do is look in her rearview mirror and watch us burst into flames.
Kowalski: Burst into flames.
Fraser: Stay with the van. Don’t
lose her.
Kowalski: What do you mean, don’t
lose her? We can go up at any time. [Fraser
begins crawling around inside the car] Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
Fraser: I’m trying to locate the
igniter.
Kowalski: Well how about we stop the
car and locate the igniter?
Fraser: She is a criminal. Stay the
course.
Kowalski: Look, you know something,
you’re a freak. But in spite of that, I’m going to tell you something. This may
not be the best time, but I’d like to say it before we go up in smoke. I feel a
little pink about it ‘cause I realize no one talked to you.
[Fraser is now climbing around outside the
car]
Kowalski: [shouting] Number one, I’m not the guy that you
think. Number two, the guy you think I am... [horns honk] ...Number three, you know, this was not my ambition to
be, you know, driving in a molotov cocktail with a Mountie on the roof and a
deaf wolf staring at me like I was an appetizer. It just was not part of a
normal desire. Not for me, anyway. I had other things in mind-–
[Fraser disappears off the back]
Kowalski: Fraser! Fra-! They said he was agile,
he’s not agile. He fell off the car!
[Fraser reappears suddenly at driver’s
window]
Kowalski: Hey! Hey, are you with me?
Fraser: You bet.
Kowalski: Okay. Good. Well, the
upshot is I go in and they say, hey, you want a job and I go... I was weak, I
was down. I say, hell I’ll think about it. [Fraser
now crawling over hood] And I’m
thinking about it. Hey, my life’s not great at the moment. I think maybe I can
use a change, a change of scene, a change of luck, go undercover, get a new
life. Then they say, do you want to work with this guy, and--
Fraser: She’s taking the exit!
[Kowalski follows the van, Riv’s tires
screeching; Fraser hangs on tight]
Kowalski: Okay, simple problem.
That’s about it. I mean, I could say more, but that is how I got here. [Fraser gets back in] So what do you think?
Fraser: Nothing.
Kowalski: Nothing? I spill my guts
and ‘nothing’?
Fraser: What are you talking about?
Kowalski: What I was just saying,
you didn’t hear any of it?
Fraser: Well, no, with the wind, the
speed, I’m sorry. Also, I was unable to locate the-- What is she doing?
Kowalski: She’s slowing down.
[he brakes heavily & honks the horn]
Fraser: No!
Kowalski: Okay, I guess we located
the igniter. [as smoke pours from under
the dash]
Fraser: It would appear so.
Kowalski: Okay, this is where I get
off.
Fraser: No, we cannot do that.
Kowalski: Yes, we can, Fraser. Our
work is done here.
Fraser: We stay in the car!
Kowalski: Look, Fraser, what are you
doing? Do not touch my inner thigh or calf!
Fraser: Get your foot off the brake!
Kowalski: I’m trying to stop!
Fraser: You cannot stop the car!
Kowalski: Not with you holding onto
my leg, I can’t!
Fraser: Wait! It is too dangerous!
This is a public thoroughfare. Pedestrians may be afoot.
Kowalski: Look, I do not risk my
neck for anybody! Look, the car’s going to blow!
Fraser: No, it is not. It is very,
very, very rare that a car ever actually explodes.
[just then, the hood explodes into the air
& the car burns furiously]
Fraser: Mental note: Equip your vehicle with a
fire extinguisher.
Kowalski: I am all over that.
Fraser: We’ve got to find a safe
place to deposit this car.
Kowalski: A parking lot?
Fraser: No, it’s too crowded.
Kowalski: How about a park?
Fraser: There might be children
present, family pets. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Kowalski: What?!
Fraser: Stop light.
Kowalski: You have got to be kidding
me.
Fraser: No. I’m afraid not. This is
serious business. Traffic fatalities account for the loss of 41,786 American
lives every year.
[they stop; a squeegee guy thinks better of
squeegee-ing the burning Riv]
Kowalski: Ahhh! Got it. [car
wash]
Fraser: Good thinking.
[they drive through, with no effect]
Kowalski: What is this, some kind of
superfire?
Fraser: No, you shouldn’t have
pressed the hot wax option.
Kowalski: Now what? Ow!!
Fraser: The lake they call Michigan.
Kowalski: Lake Michigan.
Fraser: Yes, the lake they call
Michigan.
Kowalski: Lake Michigan.
Fraser: All right.
Kowalski: Straight in?
Fraser: Straight in.
Kowalski: Listen, in case something
happens, I just want you to know, it’s been a pleasure meeting you.
Fraser: Ah, so you admit we’ve never
met!
Kowalski: I’m not admitting
anything.
Robert Fraser: Give him some ground,
son.
Fraser: Why?
Kowalski: ‘Cause there’s nothing to
admit.
Robert Fraser: He’s not bad for a
Yank.
Fraser: Are you sure?
Kowalski: Yeah, I’m sure.
Robert Fraser: We’re getting closer.
Fraser: I can see that.
Robert Fraser: I’ll say goodbye now.
Fraser: I’ll speak to you later.
Kowalski: You bet you will. And I
mean it. It’s been weird, but it’s been a pleasure.
Fraser: Likewise. Let’s lock our
load.
Kowalski: It’s lock and load.
Fraser: Lock and load. I’m sorry.
[the Riv crashes through a crate of
rubber ducks & they plunge into the lake; Greta Garbo gets out &
regards the scene... Dief is first one out; Fraser pulls Kowalski up; Garbo
runs back to van to retrieve gun, which she points at the guys]
Garbo: He’s a fine painter.
Fraser: Lower the gun, Miss Garbo.
Garbo: A great artist.
Kowalski: Like the man said, put the
gun down.
Garbo: And I’m carrying on his work.
Kowalski: I said, put the gun down. [steps in front of Fraser]
*BANG*
[Kowalski falls; Fraser rushes to disarm
Greta Garbo, and secures her with his lanyard]
Fraser: Ray. Ray. Ray!
Kowalski: Ta-dah! [chuckles & lifts up his shirt]
Fraser: A vest.
Kowalski: You called me Ray.
Fraser: No, I didn’t.
Kowalski: Yeah, you did.
Fraser: No, I didn’t.
Kowalski: Yeah, you did.
Fraser: It was a mistake. Come on. [helps him up]
Kowalski: You know I’m Ray. Don’t
fight it, Benton buddy.
Fraser: You are not Ray. You don’t even look like him.
Kowalski: I could have had plastic
surgery.
Fraser: You could also be unhinged.
Kowalski: I got papers to prove it.
I’ll show you.
Fraser: I don’t want to see them.
Kowalski: I’m Ray.
Fraser: If you’re Ray, where were
you born?
Kowalski: Ah, that smarts when you
get shot.
Fraser: Aha. See? See?
[Kowalski laughs]
[27th precinct; Welsh’s
office]
Fraser: Leftenant, if I could have
just one moment of your time, I promise I’ll be out of your hair before you can
say Jimmy Crack Corn.
Welsh: Rudolph, would you please? [Rudolph exits]
Fraser: Sir, I’ll confess at first I
was a little worried that maybe I had a hole in my bag of marbles. So I did an
impromptu investigation. I would like to present in evidence: These are the
registered fingerprints, and these are the fingerprints of the man in question.
They do not match. This is an official dental record, and this is a cast I had
made of the suspect’s teeth. And they do not match. The shoe size is also
inconsistent, and finally, as you can see, the suspect’s nose is fully 7
millimeters smaller than Ray Vecchio’s. In conclusion, this man is not Raymond
Vecchio.
Welsh: Constable, you have an
uncanny power of observation.
Fraser: Thank you.
Welsh: Of course he’s not Ray Vecchio. I’ve been trying to get to you to talk
to you about this. There’s an operation going on. This operation comes from way
up the ladder. Details are kinda sketchy, but all we need to know is: Ray Vecchio
has gone deep undercover with the Mob. Now, to protect his identity, we have to
make believe that this guy is Ray Vecchio.
Fraser: I see. Leftenant, have you
by any chance heard from Ray?
Welch: Oh, no, no, and I don’t
expect to, either.
Fraser: I understand.
Welsh: But listen, Constable, I want
you to give this guy a fair shot. He’s a real good cop. And, on your way out,
send in my accountant.
Fraser: Understood.
Welsh: Thank you. Ah, Rudolph.
[bullpen]
Kowalski: Fraser. This turned up on
my desk. It’s for you. What do you make of it?
[it’s a postcard which reads: “Cold Out
Here Heat Me Up” (addressed to Const. B. Fraser; Care Of DST 27; 1219 W.
Maxwell St.; Chicago, Illinois 60607)]
Fraser: It’s a message.
[he takes a lighter & waves it underneath
card: a snowy mountain image turns into a photo of Vecchio & Fraser]
Kowalski: Something I should worry
about?
Fraser: No, no. No, everything’s all
right. Everything is actually fine.
Kowalski: Okay. Well.
Fraser: Hey, Ray. Would you,
uh...Would you like to go and get something to eat with me?
Kowalski: Yeah. Uh, I just gotta...
I’ll put away these files and I’ll meet you at the car.
Fraser: All right. Good.
Robert Fraser: You want my opinion?
Fraser: Do I have any choice?
Robert Fraser: He’s a good man.
Fraser: I think you’re right.
Robert Fraser: We have to find
somewhere to live.
Fraser: What do you mean ‘we’?
Robert Fraser: That’s a cruel joke,
son. I’ve been thinking about an office. I think I need an office.
Fraser: What the hell would you do
with an office?
Robert Fraser: Office work, memoirs,
catch up on my taxes.
Fraser: Taxes? You’ve been dead for
two years.
Robert Fraser: Oh, they find you,
son. They find you.
End