[Canadian consulate; Moffet’s office]
Moffet : Image, Constable. That’s what we’re talking about here. The basis of all diplomatic relations isn’t who you are, but who the other side thinks you are. Now, I’ve worked very hard creating an image of Canadians we can all be proud of.
[Moffet is being fitted for trousers]
Fraser : Yes, sir.
Moffet : You, on the other hand, have been doing everything in your power to wreak havoc on that image!
Fraser : Sir?
Moffet : All this do-gooding, Constable. Picking up litter, rescuing kittens, saving people’s lives. What sort of message do you suppose that sends to the Americans?
Fraser : That we care, sir?
Moffet : Exactly. And people don’t fear people who care.
Fraser : I’m sorry, sir, I wasn’t aware that we wanted the Americans to fear us.
Moffet : That’s what every country wants, Fraser. No one takes you seriously if they think that they can push you around. Do you think I would have risen this high if people weren’t afraid of me? [to tailor] When can it be ready?
Tailor : Wednesday.
Moffet : Nonsense, I need it this afternoon!
Tailor : I’ll have to take ‘em with me.
Moffet : Well then, get on with it man! Get on with it! [tailor exits] There, did you see that, Fraser? That’s another American tailor that fears me.
Fraser : I could see that, sir.
Moffet : And that’s what Canada needs.
Fraser : To be feared by tailors?
Moffet : Along with every other American.
Fraser : Do we have a plan to accomplish this, sir?
Moffet : Yes, but I’m not at liberty to reveal it at this moment. The important thing is that you not undermine our efforts with all this nice guy stuff!
Fraser : Yes, sir. As to my assignment?
Moffet : Assignment. Yes. I need you to hand-deliver a very important document. [has trouble locating it] Ah. Now I don’t want to say that the relationship between our two countries rests on its safe arrival, but if something were to go wrong, I can’t speak as to the consequences.
Fraser : It looks like a party invitation, sir.
Moffet : Clever, no? Just make sure that someone gives you a, uh... Get a, a...
Fraser : Signature?
Moffet : A signature, yes, and get the balloons on the way home. We’re counting on you doing your part to make sure our reception is a success. You know your duties?
Fraser : Doorman, sir.
Moffet : Is that what you do?
Fraser : Yes, sir.
Moffet : Well, keep up the good work. Carry on. Oh and Constable: Godspeed.
Fraser : Thank you sir. [exits]
[Moffet realizes he has no pants]
Moffet : Oh...
[Fraser passes Jasmine’s desk, shielding the letter from her sight]
[Fraser’s office]
Fraser : I have to go out for a while, Diefenbaker, on a very important assignment. So what I would suggest, is that you just...Diefenbaker? Oh please, don’t do this to me now. [searches office] Dief? There is nothing more frustrating than playing hide and seek with a deaf wolf.
[opens door]
Fraser : Jasmine, have you seen Diefenbaker?
Jasmine : No Fraser, I haven’t. [signals to look under the desk]
Fraser : Ah, well, if you do would you tell him I had to go out for a while.
Jasmine : Sure thing.
[street]
Fraser : Can I give you a hand across the road, ma’am?
Lady : Well, aren’t you the kind young man! Where you from?
Fraser : Well, ma’am, I’m from... I’d rather not say.
[helps her across street; helps nuns on return trip]
Katherine Burns : [listening to a tape recording] “Je m’appelle Katherine. Comment allez-vous?” Could you tell me how to get to the nearest post office?
Veggie Dog Vendor : Two blocks up on your right--
Katherine : “Très bien. Et vous?” I’m sorry, you’ll have to speak up. I’m trying to learn French and it’s difficult to do two things at once, especially if they’re in two different languages.
Veggie Dog Vendor : Two blocks up--
Katherine : Oh, thanks anyway, I’ll find it myself . Oh damn. “Fermez la porte, Jacques. Merci. Fermez la porte, Jacques. Merci.”
[heedlessly crosses the street: cars swerve to miss her, truck bears down on her... Fraser tackles her (sending mail everywhere, but saving her from being run over); she lands on top of him]
Fraser : Oh I beg your pardon--oof! [she knees him as she gets up]
Katherine : What in God’s name do you think you’re doing, right in broad daylight! I don’t know where you get the idea that you can just do whatever you please. Well, you just tackled the wrong woman, mister.
[she marches into in street to get her envelopes, he is trying to watch for traffic; she piles all her packages and envelopes into his arms]
Fraser : Well actually, I think you misunderstand--
Katherine : I misunderstand? Oh that’s very nice. That’s very nice that you accuse me of not understanding. I’m too rash, too emotional, incapable of reason, huh?
Fraser : Well, no, I didn’t mean that. What I meant was--
Katherine : Well let me tell you something about me. When I want something, I ask, when someone says something, I listen. I don’t grab people and throw them to the ground when they’re trying to learn French and if I do, well at least I apologize.
Fraser : Well I-I-I’m terribly sorry but you misunderstand, you see you were about to be hit by a truck.
Katherine Oh. Why didn’t you just say that in the first place? After all, I’m not a mind reader. [grabs her packages and stalks off]
[he retrieves his Stetson, picks up the envelope – it’s not his]
Fraser : Oh dear. Um...
[street cleaner goes by, soaking his boots]
<Doo Mah>
Fraser : [to Veggie Dog Vendor] Excuse me, did you happen to see a young lady with a bright blue jacket and a floral skirt carrying a-- Post office. Thank you, thank you kindly.
[post office]
Katherine : Oh, that’s very kind of you. Excuse me, you don’t mind if I cut in do you? I’m getting married tomorrow.
Woman 2 : Sure.
Katherine : Oh, thank you.
Fraser : Uh, excuse me.
Katherine : Oh, hello. This is that man I was telling you about.
Woman 1 : Hello.
Katherine : Would you mind if I went in front of you? You see, I’m getting married tomorrow and I’m running very late. Oh, thank you.
Fraser : I’m afraid that you have my letter.
Katherine : Your letter? Oh no, These are my letters. Don’t you remember? They fell when you tackled me.
Fraser : Uh, no, you see, I had a letter also, only my letter didn’t have a stamp on it.
Katherine : Oh, then you’re in the wrong line. You buy stamps over there. Excuse me, sir.
Sir : Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Katherine : Oh, thanks.
Fraser : Uh, no actually, you don’t understand. Or rather, let me think of another way of saying this.
Katherine : Excuse me.
Sir 2 : Sure. Sure.
Fraser : Now you see--
Sir 2 : Hey, hey, wait your turn, buddy.
Katherine : You know, I really don’t think you should be cutting in front of all these nice people. They were generous enough to let me pass but I’m afraid you’re upsetting them. Oh here, I’ll mail it for you.
Fraser : Well, that’s very kind of you, but actually I need my letter back.
Katherine : But you just gave it to me. Just a second, this is my letter.
Fraser : Well yes, it is --
Katherine : What were you doing with my letter? Oh, you’re following me, aren’t you.
Fraser : Exactly.
Katherine : Oh, well that’s very flattering but I have to tell you that I’m already spoken for. And I’m afraid my fiancée is very jealous. So I think it’s really best if we don’t see each other again.
[she gives all the envelopes to the clerk who promptly stamps the invitation and closes his window]
[outside of post office]
Fraser : I appreciate this, Ray. Let me get the door for you.
[inside]
Ray : Look he’s a Mountie, okay? Mounties do not lie. If he says it’s his letter, it’s his letter.
Clerk : I don’t care if he’s Sergeant Preston, he’s not getting the letter.
Fraser : Ray, perhaps--
Ray : Benny, let me handle this all right? Let me see your driver’s license, pal.
Clerk : Do I look like I’m driving? Look, once a letter is deposited it becomes government property. It’s in our care until it reaches it’s designated destination.
Female Clerk : [whispering] Hey, hey, over here. Come here. Are you looking for a letter from the Canadian consulate?
Fraser : Yes. [she hands him the letter] Oh, no, I-I wouldn’t want you to get into any trouble.
Female Clerk : I get off at four.
Fraser : Well then I won’t keep you. You must have a lot to do. Thank you kindly.
Clerk : So how many times do I have to tell you? It can’t be done.
Ray : Yeah well if I find your mail truck parked in front of a hydrant, don’t expect me to cut you any slack! [to Fraser] There’s absolutely no way to get that letter back.
Fraser : It’s all right, Ray. [shows him the invitation]
Ray : How did you do that?
[Riv]
Ray : Did I mention it was my day off?
Fraser : Several times. Consulate line is still busy.
Ray : I thought I did, but then I became confused when I found myself driving around delivering mail.
Fraser : Well, this isn’t just mail, Ray, this is a highly sensitive Canadian government document.
Ray : Oh, you guys planning an invasion?
Fraser : Well, I’m not entirely sure. I think I may have said too much already.
Ray : Well don’t do it today, all right? Cause I’m going to be sitting on my couch enjoying the basketball game and the tip-off is in exactly five minutes.
Fraser : 7-4-6 West Lakeside Place. That wouldn’t be on your way home would it?
Ray : No.
[in front of 746 West Lakeside Place]
Fraser : I’ll just be a minute.
Ray : All right, I’m counting down Fraser. One, two, three, four,
Fraser : Technically that’s counting up.
Ray : Get the hell out of here. Nine, ten...
Delivery Guy : This is the place. Third delivery today.
Katherine : [on phone] I don’t understand what the problem is. [to Fraser] What are you doing here?
Fraser : I am as surprised as you are, ma’am.
Delivery Guy : Delivery for Ellis, where do you want ‘em?
Katherine : Oh anywhere. [to Fraser] Please you have to go away. [into phone] No, of course not you. You are away. Do men understand nothing?
Fraser : Allow me to explain. I have a letter--
Katherine : Oh? The one you accused me of taking?
Fraser : Yes.
Katherine : You see you had it all along. Well, let’s just say you apologized and leave it at that shall we?
Fraser : No! No, you see I have to deliver it into the hands--
Katherine : You want to give it to me? Oh, no, we’ve been through that already, I’m not going to take it a second time. [into phone] Yes, I’m still here. [to Fraser] Listen, we both know why you’re doing this and if I was available I might be intrigued but I’m not so you’ll just have to leave.
Fraser : I honestly didn’t know this was your address.
Katherine : Don’t be ridiculous, it’s written right there on the envelope.
Fraser : Ma’am, all I want to do is deliver this letter--
Katherine : All right, I’ll take your letter but no matter how well it’s written, I’m not going to change my mind. I’m getting married tomorrow. [on phone] Yes, I know you know that. All right, I’ll be there at two. Oh, but just give me your number in case I get lost. 555-0866. 555-0866. 555-0866. Do you have a pen?
Fraser : Yes. And if you could just sign right--
Katherine : Oh dear, what was the number?
Fraser : 555-0866.
Katherine : How do you know the number of my bridal shop?
Fraser : Well, I didn’t know it was the number of your bridal shop.
Katherine : Oh, so you just pulled that number right out of the air. [signs his sheet] Okay, here, now is there anything else?
Fraser : Uh, no and I assure you, ma’am--
Nigel : Who’s down there?
Katherine : Oh, no, now you’ve done it. If my fiancée finds you here, he’ll never understand. He’s very jealous.
Fraser : Well there’s absolutely no reason for--
Katherine : Well then you’re a lot more broad-minded than he is. Bye-bye now.
[shoves Fraser out the door and slams the door in his face]
[inside]
Katherine : Have you seen our wedding license application, dear? I thought I put it--oh, here it is.
[invitation gets knocked into the trashcan]
Nigel : Who was that?
Katherine : Oh no one, dear. A Mountie. He means nothing to me.
Nigel : And what’s that supposed to mean, he means nothing to you?
Katherine : Did you see an envelope with a phone number written on it? It was right here.
Nigel : Just a second. What did he want?
Katherine : You really have nothing to worry about. He’s a total stranger. If I hadn’t been lying on top of him, I hardly would have recognized the man.
Nigel : You were lying on top of him?
Katherine : What is the number of my bridal shop?
Nigel : 555-0866.
Katherine : Oh yes! Thank you, sweetheart.
Nigel : Wait, wait. Forget about that. What’s this lying on top of who?
Katherine : Now, don’t get all worked up. He was just being a gentleman. If he had landed on top, he would have crushed me. You saw how big he was.
[Riv]
Ray : Four hundred and twenty-two, four hundred and twenty-three...
Fraser : I’m sorry it took so long, Ray. Miss Burns is not the easiest person to—
[Vecchio pulls out]
Fraser : Oh dear. Oh dear. Ellis, must be her fiancée, poor man.
[Vecchio puts it in reverse and stops again]
Ray : Just get out of here.
Fraser : All right. No more Mr. Nice Man.
[inside]
Katherine : Now see there you go again jumping to conclusions. You really need to work on controlling your temper.
Nigel : Come on. The guy picks you up in the street, I have a right to know who he is. Is that asking too much?
Katherine : Dear, if I knew his name I would tell you. [doorbell rings]
Nigel : You don’t even know his name?
Katherine : Well, I really didn’t think it would be appropriate to ask. After all I hardly know him and, I did have a few other things on my mind. I mean we are getting married tomorrow.
Nigel : I just want to know what happened, okay? What happened?
Katherine : Nothing, dear. But if it’ll make you happy, I promise I will never see the man again. [opens door: there stands Fraser]
Fraser : Ah, Miss Burns, uh, I just realized I made a mistake in delivering that letter to you.
Nigel : Another guy sending you letters?
Fraser : Uh, no, if I could explain--
Nigel : Don’t you lie to me. You said you gave it to her.
Katherine : I’m sure it’s just an innocent infatuation, dear. [to Fraser] Isn’t that true?
Fraser : No.
Nigel : What?
Katherine : Really?
Nigel : How long has this been going on?
Katherine : Just since this morning. If you don’t believe that, I don’t know what else to say. Oh, there’s my cab. Will you please explain it to him?
Fraser : Well, I would like to explain it to someone.
Katherine : Thank you.
Fraser : You see, sir, all I’m attempting to do is deliver a letter to you.
Nigel : Then give me the letter.
Fraser : Oh dear, uh, she took it with her, didn’t she? This really is not going particularly well. If you will excuse me, sir, I have to pursue your fiancée, otherwise I might not be able to catch her. And I thank you kindly for your patience. [runs after her cab] Ma’am?! Uh-uh-uh. Oh... [jumps into the Riv] We have to follow her.
Ray : Who?
[basketball game is on the radio]
Fraser : She’s in the cab. We can still catch her
[inside]
Perry : What was that all about?
Nigel : Follow her.
Perry : Oh come on, Nigel, not again.
Nigel : If there’s nothing going on, she’s got nothing to worry about, right? Just follow her.
Mrs. McGuffin : [picking up trash can, containing the invitation] Excuse me, sir. If there’s nothing else, I’ll be leaving, sir.
Nigel : All right, there, Mrs. McGuffin. Thank you.
[Riv]
Fraser : I think she’s just up ahead.
Ray : Fraser, why are we following this woman? You delivered the right envelope to the wrong person at the right address. In my book, two out of three is pretty damn good.
Fraser : The consulate line is still busy.
Basketball Announcer : ...did you see that!
Ray : No! No! No, I didn’t see it. Why? Because I’m not at home, that’s why. Here give me that form, I’ll sign it. What’s his name?
Fraser : N.J. Ellis but I don’t think that would be acceptable.
Ray : Nigel J. Ellis?
Fraser : You know him?
Ray : Yeah, Ellis Disposal. The guy’s dirtier than the garbage he hauls. Toxic spills, illegal dumping. We tried to nail him but he’s got so many politicians in his pocket he walks with a limp. I can’t believe that’s the guy you’re delivering the invasion plans to.
Fraser : I can’t believe it’s the same person. Oh, there. There. There she is. [pulls in behind the cab] I promise you I won’t be more than a minute. [exits]
Announcer : I’ve never seen a move like that! I’m not sure I can even describe it!
Ray : Commentate! You’re a commentator!
[license bureau]
Katherine : I told you, I have to pick up the license now, the wedding is tomorrow.
Clerk : And I’ve told you, I can’t issue it unless both parties are present.
Katherine : Well, if you don’t issue it, we can’t get married, and since we’re getting married tomorrow, you really have very little choice in the matter. I don’t know why you can’t see that.
Clerk : You see where it says “Bride and Groom must appear in person?”
Katherine : If you keep repeating yourself, we’re not going to get anywhere.
Fraser : Excuse me, but uh--
Katherine : Oh God! Don’t tell me you want your letter back.
Fraser : If you would just look in your purse. I think you wrote a phone number on it.
Clerk : This your fiancée?
Katherine : Oh don’t be ridiculous, does he look like my fiancée?
Clerk : Then I’ll have to ask you to step aside so I can help these other people.
Katherine : Okay, fine.
Woman : If you don’t want him, I’ll take him.
Man with woman : Honey!
Woman : Well, look at him!
Katherine : You see what you did?
Fraser : Well, I’m sorry, but I fail to understand how my not being your fiancée prevented you from getting your license.
Katherine : Oh, that’s ridiculous! If you were my fiancée, I’d have the license right now, wouldn’t I? And they say men are the logical ones. All right, you’ll just have to do it.
Fraser : I’m sorry, do what?
Katherine : The office closes in fifteen minutes. Nigel can’t get down here in that time, you’ll just have to tell him you’re my fiancée.
Fraser : No. I couldn’t do that.
Katherine : You want your letter back?
Fraser : Well, yes, but I’m not about to lie to a public official.
Katherine : All right, then don’t say anything. I’ll do the talking. [pushes couple out of the way] Excuse me, I found my fiancée.
Clerk : You just told me he wasn’t your fiancée.
Katherine : I was mistaken. I didn’t recognize him.
Clerk : What’s your name?
Katherine : He can’t hear you, he’s mute.
Fraser : I believe you mean deaf.
Katherine : Oh yes, thank you, sweetheart
Clerk : You’re marrying a deaf-mute Mountie and you didn’t recognize him?
Fraser : Perhaps I can explain.
Clerk : If he’s deaf-mute, why is he talking?
Katherine : Now you’re criticizing the handicapped? Well I think your superior will be very interested to know that you refuse to give marriage certificates to the physically challenged. God knows their lives are difficult enough without insensitive bureaucrats like yourself preventing them from getting married. And if that’s not enough--
Clerk : All right, all right, all right just take the damned thing.
Katherine : Oh thank you, that’s very sweet of you.
Fraser : Thank you kindly.
[street]
Fraser : Excuse me ma’am, you forgot to-–
[she has already jumped in the waiting cab and driven off; he jumps into the Riv]
Fraser : Ray, I wonder if you’d mind-- [they peel out after the cab] Yes.
[in front of mall; cab stops & Katherine gets out; Riv stops & Fraser gets out]
Fraser : If you want to go home Ray...
Ray : Nah, nah, I’m having the time of my life!
Fraser : I should be just a minute. [thinks it over] No, no, I probably won’t. You’d better go home. [Riv pulls away] No! Wait! Ray? [Riv backs up] If you could drop by the consulate and just explain to them that I’ll be a little bit late? [Riv screeches off] Thank you kindly, Ray!
[inside the mall]
Perry : [on payphone] Yeah...Nigel, it’s me...Yeah, she’s alone. She’s here and she’s alone. Now can I get outta here?...I’m telling you it’s a waste of...Yeah, fine. I’ll stick around. Yeah. [hangs up]
[bridal shop]
Katherine : I don’t recall saying anything about a hoop.
Tailor : Oh yes, I remember, it was on the twelfth fitting. You said put a hoop in it.
Katherine : Oh don’t be ridiculous, why would I say such a thing?
Tailor : Perhaps because you wanted a hoop. You see? I wrote hoop here.
Katherine : Well maybe you wanted a hoop, it’s your writing. How could it be what I wanted when I don’t want it? That doesn’t make any sense, now does it?
Tailor : Which is why I didn’t put a hoop in it.
Katherine : Oh how clever of you! Should I try it on?
Tailor : Why not?
[Fraser enters]
Woman : May I help you?
Fraser : Yes, I’m looking for a woman. [all eyes turn to him] A particular woman. Her name is Miss Burns. Would you happen to know if she’s here?
Woman : I haven’t any idea. I don’t work here.
Fraser : Then how could you possibly help me?
Tailor : Are you Miss Burns’ fiancée?
Fraser : No.
Tailor : You must be very pleased. She’s in the fitting room.
Fraser : Thank you. [to the curtain] Uh, Miss Burns, it’s Constable Fraser.
Katherine : You know, there’s a very thin line between persistence and obsession.
Fraser : Well I-I’m afraid you forgot to give me the letter--
Katherine : Oh no! That man works for my fiancée.
Fraser : Which man? [she grabs him by his Sam Browne and pulls him behind the curtain] Whoa!
Katherine : Oh this is not good. This is not good at all.
Perry : Ah Miss Burns? It’s me, Perry.
Katherine : Which Perry is that?
Perry : Perry Perry, ma’am.
Katherine : Oh, Perry! What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here?
Perry : I’m following you, ma’am.
Katherine : [to Fraser] Oh this is great. All he has to do is find you here...
Fraser : Then I’ll just explain to him--
Katherine : You met Nigel. You think you’ll be able to explain this to him?
Perry : Who you talking to, ma’am?
Katherine : Oh, you, Perry.
Fraser : There doesn’t seem to be any way out of here--
Katherine : Get under my dress.
Fraser : What?
Katherine : Get under my dress.
Fraser : You want me to get underneath your wedding dress?!
Katherine : Yes!
Fraser : Isn’t that bad luck?
Katherine : Will you hurry up?
Fraser : Oh no, I’m quite sure most folklore--
Katherine : If Nigel finds you in here he’ll kill us both.
Fraser : Right. [climbs under]
Perry : I don’t want to have to come in there, ma’am, but I promised your fiancée that--
Katherine : Oh hello, Perry. How are you?
Perry : Fine, Miss Burns. [checks the fitting room]
Katherine : [to Tailor] It looks lovely. [heads slowly for the door] I just want to see how it moves. [Fraser bumps into the glass door]
Fraser : [whispers] (Sorry.)
Katherine : Shh!
Fraser : (Miss Burns, you’ll have to steer, I have my eyes closed.)
Katherine : Shh!
[they walk out, and quite obviously there is someone under the dress]
Perry : [on payphone] Nigel? I got some bad news.
[taxi]
Katherine : Is he following us?
Fraser : I can’t see anything. Your fiancée, he wouldn’t be Nigel Ellis of Ellis Sanitation?
Katherine : You know him?
Fraser : Only by reputation.
Katherine : Oh, he’s usually a very sweet man. It’s just that when he gets jealous, there’s no reasoning with him. Well, you know what the Swiss are like.
[Riv pulls up to the consulate; Vecchio runs into the lobby]
Jasmine : [answering phone] Canadian consulate, c onsulat du Canada, bon jour, please hold, attendez, s’il vous plaît.
Ray : Excuse me, I--
Jasmine : Canadian consulate, consulat du Canada, good afternoon, bon jour, please hold, attendez, s’il vous plaît.
Ray : Hi, I’d like to--
Jasmine : Canadian consulate, consulat du Canada, good afternoon, bon jour, please hold, attendez, s’il vous plaît... Thank you for holding, merci pour l’attendez...I’m sorry, I don’t speak French. Je ne parle pas français.
[Vecchio gives up and goes to write a note in Fraser’s office]
Ray : Dear...Canadians...Constable...Fraser...will be a little-–
[outside the door]
Moffet : Guests are going to start arriving any minute. Where the hell is he? [still has no pants]
Jasmine : I have been trying to reach him, sir--
Moffet : How long does it take him to do one simple task?
Jasmine : He said he’d be back soon, sir.
Moffet : Well, if he’s not here in five minutes, he doesn’t have to bother showing up at all. No more excuses. I will not be made to look like a fool.
[Dief noses out of hiding place in the closet]
Ray : Trouble. [sees Fraser’s spare uniform hanging...]
Tailor : I have the emperor’s clothes.
Jasmine : He’s here, sir.
Moffet : Well, it’s about time! [grabs the suit & slams the door]
[Vecchio pops his head out of Fraser’s office; Jasmine is amazed]
Ray : Shh. [exits with Dief in tow]
[taxi]
Katherine : I can’t believe he had me followed! I mean, what does he think, I’m going to run off and have an affair the day before we get married? I’ve never given him one reason to suspect me.
Fraser : Well, I’m not sure that I was entirely hidden underneath your dress.
Katherine : I mean, even if I was a little attracted to you, I haven’t acted on it, have I?
Fraser : No-no-no. You’ve been, uh...But, you see, this is something he could possibly misinterpret.
Katherine : I mean, not that I am attracted to you.
Fraser : No, I understand.
Katherine : So, what am I going to do? I can’t go home until he calms down. And we can’t just keep driving around.
Fraser : Well, you must have some friends.
Katherine : In Connecticut.
Fraser : What about family?
Katherine : Hong Kong, Gstaad, Portofino and Terminal Island...Uh, tax evasion. It’s all a misunderstanding.
Fraser : I-I could see how that can happen.
Katherine : Now, we’ll just have to go to your place.
Fraser : No! I don’t think that would be a very good idea.
Katherine : You don’t?
Fraser : No! I have a wolf.
Katherine : Oh. Shame. Could you recommend a hotel?
Cabby : Yeah, I know just the place.
[Honeymoon Hotel]
Fraser : Should I wait until you check in?
Katherine : No. That’s okay. Oh you almost forgot your letter.
Fraser : Oh, thank you.
Katherine : You’re not going to come back and ask me for it again, are you?
Fraser : No, ma’am.
Katherine : Oh. I was sorta getting used to it. Goodbye.
Fraser : Goodbye. [gathers her skirts up and hands her the hem]
Katherine : Thank you.
Cabby : Where to?
Fraser : The Canadian consulate.
[they take off, then he discovers it’s still the wrong letter]
Fraser : We have to go back.
[they do; Fraser gets out and goes into the hotel office; Perry pulls up and dials a cell phone]
Fraser : I believe you have a Katherine Burns registered here?
Bernie : I figured you’d be along soon. Can’t have a honeymoon without a groom.
Fraser : Oh, no, no. I’m not the groom. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted--
Bernie : The Mountie and the damsel in distress. My wife and I used to play that.
Fraser : Uh, perhaps if I showed you my I.D.
Bernie : Oh no-no no-no, no need. I booked you into the honeymoon suite. Heart-shaped waterbed, private lava pool and complimentary champagne and oysters.
Fraser : You see it says right here: “RCMP.”
Bernie : [laughs] Nice touch.
Fraser : No, you don’t understand--
Bernie : No, no. [holds up the key] Have a good night.
Fraser : Thank you. [exits]
Bernie’s wife : Bernie, what does that remind you of?
Bernie : Dubuque?
[corridor; Fraser knocks]
Fraser : Miss Burns?
Katherine : [voice] I don’t need any more champagne, thank you. These two are quite enough.
Fraser : No, it’s me, Constable Fraser. I’m afraid you gave me the wrong letter.
[she opens the door]
Katherine : Oh, I was hoping you’d say that!
Fraser : Uh, no, I, uh, think you are misreading... Whoa-oh dear!! [she grabs him by the front of his jacket and pulls him into the room]
[hotel parking lot; Nigel arrives]
Nigel : Where are they?
Perry : Honeymoon suite. Come on, Nigel! [Nigel pulls out a shotgun] Let’s go home, huh? She isn’t worth it!
Nigel : Out of the way.
Perry : Nigel. Listen to me. Come on, I’m serious, man!
[honeymoon suite; Fraser is trying to unzip the dress]
Fraser : Well, it seems to be stuck on the material. Perhaps I could get one of the maids to--
Katherine : You know what I’m thinking, Constable?
Fraser : Oh, there we go. [gets her zipper open]
Katherine : It would serve him right if I did have an affair.
Fraser : No, that’s just not gonna to come off. [ rezips the dress] Well, goodnight now.
Katherine : What about your letter?
Fraser : Uh, it’s not very important. [tries to open the door]
Katherine : Won’t you at least have one drink with me?
Fraser : Well thank you, but I don’t drink. [the door won’t open] This door seems to be--
Katherine : Locked. [throws glass over her shoulder]
Fraser : [nervously] Ah, yes. Safety first. Well, perhaps-- I’ll check the fire routes.
Katherine : You don’t even drink champagne?
Fraser : No, I’ve just never felt the need. You see, I think all too often people drink in order to escape from uhh-- [she kisses him] Well uh, perhaps just one bottle.
[Nigel hears from hallway...]
Katherine : [voice] That one’s empty. The other one’s beside the bed.
Fraser : But we really should discuss this. You see, in times of emotional stress, people tend to act irrationally.
Katherine : You seem to be under a lot of stress yourself.
Fraser : Well that may be so.
Katherine : So you may be acting irrationally.
Fraser : Oh, dear!
[they fall onto the bed; Fraser notices the mirrored ceiling]
Katherine : I sense you lied about my zipper. [she is unzipping her dress]
[Nigel shoots the door making a very large hole in both it and the window]
Fraser : Thank God!
Nigel : [puts one shell into the rifle] She loves me, [puts the second shell into the rifle] she loves me not.
Katherine : Nigel? Is that you?
[Nigel shoots again, and the shot pierces the waterbed; Fraser jumps out the window and into a dumpster]
Fraser : Jump!
[she does & lands in his arms; Fraser knocks the lid down, and Perry runs right by them] Fraser : I think we’re safe.
[a truck picks up the dumpster...]
Fraser : Oh, I could be mistaken.
[...and they are dumped into the truck]
Fraser : I think the worst of it is over.
[Nigel tosses driver out of truck]
Nigel : Take a coffee break. Idiot.
[back of the garbage truck]
Katherine : My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress. Of course, always the rebel, I had to go out and have my own made. Now look at it.
Fraser : Well, you know, dry cleaners can do, uh... absolutely nothing with that.
Katherine : I can’t believe I’m spending the eve of my wedding riding in a garbage truck, with a total stranger I just tried to seduce in order to escape being shot by my fiancée. I mean it doesn’t get much worse than that, does it?
Fraser : Unfortunately it may. We haven’t picked up any more garbage.
Katherine : Oh, not having garbage dumped on top of us is a bad thing?
Fraser : In our case, yes. It means the truck has finished its rounds and it should be returning to the city dump. Which means it should be going due south.
Katherine : Like my life.
Fraser : But we’ve been traveling consistency northwest. I think someone has commandeered this vehicle.
Katherine : Oh.
[consulate; Vecchio is in red serge, acting as doorman]
Basketball Announcer : ...I’ve never seen a game like this in my life! I don’t think I’ll ever live to see better!
Ray : Yeah, me neither. [opens door of limo]
Guy : Do you know what the score is?
Ray : Shut up and get inside. [to woman still in limo] Come on come on, ain’t got all night! Let’s go!
[consulate office, looking down at ‘Fraser’]
Moffet : [into tape recorder] Mental note. Send Fraser north for a little R & R. I think he’s been spending too much time with that Chicago policeman.
Ray : What are you looking at? You never seen a Canadian before?
[street]
Ray : [to Dief] How the hell does he do this all day? And where the hell is he? Something musta went wrong. He’d never be this late. [Dief barks] [car honks] What’s the matter, your arms broken? Open the door yourself! [to Dief] Let me think this through. If Fraser were with a beautiful woman, where would he end up? [Dief barks] No, no, no, that’s you and me. Come on, think. Okay, what is the most unglamorous, unromantic place you could possibly take a woman? [garbage truck rolls by; Dief follows it] Oh come on. A garbage truck? Not even Fraser is that... Hold on, Benny!
[garbage truck speeds along, followed by Dief on foot, then by Riv]
[back of the garbage truck]
Katherine : Tell me something, Constable. Why is it everywhere I go, disaster follows?
Fraser : Maybe it’s the company you keep.
Katherine : I sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t I?
Fraser : Well, I don’t really know Nigel, so it wouldn’t be fair for me--
Katherine : What’s wrong with you? A man is trying to kill you. You’re suppose to hate him! A woman throws herself at you, you’re supposed to...you’re supposed to do something.
Fraser : Miss Burns, you are engaged to be married.
Katherine : Were you always so good and honorable and perfect and what the hell are you doing?
Fraser : It’s just a loose thread. You wouldn’t happen to have a pair of scissors-- Oh, of course not.
Katherine : Just yank it off.
Fraser : Well, the button might fall off.
Katherine : It’s a button. Take a risk!
Fraser : All right! [tugs thread, button falls off] Huh.
Katherine : Oh. Don’t you ever do anything reckless or stupid or wild?
Fraser : No. Well, there was... No.
Katherine : I guess that’s what first attracted me to Nigel. He was just so...dangerous.
Fraser : I can see how you’d find that exciting.
Katherine : On our first date – it was January – and we drove to Atlantic City with the top down. He took me to this high stakes crap game in the back of the bar and we drank much too much champagne, and ended up jumping off the pier with all of our clothes on. It was just...it was romantic.
Fraser : I thought I was in love once. And then later I thought maybe it was just an inner ear imbalance. We spent an evening snowed in on the side of a mountain watching the Northern Lights. It was probably the most dramatic moment of my life. But in the end I realized I’d learned two things. The first is, that it’s easier to think you’re in love than it is to accept that you’re alone. And the second is, that it’s very easy to confuse love with subatomic particles bursting in the air. Well, I also learned that I should have my ears checked more regularly.
Katherine : It’s funny, the things that attract you to somebody.
[she leans in to kiss him, but the truck stops... then garbage piles onto them]
Katherine : God, I hate my life!
[Nigel empties the truck onto another heap of garbage]
Fraser : Good evening.
Nigel : You got a lot of nerve for a Canadian.
Fraser : Ah yes, and it’s-it’s-it’s quite reasonable that you would be angry, given your understandable confusion, but--
Katherine : I love him!
Fraser : No, she doesn’t.
Katherine : Yes, I do!
Fraser : No, she doesn’t. She’s just angry and attempting to make you jealous. Which at this particular moment would seem to be a rather poor choice.
Nigel : You know what? It worked.
[Nigel points his shotgun...but Dief leaps on it, disarming him]
Nigel : Whoa! Hey!
[Riv blazes in; Dief scampers off as Nigel shoots at him, then at the Riv (shattering a window); Vecchio leaps out firing his weapon (still wearing the serge); Vecchio leaps down into the garbage pile]
Fraser : Detective Vecchio, Miss Burns. Miss Burns, Diefenbaker.
Katherine : Hello.
Ray : Congratulations. I hear you’re getting married. [shoots]
Nigel : Why do I never learn, Perry? [reloads shotgun] Shoot first, talk later. Shoot first, talk later.
Ray : Don’t you want to know why I’m wearing your uniform?
Fraser : I just assumed it was something personal. [Vecchio shoots]
Perry : Come on Nigel, there’s three of them now. What are you going to do, kill them all just because some woman was running around on you?
Nigel : Yeah. Watch and learn. [shoots]
Fraser : Mr. Ellis! I want to assure you that Katherine has been completely faithful to you.
Katherine : [aside] Except for the part on the waterbed.
Ray : Waterbed?
Fraser : It was entirely innocent.
Ray : Yeah, big shock there.
Fraser : Unfortunately, if you don’t believe this, there’s nothing I can say to convince you of it.
Ray : What? No Mountie stories? No Inuit tales?
Fraser : You can never know what is in another person’s heart. You can only know what is in your own. So look inside your heart, Mr. Ellis. Do you love Katherine?
Nigel : Why do you think I want to kill her?
Fraser : Ah.
[Nigel shoots]
Ray : That’s it?
Fraser : Well unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to prove a virtue, Ray.
Nigel : I’m out of shells. Give me your gun.
Perry : No!
Nigel : I said, give me your gun.
Perry : No!
Fraser : He’s not going to listen to reason. How many bullets do you have left, Ray?
Ray : One. [fires it into the air] I’m not shooting my car. I blew up the last one for you and I’m not doing it again.
Fraser : Well actually, that’s not what I had in mind.
Ray : Good, cause I wasn’t going to do it anyway.
Fraser : Well, I know that, Ray. What I had in mind was you and I creating some kind of diversion, while Katherine made a run for that chute over there and slid down to safety. But, unfortunately you’re out of bullets.
Ray : I lied.
Fraser : Oh well in that case, do you think you can get a clean shot of the rear bumper?
Ray : No!
[Perry & Nigel are struggling]
Perry : I said no!
Nigel : Now what if they look up here, and see us like this, what are they going to think?
Ray : Here’s what we’re gonna to do. On the count of three, I’m gonna come up shooting. You throw a head of lettuce or whatever it is you do and the lady runs for the log ride. You ready? One, two--
Katherine : Oh, this is ridiculous. [she stands up]
Ray : Three!
[Dief makes a run for it, and slides down the chute]
Katherine : You want to shoot me, Nigel, go ahead! You say you love me, and then threaten to kill me. I mean what the hell does love mean to you? Just a bunch of particles bursting all over the place, and when you try and touch it, there’s nothing there. That’s not love, Nigel. That’s a light show!
Fraser : Um, perhaps I could explain what she’s alluding to.
Nigel : Well, what do you expect? All right, look at you. You’re running around with this guy. You’re in--you’re in the wedding dress. I catch you in a motel together. Come on.
Katherine : I wasn’t the one who didn’t trust you, had you followed. Do you know what that feels like, to love someone who doesn’t even trust you?
Nigel : You make me nuts. I’m sorry, but you know that. You do that to me. You make me crazy!
Katherine : No, you do that to yourself.
Nigel : You really didn’t do anything with this guy in the red jacket there?
Katherine : I’m not going to tell you, Nigel.
Ray : Tell him!
Katherine : You either believe me or you don’t. There’s no way to prove a virtue.
Fraser : Perhaps you could try.
Nigel : Okay. I believe you. Okay? I’m sorry. Okay? You ever hear me say that before, Perry?
Perry : No.
Nigel : No, no, never before.
Nigel : I am...sorry. Okay? Come on baby, let’s just go home. We gotta get married.
Katherine : Oh, thank you Nigel. You don’t know what that means to me. Unfortunately I’ve realized I don’t love you, so, no.
Nigel : What? What did you say? I stand up here, I pour my heart out to you. I apologize to you. I even offer to take you back and you throw it in my face! Is that right, Katherine? Well guess what? To hell with you.
[aims Perry’s pistol...Fraser throws his hat like a Frisbee, beaning Nigel in the head... the gun fires into the air, and Nigel falls into the garbage heap]
Perry : Hey, uh, I’m just along for the ride.
Ray : I can’t believe you threw your hat.
Fraser : Well, it’s got an incredibly stiff brim. It’s actually specifically designed to--
Ray : We’re in the middle of a crisis and you throw your hat.
Fraser : I’m sorry, Ray.
Katherine : Oh! Look what I found. [holds up the invitation]
Fraser : Remarkable. [to Nigel] Would you sign for this, please?
[outside the consulate]
Fraser : [holds open limo door] Good night ma’am. Goodnight sir. [to Dief] And don’t try to tell me you were attempting to circle around behind him because you never showed up. [silence] I thought you’d have nothing to say about that.
[taxi arrives]
Katherine : Am I too late?
Fraser : No. No, um, I think the band is still playing.
Katherine : [shows invitation] Nigel couldn’t use it. I was hoping maybe I could steal you away for a dance.
Fraser : I’d love to, but I--
Katherine : Duty calls?
Fraser : Such as it is.
Katherine : Well. Maybe another time then.
[she enters as Vecchio exits]
Ray : That was quite the buffet. Know what I love most about Canadians? They’re real easy to elbow out of the way. What are you doing?
Fraser : Just a loose thread. You wouldn’t happen to have a... [tugs string, button stays] Ray, could I impose upon you to...
Ray : Yeah, go ahead. I’m kinda getting the hang of it anyway.
Fraser : Thanks.
[he goes inside, looks around and finds Katherine]
Fraser : May I?
[they dance out the door into the garden. Music: ‘Sleeping Beauty Waltz’ by Tchaikovsky]
[end credits begin, then...]
[outside the consulate]
Ray : Did you folks have a good time tonight?
Male guest : Yes, thank you.
Ray : That’s great. That’s nice. Excuse me, wait a second, ma’am, do you have dinner rolls in that purse? Dump it on the hood. Yes sir, you – up against the car. Come on, empty your pockets, let’s go!
End