Chicago Holiday

[Fraser’s apartment]

[Fraser is ironing his leather boots]
Fraser: [to Dief]  Now let’s pretend you are a sixteen-year-old girl and this is your first time in Chicago. What would you most like to see on your first evening?  [Dief groans]  How about La Bohème? [Dief snorts]  You have to give opera more than one chance. That was the Yukon Light Opera and I thought they did their very best under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. In fact, it’s a miracle that poor woman was able to sing at all…after having been dragged out of that snowdrift. [Dief barks]  Oh, now here’s an idea: a modern dress production of Gilbert and Sullivan’s Ivanhoe!  [Dief groans]  No, you’re right. And she is sixteen. I mean, perhaps I’m being a bit conservative. Mind you, she’s the daughter of a very important Canadian trade diplomat. I can hardly invite her to a sock hop. I’ve got the museums and galleries sheduled for tomorrow, I just have to find something she would enjoy doing tonight. Oh look, the Bee Gees are reuniting!  [Dief whines]

Fraser: [getting his Stetson out of its blocker] You know, I don’t even know why I bother talking to you when you’re in these kinds of moods. May I be frank? I only started talking with you on the ice floe out of sheer boredom. Now you’ve got an opinion on virtually everything. Well, from now on, you can keep your opinions to yourself. [goes to leave, then comes back]   Oh - how do I look? [Dief is silent]  Well, thank you.

[alley: Frank Colebri is having a smoke... he is stabbed with a pocketknife and collapses... a matchbook falls from his hand (it says “Smoking Kills”) and the killer takes it]

[Eddie Beets’ apartment]
Eddie: [voice]  Hi honey, I’m home. I had a very hard day at the office. Guess what? I got the promotion. [laughs] And I’m in a mood to celebrate. [placing stuff on the table, emptying pockets, including the matchbook]  Come out, come out wherever you ar--

*CRASH*
Janice: Think you can treat me like that, Eddie? Hmm? You make me wait here all day and you think you can walk in and talk to me like that? Well think again, jerk.  [uses matchbook to pick her teeth, then plops it into her purse]

 

 

<Doo Mah>

 

[alley]
Welsh: [kneeling over a body]  Who called it in?
Huey: One of the broken nose guys in the bar found him when he came out to get his car.
Welsh: Do we have cause of death?
Dr. Pearson: Judging from the hole in his back I’m ruling out asphyxiation.
Ray: All right, they all tell the same story. They were playing cards, Frankie was up. He stepped out. He never came back. They figured he went home a winner.
Welsh: Who do we like for this?
Ray: It’s gotta be Eddie Beets.
Huey: No, Eddie’s a soldier. This took too much initiative.
Ray: Word is Eddie’s been getting itchy talking Frankie down. Money says somebody was putting big thoughts in Eddie’s head.
Gardino: Eddie didn’t have the brains for big thoughts.
Ray: You got the list, you don’t need a brain.
Gardino: That list is a fairy tale.
Ray: Frankie’s a very hands-on kind of guy. He kept a very meticulous record of every distributor and dealer he ever knew. You own Frankie’s list, you own the entire west side.
Gardino: We checked the body.  There is no list.
Welsh: All right, everybody’s on this.
Ray: Aw, come on! I don’t want to work with Screwy and Louie.
Welsh: Half the city is up for grabs right now. Nobody sleeps. You find me the doer and you find me the list.
Ray: [answering phone]  Vecchio...Fraser, I’m sorta busy right now.
Welsh: Are you otherwise occupied, Detective?
Ray: Uh, no sir.
Welsh: Good. [to Dr. Pearson]  Ready to go?
Dr. Pearson: You think we can still make it?
Welsh: Absolutely.
Dr. Pearson: You sure? I thought the curtain was at seven.
Welsh: We’ll take my car. I have a flashing light on top. I’ll sing the opening aria on the way. [she laughs and they exit]
Ray: This better be an emergency.

[formal function; Fraser is waiting impatiently.  Music: ‘Neon Blue’ by Holly Cole Trio]
Fraser: Oh, thank goodness.
Ray: [hands Fraser a paper bag]  Okay, I got it. I don’t know what’s in there, I didn’t look. I know how you are about your stuff but this better be important.
Fraser: I can’t thank you enough, Ray.
Ray: So, what’s the emergency?
Fraser: Well, I’ve been assigned to escort the daughter of Canada’s senior trade negotiator.
Ray: The one in the green dress dancing with the doofus?
Fraser: He’s the American ambassador’s son.
Ray: Looks like a very painful experience.
Fraser: Well, dancing with the Americans often is, Ray. Speaking politically of course, not personally.
Ray: Yeah, right. So what was the emergency?
Fraser: You’ll never believe this, but I didn’t realize that this was a formal event.  [has taken off his belts, put them into the paper bag and now takes out sash and gloves]
Ray: You got me off the biggest case of my career to bring you a pair of gloves?
Fraser: And I can’t thank you enough, Ray.
Ray: I’m supposed to be on a stakeout right now. I gotta tip where I can find Eddie Beets, a guy suspected of offing his boss and trying to take over the entire west side, and I’m delivering formal accessories?
Fraser: Well, if it wasn’t urgently important I wouldn’t have called you. You’ll never know how much this means to me, Ray.
Ray: You’re right, I won’t. Uh-oh. I know that look. This guy’s going to want to see my ticket. I’m out of here.
Fraser: Thanks Ray. Oh, uh, Ray, could you um... [hands him the paper bag]
Ray: [as he exits]  I gotta find new friends.
Mr. Nichols: Your boss at the consulate said I couldn’t miss you. He was right.
Fraser: Constable Fraser, sir, pleased to meet you.
Mr. Nichols: Pleased to meet you. Well, it shouldn’t be too tough an assignment, eh Constable?
Fraser: I’ll take good care of your daughter, sir.
Mr. Nichols: I wish I had more time to take her around myself. Her mother used to take care of her on these trips. It’s been two years, I still haven’t gotten the hang of it. I guess I’m not much of a substitute. Can I get you anything?
Fraser: Thank you, no, sir. I’m on duty.
Mr. Nichols: So, are you up for it?
Fraser: Well, I’ve drawn up a short itinerary but it would be helpful if I have a-a better idea of her particular interests.
Mr. Nichols: Oh you know, a little sight-seeing, shopping. I gave her some money.  If she needs more, make me a call. Just make sure she has a good time and shows up at the ball tomorrow night. Isn’t she beautiful? ...Well, duty calls.  I have to get these Americans to sell less and buy more.
Fraser: I understand, sir.
Mr. Nichols: You, uh, take very good care of her. [shakes his hand and palms him money, then exits]
Fraser: I will. [finds money and is baffled]

Christina: So, you must be Chicago.
Fraser: Ah. Constable Fraser, ma’am. And I will be your escort until tomorrow night. Now I’ve given some thought to the itinerary, but not knowing your tastes--

Christina: Well, I’m sure whatever you picked will be just fine. I’ll be right back.

Fraser: Well I’ll just, uh. I’ll wait right here.
[she enters washroom]

Ambassador’s Son: She go in there?
Fraser: Yes.
Ambassador’s Son: So.
Fraser: So.
Ambassador’s Son: So, you, like, her boyfriend?
Fraser: Me? No.
Ambassador’s Son: She said she didn’t want to dance any more cause her boyfriend might get bent out of shape.
Fraser: Ah.
Ambassador’s Son: You seen him around here?
Fraser: Her boyfriend? No.
Ambassador’s Son: You think she was lying to me?
Fraser: The truth?
Ambassador’s Son: Yeah.
Fraser: Yes.
Ambassador’s Son: Women can be cold.
Fraser: You know, when I was your age, I couldn’t dance very well either.
Ambassador’s Son: Really?
Fraser: Really.
Ambassador’s Son: You like what, the valet?
Fraser: Something like that.
Ambassador’s Son: That’s cool.
Fraser: Well, thank you.
[woman exits washroom wearing scarf & sunglasses – it’s Christina!]
Fraser: Good evening, Miss.
Christina: It’s gonna be.
Ambassador’s Son: That was a babe.
Fraser: Well yes. Now that you mention it, she does look quite... She...excuse me.  [bursts into the ladies room... women protest]  Excuse me. I-I’m sorry. I’m just... I’m looking for a ...oh dear. [rushes out the main door]  Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Sorry.
Ambassador’s Son: You’ll never believe it, man. The valet’s a perv!

[street]
Taxi Driver (Jerome): Well, well, well, don’t we look pretty tonight?
Christina: Thank you. Drive.
Jerome: Where you want to go?
Christina: What’s the wildest club in town?
Jerome: The wildest club? No, no. No, no, you don’t want to go there.
Christina: Yes, I do. [hands him a bill]
Jerome: You’re gonna love the place.
[they drive off just as Fraser comes out]

Fraser: Uh, uh, Miss Nichols?!
Christina: See you, Chicago!
Fraser: Uh. I need a cab.
Doorman: Do you work here? [they’re both wearing bright red]

[taxi]
Jerome: So how come a pretty little thing like yourself is out all by her lonesome tonight?

Christina: Looking for some fun, uh, Jerome. Looking for some fun.

[another cab pulls beside them]
Fraser: In a hurry to see the sights are you? Well, I can understand that.
Jerome: You know this guy?
Christina: Go away! Just leave me alone!
Fraser: I can’t do that, you see, because I have the itinerary.
Jerome: What is he, some kind of nut?
Christina: Yes. Go faster.
Jerome: Hey I’m already going--
Christina: Lose him!

Jerome: All right.
[Christina’s cab pulls away]
Fraser: I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to break the speed limit.
Taxi Driver: How much?
Fraser: By as little as necessary.
Taxi Driver: How much money.
Fraser: Oh, uh. [pulls money out of his Stetson]  Here. [hands him a 50]
Taxi Driver: It’s red.
Fraser: It’s Canadian.
Taxi Driver: It’s got your picture on it.
Fraser: No, that’s the RCMP musical ride.
Taxi Driver: It’s not a good likeness at all.
Fraser: Well uh, here. [hands him an American 20]
Taxi Driver: Now this guy I know.
[Fraser cab pulls up to Christina’s again]
Fraser: I’m afraid there’s been some kind of misunderstanding.
Christina: Why are you doing this to me?
Fraser: Because I am your escort. Your father has entrusted you to my care.
Christina: My father doesn’t give a damn about me.
Fraser: Well now, that-that’s not true. As a matter of fact he gave me twenty dollars so I can take you someplace nice. Show it to her please. [cabbie holds up the bill]  You see?
Christina: I don’t need his money, and I don’t need a babysitter.
Jerome: Hey, I need his money.
Christina: Here. [hands him another bill]
Jerome: All right. We’re gone now. Hold on.
[Christina’s cab pulls away again]
Christina: Ha! Wooo!

Taxi Driver: I need more, too.
Fraser: Well, all I have left is Canadian.
Taxi Driver: Fine, then I’ll drive thirty percent slower.
Fraser: All right. Just keep it steady. Hold this, would you? [his Stetson]
Taxi Driver: Hey what-what the hell are you doing? 

[Fraser is climbing out of the window onto the roof]
Fraser: Thank you! [retrieves his hat]
[he leaps onto the roof of Christina’s taxi and hangs his head over]
Fraser: Would you consider discussing this over coffee?
Jerome: This man is seriously crazy!
Christina: Go away!
Fraser: You’re being a bit childish.
Christina: Childish? I just turned sixteen years old. Do you know what my father gave me for my birthday? A porcelain doll.
Fraser: How nice.
Christina: Do I look like I play with dolls?
Jerome: Huh-uh. You look very fine.
Christina: Thank you.
Fraser: You know, you really should take this up with your father, because I’m sure he’d understand that you have very valid concerns.
Christina: You want to hear my concerns, Chicago?
Fraser: Well, I’m not sure this is the most appropriate venue.
Jerome: Well, I want to hear them.
Christina: Okay. Here’s one. When do I get my own life? When do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to stop being the perfect little princess and go...skinny-dipping?
Jerome: Public pool, coming up.
Fraser: You, keep driving.
Christina: I want to go out all night and come home when the sun comes up, and I want to fall in love with somebody I just met and I want to kiss someone who’s not related to me.
Jerome: I could pull over right here.
Fraser: Keep driving.
Christina: I want to do all these things I’ve never done before, and I want to do them tonight.
Fraser: Well, you know there is the most fantastic exhibit at the uh-- [checks itinerary] --Museum of Science.
Christina: U-turn.

[they didn’t lose him, and he knocks on the window]
Fraser: The Textile Museum?
Christina: All right. I’ll make you a deal. We go one place I choose. Then I’ll go back to the hotel.
Fraser: Well no, I’m afraid I can’t agree to that.
Christina: All right, where’s the pool?
Fraser: One place and that’s it?
Christina: We got a deal, or you want to see my backstroke?
Fraser: All right, we got a deal.
Jerome: Here we are.
Fraser: Ohhhh dear.

[Jerome stops suddenly... Fraser rolls off taking the taxi sign with him, and stands up, as though he meant to do that; his hat is in still in the road...]
Fraser: Let me get that. [opens her door; she heads for the line of people streaming into the club]
Jerome: Man, you’re one freaky red dude, you know that? You’re gonna really fit into that place.

[cab pulls away, driving right over the Stetson of Invulnerability; Fraser pops it back into place and goes to the front door, just as an S&M couple leaves]
Fraser: Ah! A costume party, is it? Well, sounds like good clean fun.

[unmarked police car; Gardino, Huey, and Ray stakeout the club]
Gardino: [into CB]  Unit five in position.
Voice 1: Unit four in position.
Voice 2: Unit two in position.
Ray: [into CB]  Nobody moves ‘til I give the word.

[Gardino is smoking like a chimney]
Huey: [into CB]  There’s no sign of Beets.
Ray: How can you see anything. I can’t even see the hand in front of my face.
Huey: I hope we’re not wasting our time.
Gardino: My source says he’ll be here, he’ll be here.
Ray: Yeah, the only problem is, he’ll be dead by then from secondhand smoke. Oh, yeah, that’s it, light up another one!  God forbid you should consider somebody else’s lungs. [to Huey]  How do you put up with this guy? [Huey lights up a cigar]  Oh great.

[inside the club; everyone is wearing some sort of costume, most have masks.  Music: ‘Butterfly Wings’ by Machines of Loving Grace]
Fraser: [to couple as he passes]  Good evening.
Leather Guy: I’ve been bad. I’ve been very bad. Please punish me.
Fraser: There’s nothing so bad that it can’t be forgiven, son.

[bar]
Christina: Long Island Iced Tea. Keep ‘em coming.
Bartender: How old are you?
Christina: How old do I look? [hands him a bill]
Bartender: Just the right age.

[walking through the crowd]
Fraser: Excuse me.  Bon jour, monsieur, ça va?  [finds Christina at the bar]  Here you are. [to the transvestite man in a sailor hat]  Hello, ma’am. [she winks at him]  Thank you.  [tastes Christina’s drink] 

Fraser: [to bartender]  I’m afraid there’s been a mistake. There’s liquor in this. Quite a large quantity too.

[bartender serves another one]
Christina: Cheers.
Fraser: No, no. I don’t think so.
Christina: You’re such a drag.

[she gets up, he goes to follow, ‘twin’ girls block his path]
Fraser: Would you uh... [hands them the drinks]
Twins: Anytime.
[Christina goes into the ladies room, looking for an escape; she passes Janice (in bright pink wig) lighting a cigarette with a match from the matchbook; Fraser is looking around the club and finds another ‘Mountie’]
Fraser: Ah. Have you seen a... [realizes this ‘Mountie’ is wearing leather]  Oh. Oh.

 

[doorway]
Eddie: Look what you did to me!  Look what you did to my eye!  Not smart. You are one stupid girl. Tell me something. What are you planning to do with it, huh?
Janice: What do you want, Eddie, hmm?
Eddie: You don’t take from me. No. [kisses her]  Nobody ever takes from me.
Janice: I’m a giver, Eddie.

[she breaks a bottle over his head then goes into the ladies room looking for an exit but no luck; searches wildly through her purse]

Christina: [offers lipstick]  Wanna borrow mine?

Janice:  No, thanks.  Thanks anyway.

[Eddie bursts in]

Janice: Eddie!
Eddie: Get out! [ushers out all the women]
Janice: Eddie! [slips the matchbook into Christina’s purse]  You stay away from me, you son of a bitch!

[she locks herself in a stall; Christina grabs her own purse & escapes]
Eddie: You’re dead, Janice. You know how long you have to live? Start counting, honey.
[Christina tries to get out of the club (dropping her purse), but her way is blocked]

Christina: Chicago!

[Meanwhile, Eddie is trying to kick down the stall door]
Eddie: Come on, Janice!

[Janice slips out underneath, and Eddie gives chase]
Janice: Move it!
Leather Mountie: [into his sleeve]  Something’s going down.
Ray: Let’s go!
Gardino: [into CB]  We’re moving in.
[they get out of their car (in a cloud of smoke) and move toward the club]

 

[Meanwhile, Eddie & Janice get into a scuffle; Christina recovers her purse]
Eddie: [with knife in hand and Janice in the other]  You used to have such a pretty face. [Fraser disarms him & throws him to the floor; Janice escapes]
Fraser: Would anyone here happen to have a pair of handcuffs? [everyone offers]  Thank you.

[Fraser secures Eddie to a pole]

Fraser: [to Christina]  Now let’s get you out of here.
Ray: This is a raid! Nobody move! This is a raid!
Fraser: Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
Leather Mountie: Freeze, Red, you’re under arrest.
Ray: Who you got?
Fraser: Hello, Ray.
Ray: Fraser!
[Eddie escapes in the confusion]

[outside, in front of the bar; people lined up to get into the paddy wagon]

Fraser: Ray! Ray. There’s a very simple explanation for all of this.
Ray: Don’t talk to me, all right? I don’t even know you.
Leather Guy: These aren’t tight enough.
Ray: Just get in there, all right? Get out of my face! [shoves Leather Guy]
Leather Maid: Ow!
Fraser: After you ma’am. No, please, after you. [letting everyone get in the paddy wagon ahead of him]

[alley behind the club; Eddie surprises Janice & pulls off her wig]
Eddie: I’m beginning to reassess our relationship. [threatens her with knife]
Janice: Please. Please. Don’t. Don’t, Eddie. Eddie!
Eddie: Where are the matches, honey?
Janice: I dropped ‘em.  Please don’t.
Eddie: You lied to me.
Janice: No.
Eddie: You never used to lie to me.
Janice: I swear I dropped ‘em. She has ‘em. The girl.
Eddie: Show me.
Janice: That one. Her. [points to Christina]

Eddie: The little one.
Janice: Uh-huh.

 

[front of bar]
Fraser: After you, ma’am. After you, sir. After you.
Ray: Will you get in the truck?! Just get in there, okay?
Fraser: I’m sorry, Ray. After you. Hello, everyone. How are you?

[27^th precinct]
Gardino: Name?
Dominatrix: Madame DeFarge.
Gardino: [typing]  D-A-F-A-
Huey: Louis! [shakes head no]
Gardino: Name.
Dominatrix: Marat Sade.

Gardino: [typing]  M-A-R-A-

Leather Guy: You sure we haven’t met somewhere before?
Huey: I’m sure.
Leather Guy: Because you look very familiar.
Huey: I need you to look at this picture and tell me if you saw this man at the club.
Welsh: Gentlemen. Would you join me?

 

[Welsh’s office] 

Welsh: So you have no idea if Eddie Beets was even at the club.
Gardino: We were working on a tip from a very reliable source, sir.
Huey: We’re squeezing the patrons, sir, but most of them won’t even give us their real names.
Gardino: Sir, this club is a very well-known hangout for the people who run in these circles. If there is a list, which I sincerely doubt, and a person wanted to sell it or parlay it, this is the place they’d go.
Welsh: So you’re telling me these are all underworld figures we have out here?
Gardino: Well they’re mostly hangers-on and wanna-bes, sir.
Huey: This was a very reliable source, sir.
Gardino: Very reliable.
Welsh: Look, Detective, let’s say the list exists. If Eddie Beets has it, he controls everything coming into the west side. Now Detective Gardino, if you had just seized control of the entire west side, would your first act be to go dance in leather underwear?
Ray: Perhaps Detective Gardino’s the wrong person to ask, sir.
Welsh: Did you search Beets’s apartment?
Huey: Yes, sir.
Gardino: Yeah, head to toe. There’s no list.
Welsh: Good. Do it again.
Gardino: What? Are you serious?
Welsh: And get these perverts out of my squad room.
[exit Huey & Gardino]
Ray: Uh, a moment of your time, sir, of a personal nature.
Welsh: If this has to do with people smoking in the men’s room, I don’t want to hear it.
Ray: It’s a little more delicate than that, sir. You see, I have this friend who, through unfortunate set of circumstances, happened to be in the club at the time of the raid.
Welsh: And you want to bounce him. [Vecchio nods]  May I ask who this friend is?

[they go to the window & peek through the blinds... Fraser waves – he’s handcuffed to Christina]  

Welsh: Really.
Ray: Ah, yes, sir.
Welsh: Who’s the girl with him?
Ray: The daughter of a Canadian diplomat.
Welsh: No kidding.
[knock knock knock]
Mr. Nichols: I’m looking for Lieutenant Welsh.

[down the precinct stairs]
Mr. Nichols: You have no idea, do you. You have no idea what could have happened to you. [he puts his suit jacket around her shoulders]
Christina: I’m okay, Dad.
Mr. Nichols: You’re okay. Then why did I leave the American commercial attaché sitting in a restaurant to come down to a police department to get you out? I’m surprised the damn press isn’t here yet.
Fraser: Excuse me, Mr. Nichols.
Mr. Nichols: If I have anything to say to you, Constable, you’ll hear it from your supervising officer after he hears it from his commanding officer. And trust me, he will hear.
Fraser: This is a copy of my report, sir, stating that my gross negligence endangered the security of your daughter.
Mr. Nichols: You’re damn right it did.
Fraser: Miss Nichols just wanted to see some of the city’s night life. If I’d done my homework, I would have known that club was completely inappropriate, and I never would have taken her there.
Mr. Nichols: So this was your idea.
Fraser: I’m truly sorry for the anxiety this must have caused you, sir.
Mr. Nichols: Caused me? What about her? My daughter is fifteen years old. My god, man, did you see the people in there?
Christina: I’m sixteen. I turned sixteen 2 months ago, Daddy.
Mr. Nichols: I know, sweetie, I know. It’s just that my mind has been filled with so much junk from these trade talks. I come here. I find you... I mean...what would your mother say if she saw you in these clothes?
Christina: [to Fraser]  Can you take me back to the hotel, please?
Mr. Nichols: I’ll take you. I just have to make a phone call. I don’t even know the number.  The poor man is sitting in the restaurant.
Christina: I can take a cab.
Mr. Nichols: We’ll just be there for a few minutes.
Christina: I’m not a child. I have taken a cab before.
Fraser: I’ll make sure that she gets home, sir.
Mr. Nichols: I can trust you to do that?
Fraser: You have my word.
Mr. Nichols: Okay. You okay? I’ll see you at the ball, all right?  We’ll talk.  [goes to leave]  Damn. Honey I, um, need my jacket. Love you. [kisses her on the forehead]
Mr. Nichols: Make sure.
Fraser: I will, sir.
[Mr. Nichols exits]

Christina: Thanks a lot!
Fraser: I’m sorry?
Christina: Why didn’t you tell him it was my idea?

Fraser: Well, I-I was just trying to--
Christina: Protect me. I am so sick of everyone trying to protect me from living my life. [stalks off]

Fraser: [to transvestite Leather Maid]  Excuse me, ma’am.

[hotel]
Christina: You’re walking me right to my door?
Fraser: Well, I promised your father I’d see you home safely.
Christina: Ah, and I bet you always do everything you’re told to do, right?

Fraser: Actually, no.
Christina: Really?  Well, I do. I always do everything I’m told to do.
Fraser: You don’t seem very happy about that.
Christina: Like I have a choice.
Fraser: You know, Christina, you may not believe this, but whether you’re sixteen or sixty, no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. Ultimately, no matter what the situation, the choice is always in your hands. You just think it isn’t.
Christina: Okay, maybe you’re right. It’s time I made a decision. Here it is. You know that ball my father really wants me to go to tomorrow night?
Fraser: Mm-hmm.
Christina: I’m not going.
Fraser: Well there. A decision. Now. As to tonight?
Christina: Don’t worry about it, I’m not going anywhere.
Fraser: You’ll be all right by yourself?
Christina: I’ve been left in hotel rooms all over the world, Chicago. It’s the one thing I know how to do. [opens door]  Goodnight.

[hotel room; maid doing her duties]
Mrs. McGuffin: I’ll be finished in a wink, darling.
Christina: Oh, no trouble.

[she dumps out purse; the matchbook (stuck to Kleenex) falls to floor]
Mrs. McGuffin: Goodnight then.
Christina: Goodnight.

[Christina goes into bedroom. Mrs. McGuffin picks up and throws matchbook away... Fraser is hanging out in hallway, but finally gives it up and gets into elevator... a small boy has pushed many buttons]
Fraser: Ah. Thank you.
[elevator doors close & Christina gets into the next elevator... Mrs. McGuffin throws trash (containing the matches) down trash chute]
Housekeeper: Goodnight, Mrs. McGuffin.
Mrs. McGuffin: Goodnight, dearie.

[basement; janitor tosses trash in the incinerator, but matchbook has fallen out... he pockets the book, then changes his assignment board: Mac Guff In to Mac Guff Out]

[lobby; Christina leaves... Eddie sees her and follows]

 

[front of hotel; Fraser exits & acknowledges the red-coated doorman, then a passing double-decker tour bus catches his eye]
Fraser: Christina?

[gives chase on foot; janitor (now driving) almost runs into Fraser, who keeps running; the janitor sputters at dropping his lit cigarette, then throws the matches out his window & drives off]

[a little girl picks up the matchbook]
Mother: Okay, ready. Let’s go. Let mommy just open the door.

[Eddie’s apartment]
Gardino: Hey, you see this guy’s bathroom? He’s got a marble toilet seat.
Huey: Italian marble, huh? For a psycho, Eddie’s got good taste.
Gardino: Yeah, but in the winter, isn’t it a bit cold?
Ray: Oh hello, boys. Ain’t it past your bedtime?
Huey: There’s no list, Vecchio. You wasted my evening.
Gardino: Yeah, you wasted our evening.
Ray: Well, I don’t think I wasted your entire evening. I mean, Chucky Cheese is open ‘til midnight, isn’t it?
[Duck Boys exit and Vecchio searches around... Janice shows up & Vecchio hides... she loads her purse with jewelry, then tests a tie clasp with her teeth & puts it back]
Ray: Mistake. That was platinum. [holds his gun on her]
Janice: Oh really. So how much was it worth?
Ray: About six months.
Janice: Hey, come on. I’m his sister.
Ray: Dump it out. Come on, empty it. [she does]  Sister, huh?
Janice: Okay, I’m not his sister. I’m his housekeeper.
Ray: You’ve done a fine job of tidying up.
Janice: Thank you.
Ray: Got a license, Hazel?
Janice: Oh god, you know what? I left it in my apron.
Ray: I hate when that happens. Get it out.

[she throws him a wallet, off-balancing him, then hits him in the head with a bottle, grabs the jewelry, steals his watch, and leaves]

[tour bus; Fraser is still chasing it on foot]
Tour Bus Guide: [droning]  Coming up on your left, Chicago’s famous Water Tower. Built in 1869 and one of the only buildings to survive the great fire of 1871 which destroyed four square miles of Chicago killing over three hundred and leaving ninety thousand homeless...  [Fraser chasing]  ...continue southwards now, towards Grant Park. If you look quickly to your right you might catch a glimpse of the State of Illinois Center...
Christina: What are you looking for?
Cute Tourist: [heavily accented]  Uh…the, uh…Tower…uh, Water?
Christina: Oh, we just passed the…Tower Water.
Cute Tourist: You are from…?
Christina: Chicago, born and raised.
Cute Tourist: Chicago is, um, my kind of town.

[Fraser still chasing]
Christina: Do you need some help?
Cute Tourist: Yeah. Would you, uh…?
Christina: Yeah!
[Fraser leaps over men working]

Christina: Oh, look!

Cute Tourist: What is it?

Christina: The moon.

Cute Tourist: Moon?  [looks down at manual]  Is not in book.

Christina: No, look. [points out the window]

[Eddie Beets is watching them from a back seat]

[Fraser finally reaches the tour bus, and leaps on, to the delight of the Japanese tourists who take his picture, but the flash bulbs blind him & he falls off; a large truck bears down on him, and there is a *thunk*... Fraser emerges from the grill]
Fraser: Could you follow that bus, please? Thank you.

[tour bus]

Christina: You want to hear something funny? I thought I was going to meet someone like you tonight.
Cute Tourist: Latvian?
Christina: [pause]  Yeah.
Cute Tourist: Is it so?
Tour Bus Guide: Thank you for traveling with Windy City Tours.
Cute Tourist: It was uh, very nice to meet you. I must go.

Christina: You, too.

[leaves the bus, then Christina, then Eddie... the bus takes off again, and Fraser leaps onto it... he doesn’t see Christina, so he climbs to the roof, past a couple making out]
Fraser: Please continue.

[he searches the bus, but realizes he’s too late]

 

[car]
Mother: Don’t put those in your mouth, honey. [tosses matchbook out the window]  Where’d you get those? Huh?

[A young man steps on it (it sticks to his shoe) and walks right past Christina... he goes into the department store... So does Christina...and Eddie]

 

[tour bus; Fraser on the top]
Fraser: Christina!

 

[“To Be Continued”]

 

 

Part 2

 

[department store; Christina looking at jewelry, Eddie looking at her. Music: ‘New World Comin’ by Dawn Aitkin and Jack Lenz]

 

[street; Fraser sees a girl that looks like Christina]
Fraser: Excuse me. Oh. Oh, I’m sorry.

[department store; Christina sees girls shoplift a pair of earrings... then she puts a pair into her own bag... turns to flee, and runs right into Fraser]
Fraser: Hello.
Christina: What, are you following me?
Fraser: I think they’re too expensive.
Christina: What?
Fraser: Those earrings you were thinking about.
Christina: How would you know?
Fraser: Well I wouldn’t, but I just noticed that those two girls decided not to buy them so I guess they thought they cost too much. I’m not sure he would agree, though. [indicates the security guard]  I have a feeling he’s interested in them, because he’s been watching those two girls very closely. As a matter of fact, I think he’s going to ask them.
Christina: Ask them what?
Fraser: If they’re worth the price.
Christina: I thought I had to make these decisions for myself.
Fraser: And so you do. Will you excuse me?  I saw something over there that Diefenbaker might like.

Fraser: [to sales clerk]  Excuse me, I’m looking for something unusual for my wolf. [he’s at the lingerie counter!]

 

[the matchbook ends up on the floor, and a long-haired guy picks it up, and goes to light a cigarette]

[meanwhile, Christina puts the earrings back onto the counter, as the security guard walks by]

Fraser: Aren’t you just... I-I didn’t think, um....
Clerk: [showing him a bra]  Too small?
[Christina knocks over a display]

Fraser: Oh dear.
Christina: I’m really sorry!
Fraser: It’s all right. I’ll just quickly grab some of these things.
Clerk: Let me help you.

[the clerk knocks over another display, and Christina escapes]
Fraser: Oh, uh…Chris--oh dear...um... Will you excuse me? [exits]
Clerk: Uh, yeah. [very disappointed at his departure]

 

[Shoplifting girls are looking around furtively, headed toward the doors after the long-haired guy]
Security Guard: Stop right there! [the girls freeze... the guard passes them and accosts the guy]  No smoking in the store. [grabs the matchbook and holds the door open for the shoplifting girls]  Goodnight, ladies.
Fraser: Excuse me, you wouldn’t have seen a.... [spots Christina and exits]

[Security guard puts the matches into his pocket; reflection of his nametag reads: “M.C.Guffin, Store Security”]

 

[Christina gets into an elevator; Eddie grabs her hair and she screams]
Eddie: Give it to me!

[doors shut just before Fraser gets on]
Christina: Leave me alone! Stop it!
Eddie: Shut up!  [grabs her purse & pushes her to the floor]
[Fraser rushes up the (very crowded) escalator]
Fraser: Excuse me, sir. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me, ma’am.

[Eddie searches through her purse as she cowers]
Fraser: Pardon me....
[Eddie comes up empty; the elevator doors open and Eddie sees Fraser barreling toward them – he quickly presses the button and the doors shut in Fraser’s face]

Eddie: [very frustrated]  Okay, get up!
Christina: Stop it!  Help!
Eddie: Where the hell is it? [threatens her with a knife]
Fraser: Excuse me please…

[sees escalator is under construction, grabs a display toboggan, and careens headlong down it – right toward the security guard, who jumps up to avoid him, and Fraser goes crashing into a display]
Eddie: What have you done with it?!

[elevator opens, distracting him; she scratches him and runs... he grabs her hotel key (forgotten on the floor) and gives chase... Eddie catches her, sees Fraser, and dumps her over the rail, where she hangs onto the edge... Fraser leaps over the edge himself, onto an up escalator (working), letting Eddie get away]

Christina: Ahh!  Chicago!!

[Fraser pulls her up as the crowd cheers]

[meanwhile, Eddie leaves peacefully, even holding the door open for an entering customer]

Lady: Thank you.

[hotel corridor]
Ray: [dabbing at the back of his head with a handkerchief]  All I’m saying is, it makes me look like an idiot. Here I am, looking all over town for Eddie Beets and the whole time you know where he is.
Fraser: What’s wrong with your head, Ray?

Ray: There’s nothing wrong with my head. Just tell me about Beets.
Fraser: He didn’t say anything else to you on the elevator, he just took your purse?
Christina: If he told me what he wanted, I would have given it to him. I’m not stupid.  [searches]  I can’t find my key. Did you see it in the car?
Mrs. McGuffin: I’ll get it for you, dearie.
Fraser: Well, thank you kindly, ma’am.

 

[Christina’s room]

Fraser: You’re sure this is the purse you had at the club?
Christina: Yes.
Ray: [looks through purse] You didn’t see anything that looked like a list? You know, something small, like a black book or a computer disk?
Christina: I dumped everything out right there. If it’s not there, I don’t have it.

[bedroom]
Machine: You have one new message. <beep>
Mr. Nichols: [voice]  Hi Christina, it’s Dad. I guess you’re asleep. I knocked on your door before but you didn’t answer. Anyway, get your rest, we have a big event tomorrow night! I think the ambassador’s son has really taken a shine to you. Love you. <beep>
[knock knock]

Fraser: I don’t suppose there was pockets in that dress that you... [sees she’s wearing only a robe]  Oh, I’m-I’m sorry.
Christina: Here. [throws her dress at him]  Check it all you want. There’s no little black book, no list, nothing. You know, I really wish everybody would stop making such a big deal about this. Maybe he just has a thing for purses. How am I supposed to know? [Eddie is hiding in the closet]  Look, I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t know if this Eddie guy did want something from me or if he didn’t. The point is he didn’t get anything because I didn’t have anything to give him. He has no reason to come after me again.
Fraser: Still. Just to be safe.
Christina: Oh, Chicago! I’ve spent my whole life being safe. For once in my life I want to do what I want to do. And what I want to do right now is go to sleep.  [goes to other door, now fully dressed, and Fraser is waiting for her]
Christina: This is really unfair.

[27^th precinct]
Elaine: You know, I could have been out on a date when you called. [Vecchio scoffs]  I do have a life you know.
Fraser: We appreciate you coming in, Elaine.
Ray: Did they photograph everyone we brought in?
Elaine: Booked and released. I can’t believe you actually charged those people.
Ray: Gotta maintain the public morals, Elaine.
Fraser: You still think the club is the connection?
Ray: Yeah. Somehow Miss Muffet here got a hold of something Eddie wants. The only place they could have crossed paths is at the club.
Elaine: If Eddie was in there, I think someone would have noticed.
Ray: It’s not him I’m looking for. I’m looking for his sister. I caught her snagging jewelry from his apartment. If she was ripping him off then, she probably ripped him off before.
Elaine: Nice family.
Ray: Yeah. She also claims to be his housekeeper, but I have reason to doubt her credentials. Not here. [shuts mug book]

[Elaine does a computer composite sketch]

Ray: The jaw was smaller.
Elaine: Someone asked me out. This man has been after me for months.  But I said no, I want to get my sleep. Next time I’m going to say yes. I mean, you can’t keep someone waiting forever, now can you?

[all eyes turn to Fraser]
Fraser: Well, no. That would be unfair.
Ray: [aside]  You want to concentrate here, Elaine? Every sketch you do looks like Fraser in drag.
Christina: You know, Chicago, I am having such a great time.  You really should consider doing this tour thing professionally. 

[Fraser is sketching with his eyes closed; finishes and shows her]
Christina: That’s the woman from the bathroom.
Ray: [seeing Elaine’s computer drawing]  That’s her! All she needs is a name, and this little piggy does hard time.

[Riv]
Ray: Yeah, and if she’s Eddie’s sister, I’m starting to understand how he grew up to be a psychopath.
Fraser: You know, I could be wrong, Ray, but I sense something very personal in your motivation.
Ray: Nothing personal, Fraser, she’s just the kind of woman I’d like to see spend the rest of her life behind bars.
Fraser: Do you have the time, Ray?
Ray: No.
Fraser: Weren’t you wearing a watch earlier?
Ray: No!

[outdoor café (we see only feet)]
Security Guard: So. I jump onto a toboggan, sail down the escalator, and save the girl’s life!
Date: Wow. I never realized department store security could be so--
[table wobbles]

Security Guard: Let me fix this.

[places matchbook underneath the wobbly leg]

[S&M club]
Ray: [through a bull horn]  All right, we’re back! This is a raid!

[all applaud]
Ray: Shut up, stop clapping, and get up against the bar!

Fraser: And this is for your own good. [handcuffs Christina to a steel pole; to woman]  Oh, uh, thank you for the loan.
Cuff Lady: Anything else you need, just ask.

[music has stopped, and Fraser walks down the line greeting people]
Fraser: Hello, nice to see you again... Beautiful stitching. How’ve you been?

Ray: Okay, we need some information. You’re all grownups here.  You know how this works. We can either do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way.
Leather Guy: The hard way, do it the hard way!
Ray: Shut up!  Now, I don’t want to drag everybody downtown. I don’t want to have to get rough.
Leather Guy: Get rough! Get rough!
Ray: Will you stop that?!

Madame DeFarge: Like to see him try that with me.
Ray: I said shut up!
Leather Guy: He’s all talk and no action.
Fraser: Look, I’m not gonna warn you again.
Leather Guy: See? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Madame DeFarge: It’s pathetic.
Ray: All right, Miss Naugahyde, you and me outside.
Madame DeFarge: Touch me and I sue you blind.
Ray: Call your attorney.
Madame DeFarge: I am an attorney. Half the people here are attorneys.
Leather Guy: I’m a dentist.
Ray: Oh yeah, big surprise.
Fraser: Ray, Ray. Could I have a word with you? [aside]  I think if we were to be nice to these people, then they would cooperate.

Ray: Nice? You cannot be nice to these people!

Cuff Lady: Are those real?
Christina: Uh, yeah. Oh this? [her necklace]  Yeah.
Cuff Lady: So how much are they worth? [shows her the handcuffs key]

Fraser: What I mean, Ray, is if you treat people with respect, more often than not they’ll respond accordingly.
Ray: You know, there’s a certain point where you gotta stop calling yourself a cop.
Bartender: He’s right, you know.
Ray: What do you know?
Bartender: I know that people are people, no matter how much leather they wear.
Ray: Oh please. I’m gonna go throw up someplace.
Fraser: It’s at least worth a try, isn’t it?
Ray: [sighs]  All right. [to Madame]  I am asking you for your help.
Madame DeFarge: Eat glass.
Ray: All right, that’s it!
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray.
Ray: I’m talking to you, one human being to another.
Madame DeFarge: You have a very high opinion of yourself.
Fraser: Madame DeFarge, Detective Vecchio and I are on the trail of a particularly brutal killer and we’d be most appreciative of any assistance you could give us.
Madame DeFarge: Make him say please.
Fraser: Ray.
Ray: I’m not gonna say it.
Fraser: Ray.
Ray: No.
Fraser: Ray.
Ray: No.
Fraser: Ray.
Ray: [through gritted teeth]  Please.
Madame DeFarge: Pretty please.
Ray: That’s it!
Fraser: You know, he really is trying his very best.
Madame DeFarge: All right. All right, show me the photograph. [he does]  Janice DeLuca.
Ray: Where does she live?
Madame DeFarge: With her grandmother.
Fraser: We appreciate your assistance and I would just like to thank ev--

[sees Cuff Lady dressed in Christina’s clothes... Christina is gone again – running down the alley in Cuff Lady’s 4” heels... she runs straight into Fraser]
Fraser: You really have to stop doing this. You know, I ran away once when I was your age.
Christina: Tell me another one.
Fraser: No, I did. In my case it was different. I thought I’d done something that no one could forgive. It didn’t take long for my father to find me. But you know, instead of lecturing me, he offered me some food and some money. He said I could keep running if I wanted to but that I would always feel ashamed. On the other hand, if I went back and faced the consequences, I would be a man, and everyone would know it without me having to tell them.
Christina: So what happened?
Fraser: Oh, I took the money and ran. [laughs]  No. I went back, but it wasn’t easy. Of course, my situation was different from yours. I was running away from my problems, not at all like you.
Christina: What were you running away from?
Fraser: Oh, it was a very tortured scenario. It involved a gold mine, a boomerang and a tank full of gasoline. It’s all ancient history, though.

[Riv]
Elaine: [voice]  Eddie was booked three months ago, but the charges wouldn’t stick. Meantime he had someone come bail him out in the middle of the night. You want a name?
Ray: Janice DeLuca?
Elaine: Huh.  If you knew, why did you ask?
Ray: What’s in her jacket?
Elaine: Uh, priors for possession and assault. Hmmm, I bet you didn’t know this.
Ray: Try me.
Elaine: She’s Frank Colebri’s girlfriend. At least she was until he took a knife in the back last night.
Ray: And she bailed out Eddie in the middle of the night? Sounds very cozy.
Fraser: Do you have an address, Elaine?
Elaine: Yeah. 3-6-7 North Winchester near Chicago Avenue.
Fraser: Thank you kindly.

[Riv does a u-turn and speeds the other way]

[outdoor café]
Date: Well, maybe just for a coffee. [exits with the Security Guard]
Woman: [voice] Oh, the candle went out.
Man: [voice]  I’ll get it. [takes matchbook from under the table leg & lights his candle]
Woman: I love candles. They’re so...hot.

[Janice’s apartment; she’s packed and leaving]
Eddie: It’s not enough you take everything I own, you gotta break my heart, too!
Janice: Eddie. Listen, we can work this out, okay?
Eddie: The girl don’t have it, Janice. Which means you do!
Janice: No, Eddie, I swear to God I put it in her purse. In the bathroom. [grabs a wine bottle]
Eddie: Yeah. You know what I think, honey?

[wrestles bottle from her hand – third time’s not a charm] 

Eddie: I think…that I’m gonna enjoy this!

Janice: Eddie!  Stop it!!

[glass breaking]

[the apartment has been ransacked; Vecchio, Fraser, and Christina arrive]

Ray: Well, it looks like the Three Little Bears got here before we did.
Fraser: Stay here.

[they move into the room, looking around]

Fraser: Stay by the door.

[comes back to see Christina about to snoop]

Fraser: I said, don’t move.
Christina: All right! [she sees a stiletto on the stairs]

[upstairs; Eddie has hand over Janice’s mouth and a knife at her throat]

[meanwhile, Christina decides to go upstairs to find the other shoe... she does and tries them on]

 

[downstairs; Vecchio sees the broken fishbowl]
Ray: How long can a fish live in that much water?
Fraser: [light dawning]  He’s still here.  Christina!

[Eddie locks the door and Janice bites his hand; he shoves her away, crashing into a table... Fraser tries to kick in the door, then goes out the window... Vecchio shoots the lock... Christina hits Eddie, knocking him onto Janice]
Janice: Oh my God. You killed him!
Christina: I what?!
Janice: He’s dead. You killed him!

[Christina flees to the streets... Janice rolls Eddie off – she’s stabbed him... she takes keys from his pocket]

Janice: Bye-bye.  [exits]

 

[Music: ‘Que Sera Sera’ by Holly Cole Trio. Christina runs... Janice runs... Fraser crashes through the skylight, Vecchio crashes through door; they see Eddie is dead, and run out... Christina runs through the streets, realizes she’s way out of her league]

 

[street]
Christina: Can you help me please? Please?
Hooker: Why don’t you get your own tricks, honey? [pushes her away]
Man: Need help, darling? Why don’t you come with Thomas?
Christina: No! [her arm is grabbed]  Chicago--
Janice: I don’t think you want to be out here on your own. Okay?

[another street]
Ray: Why the hell would she run?
Fraser: She’s afraid, Ray.
Ray: It doesn’t make any sense.
Fraser: Fear never does.

[street]
Janice: [searching through Christina’s purse]  You don’t have any Kleenex.
Christina: That’s okay. God, is he really dead?
Janice: Yeah. Look, Eddie was a real son-of-a-bitch. He deserved worse. Being his girlfriend, I know this. Okay, look, you’ll go to the cops--
Christina: Oh my God. my father!
Janice: You’ll get a slick lawyer. I’m sure he can get you manslaughter.
Christina: No, he was trying to kill me! It was self-defense!
Janice: Did he have a knife out? Did he have a gun at your head?
Christina: No, but--
Janice: Did he have any sort of weapon at all?
Christina: No!
Janice: Well, then, honey - you can’t prove that he was going to do anything other than slap you around.
Christina: What are you talking about?
Janice: Okay, you kill a guy because he’s slapping you around, that’s manslaughter. Okay, look, why don’t you call your dad?
Christina: No, no, I can’t! I can’t.
Janice: Okay, okay, maybe it’ll be okay.
Christina: How?
Janice: One thing I know is the cops. Now if you give them something, they’ll give you something.
Christina: What do I have to give them?
Janice: Frankie’s list. The matchbook. You give them that, and I’ll bet you they’ll cut you a break.
Christina: Matchbook? This is all about some stupid matchbook?!
Janice: No, kid, this is about power. Whoever has that list can name their price. Now listen, do you know where it is? I mean, do you know anything? Come on, do you remember?
Christina: Kleenex. There was a matchbook in the Kleenex when I dumped out my purse at the hotel.
Janice: Well then we’re okay! Come on. Taxi!
Jerome: Hey, how you doing, young lady? You having a good time?
Ray: [spots the cab]  Heads up.
Jerome: [spots Fraser] Oh no, not again. [speeds away]
Fraser: Taxi!
Taxi Driver: [spots Fraser]  No way.

[picks up the ‘candle’ girl and the man with matchbook]
Man: The nearest hotel. Quickly.
Taxi Driver: You got a light? [man hands him the book, and he sees the “Smoking Kills”]  Jeez, I’ve got to cut down. Here. Thanks. [man takes the book back]

 

[Riv]
Ray: How do you know they’re going to the hotel?
Fraser: Because that’s where the list is.
Ray: We searched the entire room.
Fraser: If it was at the club, Janice would have gone back for it. Eddie was after the purse and Christina dumped the purse out in her hotel room. It’s the only place it could be.
Ray: It’s not there.
Fraser: Not now, but it was.  And if Eddie didn’t take it, and Janice didn’t take it, then somebody else must have taken it.
Ray: There’s no one else. We’re all out of bad guys.

[they take a corner, and a box of Kleenex scoots into Fraser’s vision]
Fraser: Tissues, Ray. She had tissues in her purse. She wiped her lipstick off with it when I walked her to her room. Where were the tissues?
Ray: We’re hunting tissues now?

[room]
Christina: Okay, I dumped my purse out right here. 

Janice: Mm-hmm.

Christina: [sighs]  It’s not here.

[Janice dumps Eddie’s keys on the table, and Christina picks them up]

[corridor; matchbook man & candle woman being escorted to their room]
Woman: [to bellhop]  Do you have any candles?

[room]
[Christina picks up the keys]

Christina: How did you get these?
Janice: [holds knife out]  Listen kid, I am losing my patience. Now where is it?! You got one chance to live. Come on!
Christina: The housekeeper. The housekeeper, she was cleaning my room!

Janice: Okay. Okay, come on.

[elevator; the same kid in the same elevator is pushing the same buttons]
Fraser: Ah.

[they hurry away]

[corridor]
Janice: Hey!
Housekeeper: What?
Janice: Where the hell does this go?
Housekeeper: What?!
Janice: The trash, where does it go?
Housekeeper: To the basement.
Janice: Come on. Move it!

Woman: [voice]  Thanks for the candle.
Mrs. McGuffin: No trouble at all.

[the matches are now in her trash cart]

 

[Fraser & Vecchio rush up the stairs (Vecchio taking just a wee bit longer) and end up in Christina’s room... Fraser looks in the trashcan]
Fraser: There’s nothing here. The housekeeper.
Ray: [finding Christina’s abandoned wig]  Hey, Fraser!

[corridor]

Fraser: Uh, where did they go?
Housekeeper: The basement?
Ray: Do the public elevators go down there?
Housekeeper: No, just this one.
Fraser: Ray-- [goes to trash chute]

Ray: No, we are eighteen floors up!
Fraser: Just hold your elbows out at the side; it’ll slow your descent. [leaps down chute]
Ray: *My* descent?!  Fraser, you cannot go down there without backup!  [to self]  Oh, the most annoying man in the world! [climbs up]

 

[a worker opens the chute door, and we see a streak of red fly by; he tries to put a very large box into the opening] 

 

[Vecchio plunges]
Ray: Ahhhh!!  [thud]  Oof!  [he’s landed on top of the box]  I’m stuck!!

[basement]
Christina: I can’t find them.
Janice: Well, just keep looking!
[Fraser comes flying out of chute & lands in trash heap]
Fraser: You are under arr-  Oh dear. [ducks; Janice fires her gun 6 times; she takes Christina and escapes... Fraser follows, and she shoots again 5 times]

[trash chute]
Ray: [to worker]  Pull it. Pull it. That’s my foot!! Pull it. Pull it!

[Mrs. McGuffin dumps trash – all over Vecchio’s head] 

Ray: Ah... Oh ho, jeez. Thank you very much!

[basement]

[Fraser rounds a corner and Janice kicks him in the gut, hits him with her gun; he kicks at her hand, and the gun fires, and falls away]
Fraser: Run!
Janice: [retrieves gun & holds it on Fraser]  Where are the matches?
Fraser: I have no idea.
Janice: I don’t want that answer, I want to know where they are.
Fraser: Well, you’re really talking to the wrong person.
Janice: Hear that, little girl? Your little red friend here is dead.

[Christina finds a pack of cigarettes in someone’s coat pocket]
Fraser: She doesn’t know where they are, either.
Janice: Then I have no further use for you.
Christina: You can’t hurt him!
Fraser: Run.
Christina: No.
Janice: Come here.
Fraser: I said run.
Christina: You told me to stop running.
Fraser: Yes, but I was talking about running away from the problems with your father. This is about running away from someone who quite probably will shoot you. That’s an entirely different thing.
Christina: I did this. This is my problem and I’m not running.
Janice: You want to die, kid?
Fraser: You can’t shoot her.
Janice: Watch me.
Fraser: Oh no, that’s a 9mm Baretta. It carries a 15 round clip. You’ve already shot 14 times.
Janice: Bull.
Fraser: No, you have honestly. Follow this through. Six in the incinerator, seven in the corridors, one just--
Janice: All right, all right!
Fraser: What this basically means is you have one bullet left, and then you’re defenseless. Now I don’t think you can afford to use it on her, so she’s gonna walk away now.
Christina: No, I’m not!
Fraser: Have you ever said something that you truly regretted?
Christina: I can’t leave you here. [holds up a matchbook]  I’ll trade you for him.
Janice: Throw ‘em over here.
Christina: What am I, stupid?!
Janice: I said throw ‘em over here, kid, now!
Fraser: Oh, I don’t think she likes being called kid.
Christina: All right, you let him walk away or I eat it.
Janice: What?
Fraser: Would you please run?
Christina: Can’t.  Too scared. Choose!
Janice: Throw ‘em or I shoot!
Christina: Fine, I’m eating it!
Janice: You put that in your mouth and he’s dead!
Christina: Chicago? What do I do?
Fraser: Oh go ahead, eat it.
[Christina eats... Janice points the gun... Fraser kicks at Janice... Fraser & Christina escape]
Fraser: Nice bluff.
Christina: Thank you.
[the basement door is locked]

Janice: Bye-bye, Red.
Ray: Ohhhhh!

[he lands in the trash, knocking into Janice... the gun fires harmlessly]
Fraser: Perfect tactical delay, Ray.
Ray: [wearily]  Yeah, Thank you very much, Fraser.

[Vecchio picks matchbook off of his suit and tosses it toward the flames... Fraser leaps and catches them just in time... Vecchio looks at him like he’s crazy, until he opens the book]
Fraser: The list.

[elevator]
Christina: Good night.

Ray: Night.
Fraser: Goodnight, Ray.
Ray: Goodnight, Benny.
Fraser: [to Janice] Ma’am.

[doors close]
Ray: [voice]  So where’s my watch?

[corridor; outside Christina’s room]
Christina: Uh, goodnight, Chicago.
Fraser: Goodnight. Oh you know, I never asked you. Why do you call me Chicago?
Christina: Oh well, there’s somebody to baby-sit me in each city, and it’s a lot easier than remembering names.
Fraser: Ah. Goodnight.
Christina: Night.

[Fraser stations himself in the hallway chair, and falls almost instantly asleep; Christina goes to sneak out again, to find him sleeping sitting up, Stetson on the floor]

[Fraser is lying on a couch]
Fraser: [dreaming] Dief, no. Dief. [awakens abruptly]

Christina: Hi.
Fraser: Oh. What am I, uh... [he looks under his blanket... finds he is out of uniform]  Oh.
Christina: Terrific staff they got here. Come on, we’re gonna be late... You don’t expect me to go to the ball without an escort, do you?
Fraser: Well I’d love to, but I think if I showed up with you, your father would have me cashiered.
Christina: [holding up cleaned uniform] We’ve all got choices to make, Fraser.

Fraser: Fraser?
Christina: Coming?

[The Ball. Music: ‘Smile’ by Holly Cole Trio]

[Fraser & Christina arrive together, and she spots her father in the crowd]

Fraser: Go ahead.

 

Mr. Nichols: You look...You look just like your mother. May I have the honor?

Dr. Pearson: Where’d you learn to dance like that?
Welsh: It’s all part of the job.

Gardino: It’s completely unfair. We make one mistake and we’re on security detail.
Huey: Louis. Did I tell you to open your big mouth? Did I tell you to swear on your honor the matches didn’t exist?
Gardino: Well, at least I had a good suit. [it’s plaid, with bright blue cummerbund & tie]
Huey: You own that?
Gardino: What? You think they rent things like this?
Huey: I think that I don’t want to stand next to you.
Madam DeFarge: [in cocktail dress]  Like the suit. [winks]
Gardino: Thanks, ma’am.

Mr. Nichols: The American ambassador’s son has been waiting to dance with you all night. I told him to bug off. You had a boyfriend.
Christina: Oh well, it’s okay. I’ve actually been looking forward to dancing with him.

Ray: Hey.
Fraser: Hey!
Ray: So Welsh finally gives me the day off for solving the biggest case in my career and I’m delivering casual wear. [hands him a paper bag]
Fraser: I’m confused, Ray. I didn’t call you.
Ray: Aw, put it on, I’m taking you out. We’re celebrating.
Fraser: All right.
Ray: So everything worked out with Miss Muffet?
Fraser: Oh, I hope so.
Ray: She gonna run away again?
Fraser: Oh, probably. But you know, sometimes if you stand still, the world comes to you.

Mr. Nichols: Damn. There he is. I promised the Latvian Ambassador I’d spend sometime with him tonight.
Christina: Him? [it’s the cute tourist!]
Mr. Nichols: Nope. It’s just you and me tonight, kiddo.
Christina: No. I mean, we could go out with them - uh, him.
Mr. Nichols: I couldn’t ask you to do that.
Christina: Ask me.
Mr. Nichols: No, sweetie. We haven’t seen each other at all. I haven’t spent any time with you. I want to be with you. I wanna spend time with you.
Christina: Dad, I understand that sometimes I’m gonna need to do stuff like this, you know. It’s something I’m gonna accept.
Mr. Nichols: That’s okay.

Ray: I’ll get the car.

 

End