One Good Man
aka Thank you Kindly, Mr.
Capra
[Fraser’s apartment
building]
[Fraser runs a white-gloved finger over the door jam, then
a man’s cap brim; he checks on the man fixing the bathroom
sink, which promptly breaks, shooting water everywhere; he
touches the inside of a grate, getting black gunk on his
forefinger; he extends his (clean) pinky instead and holds
it
up]
Fraser: I’d
like to congratulate all of you. You’ve done a wonderful
job.
Mr. Mustafi: I
told you. A little dusting, a little painting, the whole
building good as new!
Fraser: Right
you are.
Ray: It’s
dirty.
Fraser: Yes, I
know, Ray, but I’m trying to encourage them.
Mr. Klein:
Tasteful, huh?
Fraser: Yes, it
is, Mr. Klein. I’m sure that Mr. Taylor will appreciate
it.
Ray: Appreciate
what, rat-infested wall covering?
Fraser:
Ray!
Ray: Look, the
basement is flooded, the roof is leaking, and the
floorboards are rotted out. Who’s the rocket scientist who
convinced them to redecorate?
[Fraser stops to
look at him]
Of
course.
Fraser: Well, I
convinced them, Ray, that we’d show the new landlord that
he made a very wise investment, not just in the building
but in the tenants themselves.
Ray: And did
you check him out?
Fraser: Well,
of course, Ray. I met him at the laundromat, which he
owns, along with a string of 27 other cleaning
establishments. I complimented him on his 25-cent
all-you-can-dry policy. We fell to talking. He seems very
sincere. He’s meeting with Mr. Potter this afternoon to
conclude the sale agreement. Cash, isn’t it, Dennis?
Dennis: The
full asking price.
Ray: Yeah,
Potter must be thrilled. The old weasel hasn’t spent more
than $1.98 on this place since you moved in.
Dennis: Hey, I
object to my employer being characterized in such a
fashion.
Ray: Being a
fellow rodent, I expected you
would.
[outside]
Ray: This whole
neighborhood’s a slum. Cleaning up one building is like
dropping a good apple in a barrel full of bad ones. You
can’t win.
Fraser: You
know, Ray, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single step.
Ray: Your
grandmother teach you that?
Fraser:
Yes.
Ray: If you
think Taylor’s going to be an improvement, you got another
think coming.
[Taylor drives
up]
Wow!
Fraser: Mr.
Taylor. [drops a
coin into the parking
meter]
It’s good to see you.
Taylor: Ben,
how are you?
Fraser: I’m
very well, thank you. If you’d care to join us inside?
This is my friend, Detective Raymond Vecchio.
Ray: ‘66
T-bird? ‘72 Riviera.
Taylor: A Riv.
Mint?
Ray: Uh, was.
I’ve gone through a couple of them recently.
Fraser: They
were blown up.
Ray: You don’t
happen to know where I might--
Taylor: I’ll
keep an eye out for you.
Fraser: Well,
shall we?
[to
Vecchio]
Nice guy.
[inside]
Man in
elevator: Going up?
Taylor: I
thought this was junk.
Man: Hey! You
watch how you talk about somebody’s home.
Fraser: I took
the liberty of having it repaired.
Taylor: Well
done.
Man:
[blocking Fraser’s
entrance]
Sorry. Maximum of three allowed....Third floor.
[Taylor steps out, greeted by a bevy of
residents]
Taylor:
Congratulate me, Constable. I’ve just made an excellent
investment.
[cheers and
applause]
[Fraser & Vecchio step into the vacated
elevator]
Dennis: Allow
me to add my congratulations.
Fraser: Thank
you, Dennis.
Dennis: And
this.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly. [reads
the paper]
There must be some mistake.
Dennis: Nope.
Taylor hired me to stay on as super, and I never make
mistakes.
[elevator goes
up]
Ray: So he’s
going to raise the rent.
Fraser: Yes.
One thousand dollars per month per unit.
Ray:
What?
Fraser: He
can’t do that, can he?
Ray: No, not if
you have a lease.
Fraser:
Ah.
Ray: You do
have a lease, don’t
you?
[they arrive
upstairs, and residents are looking quite
angry] I’m
going to take that as a
‘no.’
[garage; a green Riv is on the lift; Fraser inspects
it]
Fraser: I told
them not to pay the increase, Ray. It’s unfair, and if
it’s not illegal, it’s at the very least unethical.
Ray: Good. So
when do you move?
Fraser: Oh,
we’re not moving. We’re going to exercise our
rights.
Ray: Yeah,
well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to exercise mine.
Bubbles, Al. If you let the paint dry too fast you get
bubbles. So what we have here is either the work of
someone who lacks a keen appreciation for a good finish,
or someone who has a bad eye for bubbles.
Al: Fine. Two
bubbles? I’ll knock off a quarter.
Ray: Hey, you
got to do better than that.
Fraser: They
can’t afford an increase, Ray.
Ray: So
move.
Fraser: No,
we’re not moving.
Ray: Look, both
you and I know you got to turn this baby over, Al.
Al: Ray, you’re
beating me up here. I’m bleeding all over the floor.
Fraser: I got
them into this, Ray.
Ray: No, what
you did was you helped them clean up that hellhole. If
they want any more help than that, you tell them to call
‘60 Minutes.’
Fraser: Every
person has the right to a roof over their head.
Ray: Yeah, as
long as they can pay the
rent. What is
that? Is that rust, Al? Do I see rust there?
Al: That’s
primer.
Ray: Yeah, and
if I was wearing a dress, I’d be a woman.
Fraser: Ohh,
dear.
Ray: Ohh, dear.
What do we have here? Oh, yeah, will you look at that,
huh? Huh? What do you say now, Al?
Al: Okay, I’ll
drop off 500, but that’s it.
Fraser: Now
that would make the final price, umm... Oh, well, how much
can a frame be worth anyway?
Ray:
Frame?
Fraser: Yeah.
It’s spot-welded. It’s quite excellent work. Except for
the slight contour on the brazing here, you really
wouldn’t know that this car had been severed in half. I’m
sure there’s still a lot of it salvageable.
Ray: So, Al.
What do you have to say for yourself before I bring you
downtown?
Al: Ray, he’s
your cousin.
Ray: He’s twice
removed.
Angie: Still
driving that same old hunk of junk, huh?
Ray:
Ange.
Angie: Don’t
let me interrupt. Just a woman with a dead Mustang. Hey,
Al. Try to remember to put the oil cap back on,
okay?
Al: Sure,
Ange.
[she kisses Vecchio on the
cheek]
Angie: See
ya.
[outside]
Fraser: Perhaps
you’re not ready to replace your old car.
[they get into a blue
loaner]
Ray:
[sighs]
She’s a friend.
Fraser: I
see.
Ray: And it’s
none of your business.
Fraser:
Understood.
[City
Hall]
Ray: City Hall,
are you crazy?
Fraser: They
have a responsibility to protect the rights of all urban
dwellers.
Ray: Fraser,
how many of those mutants who live in your building do you
think actually vote?
Fraser: Ray,
City Hall has a responsibility to govern and protect all
of its citizens whether they vote or not. It is called a
social contract.
Ray: Yeah,
well, maybe in Canada there’s an igloo for every Eskimo
and a seal in every pot, but here in America, if it
doesn’t get votes, it’s dog meat.
[cubicle]
Fraser: Excuse
me.
Clerk:
[reading a
paper]
Make it good.
Ray: We have a
complaint.
Fraser: No, we
don’t.
Clerk: Which is
it?
Fraser: We have
an injustice.
Clerk:
Injustice is down the hall.
[points]
Fraser:
Ah.
Ray: Look,
Benny, if you want some help you’re going to have to
register a dispute.
Fraser: You
sure?
Ray: Yes,
that’s what they do here. They handle disputes.
Fraser: I won’t
be making a fuss?
Ray: Well, of
course you will. That’s the whole point.
Fraser: Ahh. I
don’t have to raise my voice, do I?
Ray: Look,
there’s no polite way to dispute. You just jump right in
there.
Fraser: I
see.
Ray:
Okay.
Fraser:
Okay.
Ray: Let’s
go.
Fraser:
[clears
throat] I
demand...Well, no, I don’t. I-I respectfully request,
um....Well, no, actually, just speaking strictly for
myself, I- Ray?
Ray: We have a
slumlord who’s trying to illegally evict a whole building
full of poor people.
Fraser: Thank
you.
Clerk: If
that’s the best you can do. Fill this out. Take it
upstairs to Room 232. You’ll need a buck for
processing.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
[office1: Vecchio hands Clerk2 a dollar, she hands it to Fraser as she takes the paper & hands it to Vecchio]
[office2: Vecchio holds out dollar, Fraser holds out paper; Clerk3 takes them, then hands dollar to Fraser & paper to Vecchio]
[office3: they hold out the paper & dollar, Clerk4 takes them, hands them back, and points back they way they came... Vecchio smiles at her]
[elevator: businessman gets on]
Fraser : Ah.
[puts out the dollar, which gets pinched by the closing doors]
[cubicle: Fraser holds out dollar to Clerk1, who pointedly goes back to reading her paper]
[Fraser’s apartment;
tenant’s meeting]
Fraser: Well,
it’s-it’s not as bleak as it seems.
Mr. Klein: Did
you get our rent lowered?
Fraser:
No.
Mrs. Garcia: A
new landlord?
Fraser: No, I’m
afraid not.
Mr. Mustafi:
Anything?
Fraser: Well,
not exactly, but I do think it’s time for us to retain
legal counsel.
Voices: We
can’t afford a lawyer... It’s too expensive...
Mr. Klein : You got us into this.
Elevator
Man
: He’s got a point.
Fraser: I
realize that, but I firmly believe--
[accepts note from
Dennis]
Thank you.
Dennis: I’d
read it first. [runs
out]
Mr. Mustafi:
What? More rent?
Fraser: No.
[reading]
We are hereby notified that payment is
past due, and with service of this notice, our occupancy
of these premises has been terminated.
Elevator Man:
What does it mean?
Fraser: It
means we’ve been
evicted.
[Riv; outside “Chicago Guardian”
building]
Ray: She’s not
gonna help you. This is small potatoes and she’s a big
journalist.
Fraser: Well,
she was very helpful the last time, as I recall.
Ray: Well, last
time she thought you were a fraud. Fraud sells newspapers.
Do-gooders do not.
Fraser: You
know, Ray, I think you’re underestimating her. Everyone
loves an underdog.
Ray: Yeah,
everybody’s not Mackenzie King. I’ll wait.
Fraser: There’s
no need.
Ray: You’ll be
back in 30 seconds.
Fraser: I’ll be
fine.
Ray: All right.
[Fraser exits with
Dief]
Man in
backseat: Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a
test drive.
Ray: Just keep
your shirt on,
pal.
[Mackenzie King’s
office]
King: Bagels,
Warren. Not muffins, not cheese danish. Just a plain
honest-to-God water bagel.
Warren: You
know, Mackenzie, there are reporters in Korea who would
thank their boss for bringing them a rice-coated water
beetle--
King: Warren,
sweetie, I would eat a beetle for you any day...on a
bagel.
Fraser:
<ahem>
King: Well,
now, here is a man who knows how to save a damsel in
distress. You know what a bagel looks like, don’t you,
Fraser?
Fraser: Uh,
yes, I am acquainted with them.
[Dief sniffs around
pastry
box]
Diefenbaker! I’m terribly sorry, Mr. Knoop, he’s, um,
rude.
Warren: Are you
kidding? I was just about to offer him a job.
Fraser: Miss
King. Would you accompany me to lunch?
King:
[to
Warren]
Forget the bagel.
Warren: Excuse
me? Excuse me? Do I pay you to take Mounties out to lunch?
I don’t think so. I think I pay you to sit at that desk,
work the phones, and come up with stories that’ll sell
papers. Am I making myself clear?
King:
[to
Fraser]
Excuse me a minute, please?
Fraser:
Yes.
King:
Thanks.
[she enters &
slams the door...raised voices...things thrown...she opens
the door smiling]
King: I’m ready
now.
Fraser: Ah. All
right.
King:
Thanks.
[demonstration outside office
building]
Voices: No, no,
no! We won’t go! No, no, no! Taylor’s got to go!
King: This is
what I’m going to win a Pulitzer Prize for? Laurel, Hardy,
and the cast of ‘Mother Courage’?
Fraser: They’re
a small group, but they’re very dedicated.
King: They’re
pathetic, Fraser.
Fraser: Yes,
but in a good way. Another bagel?
King: Oy!
Fraser: Where
are the others?
Woman: I caught
Mr. Cooper sneaking off with his bags packed. Some of the
others, too. I had to drag the rest of them here.
Fraser: Thank
you. [a limo
arrives, surrounded by men in
trenchcoats]
Mr. Taylor, I’ve been trying to reach you.
Taylor:
Constable, good to see you. Is this really
necessary?
Fraser: Well,
yes. You see, apparently there has been a
misunderstanding, wherein you raised their rent beyond the
capacity of the tenants to pay it. And apparently the
superintendent is trying to have them evicted.
Taylor: The
building isn’t rent-controlled, is it?
Fraser: Well,
no.
Taylor: And
they were given the full five days allowable by law to
meet the rent increase?
Fraser:
Yes.
Taylor: Is it
illegal for a businessman to make a profit on an
investment?
Fraser: You’re
taking away these people’s homes.
Taylor: You
told me you wanted to improve your neighborhood. Last week
I purchased four tenements on your block. Two of them were
condemned. The other two should have been. I’m going to
replace them with condominiums. And when I’m through, your
neighborhood is going to be one of the finest in downtown
Chicago.
Fraser: You
intend to demolish the entire block.
Taylor: Six
blocks.
Fraser: What
about the tenants?
Taylor: Anybody
who can afford the new buildings is welcome.
Fraser: But
they can’t.
Taylor: I know.
Fraser, who do you think is putting the garbage in your
halls to begin
with?
[King snaps a
picture]
Miss King, how are things at the Guardian? I haven’t read
my stockholder’s report lately.
King:
[chuckles]
Don’t tell me. You’re the guy who voted
out the free bagel delivery, right?
Taylor: It’s a
pleasure.
King: I’m sure.
[Taylor
exits]
John Taylor? I should call Warren now. He’s going to fire
me.
Fraser: You
think our chances are slim?
King: Do you
see this building? Donald Trump couldn’t afford it. You
are one man in a red suit.
Fraser: Yes. I
see what you mean.
[joins the
demonstration]
King: Whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait. You watch a lot of movies growing up in
Oopik or wherever you come from?
Fraser:
Some.
King: ‘It’s a
Wonderful Life,’ right?
Fraser: Yes,
actually. Thirty-two times.
King:
Huh?
Fraser: It was
the reverend’s favorite film. Well, that and ‘The Passion
of Joan of Arc.’
King: No, you
see, that’s why movies are dangerous, Fraser. They take
young minds and twist them into believing things like-like
courage, and hope, and one man can make a difference. This
may come as a shock to you and the reverend, but real life
is not a Frank Capra movie! Real life is money, and bank
accounts, and politicians. People who pretend it’s not,
end up out here in the streets with people like them! Are
you listening?
Fraser: Not
really, no.
King: Aish!
You’re a bad influence on me,
Bento.
[to
demonstrators]
No smiling. What’s the matter, doesn’t anybody
limp?
[Taylor’s
office]
Taylor: Dennis,
do you know the story of the three bears?
Dennis: The
three bears?
Taylor: They
went out picketing and left their homes unattended.
Someone came along and shut off their heat. Cut off their
electricity. Backed up their plumbing. Changed all the
locks.
Dennis:
Goldilocks?
Taylor: It’s an
analogy.
Dennis: Ah.
It’s cold out.
Taylor: Who
would you rather be, Goldilocks or one of the
bears?
[Fraser’s apartment building]
[Fraser presses button for elevator, then sees the Out Of
Order
sign]
Fraser:
[to
Dief]
Well, come on. Don’t lollygag.
[they walk
up]
Man on stairs:
Good evening, Mr. Fraser.
[Fraser’s apartment; he prepares dinner (pancakes)... Dennis shuts off the gas... Unable to cook, Fraser dumps the batter into Dief’s bowl]
[bathroom; Fraser is lathered up & begins to shave... Dennis shuts off the water]
[apartment; Fraser is in bed, reading... Dennis shuts off the electricity, then puts a padlock on the box]
Fraser
: ‘These are the times that try men’s souls.’ Thomas
Paine. He wrote books. The Rights of Man, among
others. Good
night.
[Dief noses under
the
covers]
Stop stealing the blanket.
[Dief
whines]
You’re an Arctic wolf, for God’s sake.
[Dief
grumbles]
You’re getting soft. I hope you realize that.
[disturbance in the
hallway; Fraser rushes out, to find thugs are breaking
things and tormenting his neighbor, while other residents
watch]
Jack: You
better clear out.
Mr. Klein : Hey, that’s mine! Look, I don’t care who you guys are, you can’t come in here and break my stuff.
[Fraser grabs thug’s arm & forces him to drop the
stained glass lamp (which Mr. Klein
catches)]
Fraser: Thank
you kindly. Now perhaps you and your friend could vacate
this apartment building.
Jack: Sorry, no
can do.
Fraser: Do you
live here?
Rushton: We do
now. This apartment. I guess somebody forgot to pay his
rent!
[*click* as Jack
brandishes a switchblade]
[Dief
snarls]
Fraser:
Diefenbaker.
Rushton: Jack,
put that away. You’re going to scare our new
neighbors.
Thug 3: Hey, is
this yours? [drops
the vase:
*crash*]
Guess you forgot it.
Rushton: We’ll
be seeing you, neighbor.
[thugs enter the
apartments; Dennis slinks away; all the residents can do
is watch]
[loaner
car]
Ray: Rushton,
Hererra, and Goldman. None of ‘em have ties to Taylor.
None of ‘em on parole. No outstanding warrants.
Fraser: What
about Mr. Klein’s furniture?
Ray: He refused
to move it. They had the permission of the landlord. I
mean, it’s cruel but it’s not illegal.
Fraser: So
there’s nothing the police can do?
Ray: Well, I
can bring ‘em in for questioning, give Taylor a warning.
But sooner or later, if he wants you out, he’s going to
throw you out.
[Vecchio wipes off the window condensation to see out;
Angie leaves Al’s garage & gets into her
Mustang]
Fraser: A
friend?
Ray: Yeah.
[pause]
She’s also my ex-wife.
Fraser:
Oh.
[pause]
Ray:
What?
Fraser:
Nothing.
[they drive
off]
Ray: Why are
you in this car with me?
Fraser: Because
you said you’d drive me.
Ray: Oh, no, I
didn’t.
Fraser: Oh,
yes, you did.
Ray: Well, I’ve
changed my mind.
Fraser: Ah,
well.
[Fraser opens the passenger
door]
Ray: What are
you do-- [Vecchio
slams on the
brakes]
Just shut the door, will ya?! Okay, shut the
door!
[Fraser’s apartment building; there is a ruckus upstairs,
Dief comes down & barks at Fraser, and Mackenzie King
tumbles downstairs into Fraser’s
arms]
Fraser:
Hi.
King : You want to get in on the action here? We got a deadline.
[upstairs; Rushton is padlocking Mr. Mustafi’s
door]
Mr. Mustafi:
No! No lockouts here. See? Right here in the pamphlet. No
lockouts permitted by law.
Rushton: This
ain’t no lockout. You people got rats in these apartments.
You gotta wait for the exterminators.
Mrs.
Krezjapolov: You put these rats in here! I saw
you!
Dennis:
[stops
Fraser]
No, no, no. This is all legal. Mr. Taylor says everything
happening here is legal.
Fraser: Mr.
Taylor lies.
Mr. Mustafi:
They come into our apartments and said we broke the
plumbing and wrecked everything. It’s not true. Most of
the things, they were wrecked when we came in.
Mrs. Garcia: He
broke my window and he said I did it.
Voices: Yeah...
Yes... Yes...
Dennis: What
are you doing?
[Fraser breaks fire
glass & removes the axe]
Hey, don’t,
don’t do that!
King: All
right, all right, now we’re talking.
[snaps pictures as
Fraser goes to break the lock]
Man : Fraser, look out!!
[Jack hits Fraser, others start to fight as Mom ushers
kids
away]
King: Aim for
his head next time, I could use the blood.
[continues taking
pictures]
[Fraser is thrown through his own door, and he &
Rushton fight throughout apartment while Mackenzie King
snaps away... suddenly Mom screams – she and her kids are
trapped in the
elevator]
Mother: It’s
going to fall!
Voices
: The cable’s been cut! They jammed the door!
Fraser: Call
the fire department!
Mother: Open
it! Open it, open it!
[the child screams; thugs rush over with everybody else, and are stunned]
Man : [to thugs] You did this. You did this! [the crowd turns on the men]
[a bolt gives way, and the elevator slips... Fraser muscles the door open...]
Mother [to child] Go with him, go with him!
[Fraser gets her, as her backpack drops down the
shaft]
King:
[taking the
child]
You’re okay.
[Fraser gets the door the rest of the way open & gets
into the elevator...King gets out her camera...the
elevator slips below the
floor]
Fraser: It’s
all right, it’s all right.
Voices
: It’s okay!
Gimme your hand! Don’t worry! Come on out! Take it easy!
We got you! [the
crowd pulls the mother
out]
Fraser!!
[the cable snaps
completely & the elevator plunges down... Fraser leaps
out onto the floor below...the elevator lands at the
bottom with a crash... Dennis peeks down the shaft, then
rushes off; the mother hugs her child, crying]
King : [elbowing] Excuse me, excuse me, folks. [peering down the shaft with her camera] Fraser!
[he pokes his head out from the floor
below]
[outside; thugs are being taken away in patrol
cars]
Ray: I spoke
with Taylor. He claims he never heard of Rushton or the
other two. Said the super must have put them up to
it.
Fraser: No.
Dennis is stupid, he’s not that stupid.
King: Well,
Taylor isn’t, either. We’re not going to have any
convenient check stubs to tie him to this.
Fraser: Mr.
Mustafi! Look,
it’s all right. They’re not going to be back.
Mr. Mustafi:
Tonight maybe. What about tomorrow? Am I supposed to sit
in my apartment and wait for somebody to try to kill me?
[puts all his
belongings into a taxi]
Fraser: If you
leave now, you will lose your home. The best thing we can
do is stand here and fight.
Mr. Mustafi:
You fight. I’m not like you.
Elevator Man:
Some things you can fix. Some things maybe you shouldn’t
try.
[Potter’s
home]
Fraser: I
appreciate you seeing me, Mr. Potter.
Potter: You
want something.
Fraser: Yes,
sir, I do. My neighbors, your former tenants, they’re
being evicted from their homes. It would appear that Mr.
Taylor has been less than honest about his
intentions.
Potter: How
disappointing. [he’s
playing a Gameboy]
Fraser: Uh,
yes, it is. He intends to demolish the building. The
entire block, in fact.
Potter: And
this gives you pause, huh? You’re beginning to wonder if
you did the right thing.
Fraser: No,
sir.
Potter:
Nonsense! You saw glory. Little people rising up, throwing
off the yoke of tyranny, hmm? But people don’t like to
succeed, Fraser. It’s a lot of responsibility.
[wheels out from
behind the desk, then sorts out pills while he
talks]
Think of it. You tell a man he’s going to die, he can
accept that. You’ve given him a certainty. And you ask
that same man to take a gamble, to risk everything he has,
even if the prize is the Fountain of Youth itself, he’d
sooner roll over in the ditch than take that chance.
Fraser: Not
every man.
Potter: No, no,
no. Some are just plain dense, like you.
Fraser: Sir, I
would like you to buy the building back from Mr.
Taylor.
Potter: You
would.
Fraser: Yes, I
would, sir.
Potter: And
waste money on lawyer’s fees? Don’t be stupid. I made a
handsome profit on that sale. As for the building, it’s a
dump, not worth the land it’s standing on. If I hadn’t
found me a buyer, I’d have razed it myself, just to save
the taxes. Ha ha. You can leave now. Throw another log on
before you go. It’s cold in here.
Fraser: Yes, I
would imagine it is.
Potter: Get
out!
[side of a
building]
Fraser: Ray, do
you think I expect too much from people?
Ray: Well, take
our climbing up the side of this building, for
example.
Fraser:
Okay.
Ray: Is the
building on fire?
Fraser: Uh,
no.
Ray: Is there a
helpless person trapped up on the roof?
Fraser:
No.
Ray: Is there a
hostage to rescue?
Fraser: Not
that I’m aware of, no.
Ray: Then we’re
climbing this building because?
Fraser: Oh, I
see. Because I expect too much from people.
Ray:
Exactly.
Fraser: Well,
that and the fact that the doors to the council chambers
were closed until after question period. This seemed the
only way that we could gain access.
[Vecchio
slips]
Ray: Fraser!
Fraser!
Fraser: Oh,
sorry. Here. [gives
him a
hand] You
all right?
Ray: Yeah, no
problem.
[Council
Chambers]
Alderman
Farrell:
[voice]
That concludes the scheduled agenda for
this meeting. We’ll now proceed to open the floor for
question period. Will anyone who wishes to address the
Council please form a line to the left of the podium and
wait to be recognized by the Chair?
[King rises & motions them over to her
seat]
Ray: How did
you get in?
King: I opened
the back door.
Fraser:
Ah.
Council Clerk:
[background]
Will the first speaker please state your
name?
King: Listen, I
spoke to the chairwoman. She said no go. It turns out
Taylor has legal building permits, legal demolition
permits, and I suspect he’s greased some pretty
significant palms.
Ray : Mmm.
King : Sorry.
Speaker
: [background]
...We are under attack by an enemy so insidious that if we
don’t act immediately, we risk everything. All the work
that we do as a community, all the time we...
[Taylor &
flunkies arrive]
Fraser: Excuse
me.
Ray: Oh, no.
[takes off his coat
& follows Fraser, who is following Taylor]
Speaker: ...put
in to make it safe, is now in grave danger. It’s a threat,
I tell you. A threat to every man, woman, and child living
in the greater Chicago area.
[Fraser stands to
the right of the
speaker]
Certainly there are those who will scoff, those who will,
uh, jeer. [Vecchio
stands to the speaker’s
left] But
they are urban dwellers. They have yet to experience the
scourge of the suburbs. The green death. The blight we
call crabgrass.
Ray: Time’s up,
buddy.
Speaker: Excuse
me. According to parliamentary law, I have the
floor.
Ray: You have
the floor?
Speaker: Yes. I
have the floor.
Fraser: He’s
right, Ray, he does have the floor.
Ray: Huh.
[kicks the speaker,
who
collapses]
Now he has the floor.
Fraser: You
kicked him.
Ray: No, I
didn’t.
Fraser: The man
is unconscious.
Ray: He’s
resting.
[gavel
bangs]
Alderman
Farrell: The Chair recognizes?
Ray: Benton
Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Fraser: No, I’m
not. I mean, not now. At least, not-not-not officially. I
mean, ordinarily, yes, I am-I am, a Mounted Policeman, but
I’m not here in any official capacity.
Farrell: May I
ask why you are here?
Fraser: Oh,
yes, Mr. Ch-... Madam Chair-... Sir.
Um
[clears
throat]
Earlier this evening, a man told me that people would
prefer their own death rather than risk everything for an
ideal, and this is something I find extremely difficult to
reconcile.
Farrell: And
you came here because?
Fraser: I
didn’t know where else to go. You are the people’s elected
representatives, and if we can’t trust your judgment, who
can we trust?
Farrell: What
exactly is your quandary, sir?
Fraser: My
neighbors are being evicted from their homes. A certain
businessman, Mr. John Taylor--
Farrell: Mr.
Taylor’s development plans are a matter of record,
Constable, and if you need further explanation, I suggest
that you speak to the City Clerk’s office.
Fraser: I’m
well aware of Mr. Taylor’s plans,
sir. No, my
question actually is for you. Why did you approve
them?
[pause]
Farrell: Do you
represent anyone besides yourself, Constable?
Fraser:
Sir?
Farrell: These
other tenants, your neighbors. Where are they
tonight?
Fraser: They
are not here tonight. There were unable to attend.
Farrell: So,
you’re only here to speak for yourself. And these 50
tenants, for all we know, they may not even exist.
Fraser: No, I
assure you, sir, that really is not the situation.
[ding]
Council Clerk:
Time.
Fraser: Excuse
me?
Council Clerk:
Time. Time’s up. Step down.
Fraser: I’m
sorry, I don’t understand.
Farrell: Each
speaker has one minute, Constable, and I’m afraid if you
wish to say any more, you’ll have to come back tomorrow
night. May we have the next speaker, please?
Speaker: Point
of order, Madam Chairman.
Farrell: We’ll
get to you, sir.
Fraser: But my
question--
Farrell: I’m
afraid those are the rules.
Council Clerk:
Step down, please.
Fraser: But-
but I-I.
No.
Council Clerk:
Step down, please.
Fraser: No, I’m
afraid I can’t do that.
Speaker: This
is my minute. You are using my minute!
Ray: No, no,
no, you see, your minute was incredibly boring, so it was
cancelled.
Farrell:
Constable, I’m going to have to insist that you leave the
podium.
Fraser:
No.
Farrell: Excuse
me?
Fraser: With
all due respect, sir, I refuse to yield the floor.
Speaker: Point
of personal privilege, Madam--
[Vecchio kicks the speaker again, who collapses to the
floor]
Ray: That man
is exhausted.
Council Clerk:
Oh, God. A filibuster! He’s going to filibuster.
Farrell:
What?!
Alderman 2:
He’s going to talk us to death. We’ll be here all
night.
Alderman 3:
[aside to
#2] I
don’t have time for that. I’m a city councilman, for God’s
sakes. I’ve got a golf game in the morning.
Ray:
[aside]
You know, you’re wasting your
time.
Fraser:
Possibly.
Ray: The best
you’re gonna get is a bad case of laryngitis.
Fraser:
Probably.
Ray:
Lozenges?
Fraser: Cherry
flavored?
Ray: On my
way.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
[Vecchio leaves, giving the wary Speaker a
look]
King: I could
have packed the place if he’d waited for the morning
edition.
Ray: What about
a TV crew?
King: And lose
the exclusive? No.
Ray
: All right, see ya later.
[exits]
Fraser: ...My
grandmother gave me that book for my birthday...
King:
[mutters]
‘Do unto thy neighbor.’ You would have
thought at least some of them would have shown.
Fraser: ...But
my grandmother failed to see how rooting about in the dirt
with a toy bulldozer was going to broaden my horizons. I
was resentful, naturally. So the next day I took the
present and I attempted to feed it to a passing walrus.
Successfully, I might add...
Alderman 3: Oh,
God.
Alderman 2: At
least he didn’t start with
Geronimo.
[outside City
Hall]
Ray:
[to
crowd]
Anybody want to make an easy fifty? All right, how about a
hundred? A hundred apiece. All you gotta do is to listen
to some Canadian quote an American revolutionary.
Man: Which
revolutionary?
Ray: Like it
makes a
difference? A
hundred dollars.
Upstairs.
[Council
Chambers]
Fraser: ...For
my seventh birthday, I requested a go-cart, but I received
a book. On my eighth birthday, I wanted a Johnny Seven,
but again I received another book.
Voices: Enough
already! Shut up already!
Fraser: On my
ninth birthday, I wanted a guppy, but again I received
another book. And finally by my eleventh birthday, I
realized that my toy box contained virtually no toys at
tall. Rather it was lined with some of the most seditious
reading material available through mail
order...
[outside; Vecchio is counting & handing out bills from
a stack of
money]
Ray: All right,
anybody else? Come on, I got free money here. One hundred
bucks to listen to some Canadian quote an American
revolutionary. Thank you very much. Upstairs. Council
Chambers.
[lobby]
King:
[on cell
phone] No,
I haven’t been drinking!! ...Look, you got ten minutes to
get a camera crew down here, or I call WPOV and give ‘em
one hell of a scoop... You know me, Jack, I wouldn’t do
that. My word is my
bond...
Fine.
[crowd is streaming past her as she makes another call]
King
: Hi, Maury, Maury, Maury, hi. Mackenzie King here.
Listen, you got ten minutes to get a camera crew down to
City Hall or I call Jack over at WZMR and give him one
hell of a scoop... No, I haven’t been
drinking!
[outside]
Man: You always
give money to strangers?
Ray: This is
better than money. This is a 1972 Buick Riviera, all
that’s left of it.
Man: You
shoulda kept the
money.
[Council
Chambers]
Fraser: ...That
summer--
[coughs]
That summer my grandmother took me swimming.
The water had risen to just above freezing, and I clung to
her as we waded deeper into the river.
[the seats are
filling
up] I’d
never before noticed the burn marks she had on her upper
arms and on her shoulders. When I asked her how she’d come
by them, she said simply that she had been burned. Later,
my father told me the full story. My grandmother was 19
and she was teaching in a small Inuit village when a fire
swept through and it surrounded them.
[Dennis arrives,
watching]
Their only means of escape was through a river that had
been torn by rapids. Most of the adults died because they
were too afraid to brave the water. But my grandmother was
supported by an idea, and with this idea she led the
children deeper into the river.
[most attention is
riveted on Fraser now, and more people
arrive]
They clung to her as she held onto the roots of a tree, as
it burned above them. The heat was so intense that --
[coughs] --it
melted most of her hair and left second degree burns on
her upper body. If she had let go, they all would have
been swept away. But she didn’t let go. And they survived.
My grandmother maintained that it was not the river that
saved them. Rather, it was an idea. ‘The harder the
conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain
too cheap, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only that
gives everything its value.’ Thomas Paine. <ahem>
[coughs]
Um. <ahem>
[Taylor signals Farrell to cut him
off]
Voices: Keep
going, man! Keep it up! Go on! We’re with you, Big
Red!
[Farrell pours a glass of water, and it’s passed slowly
around]
Fraser:
[hoarsely]
Subsequently, I made a concerted effort
to work my way through my grandmother’s library, although
I have to confess that...<ahem> <ahem>
[cough]
Voices: Come
on, Big Red! Hang in there! You can do it, big guy! Let’s
go, Big Red!
[the water is handed to
Fraser]
Farrell: You’ve
got our attention, Constable. Proceed. Well, come on! It’s
either you or old Crabgrass.
[cheers and
applause]
Taylor:
[to
Vecchio]
You’re not fooling anyone. Not one of these people live in
my building.
Ray: How would
you know? Did you take the time to shake their hands or
learn their names?
Taylor: I have
their names. There are files.
Ray: Well,
congratulations. I have camera crews, and in these halls,
perception is nine-tenths of the law.
Taylor: I’ll
win this in court and you know it.
[Dennis
arrives]
Oh good, you’re here. Give the chairman the list of the
tenants’ names.
Dennis: I
couldn’t find it.
Taylor:
What?
Dennis: I
looked through my file. All I could find was this.
[hands a paper to
Vecchio]
Ray: It’s a
lease.
Dennis: Potter
gave it to me when he made me super. Ten years. No
increase. It’s got four years left to run.
Ray: Well, at
least you’ll have a roof over your head, Dennis.
Dennis: You
know, Detective Vecchio, you could be just a little nicer.
If I still got a roof over my head, then so does he, and
so does everyone who lives there.
Fraser: ...And
I believe it was Geronimo who said, ‘It is my land, my
home, my father’s land to which I now ask to be allowed to
return...’
Dennis: No one
can tear down that building unless I say so.
Ray: You’re a
good man, Dennis. Madam Chairperson, point of order. New
evidence has come to light in this case regarding the
tenants.
Taylor: Dennis.
You realize you’re fired.
Dennis: Hmm.
Stuff it in your ear. Goldilocks.
Farrell: The
City Council hereby suspends Mr. Taylor’s development
plans until further notice.
[applause]
The eviction orders are revoked.
Fraser:
‘...brought death into the world, and all our woe, with
loss of Eden, till one greater Man restore us, and
regain--'
King: Hey.
[grabbing Fraser’s
face] You
can stop now.
Fraser: Oh.
Thank you.
King: I can’t
believe I let you do this to me again.
Fraser: I was,
um, surprised myself.
King: Never
again, understand?
Fraser:
Understood.
King: Good.
Okay.
Fraser:
Okay.
King: Okay.
Goodbye.
Fraser: Oh.
Yes. Goodbye.
[shakes her
hand]
King: Goodbye.
Th-thanks.
Fraser: Thank
you kindly.
King: You owe
me.
Fraser: How
much?
King: How
much?
Fraser: How
much do I owe you?
King: Oh,
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye...
[exits]
Fraser: The
woman is completely
irrational.
[Fraser’s apartment; Fraser is attempting to clean the
mess]
[Dief
whines]
Fraser: Well,
yes, I’m sorry, but we can always get you another
one.
[Dief
grumbles]
Fraser: Yes, I
realize it was your favorite. Some things are worth the
sacrifice.
[knock knock knock]
[Dief whines]
Fraser : Ingrate.
[goes to the gap that used to be his door]
Mr. Mustafi:
We, uh, heard your place was a mess. You really should set
a better example, you know.
Fraser:
Understood.
[residents stream
in]
Mr. Mustafi:
Come on... Painting. Dusting. Enough garbage
bags?
[Al’s garage; Vecchio sits in Riv, then turns on radio. Music: ‘Lock, Stock, and Teardrops’ by Andi Duncan. And Vecchio remembers...]
Ray
: So what do you think?
Angie: This is
what you spent our savings on?
Ray:
Yeah.
Angie: Five
thousand dollars.
Ray:
Yeah.
Angie:
Uh-huh.
[pause]
Ray: Well, I
bought it for you.
Angie: Ray,
it’s a 1972 Buick Riviera. It’s the car of your dreams.
You bought it for me?
Ray: Yeah. I
mean, can’t we both have the same dreams?
Angie: Okay, so
when do I get to drive it?
Ray: When do
you get to drive it?
Angie:
Yeah.
Ray:
Uh...
Angie:
When?
Ray: All right,
all right. Now.
Angie: Okay.
[slides over
towards driver’s seat]
Ray: Well, not
now now.
Angie: Oh. Not
now now. Maybe later now. Maybe like never now? Like maybe
not-in-your-lifetime now?
Ray: Oh, come
on, let’s not go there. Come on, give me a kiss.
Angie:
Why?
Ray: ‘Cause you
like the car.
Angie: I
don’t.
Ray: You
will.
Angie: In your
dreams.
[they kiss]
Al
: Ray.
Ray: Yes,
Al?
Al: Well?
Ray: I’ll give
you a thousand bucks.
Al: Ray!
Ray: Oh, come
on, Al, it’s all I got left. Come on.
Al:
Deal.
[Vecchio throws Al the
keys]
Ray: And get it
washed.
End