They Eat Horses Don’t They?

[supermarket]

[Fraser is trying to get cool in the freezer section; Vecchio is talking to a lady]
Ray: This is my cell phone. I carry it with me 24 hours a day.
Miss Broccoli: Imagine, meeting someone over broccoli.
Ray: I know. What are the odds? [Fraser places a tub of ice cream to his forehead]  Oh, ah, excuse me, my associate’s applying dairy foods to his body. Call me?

Ray: Fraser, what are you doing?
Fraser: It’s 19 degrees cooler over here.

Ray: I know you’re nostalgic for that glacier lifestyle, but you’re missing the whole point of coming to a supermarket.
Fraser: What do you mean?
Ray: Well the modern supermarket is the place to meet women in the 90’s.
Fraser: Really?
Ray: Absolutely. I mean you don’t know who you’re gonna meet in a bar. At least in here you can tell a lot about a person just by the section you meet her in.
Fraser: How?
Ray: Well for example, if she’s near the vegetables she cares about her body. If she’s near the meat, an animal in bed. And if she’s near the Eskimo pies, she’s given up, move back to meat.
[Fraser grabs a package of hamburger, cuts into it with his knife, and sniffs it]
Ray: Oh, no! You’re putting beef on your nose? Stop that!
Fraser: This meat is bad.  [cuts into another package]
Ray: Well, that’s a shame, because it looks really good on you. Why don’t you dab a little pork behind your ears?
Fraser: So’s this one.

Mrs. Gamez: Please hurry!  My boy is sick. He’s in danger. Please hurry!
Clerk: I’m going as fast as I can, lady.

Mrs. Gamez: (Spanish, sounds like: Mi hijo estómago y tiene fievre!)

Clerk: Nice. You know how much this was? [Pepto Bismol]
Mrs. Gamez: No. 

Clerk: I need a price check on five. Price check on five.
Mrs. Gamez: Just forget that one. [throws money down and rushes off]
Clerk: Hey this isn’t enough!
[Fraser places a $10 bill on the counter]
Fraser: Will that cover it?

[apartment; Mrs. Gamez enters & rushes to Mario’s side]
Mario: Mama, mama.
Girl: He’s burning up. He’s so hot!
Mrs. Gamez: He’s getting worse! Call 911!

[Fraser enters]
Fraser: They’re on their way.

 

 

<Doo Mah>

 

[hospital waiting room; Fraser & kids are smiling at one another]
Ray: Any news on the kid?
Fraser: They pumped his stomach. I think they got him soon enough. He should be okay.

[Vecchio’s cell phone rings]
Ray: Good, cause I have a feeling I’m gonna have to rush off here on some urgent business. [answers] Hello, Miss Broccoli…Ma! What are you calling me on my private line for? …Course I got the parmesan. [exits]
Doctor: Ms. Gamez?
Mrs. Gamez: Yes?
Doctor: All right, there should be no permanent damage.
Mrs. Gamez: Oh, thank you, Doctor, thank you!

Doctor: [aside to passing doctor] Bob, Bob. Elliot just made Chicago All-Stars in soccer!
Bob: Great.
Doctor: Uh, now we may never know exactly what caused this, but it looks like food poisoning.  Probably you left some meat out too long...
Mrs. Gamez: No, that’s not possible. I would never do that.
Social Worker: I’m here. Are you Mrs. Gamez? [to doctor] Can we use your office?
Doctor: Uh, don’t be too long.
Mrs. Gamez: What does she mean?
Doctor: Well, I had to call Child and Family Services. They just want to talk to you about a few things, all right? [aside to passing Bob] Hey, hey. Little guy scored three goals in the first period!
Social Worker: This way. [exits, followed by Mrs. Gamez]
Fraser: Excuse me, Doctor. I’m Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Doctor: Uh, what’s your connection here, Constable?
Fraser: I’m just trying to lend a hand, sir.
Ray: He does that a lot.
Fraser: I think you’re right about it being food poisoning, sir, but not from food that’s been left out too long. I believe the little boy ate diseased meat.
Doctor: And why do you believe that?
Fraser: Olfactory analysis.
Doctor: You smelled it?
Ray: He does that a lot, too.
Fraser: I took this from the trash in Mrs. Gamez’s apartment. I thought perhaps you could--
Doctor: There’s not enough there to analyze, Constable.  I appreciate your concern but um...frankly, I think we’re dealing here with a woman from South America, who’s used to a different level of hygiene. I had no choice but to make the call to protect both the children and the hospital.
Fraser: El Salvador.
Doctor: What?
Fraser: They’re from El Salvador.
Doctor: I’m sure they are. [exits]
[Vecchio dials his cell phone]
Fraser: What are you doing?
Ray: Checking to see if he has any outstanding parking tickets.

[doctor’s office]
Social Worker: I’ve noticed that our office has been in contact with you before, Mrs. Gamez.
Mrs. Gamez: That’s right.
Social Worker: Three complaints by a Mr. Taggister.
Mrs. Gamez: The landlord? He’s trying to get us to move so he can rent my apartment for more money.
Social Worker: And you have three other children? Mr. Gamez is not in the house?
Mrs. Gamez: No.
Social Worker: You must have your hands full. I just have two kids and they make my head spin.
Mrs. Gamez: My eldest daughter helps me. She’s a very good girl.
Social Worker: Well, it’s certainly understandable that a mistake can be made.
Mrs. Gamez: I didn’t make a mistake.
Social Worker: Your refrigerator’s broken?
Mrs. Gamez: Mr. Taggister won’t fix it.
Social Worker: You do understand, Mrs. Gamez, that if you don’t keep meat cold--
Mrs. Gamez: I only buy enough to use each day.
Social Worker: Why do you think your other kids didn’t get sick?
Mrs. Gamez: They ate at a neighbor’s.
Social Worker: What did they have?
Mrs. Gamez: I don’t really know.
Social Worker: Okay, that should do it for now.
Mrs. Gamez: What do you mean ‘for now’?

[hospital room; Mario is holding the Stetson]
Mario: Thank you for helping me.
Fraser: You’re welcome.
Ray: I bet you’ve never seen a real detective’s badge up close.
Mario: His hat is so cool!
Ray: How about a tazer?

[outside the room]
Fraser: What is it?
Mrs. Gamez: [crying] They make it that I hurt my Mario. That I made him sick.
Fraser: Ray?
Ray: Yeah, I’ve got to get back to the office. Welsh has been all over me. [sees Mrs. Gamez sobbing] All right, all right. I know somebody who knows somebody.  We’ll get the food inspector on it right away.
Fraser: I promise you, ma’am. Nothing bad will happen.
Mrs. Gamez: Bless you.
Ray: Look, you can reach me or the world’s nicest person through this number.
Fraser: [retrieving his hat] See you soon, Mario.

[supermarket: Petit’s Food Town]
Petit: This is ridiculous. I’ve got 12 stores. Never had any complaints about my meat.
Inspector: He’s right. All of this meat is healthy.
Ray: Are you sure? My friend’s nose has been in some strange places, but he’s never been wrong.
Inspector: I’m quite sure.
Fraser: [cuts into a package and sniffs]  He’s right. This meat is okay. It’s also been changed.

[alley behind market; workers going home]

Worker: G’night, Norm.

[Fraser & Vecchio wait for all to leave]
Ray: We don’t have a warrant. We don’t even have enough evidence for a warrant.
Fraser: We don’t need one. A hundred pounds of ground meat does not just enter a supermarket and then leave without a trace.
[Vecchio sighs]
Fraser: Ah yes.
Ray: Oh no!

[dumpster behind market]
Ray: You know Fraser, when I was a little boy, I used to dream of what it would be like to be a police officer. You know, shooting the bad guys, saving the girl. Being knee-deep in day-old chicken heads looking for tainted meat was never a part of that dream.
Fraser: Check that container there.
Ray: Why? If they wanted to hide something they just wouldn’t have dumped it in here.
Fraser: Well perhaps not this time. But garbage has a history, Ray. It always leaves something behind.
Ray: Yeah and most of it seems to be on me. You know what really annoys me? Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry?
Fraser: I don’t know. I’ve always been this way.
[cell phone rings]
Ray: Ciao. It’s Raimondo. [Fraser spots something on Vecchio’s jacket, and takes a sample]  Ma! No, Ma. I did not forget the lettuce, okay? I got it right here. [aside to Fraser]  See a head of lettuce anywhere? [into phone]  Uh, Ma. Yes, I got it…Look, look… No, I gotta go. Fraser’s picking lint off me again… All right, bye. [hangs up]  Thanks but I don’t think it’s gonna help.
Fraser: It might.
Ray: What is it?
Fraser: Parasites.
Ray: Those were on me?
Fraser: Yes.

[Vecchio shrieks and leaps out of dumpster]
Fraser: Ray?

 

[Vecchio house, bathroom; Vecchio is in the shower]
Ray: These things wash off, right?
Fraser: Parasites? Yes, of course. Although there is always the chance they laid eggs.
Ray: More soap! Gimme more soap! [Fraser does so]
Fraser: But I don’t think so. Most parasites live only on particular hosts.
Ray: What, I wasn’t gracious enough? I should have offered them canapés?
Fraser: No, no, what I mean is they’re, uh--

[Mrs. Vecchio enters without knocking]

Mrs. Vecchio: Oh, I hope you like spaghetti and meatballs.

Fraser: Well if you made it, Mrs. Vecchio, I’m sure it will be delicious.
Ray: Ma, you wanna get out of the bathroom?
Mrs. Vecchio: He’s such a baby. [exits]
Ray: It’s because I’m wet!
Fraser: What I mean is that each type of animal has its own distinct parasite.
[knock knock]

Francesca: Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know you were in here!

Maria: Didn’t know! She’s been standing in the doorway, timing it so you’d be undressed.

Francesca: You are such a liar!

Ray: I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody?!
Maria: Shut up!

Francesca: Oh, who cares! [to Fraser] Here, you can use my towels.
Fraser: Well thank you, but I’m afraid I’m not having a shower.
Francesca: Oh, don’t be silly it’s really no trouble. [to Vecchio] And don’t use all the hot water! [to Fraser] I’ll wait for mine.
Maria: Yeah, by the keyhole.
Francesca: You know I’ve really had enough of your mouth! [they exit]

[Fraser inspects the parasite using a compact, eyeglasses, and a flashlight]

Fraser: I could be wrong, Ray, but I’ve never seen this parasite in beef. Or pork for that matter.
Tony: I have a question for you. [turns on water at the sink for toothbrush]

Ray: [jumps away from the spray]  Hey, man! Shut that off!
Tony: What do you gotta do to be a Mountie?
Fraser: Well, Tony, there’s a whole battery of mental and physical tests you have to pass.
Tony: I can do that.
Maria: You can’t turn on the big screen without getting winded.
Tony: Who are you, Jane Fonda? [they exit]
Fraser: In fact, Ray, the only animal I’ve ever seen this on…It was horsemeat, Ray.
Mrs. Vecchio: [entering with a huge pot] I don’t know. These meatballs don’t seem quite right. I don’t know if it’s the oregano or the garlic. What’s missing? [Fraser sniffs]
Fraser: Beef.
Ray: Ma! Where’d you buy that meat?
Mrs. Vecchio: Petit’s Food Town. I think I know what’s wrong. [goes to taste it]
Ray: No-no-no! Ma! Don’t! It’s dog food!
Mrs. Vecchio: Dog food?!
Fraser: Possibly diseased.
Mrs. Vecchio: Move out of my way!
[dumps it into the toilet and flushes as Vecchio jumps out of shower, still dripping]

Ray: No! No! Ma! That was evidence!
Mrs. Vecchio: What am I gonna do for dinner? [exits, muttering in Italian]
Fraser: I’m afraid I was too late to get a specimen.
Ray: You know, this-this meat could be everywhere. [cell phone rings] Hi, it’s Vecchio… Yes, Mrs. Gamez, he’s right here.
Fraser: Hello Miss-- We’ll be right there.
Ray: We’ll be right where?!  I can’t go like this!!

[Gamez apartment; the children are being taken away]
Mrs. Gamez: Stop them please. Stop them!

Fraser: Excuse me, why is this happening?
Social Worker: We did a surprise inspection. There’s no hot water.
Mrs. Gamez: The landlord won’t fix the heater.
Social Worker: There’s evidence of vermin.
Mrs. Gamez: I begged him to call the exterminator. Please don’t take my children!
Social Worker: Mrs. Gamez, your boy could have died from that meat.
Fraser: Well, I may be able to shed some light on that.
Social Worker: Frankly, we believe her children will be safer under our umbrella right now. I’m sorry. [exits with children]
Mrs. Gamez: You promised you would help me. You didn’t.

[27^th precinct]
Ray: [on phone] No, no I understand that…Yeah, well, she should at least be able to see her kids…Right. Right…Well, how long will you be considering this? [Dief steals Vecchio’s donut] Yeah, well thanks. You have a great day too. [hangs up] Hey! Hey! Your deaf wolf just ate my jelly donut.
Fraser: He doesn’t like donuts.
Ray: Yeah, well maybe not yours. [to Dief] Come here. I know you did it.
Welsh: Vecchio. How you doing on that drugstore homicide on Polaski?

Ray: Uh, well, sir, you see, I’m uh, putting together the preliminary findings, and I’ve been combing over them, and I’m looking for that telltale thread that’s gonna give up the shooter.
Welsh: So I can assume you haven’t done anything.
Ray: Uh, that would be accurate, sir, but, uh, something has come up.
Welsh: Huey, Louie.
Gardino: Louis, sir.
Welsh: You get the Polaski case.
Huey: Yes, sir!
Ray: Aw, come on, sir!  You see, I’m working on this thing. It’s sort of a…how can I put it, sir?  Somebody is switching dog food for beef.
Welsh: Dog food, Vecchio? I assigned you to a dog food case?
Ray: Oh no, sir. But I believe I have a situation happening here, sir.
Welsh: Drop it.
Ray: Yes, sir.
Gardino: Dog food? Jack, why is it that you and I never come up with great cases like that?
Huey: I don’t know, Louis. I guess we just don’t have the nose for it.
Gardino: Or perhaps we don’t stay low enough to the ground to sniff it out.
Huey: Perhaps.
Ray: Come on, fellas.  Give yourselves a little more credit than that. You’re plenty low enough.
Gardino: Is that right, Vecchio?
Ray: Yeah. I mean sure. How else can you get your noses that lovely shade of brown?
Gardino: Maybe you and I should get together after work.
Ray: I don’t think so, Louie.  I got dinner plans.
Huey: Forget it, Louis. Come on.
Ray: [to Fraser]  Ya see? This is why - hello? hello? [Fraser finally looks up] This is why I don’t like to help you because I get humiliated.
Fraser: Well, I’m very sorry about that, Ray.
Ray: I’m a police detective. I don’t know from horses, all right? Give me pimps, give me drug dealers, give me something I know how to find!
Elaine: I hear you’re asking about horses. I did some checking and there’s a major auction going today at the grounds south of Arlington. I thought you’d want to know. [exits]
Fraser: Thank you very much, Elaine.
Ray: And what is it we have to go on? One little lousy bug? Has it ever occurred to you that you could be wrong?
Mr. Madison: You were right, Fraser. I have never seen this particular strain before, but it is definitely a kind of onchocerca cervicalis and it’s found only in horse meat.
Fraser: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Madison.
Mr. Madison: You’re welcome. [exits]
Ray: Something tells me that we’re onto something, and I’m not going to let him take this away from me. [to Welsh]  A moment of your time please, sir.
Welsh: [preparing to eat lunch]  Forget it.
Ray: Thank you, sir. [goes to leave]
Fraser: Ah, excuse me, sir.  Detective Vecchio believes that we have the potential for a major health crisis here, and there appears to be a strong indication of criminal intent.
Welsh: You really believe that.
Ray: Ah yes, I do, sir.
Welsh: Good. Go tell the FDA.
Ray: Is that a meatloaf sandwich sir?
Welsh: Yes, it is. Why?
Ray: Oh, no reason, sir. I was just wondering, does your wife shop at Petit’s Food Town?

[Welsh freezes just before taking a bite]
Welsh: All right, get on it.
Ray: Thank you very much, sir.
Fraser: Nicely done.
Ray: Same to you.
Fraser: Are you gonna check for priors on the supermarket owner?

Ray: On my way.

Fraser: I’ll be at the auction. Call me if you find anything.

Ray: Okay.

[fairgrounds]

[Stephanie Cabot passing out flyers… horse in a trailer rears & won’t come out]

Fraser: Excuse me. Excuse me!  Stand to one side. [places his jacket over the horse’s eyes, and leads the now calmed horse off the trailer]  She was just scared.

Man: Thanks.

Fraser: No problem.
Stephanie Cabot: Nice work! You just made it a whole lot easier for them to kill that beautiful horse. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses. Thank you. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses.
Fraser: Excuse me.  There’s nothing wrong with that horse.
Stephanie: There’s nothing wrong with half the horses they’re auctioning, except they’re going to be dog food by the weekend. Stop the slaughter, save the horses. Thank you. Stop the slaughter, save the horses.
Legget: You have quite a printing budget there, Miss Cabot.
Stephanie: Obviously not enough to stop butchers like you.
Legget: Oh, well then allow me to contribute.
Stephanie: I don’t want your blood money.
Legget: How you do overreact. I am a business man, Miss Cabot, and I provide a useful service.
Stephanie: You also grind up people’s pets and use them for filler.
Legget: I’m the buyer, not the seller. You might save some of that righteous indignation for the seller.
Stephanie: [laughs] Yes, well, believe me I do. [exits]

Legget: Mm-hmm. [to Fraser] You know what she needs, don’t you?
Fraser: Well yes. A world where people don’t value life by the pound.  Excuse me.

[auction]
Auctioneer: The auction is starting folks lets settle in. First horse weighs in at ten hundred eighty-eight pounds. The bidding starts at fifty. [bidding] Sold, 81 cents, Miss Cabot. This horse weighs eleven eighty. [bidding]

[outside the auction]
Ray: Anybody see a Mountie? 

[Zaleb Carney steps up into his personal space] 

Zaleb Carney: <ahem> [Vecchio doesn’t move] <Ahem>

Ray: You got a problem with something?
Carney: You oughta move your foot.
Ray: Maybe I don’t want to move my foot.
Carney: But if you don’t move your foot, I can’t get to that horse patty.
Ray: Why would you want that horse patty?
Carney: I’m not telling.
Ray: Tell me why you want that horse patty and maybe I’ll move my foot.
Carney: Never.
Ray: I’m a cop.
Carney: So what?
Ray: Do you want to serve time over a piece of manure?
Carney: I’d rather go to the chair than talk.
Ray: You know what I just decided? [Carney shakes his head] I’ve just decided you are so nuts, I’m gonna let you have that patty.

[auction]
Ray: Yo, Sergeant Preston. Yo, Sergeant Preston, I bring news from the trading post. Turns out our supermarket owner doesn’t have a record. He’s squeaky clean.
Fraser: I see.
Ray: He has a chain of stores but they’re barely breaking even. However, he did just buy a home for a million dollars cash. Oh, and Sam the lab guy wanted me to tell you that that bug you took off me only infects--
Fraser: Wild horses?
Ray: Very good!
Fraser: I was afraid of that.
Ray: Is that what these are?
Fraser: No. Wild horses would have a different angle of the foot. The hoof would grow out. It would be chipped on the outside.
Ray: Naturally.
Fraser: Also wild horses are protected. You can’t capture them or sell them.
Ray: So what happened? One just crawled into the dumpster and passed away?
Fraser: I don’t know, Ray. But it would appear we’re not going to find the answer here.
Ray: Great. I’ll get the car, you say goodbye to the babe.
Fraser: Babe? Oh you mean...
Ray: Yeah.
Fraser: Well I…There’s nothing…there’s nothing between us.
Ray: Yeah, I’m sure. [exits]
Fraser: [to man] I barely know her.
[Announcer introduces another horse]
Fraser: Isn’t that um...
Stephanie: Yes it is.

[bidding]
Auctioneer: All bids in, at ninety-five cents, all bids in?

Stephanie: Ninety-seven!
Auctioneer: I’m sorry, Miss Cabot, but you’re over your credit limit.
Stephanie: I’m out of money.
Auctioneer: Ninety-five cents, any other further advance, at ninety-five?
Stephanie: Take my car!
Auctioneer: I’m sorry Miss Cabot, the terms are cash. Ninety-five cents, all through and done at ninety-five?
Fraser: I have thirty.
Auctioneer: Sold. Legget Meats, ninety-five cents a pound.
Stephanie: Damn it!

 

[outside]
Fraser: Miss Cabot? Do you mind if I ask you can, uh, how you can afford...
Stephanie: I have my allowance.
Fraser: Oh I see. So you would be quite, quite...
Stephanie: Actually it’s my father who is quite quite. Fortunately he approves of how I’m spending the money.
Fraser: And now you’d be going to...
Stephanie: To sell my car. It was nice meeting you.
Fraser: Excuse me. I was wondering if, before you leave...Could I ask you a question?
Stephanie: Yes?
Fraser: Would it be possible for you to get me a breakdown of the various meat packers, the number of horses--

Stephanie: [laughs] You know that is the most unique come-on I have ever heard.
Fraser: I don’t follow you.
Stephanie: I’ll, uh, look into that for you.
Fraser: I’d appreciate that. And this is my address.
Stephanie: Fine.
Fraser: Drive safely. [she drives off] Seat belt!
Ray: That’s the guy who did it. [points to guy standing beside Legget]
Fraser: How do you know?
Ray: He looks like um...that actor.
Fraser: What actor?
Ray: Well, you know how on Barnaby Jones, you can always tell the bad guy because he’s played by that actor that you see a lot?

Fraser: Yes?
Ray: He looks like that actor. Trust me. They haven’t been able to fool me once.  Or maybe he did it. [points to Zaleb Carney]
Fraser: Ray? What’s a come-on?

 

[outside apartment building]

Fraser: This is it.
Ray: See you later.
Fraser: Oh, uh, would you mind dropping by my place and checking on Dief? He’s been in the apartment all day.
Ray: Oh great. I can’t wait to see what I’ll find.
Fraser: Thanks, Ray.
Ray: You owe me one.
Fraser: All right. [to the guys on the street] Afternoon, gentlemen.

[Gamez apartment]
Mrs. Gamez: They tell me he’s feeling much better. Thank you. I get to take them to the park today.
Fraser: I understand there’s going to be a hearing.
Mrs. Gamez: Yes, but everything is going to be okay. I’m going to win and keep my children.

Fraser: I’m sure you will. I admire your spirit. You know, there’s a story I keep forgetting to tell Mario.
Mrs. Gamez: I’m sure he would have liked it.
Fraser: I learned it when I was a little boy. About an Inuit warrior named Nakook who became terrified of another warrior from a neighboring village. So terrified that he decided to abandon his home and run, and every night he would build a small hut to stay in. But each of these one-night homes was weak, and he didn’t have the time to make them strong.  And so when his enemy finally found him, Nakook had nothing to protect himself, and he was lost.
Mrs. Gamez: That’s a sad story.
Fraser: Yes, it is. [goes to closet to find it bare]
Mrs. Gamez: How did you know?
Fraser: The family pictures are gone. You can’t run, Margarita.
Mrs. Gamez: I’m so scared. I’m so scared they’re going to keep my children. I was going to take them.
Fraser: I told you. I will help you.
Mrs. Gamez: I can’t wait forever to have them back. I just can’t!
Fraser: Justice will out. I promise you.

[street; Vecchio is eating a Hostess chocolate cupcake and walking Dief on a leash]
Ray: [to Dief] Don’t even think about it, okay? Don’t even think about it, all right? Just do what you gotta do so I can get outta here, okay? You know why you can’t go, don’t you? It’s all that sugar. Remember that the next time you try to eat something of mine. This is what happens to bad wolves…Come on! Think results here, go, will ya? Never mind. Come on, we need to go see somebody. Come on, come on, we gotta go see somebody.  In the car!!  [they get in] Move over, move over. [they speed off]

[fairgrounds; the stables]
Ray: Yo! Manure man!
Zaleb Carney: Leave me alone.
Ray: Look I just came to apologize. I shoulda never said you were nuts. You obviously do this for a very good reason, and you probably make a pretty good living at it, too.
Carney: You’re not thinking of going into this yourself?
Ray: You mean scooping? I have no immediate plans.
Carney: An excellent living.
Ray: Really!
Carney: I collect and sell it for fertilizer.
Ray: So you must know your--
Carney: Like nobody else.
Ray: So where do you find it all?

Carney: Stables, pony rides. But they’re not my biggest source.
Ray: Meat packing plants.
Carney: The mother load.
Ray: Let me ask you a question. Have you noticed any subtle differences in the product at these various plants?
Carney: I’ll check my database.
Ray: Great: Here’s my card. Give me a call.  And to show my appreciation, I’m gonna point out that you missed something really nice behind that bucket there.
Carney: Why, thank you!

[5:03 am, Dief is in the bed, Fraser is on the floor… Stephanie throws rocks at Fraser’s window – she’s got 2 horses]
Stephanie: You don’t have a phone.
Fraser: Thank you. You came all the way here to tell me that?
Stephanie: No. I got the information you asked me for.
Fraser: Ah. Ah. You want to come up? …Oh. [bonks head on windowsill]  I’ll be right down. [bonks head again]

 

[riding slowly through city streets. Music: ‘Uphill Battle’ by Sarah McLachlan.]

Fraser: Were you just in the neighborhood?
Stephanie: More or less. I go for a ride every morning.
Fraser: Are these yours?
Stephanie: I’m getting quite a collection! Most I find homes for, but some are harder to give up than others.
Fraser: You said you had some information for me.
Stephanie: Yeah, I did. [turns down a street, Fraser follows] Hey! So my sources told me the six major meat packers had a pretty consistent purchase rate over the last several months.
Fraser: Well if they’re bringing in wild horses, they’re being very quiet about it.
Stephanie: Wild horses?
Fraser: I think they’re stealing them from protected ranges.
Stephanie: Why would someone take a risk like that?
Fraser: Thousands of pounds of free horse meat at two dollars a pound?
Stephanie: Someone’s making a fortune.
Fraser: Exactly. So uh, you come here often? No, I didn’t mean it to sound like that. What I meant was, uh, it’s an unusual place. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Stephanie: Race you to the second light!

[she takes off… looks back when she sees he’s not following – he has stopped for a red light!]

[outside consulate; Fraser is doing guard duty]
Ray: You’re off in thirty seconds, let’s go…Okay let’s do this your way. Old Zaleb came through for us. He remembers detecting some very subtle changes in the horse manure at a particular plant. Did you want to hear which one? Do the words Barnaby Jones mean anything to you? 5 – 4 – 3 – [bell gongs & Fraser comes to life]
Fraser: No matter what you say, you cannot base an investigation on a theory developed from the casting of a television series.
Ray: You’re just mad because I was right.
Fraser: No. I’m not mad, it just doesn’t make any sense.
Ray: Oh, and putting horse meat on your nose does?
Fraser: Well, that was different.
Ray: Pfff!  You’re telling me.

[night; outside meat packing plant in Riv]
Ray: Boy, let me tell you, it doesn’t get any better than this. Sitting in the car with Captain Hook watching ill-fated horses swat flies off their back. Thank you very much.
Fraser: [looking through small telescope] They just passed inspection. No wild horses.
Ray: Hey. My source can look at Palomino dung and tell you where they’ve been born, all right? He wouldn’t be wrong about something like this. They’ll be here. You just keep your eyes open.

~~~

Fraser: Ray. Ray.
Ray: [waking up]  What?
Fraser: Those are wild horses. They’re brought in uninspected. Their meat is mixed with a little beef, then packaged and shipped off to cooperating supermarkets.

Ray: But some of the horses are diseased.

Fraser: Can we get backup?
Ray: On a dog food case?
Fraser: Then we’ll have to do it ourselves.
Ray: Do what by ourselves?
Fraser: Dief. Stay.
Ray: Where you going?

[inside the plant, on stairs]
Ray: So what’s the plan? We take some pictures, I.D. the bad guys and send out subpoenas, right?
Fraser: Or we stop them.

[into the warehouse; they hide behind cart]
Ray: There must be thirty guys.
Fraser: Tide always goes out, Ray.
Ray: Yeah and I always get sucked right out with it.
[cart is moved]
Fraser: Good evening. [punches guy in the stomach]
Thug:  [draws gun]  Hold it!
Fraser: Better run.

Thug: Come on!
[thugs open fire as they escape down the stairs]

Ray: Yeah, what was I so worried about?
Thugs: Come on!. Lets go, come on!. There they are. Joe! Greg. Come over here!
[all exits are guarded; they go through a door]
Ray: No, no! Lock it. Lock it!

Packer: We got ‘em.

[the door is locked from the outside]
Fraser: They just did.

[Fraser flicks on the overhead lights – they’re in the meat locker]
Packer: Get Legget on the horn.

[he turns the temperature all the way down and flicks off the lights]
Fraser: Well, it’s a dry cold.

Ray: How many do you think are still out there?
Fraser: I’d say all thirty.
Ray: Man, what are they waiting for?
Fraser: The mob can’t change directions without a leader, Ray. If he was here they would have acted already.
Ray: Ah, the hell with it. We’re breaking out of here.
Fraser: No I don’t think that’s--

[Vecchio shoots a clip into the door, grinning widely]

Fraser: Ray. That door is galvanized steel and I just--

[Vecchio gets his ankle gun & shoots again several times…the door is intact]
Ray: We’re dead, right?
Fraser: Not yet. We’ve been in here 19 and a half minutes. The temperature is sub zero and dropping rapidly. I’d say we have roughly 37 minutes.
Ray: Oh great. I’ll just relax, cause I’m sure they’ll come shoot us before then.
Fraser: You know, Ray, the Inuit have ways of dealing with extreme conditions. Ruling out cannibalism, we have two options.
Ray: I can’t wait to hear this.
Fraser: The first is close body contact. We hug each other tightly, exchanging body heat. That should give us ten minutes.

Ray: So what’s the second?
~~~
Ray: Some people die in their sleep. Others die making love to a beautiful woman. I am going to die wrapped in meat.

[they are wearing the meat as coats; Vecchio also wears the Stetson]
Fraser: Don’t talk, Ray. You’re expending body heat.
Ray: I’m going to freeze to death inside My Friend Flicka.  Fraser?
Fraser: Yes, Ray?  [looks over at Vecchio, who is very still]  Uh-oh.

[outside of plant]
Legget: This better be real important.
Packer: We got a cop and a Mountie in the freezer.
Legget: [laughs] Hey that’s what I love about the meat business. Bring something new everyday. What are you doing here, Petit?
Packer: He’s refusing to pick up his shipment.
Petit: I have a chain of stores to worry about. I don’t need this.
Legget: Uh-huh. But everybody needs a barrel of cash, don’t they, Norm?  [all go to the freezer] How long they been in there?
Packer: Over an hour and a half.
Legget: Oh they’re dead. Shoot em anyway and get ‘em out of here. You got a problem, Norm?
Petit: Sick kids, dead Mounties? Yeah, yeah, I’d say I’ve got a problem.
Legget: You want out, Norm?
Petit: Yeah.
Legget: Well, why not. Plenty more supermarkets out there.
Petit: Thanks, Vince.
Legget: Okay, you got it. [packer clubs Petit over the head]  I do love this business. Give him and those copcicles a ride on the conveyor. And how about doing some work around here?!

[the thugs jump into a flurry of activity]

[several of them hang an unconscious Petit from a hook, and others enter the freezer]
Thug: God. I have this dream about dying wrapped in frozen meat.

Packer: Shoot ‘em!
[Fraser springs to life and takes down all the thugs coming after him… Thug shoots, and Fraser uses Vecchio as a shield… Fraser ushers Vecchio quickly out of the freezer] 

Ray: He shot me!
Fraser: The bullet couldn’t penetrate the frozen meat.

[Fraser locks the freezer door behind them & turns up the temperature]
Ray: You used me as a human shield. [whispers] (I can’t believe you did that!)
Fraser: (Quiet!)  [spies Petit hanging from hook]  Come on.
Ray: Hey!
Fraser: Sorry. [takes off Vecchio’s meat jacket & takes his Stetson back]
[Music: ‘Horses’ (original score)] 

Ray: Oh, God. [moving slowly & stiffly]
Fraser: Keep moving, Ray.
Ray: Oh God. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ugh!  [sits on stairs]

[Fraser rushes into the processing area, following Petit on his hook; fights & defeats 7 guys trying to stop him; Vecchio eventually follows… two thugs put Petit on the conveyor belt leading into the grinder… after a scuffle, Fraser stops the conveyor]
Leggett: That’s it, you are dead.
Ray: I don’t think so!

[Vecchio lowers a bone saw and cuts the barrel of Legget’s rifle off; Legget tries to leave but Dief leaps on him]
Legget: Get this thing off of me!
Fraser: You should be nicer to animals.

[Fraser’s apartment building]
Fraser: Well, that’s the last of it.
Mrs. Gamez: Let me take it.
Fraser: No, no, no. I’ve got it.
Mrs. Gamez: I want to thank you again for making this possible.
Stephanie: It was no trouble.
Mrs. Gamez: And I really want to thank him for everything he has done. In fact, I want to give him a *big* hug, but I’m afraid I will wrinkle him.
Stephanie: I know what you mean.
Fraser: All right, I put the photographs on the mantle.
Dennis: Nice job. Now don’t forget, it’s 425 dollars at the beginning of the month.
Fraser: Didn’t you say 375?
Dennis: Yeah. Well. I was adding on for the utilities, and…
Fraser: Oh. I thought you said that the utilities were included.
Dennis: Yeah. I had to rent to a Mountie. [exits]
Mrs. Gamez: I am sorry, I just can’t help myself! [hugs him] Thank you. Thank you for my children.
Fraser: No, no. you don’t have to thank me.

[stairwell]
Mario: He used you as a human shield?
Ray: Yeah, and there was just two inches of frozen Pinto between me and a bullet.
Mario: Wow! Then what happened?
Fraser: Ray? We have to get that trailer back.
Mario: I only wish I could hear more about your adventures as a police officer.
Ray: Well, I’d like that too. Good luck with your new apartment, Mrs. Gamez.
Mrs. Gamez: Thank you.
Ray: And Mario, you stay in school. [Mario nods, and Vecchio exits]
Fraser: Thanks. I think you really made his day.
Mario: It’s okay, he actually was interesting.
Fraser: Really. Hmm. [turns to Stephanie]  Well uh, goodbye.
Stephanie: I’m going riding tomorrow morning, you up for it?
Fraser: You mean to discuss your testimony?
Stephanie: Yeah.
Fraser: Yeah. Yeah I’d love to.
Stephanie: Good!
Fraser: Goodbye.
[walking downstairs]
Ray: I still don’t believe you did that.
Fraser: It was perfectly safe, Ray.
Ray: Oh yeah, what? Did you practice this on your last partner, Billy ‘Swiss Cheese’ McCallister?
Fraser: Granted, it was an unusual tactic, but I got the notion from a young cadet who lashed a caribou to his chest. Unfortunately, it was unrelated to police work.

 

End