[Fraser’s
apartment]
Ray : Twenty-nine minutes.
Fraser : Wouldn’t it have been easier to order it from the place across the street?
Ray
: Fraser,
there are hundreds of places that make
pizza. What I
am looking for here is the perfect pizza at the perfect
price.
Fraser: Which
is?
Ray: Free. And
that’s exactly what this’ll be in 34 seconds. There is no
way he can get a pizza here from Michigan Avenue in under
a half hour.
Fraser: You
mean you’re using some promotional ploy in order to get
something for nothing?
Ray: Welcome to
the United States of America, Fraser.
Fraser: Well,
it just doesn’t seem fair,
Ray. I mean,
if you don’t pay for them, somebody has to.
Ray: Again,
welcome to my country.
[knock knock
knock]
Ray
: Drop the pizza, kid. You’re late.
Lenny: Oh,
you’re one of those guys. Uh, listen, I couldn’t find the
building, I am 10
seconds late,
your pizza’s obviously ruined…
Ray: Don’t give
me sarcasm.
Just the pie.
Lenny: Look, I
go back without thirteen-fifty, I get fired. I just got
this job. I
need this job.
Come on, guys, cut me a break, will ya?
Fraser: Here’s
for my half, Ray.
Ray: Your half?
What are you doing? You believe this sob story?
Lenny: Come on.
I’m blocking the alley.
Ray: Okay,
fine. But next
time, punk-- [loud
noises from alley]
Lenny: Oh no!
My car. They got my car!
Ray
: Repo?
Lenny: I just
bought it.
Fraser:
Diefenbaker. Follow it. Excuse me.
[he jumps out the window, then runs across roofs until he
jumps onto Lenny’s still-moving
car]
Fraser: Please
stop immediately! This is not your automobile!
[the car turns a corner & Fraser is tossed off the
top]
Fraser: I’m
okay. [Dief takes
off after the speeding
car] Dief.
Dief! Diefenbaker!
[takes off after the
speeding wolf]
Lenny: Hey!
Hey! That’s my car!
Fraser: Ray!
Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him!
Ray: Hey! Stop!
Halt!
Fraser: Stop
him!
Ray: Unmush!
Unmush!
Fraser:
Where’s your car?
Ray
: Lot B. You ought to get that dog a hearing aid!
Fraser: It’s my
mistake. I never should have sent him.
Ray: He’ll come
back.
Fraser: No, he
won’t. He
won’t stop until he catches it.
Ray: And if
they don’t stop?
Fraser: He’ll
die trying.
[Fraser’s
apartment]
Ray: Got a
stolen car, 221 East Racine, 1977 green Comet... Yeah.
Robert-Charles-William-one-three-nine…Yeah, you do
that.
Lenny: Look if
I don’t find that car, I lose my job.
Ray: I called
it in. [pays]
There you go, kid.
Lenny: A lot of
good this is gonna do me.
Ray: Hey, call
your insurance broker. You do have insurance, don’t
you?
Lenny: Oh yeah,
I do. I spent the last of my inheritance on it.
Fraser: Well,
the police have a description of the car, so the thieves
couldn’t have gotten far.
Lenny: Right
now, my car’s in some garage being torn up for parts. By
morning it’ll be spread over six states and the frame will
be rusting in Lake Michigan.
Ray: Earlier
career choice, kid?
Lenny: They
like to teach you a trade in juvie.
Ray: Let the
punk go.
Fraser: He
needs help, Ray.
Ray: Hey
there’s still a few people in this neighborhood without a
criminal record. Why don’t you try to help one of them?
[goes to exit, then
comes back for a slice of
pizza]
[on
street]
Fraser:
Lenny!
Ray: He doesn’t
want our help. Can’t you respect that?
Fraser: This is
my neighborhood, Ray. It makes it my responsibility.
Ray: Yeah,
well, it’s not my neighborhood.
Fraser: No.
Quite right. It’s not. Lenny! Lenny, I will find your
car.
Lenny:
How?
Fraser: I have
a friend on the case already.
Lenny: What,
the wolf?
Fraser: It’s
his neighborhood, too.
Lenny: Yeah.
I’ll hold my breath.
[stalks
off]
[in
Riv]
Fraser: That’s
odd.
Ray: What’s
that?
Fraser: Oh,
it’s probably nothing.
Ray: Oh no, I
am not getting involved in this one, Fraser. Unlike you I
refuse to feel guilty about something beyond my
control.
Fraser: No, I
understand, Ray. I understand fully.
Ray: Good. I
mean the kid should have got insurance. I’m not going to
turn Chicago upside down just to justify your twisted
sense of honor.
Fraser: Well, I
don’t expect you to. Every individual must follow their
own moral code.
Ray: What’s
that supposed to mean?
Fraser: Just
what I said, Ray. You’re right. You have no responsibility
here. Look, why don’t you just let me off and you can go
home.
Ray:
Fine.
Fraser:
Thanks.
Ray: I’m
going!
Fraser:
Goodnight, Ray.
[Vecchio pulls off, then backs
up]
Ray:
Forty-seven thousand cars are stolen each year in the
city. How are you going to find one?
Fraser: I don’t
think you want to know, Ray.
Ray: You’re
right. I don’t. Goodnight!
Fraser:
Goodnight.
[Vecchio pulls off, then backs
up]
Ray: Okay.
How?
Fraser: When
the Inuit go fishing, Ray, they don’t look for the
fish.
Ray: I hate
myself!
[gets out &
stands beside Fraser] So what do they look for?
Fraser: The
blue heron.
Ray: You’re
kidding me, right?
Fraser: No, I’m
not, Ray.
Ray: And where
might we find this legendary bird?
Fraser: We
begin by asking the people who’d
know.
[sidewalk, now on
foot]
Ray:
[muttering] One
pizza. That’s all I wanted was one lousy Chicago-style
deep dish pizza.
[sigh] Excuse
me, have you seen a 1977 green Comet followed by a white
wolf?
Street Person:
Today?
Ray: Yes, of
course today!!
Street Person:
Nope.
Ray: That’s it.
That’s it. I’m done. I’m not asking any more bums for
you.
Fraser: Thank
you, ma’am. Ray, these are the people of the streets. This
is their home.
And you notice when things are out of place in your home.
(sniff)
Ray: Oh yeah,
they notice things. They notice green cars, white wolves
and pink elephants. This is getting us nowhere.
Fraser: It got
us here.
Ray: Oh, this
is a place we want to be?
Fraser: I think
I’m picking up his trail.
(sniff) Good
boy, Diefenbaker.
Ray: You can
smell him?
Fraser: Well,
not him exactly.
[kneels & sniffs
a tree trunk]
Ray: Oh no!
You’re sniffing piddle!
Fraser: Each
lupus has it’s own unique scent. That’s how they mark
their territory.
Ray: Yeah, it
stinks.
Fraser: Oh
yes.
Ray: You mean
to tell me he peed all the way from here to the
Loop?
Fraser: Well,
he isn’t relieving himself. He’s marking a
trail.
[another street; Fraser is sniffing things]
Ray
: First dirt-tasting, now piddle-sniffing. I don’t want to
be around when you start listening to dung.
Street Person2:
Fraser’s looking for his dog again.
Street Person3:
Yep.
[the next block; Fraser sniffs, then quickly goes back the way they came]
Ray
: Where are you going?
Fraser: Stupid
rookie mistake.
Ray: What do
you mean?
Fraser: These
last two blocks, I’ve been tracking a Lhasa Apso.
Ray: You’ve
been tracking a Lhasa Apso?
Fraser: I know.
If word of this gets back to the Territories, I’ll never
live it down.
Ray: Mounties
can be so cruel.
Fraser: You
can’t imagine. Evening, Jerome.
Ray
: Hey, Jesse.
(sniff)
(sniff) I
don’t smell anything.
(sniff)
<Doo Mah>
[morning; they crest a hill]
Fraser
: Ray!
(sniff)
This is it.
Ray:
What?
Fraser: He’s
here.
(sniff)
Ray:
Where?
Fraser:
(sniff) (sniff)
Right there.
[Dief is sitting beside a yellow Comet in a used car
lot]
Ray: Markle’s
Used Cars? This is where the kid bought the car! Your dumb
animal tracked it backwards.
Fraser: Good
dog. Good boy.
Ray: Yeah
brilliant. Not only is he deaf, he’s colorblind.
Fraser: This is
the car.
Ray: What do
you mean this is the car? This car is bright yellow. The
kids car was lime green. And his VIN number isn’t even
close.
Fraser: No
scratches on the lock. No sign of a break in. They must
have used a key.
Ray: Of course
they used a key. It’s their car.
Fraser: When I
was on Lenny’s car, my button accidentally scratched the
paint. Now I’ve just taken a second sample from the wheel
well.
Ray: Oh yeah,
very pretty.
Fraser: They
are identical. Except that this one has a fresh coat of
yellow paint.
Ray: You’re
right. It’s still tacky. This is the car.
Fraser: Do you
think we can get forensics down here?
Ray: No need.
I’ll have this puppy impounded in less than an
hour.
[Dief
grumbles]
[27th
precinct]
Welsh:
Different plates, different color, different vehicle
identification number. Am I getting the picture?
Ray: Uh, yes,
sir, but--
Welsh: And all
of them are legit.
Ray: Apparently
so, yes sir--
Fraser:
Detective Vecchio also has a source that corroborates his
theories.
Welsh: And that
would be?
Ray: His wolf,
sir?
Welsh: Ah.
Unfortunately wolves are such notoriously bad witnesses.
In my experience, they tend to fold under
cross-examination. Gentlemen. The State’s Attorney has
just enough man power to prosecute a small fraction of the
cases we bring to them. You can understand how I would
hate to ask them to prosecute a case in which we have no
evidence at all.
Fraser:
Leftenant, Lenny Milano is a decent young man. He’s on
parole and he’s trying to turn his life around. I’m afraid
if I told him there’s nothing you can do for him--
Welsh: Is he a
friend of yours?
Fraser: No,
sir.
Welsh: He’s a
relative.
Fraser: No. He
delivered a pizza to my apartment at Detective Vecchio’s
request.
Welsh: Oh,
you ordered the
pizza.
Ray: It did not
seem like a mistake at the time, sir.
Welsh: Right.
Just like bringing this case to me probably didn’t seem
like a mistake at the time.
Ray: Yes,
sir.
[Welsh gives them a look… Vecchio & Fraser
leave]
Ray:
My
theory.
Fraser: Well, I
was just trying to give you credit, Ray.
Ray: Okay. I
did my good deed. I embarrassed myself to the fullest
extent of the law for
you. Now can I
go back to work?
Fraser: Well,
of course. You did all you could. Thank you, Ray.
[exits]
Ray: Damn, he’s
as bad as his
dog!
[juvenile detention yard; basketball
game]
Fitz: Hey,
Milano! What’s with the Mountie? Steal some maple syrup?
We missed you, Lenny! Aw, did we hurt your feelings? Ya
know, you gotta toughen up, boy. You don’t know what
personal hardships you’ll run into the next time I get my
hands on you.
Lenny: Anytime,
Fitz. Anytime.
Fits: Looking
forward to seeing you, Lenny.
Fraser: Is that
young man expecting to be released soon?
Lenny: No, he’s
expecting me to come back here. Everybody comes
back.
Fraser: Not
everybody, Lenny.
Lenny:
Yeah.
[PO’s office]
Parole
Officer
: So, a Mountie. What you do Lenny, steal some maple
syrup?
[laughs]
Lenny: No,
sir.
Fraser: I came
to vouch for the boy, sir.
Parole Officer:
And what does he need vouching for?
Lenny: My car
got stolen.
Parole Officer:
No problem.
Lenny: I might
be out of a job for a while.
Parole
Officer: Problem.
Lenny : Sir--
Parole
Officer
: Condition 12B of your early release. You maintain
employment.
Fraser: Well,
I’m sure he’ll be able to find alternative employment in
no time.
Parole Officer:
It says maintain not re-obtain. Milano has to stick with
the job he already has.
Fraser: Well he
can’t deliver pizzas without a car, sir.
Parole Officer:
Sorry. Them’s the rules. Lose your job, lose your
freedom.
[27th
precinct]
Ray:
You wanna go
undercover.
Fraser: Well I
admit, I’m not as familiar with the art of subterfuge as
you are, Ray. But it appears to be an inside job, and I
can’t see any other way to gather sufficient
evidence.
Ray: Okay, so
what would your cover be?
Fraser: Ah. my
cover. Well. I thought I’d present myself as a chance
passerby. Naturally I’d start by removing my hat and any
identifying symbols from the uniform.
Ray: Well, that
would be good, because your hat just might give you
away.
Fraser:
Exactly. That’s exactly what I felt. And then what I
thought I would do, is I would stroll onto the lot, and I
would introduce myself to the employees, and I would ask a
few informal questions.
Ray: Such
as?
Fraser:
[consults a
paper]
Does anyone here know the whereabouts of a stolen lime
green Comet?
[Vecchio
nods]
Fraser: Anyone
seen a stolen car?
[Vecchio
nods]
Fraser: Any
stolen cars around here?
[Vecchio
chuckles]
Fraser: Oh! If
you’ve seen a stolen car, please raise your hand!
Ray:
Okay! Let’s
go.
Fraser: Oh, did
I say something wrong?
Ray: No, no,
no, no, not at all, Benny.
Fraser : No, I said something wrong.
Ray : No, no, no! Just follow me.
Fraser
: Okay.
Elaine: You’re
very good.
Fraser:
[puts on hat,
looking smug] Thank you.
[they
exit]
[across the street from Tex Markle’s Used
Cars]
Fraser: How do
I look?
Ray:
Button.
[Fraser unbuttons
his red sport
jacket]
Rule number one of undercover work. If you don’t believe
it, they don’t believe it. We’re
not pretending
to be used car salesmen, we
are used car
salesmen
Fraser: I
understand.
[passerby throws paper on the ground]
Fraser
: Excuse me, uh--
[gives up &
throws the waste away himself]
Ray: Fraser,
you’re a car salesman!
Fraser: Well, I
understand that,
Ray. I’ve done
this before, you know.
Ray: Oh,
really?
Fraser: Yes.
When I was a young scout working on my ecology badge, I
insinuated myself into a hunting party in order to catch a
baby seal killer.
Ray: So what
happened?
Fraser: Well, I
was clubbed repeatedly,
Ray.
[lot]
Tex: Gentleman!
Welcome to Tex Markle’s Preowned Automobiles. I’m Tex
Markles. What can I do for you?
Ray: It’s what
we can do for you. Roy Vinner. I’d like you to meet my
partner, Billy Bob Fraser. Maybe you’ve heard of him.
Billy Bob sold more cars than anyone in the state of Texas
last year!
Tex: No
kidding. Is that true, son?
Fraser:
No.
Tex. Huh.
That’s what I like. An honest man. Most people come here
give me a line of bull trying to convince me they’re
something they’re not. But I’ll tell you, I’m a little
short-handed right now. You see that old lady over
there?
Fraser: I can
honestly say that I do.
Tex: Good. Well
you sell her that piece of junk and you’ve got yourselves
a job. Both of you. Now anything over four hundred dollars
you can keep it. Deal?
Ray:
Deal.
Tex:
Okay.
[they
shake]
Ray:
[to lady] Well,
well, well, you have a keen eye for quality, young
lady.
Lady: Thank
you.
Ray: Would you
like to start her up?
Lady: Yes.
[she
does]
Ray: Sounds
great, huh?
Lady: Yes, it
does sound great.
Fraser: And I
don’t think that valve problem will give you any trouble
for a few hundred miles.
Ray: Excuse me
a moment,
ma’am.
[they walk away]
Fraser, when
people are trying to buy a car they really don’t need to
hear about engine problems. It makes ‘em think they’re not
worth anything.
Fraser: You
don’t expect me to lie to people, do you?
Ray: Who’s
asking you to lie? Okay, I am. But if we don’t lie, we
don’t sell a car. If we don’t get a job, we can’t hang
around here to solve the case. And if we don’t solve the
case, Lenny goes to jail. So if you can’t say something
untrue, please, don’t say anything at all.
Fraser: All
right.
[puts on shades and
they go back to the
lady]
You’ve picked a fine automobile, ma’am.
Lady: Did you
ever drive this car?
Fraser: Yes,
yes I did. In a rally race. From Whitehorse to
Africa.
Lady: Do you
mean you drove this car to Africa?
Fraser: Yes. I
did. Except for the Atlantic Ocean, where-where I had
to... row.
Lady: Are you
telling me the truth?
Fraser:
No.
Ray: How much
do you want to spend?
Lady: One
hundred dollars.
Ray: Deal. I’ll
meet you in the office.
Fraser:
[whispers] (Tex
wanted four hundred.)
Ray: (I know.
Cough up the other three.)
Fraser:
(Three?)
Ray: (Yeah.
American hundred dollar bills. Now.) We did it, Tex! We
sold her the
car!
[showroom]
Gary: Good
morning, people! I’ve got a couple of announcements of
importance for everyone so take a minute to listen up, all
righty? Uh, item one. Try selling cars? Mr. and Mrs.
Markles have made it clear this is something we should be
doing. All righty? Item two. We have two new salesmen
joining us today. Roy Vinner and Billy Bob Fraser, which
means less commissions for the rest of us.
Fraser: Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Gary: Finally
Tex’s specials for the day. The list is coming around.
Read it. These are the cars Tex would like us to push.
[Mrs. Markle enters
and licks her lips at Fraser; he acknowledges her and
takes out his handkerchief, wiping his own
lips] Nice
mark-ups which translates into more profits for Tex. Which
means a few more crumbs fall on your plates. One hundred
dollar bonus for each one sold. That’s it people. Oh and
hey, be careful out there.
[Vecchio clears throat, and looks at Fraser’s jacket; he
unbuttons it; they
exit]
[lot]
Ray: I’m
telling you this car is a veritable chick magnet. Best car
on the lot. Zero to 60 in 5.6 seconds, and the paint job
goes great with blondes, brunettes, and redheads.
[he’s pitching to an
elderly man with a walker]
[Fraser is taking
paint samples from various cars]
Ray:
[voice] Okay,
come look at this Camaro. Hey, let me give you a hand with
that oxygen tank.
Man
: [weakly]
Thank
you.
Tex: Whatcha
doing, Billy Bob? Billy Bob!
Fraser: Oh yes,
that’s me.
Tex: Let me
take a shot in the dark here. Billy Bob’s not your real
name is it?
Fraser: No,
sir. It’s Benton.
Tex: Well
that’s a shame. I can see why you’d change it. What the
hell were you doing down there?
Fraser: Well,
I’d rather not say, sir.
Tex: Why
not?
Fraser: Roy
would get mad.
Tex: Well, stop
messing around under them cars and go and sell me
some.
Fraser: Well,
I’d love to do that, sir, but I’m not really a car
salesman.
Female
customer: Excuse me, I’d like to take a test
drive.
Tex: Yes,
ma’am. Right this way.
Customer: Uh,
no. With him.
Fraser: Oh,
certainly. Uh, which car?
Customer: All
of them.
Tex:
[to self] Not a
car salesman,
huh?
[sales
office]
Ray: Wow! I see
you’ve made salesman of the month eight times in a
row.
Gary: Yeah,
well…You know, being nominated was honor enough.
Ray:
Yeah.
Gary: Don’t
touch it.
Ray: Uh,
Markles must be a pretty good employer, huh?
Gary: The best,
yeah. As long as you do two things for him.
Ray: Oh yeah?
What’s that?
Gary: Sell
plenty of cars.
Ray: And?
Gary: And don’t
ask too many stupid questions.
[lot]
Ray: (Billy
Bob! Billy Bob! I figured it out.)
Fraser: (The
specials have all been stolen.)
Ray:
(Exactly.)
Fraser:
(They’ve been stripped of everything but the serial
numbers including the tires.)
Ray:
(Exactly.)
Fraser: (And
judging from the numbers of coats of paint I’d say each
one has been sold and stolen several times over.)
Ray: (You’re
with me.) [to
customer] It’s a beauty, isn’t it?
Lady
: Yeah.
Fraser: (The
only thing I don’t understand is how they can continually
to come up with new vehicle identification numbers.)
Ray: (I
do.)
Fraser: (You
do?)
Ray: Yeah, and
if you hadn’t been out test-driving all the cars on the
lot you’d know, too.
Fraser: You
know, I’m beginning to suspect that that young woman
wasn’t interested in buying a car.
Ray:
[sigh]
Dashboards.
Fraser:
Dashboards?
Ray: Yeah. I
found half a dozen out back in the dumpster. All missing
VIN plates.
Fraser: And at
the rate they’re exchanging them, then, they must have
quite a number secreted somewhere on the premises.
Ray:
Mm-hmm. Follow
me.
Fraser: You
know where they are?
Ray: I do, but
I’m going to need some help getting in there.
Fraser: You
need me to create a distraction?
Ray: No, Billy
Bob, I need you to
be a
distraction.
Fraser: Oh.
Ho-How do you
mean?
[Tammy’s
office]
Tammy: Well, hi
there, Billy Bob.
Fraser: Please.
Call me Fraser, Mrs. Markles.
Tammy: And you
can call me Tammy.
Fraser: Good.
Good.
Tammy: So, what
can I do for you?
Fraser: Well,
uh, what I, um, what I think I…what I think... I, um uh, I
don’t know.
Tammy:
Really?
[meanwhile Vecchio picks a lock on an office door]
Tammy
: Well, you know, I’ve been thinking that you got the
right stuff to be employee of the week.
Fraser: Well,
that’s-that’s-that’s very flattering, but I haven’t sold
any cars.
Tammy: Well
now, employee of the week isn’t just about selling
cars.
Fraser: Of
course not. No. No. I would imagine it’s about loyalty
and, uh, dedication and, uh, trustworthiness…
[she’s advancing as he
retreats]
Tammy: You’re
trustworthy, aren’t you, Billy Bob?
Fraser
: I’m-I’m trying not to be.
Tammy: You know
what? If we’re gonna dance, we might as well hold onto
each other. [she
puts his arms around her and flips on the
radio]
[meanwhile Vecchio is snooping around]
Tammy
: My husband only has time for his work. He really doesn’t
understand me, Billy Bob. But you do, don’t ya?
Fraser: Uh no,
actually, I don’t think I do.
Tammy: Oh, I
think you do. [grabs
his butt]
Fraser: Oh yes,
now, uh, now I do.
[meanwhile Vecchio
finds something]
Tammy : Now, you keep your eyes closed!
[she’s undressing as Fraser covers his
eyes]
Fraser: Yes,
I’d prefer that.
Tammy: Now you
can look.
Fraser: No, I
really can’t
Tex:
[from outside]
Stop him! Stop him now!
Fraser: Oh, an
emergency. I’m
sorry! What a
shame.
[he rushes out still shielding his
eyes]
[lot; Lenny is driving the yellow car
wildly]
Tex: Somebody
call the police! That kid’s stealing a car! Go stop
him!
[office; Vecchio finds a stash of VIN plates behind a baseboard… Tammy enters]
Tammy
: Something I can help you with?!
Ray: I was
looking for the keys to the Skylark.
[she throws them at
him]
Thank
you.
[lot; Fraser gives chase by running over the hoods of the cars]
Tex : Don’t scratch the paint! [to Gary, assisting a couple] Will you help him?!
Gary
: What? [sees what’s
happening]
Stop, stop!
[the car sails
past] Okay…
[nonchalantly, to
couple]
This-this is the car you want.
[Fraser jumps in
front of Lenny’s speeding car]
Lenny: Get out
of my way, you stupid Mountie!
[Fraser doesn’t
budge, and Lenny is forced to slam on the
brakes]
Tex
: [to Fraser]
Great work Billy Bob.
[to cop] Arrest
that man, officers.
Lenny: But it’s
my car!
Fraser: I
know.
[the cops take Lenny
into custody]
Tex
: What an employee! That’s what I need – more salesman
who’ll throw themselves in front of a car for me! Gary,
give him one of your
plaques.
[juvenile
detention]
Lenny: Looks
like I’ll be here for a while.
Fraser: I’m
sorry you have to stay here.
Lenny: I’ve
been in worse places. Looks like I’m going back to one. I
blew it, huh?
Fraser:
Dispositional hearing isn’t until
Friday. It’s
not over yet.
Lenny: Look,
it’s not that I don’t appreciate your help or anything,
but yeah, it is over. Looks like Fitz was right. Things
always come back around and around and around.
Fraser: You
know, Lenny, I’m a man who believes in destiny. But it’s a
destiny of your own choosing. Just because a trail leads
one way doesn’t mean you can’t cut your own path.
Lenny: Looks
like mine leads right over a cliff.
Fraser: Cliffs
are for climbing, Lenny. That’s why God gave us grappling
hooks.
[in Riv; watching Markle’s
lot]
Ray: First you
want to go undercover, now you talk me into
this
thing?
Fraser: Well,
we have to catch them in the act, Ray.
Ray: You see,
here’s the tricky thing about sting operations. They
require money, resources and a lot more manpower than you,
me, and a wolf.
Fraser: That’s
why we have our third man.
[Frannie is walking
through the lot, dolled up; she’s wearing a
wire]
Francesca: Can
you read me?
Fraser: Loud
and clear. Oh, um, once again, I’m terribly sorry about
the confusion.
I-I thought that you understood my intention.
Francesca:
Don’t worry, really. I’ve forgotten all about it.
[to woman] Let
me ask you
something. If
a guy asks if you’re busy tonight, he’s asking you out,
right?
Woman: Yeah,
I’d think so.
Francesca:
Yeah, so would I. You seen a salesman?
Ray: Four
hundred women in my black book, and you had to call my
sister.
Fraser: Well,
I’m sorry, but it was the only current number.
Ray: Okay, can
we go over this drill one more time? No departmental
approval means we’re on our own, and being on our own
means?
Francesca: No
back up.
Ray: No. We’re
using my money, and using my money means we’re buying a
cheap car. You find Tex. You ask him what the specials
are, and you buy the cheapest car on the lot.
Francesca:
You know, you’ve told me this a hundred
times already. I think I picked up on most of the
subtleties of the plan.
Ray: Yeah, just
buy the kid’s Comet.
Francesca: Stop
treating me like a child, okay? I know what I’m
doing.
Fraser: Here he
comes.
Tex: Hello,
little lady. Welcome to Tex Markle’s Fine Pre-Owned
Automobiles. I’m Tex Markles, and how can I help
you?
Ray: I’m
lookin’ for a car! I’m lookin’ for a car!
Francesca: I’m
looking for a car!
Tex: Well,
you’ve certainly come to the right place. You have
anything specific in mind?
Ray: Something
cheap!
Francesca:
Ohhhh, I don’t know.
Ray: What do
you mean you don’t know?! Buy the Comet! Buy the
Comet!
Francesca: A
corvette?
Ray: Comet!
C-O-M-- [hits the
walkie-talkie] Is this thing working?
Francesca: One
of the really expensive ones.
Ray: You keep
this up, and I’m gonna let Fraser read your diary.
Francesca: Oh!
Look at that Comet. That’s adorable!
Tex: Comet is a
great car. Solid, dependable automobile. Yeah, as a matter
of fact, uh, we-we got this little baby marked right down.
[takes off the $400
tag] We
can, uh, let you have it for about, uh, six hundred
dollars?
Ray: Three
hundred, tell him three! Tell him three!
Francesca: Six
it is.
Ray: What is
the matter with you? Did we not go over this plan?
[to
Fraser]
Did we not sit in a room and go over this
plan?
[street; Vecchio & Fraser in the Riv are following
Frannie in the yellow
Comet]
Ray: That was
supposed to be a flash roll.
Francesca:
Yeah, well consider it a payback.
Ray: For
what?
Francesca: You
killed my hamster.
Ray: Yeah,
twenty years ago.
Fraser: You
killed her hamster, Ray?
Ray: How was I
suppose to know they couldn’t swim?
Fraser: Ray, we
got company. Black sedan at six o’clock.
Ray: All right,
pull over and I’ll set the homing device.
Francesca: Oh!
It was premeditated murder. Just admit it.
Ray: Okay, I
admit it. Now
pull over!
Francesca: I’m
over.
[into a car wash that is
washing]
Ray:
Ready?
Fraser: Ready.
[they get
out]
Ray: Gimme the
keys, gimme the keys! Okay now, I’m gonna be riding in the
trunk.
Fraser: What
about the homing device?
Ray: There’s no
time. Watch this.
[gets a rope &
attaches it to the latch, so it won’t lock]
Fraser: No, no,
no, Ray, I don’t know about this. Ray, you’re going to be
inside the trunk pulling down.
Francesca: Will
you just get in the trunk already?!
Ray: Trust me,
this contraption has saved me hundreds of dollars at the
drive-in movies.
[gets in]
Fraser:
[over
walkie-talkie] You all right?
Ray: I think I
got ripped off. The trunk leaks. Yeow! Jeez this stuff’s
hot!
[outside Vecchio
home]
Fraser:
Ray.
Ray: Code
names! We’re on an open frequency here.
Fraser:
[sigh] Penguin
to Stallion, come in, Stallion.
Ray: Stallion
here.
Fraser: All
right, the ferrets have gone around twice. Here they come
again.
Ray: Who?
Fraser: The car
thieves.
Ray
: Oh, right.
Francesca: I’m
ready. Let’s go.
[gets into
Riv]
Fraser: Uh,
Ray, we’ve got trouble, there’s a fox in the cave.
Ray:
What?
Fraser: Your
sister is in the car.
Ray: Get her
outta here!
Fraser: Uh, I’m
afraid you’ll have to leave. This could become
dangerous.
Francesca:
[opening up picnic
basket] You have a corkscrew? Oh, that’s all right,
it’s a twist off.
Fraser: I, uh,
I don’t mean to sound ingracious and it’s not that I don’t
appreciate the offer.
Ray: Hot hors
d’oeuvre? I’m suffocating and you’re serving him a
buffet?
Francesca: You
stay out of this, Gelding.
Ray:
Stallion!
Francesca:
Yeah, in your dreams.
Fraser: Uh,
Stallion, the ferret is in the forest.
Ray:
What?
Francesca: The
car thief is coming your way. Escargot?
[the sedan stops; a guy gets into the Comet; both cars drive away, closely followed by Frannie driving the Riv]
Fraser
: We’re right behind you, Stallion.
Ray: Now don’t
get too close!
We don’t want to scare these guys off.
Fraser: We
don’t want to lose you.
Francesca: Oh,
he’ll be fine. Would you mind peeling me a shrimp?
Fraser: You
just turned again. Which way did you turn?
Ray: What am I,
a Mountie? Right, left, I’m in the trunk for crying out
loud!
Fraser: Just
tell me what you hear.
Ray: I hear my
head smashing against the side of the trunk. Damn! There’s
another one!
Fraser:
Speedbumps. Turn right.
Francesca: Can
you sorta take the wheel for a moment? I’ve got my hands
full.
Ray : Will you step on it?
Francesca
: I can’t really serve and drive, now can I?
Gespacho?
Fraser: Uh,
he’s breaking up. Might I suggest we increase our
speed?
Francesca:
Oh.
Ray: Will you
floor it, Francesca?
Francesca: All
right! You want garlic butter on your upholstery?
Fraser: Ray. I
think he’s out of range. Ray!
Ray:
Shh! (The car
is stopped…They shut off the engine…I can hear voices…All
right, I can’t wait for you guys, I’m coming out…3-2-1.
[the trunk won’t
open]
Damn. Stupid Mounties….)
Gary: (Vinner!
I knew there wasn’t something right about that guy.)
Tammy: Get rid
of him.
[Gary pushes the car towards the
lake]
Ray: (False
alarm. We’re moving again.)
Fraser: Ray,
the driver never got back in.
Ray:
(Uh-oh.)
[the Comet rolls
into the lake]
Ray
: (I think they’re getting the car washed again…I don’t
think they use fresh water at this place…) And they sure
are using a lot…Too much. Way too much.
Fraser!
[lakeside]
Francesca : We’ve got the wrong place.
Fraser
: No, we don’t. Get the keys to the Comet. Get the
escargot.
Francesca: You
think he’ll be hungry?
Fraser: Where
are they? Where are the keys?
[she starts searching for the keys; Fraser puts the
flashlight in the escargot’s plastic
bag]
Francesca:
They’re in my wallet.
Fraser: I need
the keys!
Francesca : They’re in my wallet, they’re in my wallet…they’re not in my wallet….
[impatiently he retrieves a crowbar from the Riv’s
trunk]
Francesca:
Picnic basket! In the other pocket. Okay, I know where it
is.
[Fraser jumps into the water]
Francesca
: There is no pocket…Oh, my blue purse….They’re in this
pocket….
[meanwhile Fraser
rescues Vecchio… he walks out of the lake with Vecchio
draped over his shoulder]
Francesca: I
can’t find the, uh, the keys.
Ray
: Ugh! Ugh!
Fraser: Ray?
Ray? Ray!
Ray: Fraser,
Fraser. I don’t think that was a car wash.
Fraser: No,
Ray. [to
Frannie]
We need a blanket.
Francesca:
Well, I only have my good one.
Ray: Get the
blanket!
Fraser: You
okay?
Ray:
Yeah.
Francesca:
Okay, so where we going?
Ray: You’re
going home. Did you see who it was?
Fraser: No,
they took off before we got there.
Ray: I say we
go to the dealership and arrest the whole damn
bunch.
Fraser: That
would be an injustice, Ray.
Ray: You want
to see an injustice, take a look at my suit.
Francesca: Look
at my blanket.
Ray: Shut
up.
[Markle’s Used Cars,
Tammy’s office; Tammy is stuffing cash into a
bag]
Tex
: Hey, Tammy, where’s the keys to the
Mustang?
Tammy?
Tammy: Get ‘em
yourself.
Tex: Put that
back. What are you doing?
Tammy: What
does it look like I’m doing? I’m taking everything you own
and I’m leaving you, you jerk!
Tex: Why?
Tammy: Well,
because I’ve been selling stolen cars, that’s why.
Tex: Don’t lie
to me. There’s another man, isn’t there?
Tammy: Good
God, There’ve been dozens of ‘em. Where’ve you
been?.
Tex: Well,
forget it. You can break my heart, but you can’t steal my
money!
[retrieves a gun
& points it at her]
Tammy
: You haven’t got the guts.
[Vecchio &
Fraser burst in]
Ray
: Okay, drop it!
Tammy: Thank
God you’re here! He’s gone crazy! He’s going to kill
me!
Ray: Drop the
gun, Tex, you’re under arrest!
Tex: But she’s
stealing my money!
Ray: I said
drop it!
Fraser: He
didn’t do it, Ray.
Ray: He’s the
one with the gun.
Fraser: But
she’s the one with the algae on her shoes.
Ray: Okay,
freeze.
Fraser: She
couldn’t have done it alone.
Gary: Freeze.
[holds gun on
Vecchio]
Ray
: Gary?
Fraser:
Gary.
Gary: Put your
hands in the air.
Tammy: Gary,
darlin’. Shoot ‘em. Shoot ‘em all!
Tex: I can’t
believe this. You’re leaving me for a-a salesman?
Tammy: Shoot
him first.
Gary: No,
Tammy. We’re
not going to shoot anybody. We’re just gonna tie ‘em up
and get on a plane and get out of here, like we
planned.
Tammy: Oh good
God, you’re as big a coward as he is. Well, never mind.
I’ll just give your ticket to someone else.
[she pulls out her own gun & starts firing, then
escapes with the bag of
money]
Gary: Chipped
my plaque.
Fraser: It’s a
superficial wound.
[to Tex] Can you
watch him ‘til the police come?
Tex:
Sure.
Fraser
: Thank you.
[exits]
Gary:
[holding wounded
plaque]
It’s chipped…
[Tammy drives off; Vecchio gets into a nearby car & gives chase]
[Fraser jumps in front of the oncoming Tammy]
Tammy : You’re testin’ the wrong person, Billy Bob.
[she gets closer and closer…Vecchio smashes into her car from the side; Vecchio & Fraser rush over]
Ray
: Dead?
Tammy:
[stunned] I
hate men.
Fraser: No.
Just disappointed.
Ray: What is
wrong with you?
Fraser: Pardon
me?
Ray: What the
hell is wrong with you? She almost killed you in there.
Didn’t you think she would flatten you here?
Fraser: Oh, I
knew she was prepared to kill me.
Ray: Well, then
why did you stand there?
Fraser: Well, I
heard you coming. I had to keep her attention fixed on me
long enough so that you would be able to intervene.
Ray: But what
if I didn’t?
Fraser: Well, I
knew that you would take the car parked next to hers, and
the Plymouth accelerates two seconds faster over the
quarter mile than the Cadillac.
Ray: I took the
Chevy.
[pause]
Fraser
: Oh. Oh well. You know, you really should tell me next
time.
Ray: Tell you
what?
Fraser: Well, I
mean if you’re going to change a plan like that. I
was standing in
front of a car, Ray.
Ray: Plan?
Plan? What plan? You mean to tell me-- There were two cars
to choose from, all right? Are you telling me I took the
wrong car?
Fraser: No
apologies necessary. It’s already forgotten.
Ray: Do we
gotta pay for these cars?
Fraser: I would
imagine so. Yes.
Ray: Welsh is
gonna have my butt.
[in Riv]
Fraser:
Twenty-nine minutes, Ray.
Ray: Okay,
okay. I don’t need a countdown
Lenny: Okay,
this is the twelve hundred block. It’s got to be around
here someplace.
Ray: Do you
believe these skinflints? They couldn’t have just ordered
from across the street?
Fraser: Maybe
they wanted the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
Ray: Sixteen
bucks? I’m not paying. Your job, kid.
You pay.
Lenny: Why
should I pay? You’re driving.
Fraser: And I’m
afraid I left my wallet in the lake, Ray.
Ray: What about
him?
[Dief woofs]
Fraser
: Well, I don’t like to touch his savings account.
Lenny: Just
tell ‘em you couldn’t find the building.
Ray: Oh yeah,
that’ll work.
Lenny
: Worked on
you.
End