Finding Trust

When Xander got home from work, he was tired. And a little nervous. He wondered if Spike would still be there, or if the vampire had found a way to get back to his crypt and left. His hand shook as he attempted to insert the key into the lock. Suddenly the door was pulled wide and Spike stood in the open doorway. He wore his black jeans and black t-shirt with bare feet, and his hair was mussed as if he’d run his fingers through it. He looked good enough to eat, Xander thought.

"Hey," Spike greeted him, and Xander thought the vampire sounded a bit nervous himself.

"Hey," he said with a grin. Spike had stayed, and that made him giddy. "You’re still here."

"Where else would I be?" Spike asked, grabbing Xander’s arm and pulling him into the apartment, swinging the door shut behind him.

Spike interrupted him by pressing him against the closed door and kissing him senseless. Xander’s fingers fell open and the keys dropped unnoticed to the floor. Spike’s kiss made him feel like he was floating. His arms went around the blond’s waist to anchor himself. He ran his hands up Spike’s back, and then down to cup his ass. Xander groaned, deepened the kiss, and pulled Spike tightly against him.

Xander stared into Spike’s eyes as the vampire pulled back and gazed up at him. "Spike," he breathed, moving his hips, pushing his erection into the blond’s groin.

"Xander. We need to talk," Spike said, and Xander felt as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown on him.

"Talk?" he asked, confused. They’d just been kissing passionately, well on their way to shagging, and now Spike wanted to talk? "You want to *talk*?" he squeaked.

"Yeah," Spike said, drawing him over to the table. "I’ve been thinking about it all day, and if I get side-tracked..." He waved his hand around indicating the activity they’d just been involve in. "...I might not get it out."

"Side-tracked?" Xander asked stupidly. He’d thought they were on exactly the right track.

"Sit," Spike said, pushing Xander into a chair, and then taking one next to him, never letting go of Xander’s hand. "We should talk about the bites."

"The bites," Xander repeated, still trying to get his mind around the fact that Spike wanted to talk instead of... "Oh, the bites! Yeah, we should probably talk about those. But, then...we can still..."

Spike’s smile turned kinda sad. "We’ll see," he said, and then continued before Xander could question him. "Okay." Spike took a deep breath. "I told you there were different kinds of vampire bites."

"Sex bites are just that. Bites during sex that—enhance the experience," he explained.

"I’ll say!" Xander said, his eyes wide as he remembered the biting during sex the night before. It had been—intense would not be an exaggeration, but also not enough to explain how he’d felt when he’d bitten Spike. When Spike had bitten him. Exhilarated. It had been—profound.

Spike grinned again, and then resumed his explanation. "The sex bites are shallow, and just enough blood is drunk to heighten the arousal. There’s another type of vampire bite—other than the fatal kind, o’ course. A claiming bite."

Spike nodded. "Yeah," he spoke slowly. "When a vampire wants to claim a mate, or a consort, they mark each other and share blood, and there’s a ritual." He swallowed hard. "The claiming bite is much deeper that the sex bite."

Xander stared at Spike, who just stared back at him as if waiting for him to say something. "All right," he finally said. "Different types of bites. Got it. Can we shag now?"

Spike opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. He did it again, and Xander’s mind boggled at the sight of Spike speechless. "O—kay," he said. "I get the feeling that there’s something more you want to tell me."

"We huh?" Xander asked, unable to understand what Spike had said despite being fluent in Willow-babble.

Spike’s grip on Xander’s hand tightened, and he looked away, watching avidly as he nervously scratched at the table with his fingernail. "We did both last night," he repeated more slowly.

"Yes, we both bit each other last night," Xander said. "During sex. The sex kind of bites."

Xander struggled to wrap his mind around what Spike had just said. When he finally got it, his eyes grew wide and he yelped, "You claimed me? How could you *do* that?"

"Hey!" Spike retorted. "Don’t forget who started with the biting." He threw the blame right back at Xander. "‘Sides, not like I meant to do it."

Xander felt unaccountably hurt by the vampire’s words. "You didn’t want to claim me?"

Spike sighed. "I didn’t say I didn’t *want* to, I said I didn’t *mean* to. There’s a difference."

"What’s the difference?" Xander asked. He watched as Spike gathered his thoughts.

"Well, I obviously *wanted* to do it, ‘cause I did, but I hadn’t *intended* to do it goin’ in, understand?" he asked.

"Oh, now stop that," Spike said, sliding off the chair to kneel before Xander. He took both of Xander’s hands in his and gripped them tightly; Xander curled his fingers around Spike’s. "It’s just I wasn’t thinkin’ ‘bout bitin’ last night, ya know? But when you bit me it was so bloody marvelous! I *needed* to bite you, taste you. And then you bit me again, and...well, when that happened it just felt—right to do it. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but it was...instinctive, like."

"Yeah," Xander said slowly, images from the night before rolling around in his head. "I do know. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever bitten one of my lovers before. But you’re right, I had this compulsion to bite you. I needed to make you mine, mark you..." He trailed off. "Oh, God!" he squeaked, starting to freak. "We claimed each other! What does that mean?"

"Well," Spike said. "If we’d done it during the ritual, it would mean we were mated."

Xander started to hyperventilate. "I can’t be married!" he squealed. "I just left Anya at the alter because I didn’t want to get married!"

"Not technically married, pet," Spike said, and Xander calmed when he thought he detected a sad note in the vampire’s voice.

This was not what he expected when he got home. He’d hoped the vampire would be there, but feared that he wouldn’t. He hadn’t figured they’d have a conversation about the bites this soon, and had certainly *not* anticipated Spike telling him they’d claimed each other and were practically married! He felt another freak coming on.

"Don’t worry, pet," Spike said. "Engagements can always be broken." He stood and moved away from Xander. "I best get goin’. Didn’t figure you’d be up for shaggin’ after our little talk, anyway."

Spike disappeared into the bedroom and returned with his boots on. When he grabbed his duster off the rack, Xander came alive. "W-wait! What’re you doing?" he asked, jumping up to stand between Spike and the door, tugging on the duster so Spike couldn’t put it on.

Spike looked at him incredulously. "‘Cause I’m pretty sure happy-to-see-me Xander has left the building."

"N-now that’s just not true," Xander said, finally managing to wrest Spike’s duster away from him, which told him that the blond didn’t really want to leave. "It’s just that overwhelmed Xander is sort of in charge right now." He hung the duster up, and turned back to Spike.

"That was quite a bomb you just dropped on me, you know." Hysterical Xander made a comeback. "I mean, you’ve had all day to think about it and figure out what it meant, and what you wanted, and... What does it mean? To you? D-d-do you want it?"

"I don’t know," Spike admitted. "One minute I do, and the next I’m listing the reasons why it’s a bad idea. Know I want you, though," he added.

"We don’t need to decide now," Spike said. "Like I said, the claim’s not complete without the ritual, and if you—we, if we decide we don’t want it, then...," he broke off and shrugged.

"Okay," Xander agreed slowly. "So we’ve got time now to actually think about what we’ve done, and what we’re going to do."

Xander examined Spike. Now that he knew what he was looking for, the vampire looked as freaked as Xander had been. And he’d had an entire day to worry it over. If he needed a hug, he was sure Spike needed one even more.

Xander melted into him. Oddly enough, this was exactly where he wanted to be. And if he was honest with himself, most of his reaction to being told about the claiming bites was shock at being told what they had done, concern over Spike’s response, and not a little bit of surprise that he wasn’t more freaked about the actual biting and being mated to a vampire part of it.

What a sick puppy, Xander thought as he grew hard. He nuzzled into Spike’s neck, licking over the bite mark and growing harder as Spike moaned and began to move his hips against him. Xander licked and kissed his way up Spike’s neck and along his jaw. When he finally reached the blond’s mouth, Xander licked his lips and then slipped his tongue between them as they parted to him.

"Mmm, Spike," he moaned, and then vehemently protested, "Spike!" when the vampire pushed him away.

"No," Spike said more forcefully as he put space between them. "Wanna be honest with you. Don’t want any secrets between us."

"Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?" Xander asked as he sat back down in the chair at the table.

Spike didn’t reply, but Xander could tell the vampire was steeling himself to begin.

Xander sagged in relief. "Harmony?" he asked. Spike shook his head. "Dru?" Xander asked, wondering if Spike meant long, meaningful relationship rather than a quick shag. Spike shook his head again.

"Just let me...," he said. "Now, I want you to know that it’s over. Has been for some time now. And at first, I wasn’t happy that she wanted to end it. But that’s over now, too, because I’m very happy with the way things have worked out." He motioned with his hands to indicate the two of them.

Xander nodded to show he’d understood, and waited for Spike to continue. Finally he said, "Well?"

Xander felt the blood drain from his face. Oddly enough, he’d understood Spike that time. "You slept with Buffy?" he asked.

"Couple months. She broke it off after Captain Cardboard’s visit," Spike said.

Xander tried to think back, tried to remember how Buffy and Spike had acted around one another. His chest constricted painfully as he imagined the two of them doing things that he and Spike had done. "You slept with Buffy," he said, his voice cracking as his insecurities leaped to the fore.

Buffy and Spike. Spike and Buffy. They’d broken up and now Spike was here, with him. He’d wondered about that. About Spike’s reason for being there. Almost as much as he’d wondered about his own reaction to the vampire. Was this some kind of joke? See how many of the Scoobies he could sleep with? Was he trying to get back at Buffy by sleeping with him? Make her jealous so she’d take him back?

"Why? I mean, why would you want to be with me? We’ve always hated each other... Did you do it to make her jealous so she’d take you back?" he asked.

"Of course not, Xander! Though that would have been a good plan," he mused. "But it wasn’t my plan. Hell, I didn’t even *have* a plan! Buffy was the last thing on my mind when we...you know, started this thing," Spike assured him.

"Was she?" Xander asked. "How could you forget someone like Buffy? You don’t. So, if you didn’t do it to make her jealous, am I second choice? Are you going to wake up one day wondering why you ever got involved with me? Wishing I was her?"

"No, Xander..." Spike reached out to take his hand, but Xander slid out of the chair and side-stepped him.

Ignoring him, Xander scooped up the keys that still laid on the floor and was out the door in a flash.

He sat in his car as it idled in the driveway and stared at the house. Xander wasn’t sure why he’d come here, but wasn’t naive enough to believe anything other than that this was his destination all along. He got out of the car and walked up the sidewalk to the front porch. He hesitated, and then stabbed the doorbell with his finger.

"Hey, Xander!" Dawn greeted him happily when she pulled the door open and saw him standing in the porch light.

"Hey, Dawn," Xander responded, and even to him his voice sounded tight. "Buff around?"

"Sure, come on in," she invited as she stepped back. "She’s upstairs changing into slaying clothes."

Xander stepped into the foyer. He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his feet, feeling out of place. What was he doing here? He should leave, forget this craziness, but he had to know if what Spike told him was true. He needed some assurance that if Spike and Buffy had been involved, their relationship was really over; that he wasn’t the consolation prize.

"You sure?" Dawn asked. "You know how Buffy is when it comes to changing clothes; she’ll be forever." The younger girl rolled her eyes.

Xander forced a smile. "Thanks, Dawn, but I’ll just wait here. You go on and do whatever you were doing before I got here."

Xander didn’t have long to wait before Buffy came bounding down the stairs. "Hey, Xan!" she said when she saw him waiting in the foyer. "What’s up?"

"Sure!" Buffy agreed happily, either not noticing his distress or ignoring it for now. "Wanna patrol with me? We can talk then."

"Yeah, sounds good," Xander agreed, and then listened as Buffy told Dawn she was leaving, to do her homework and stay off the phone, and that Willow would be home after her evening class. Buffy grabbed her bag of slaying goodies from its place beneath the table in the foyer, and then led Xander out of the house.

"Uh, yeah, thanks," Xander said, reaching out to take it. "I didn’t think to grab one before I left the apartment."

Patrol was relatively quiet. Buffy staked a fledge that had just risen and saved a high schooler out alone after dark, and who looked eerily like Dawn, from being bitten and they’d walked her home. For the most part, they chatted about inconsequential things, until about halfway through patrol, when Buffy turned to look at him.

Xander froze. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. Talk about this with Buffy. But he had to know. He couldn’t move forward without knowing if this thing he and Spike had was real, or if the vampire was using him. Nor did he know how to broach the topic, and then decided to jump right in before he chickened out.

"Did you sleep with Spike?" he asked, and immediately knew it was the wrong tack to take as Buffy puffed up defensively.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about," she said. "Why would I sleep with Spike?"

Okay, Xander thought. Big, ugly secret just blurted out, maybe not the smartest way to get Buffy to open up to him. Perhaps he should open up first, and then she’d feel more comfortable talking to him about this.

"Because he’s hot, and can do really amazing things with his tongue?" Xander suggested lightly. "Oh, and the not having to breathe thing?" Xander nodded his head knowingly. "That’s a keeper." Xander blushed as Buffy gaped at him.

"Xander!" Buffy finally found her tongue. "What are you thinking? He’s a vampire! An evil, soulless thing! How could you sleep with him?" she screeched.

All Xander’s compassion flew out the window—metaphorically speaking, since they were already outside—and he retorted, "Hey! Pot, kettle," as he pointed to each of them in turn.

Buffy had the grace to look ashamed. "Fine," she said. "I admit it. I slept with Spike. Not one of my finer moments. And it is *so* over," she added.

"So what are you saying?" Xander asked. "You slept with him once and got over it?" Buffy’s expression told him she’d been fudging the ‘one’ moment thing. "Yeah, didn’t think so."

"Xander," Buffy said, her tone going all honeyed and persuasive. "You *hate* Spike, how can you be sleeping with him?"

"Trust me on this, I’ve asked myself that a hundred times," Xander moaned. "He just kind of...grew on me."

"Spike does not grow on people," Buffy insisted vehemently. "He annoys and irritates until you want to stake him, but he does not..."

"I think I’m falling in love with him," Xander blurted, and then wished he could bite off his tongue at the look on Buffy’s face.

"Xander! That’s only..." She counted on her fingers. "...five days! How can you fall in love with someone you’ve hated for five years in *five days*?" she asked.

"Well, no, not specifically, but I’d hoped you could give me some insight into what I was doing...and what Spike was doing..."

"He said...He said you broke up with him, and that he wasn’t happy about it. Do you think..." He swallowed hard. It was difficult to actually get the words out. "I don’t want to be second choice. You know, the consolation prize ‘cause he can’t have what he really wants."

"Xander," Buffy said, moving close and pulling him into a friendly embrace. "You could never be second choice to anyone."

Buffy made a face and rolled her eyes. "Not even to me," she said. "But that’s so not the point here! Can we get back to the part where Spike’s a *vampire*? A *soulless* vampire?"

"Buffy," Xander said, "I know he’s a soulless vampire. Just like you knew he was a soulless vampire when you were sleeping with him." He held a hand up to stem the blow-up he could see building. "I’m not judging you, just stating facts, okay? I’m not ignorant of the vampire-thing, but strangely enough, I’m more worried about the relationship-thing."

"I don’t think you can take the vampire-thing out of that equation," Buffy said.

Xander felt tears building. "I just...I just wanna know that he loves me, too. Oh, God," he moaned, "what if I’m the rebound?"

"Xander! You’re not the rebound..." Buffy shook him playfully, and then stiffened. "What’s this?" she asked angrily, shoving his jacket aside. "He *bit* you?"

Xander pushed her away, and pulled his coat back up. "Just during sex," he admitted.

"Wait a minute. How could he bite you?" Buffy asked. "The chip...it’s not working."

"No, no, it’s working!" Xander insisted. "He said he could do it because I wanted it."

He watched as Buffy’s face went from pale to red with fury. "He’s a vampire, Xander. A soulless vampire. He can’t love anyone. And for him to have bitten you, his chip must be broken, and I’ll prove it to you, because there is no way you’d want to be bitten!"

Xander’s feet froze. Oh, God, this was bad. If Buffy found Spike when she was in this mood she’d beat him to a pulp...or stake him! And Spike wouldn’t even be able to defend himself. His feet were suddenly taking him after Buffy as fast as they could. "Buffy!" he yelled.

He soon lost sight of her, but kept running. Buffy didn’t know he’d left Spike at his apartment, so the only place she’d think to go looking for the vampire was his crypt—he hoped. Xander kept running in that direction even though his lungs felt like they were going to burst, and his legs were turning to rubber.

When he reached the cemetery housing Spike’s crypt, he was more than a little surprised to see Spike and Buffy facing off. But then Xander realized that Spike had no idea where he was going when he left the apartment, or when he’d be back, and probably thought it best to get out before he returned.

"Buffy, wait," Xander gasped, bending over and leaning on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

"Wondered what had the Slayer all up in arms," Spike sneered. "Did you run and tell her how the big, bad vampire took advantage of you?" Spike asked Xander without taking his eyes off Buffy.

"No!" Xander denied, and then turned his attention to Buffy. "Buffy, please don’t do this."

Xander watched in horror as Spike dodged Buffy’s blows. "I don’t want to hurt you, Slayer," the vampire growled.

Xander was struck speechless as he watched one of his best friends and his lover fight. Before long, both were bloodied, but they kept coming back for more. Just as Spike sent Buffy reeling with an uppercut to the jaw, Xander was seized with the horrifying realization that Buffy was right—the chip was no longer working.

He tried to work up anger at Spike for lying to him, but couldn’t. If the chip wasn’t working, that meant Spike had every opportunity to hurt him, to kill him, but he hadn’t. Spike went flying through the air from a kick to his stomach and landed in front of Xander, stunned. Buffy came after him, the stake held high in her hand.

Without thinking, Xander dove forward and landed on Spike, covering the slightly smaller man with his body. "No, Buffy, don’t!" he yelled.

"No, he’s not!" Xander insisted, and then looked down at the vampire lying beneath him. "But she was right," he mused.

"‘Bout what?" Spike asked with a smirk as he licked the blood off a cut on his lip.

Spike looked surprised. "Of course it’s working," he said, his expression adding a ‘duh!’.

Spike laughed. "Oh, so that’s your game," he said, looking at Buffy. "Trying to turn the boy against me by tellin’ him my chip’s not workin’, and then provin’ it to him? You musta forgot to mention the bit about how I’ve been able to hit you since you came back wrong," he sneered.

Buffy blanched. "I didn’t come back wrong," she ground out between clenched teeth.

"I don’t want anything from you," Buffy said, her voice full of ire and disgust.

Xander had listened with only half an ear as the two threw insults at each other while he digested Spike’s words. He turned to Buffy, cutting off her rejoinder. "You knew Spike’s chip wouldn’t work against you," he said. "You wanted me to think... Why?" he asked. "Why would you do that?"

Buffy’s face grew harder at Xander’s words. "No, he doesn’t have a soul," she said.

Xander ignored all Buffy’s attempts to speak with him, and when she was gone, he looked down at Spike. "I’m sorry about that," he said.

Spike shrugged. "I’m used to her trying to kill me," he said. "I’d like to get up now."

"Oh, yeah, of course," Xander said, moving off Spike and kneeling beside him. He sat back on his heels and watched as Spike rose to his feet.

Xander wasn’t sure how to answer that, because his reasons seemed so silly now. "I...I wanted to make sure it was really over between you two," he admitted.

"I wanted to be certain you were over her; I didn’t want to be the rebound..."

Tears burned Xander’s eyes and then spilled over and ran down his cheeks. "Please come back," he said. "Spike, I’m sorry," he called a little louder. "Please come back! That’s not home," he added softly.

Xander bowed his head and cried. He fell forward onto his hands and hung his head as the tears ran and sobs wracked his body. He should never have doubted Spike, doubted himself. He shouldn’t have gotten so upset when he found out Spike had slept with Buffy. Heck, it wasn’t like Xander hadn’t had a relationship with Anya before he threw her over at the wedding.

A crunch of dried leaves drew his attention, and he looked up hopefully. Instead of Spike, another vampire stared back at him.

"Actually," Xander said as he sat up and leaned back on his heels, "I was waiting for another vampire, but I guess you’ll do."

Part of him rebelled at this selfish act, but he squelched it. He’d been a fuck up all his life, it was time to put an end to that. Christ! If he couldn’t even make a relationship with a vampire work, what did that say about him? And his other relationships, an ex-demon and...Cordy! He closed his eyes and waited for the bite.

The vampire grabbed his head and twisted it to the side, exposing his neck. Xander involuntarily sucked in a fearful breath of anticipation, and choked on the dust that filled his nostrils. He opened his eyes in surprise as he coughed, trying to expel the dust so he could breathe, and looked straight into Spike’s amber eyes.

"Didn’t think you were coming back," Xander said. "I’m sorry," he said in a small voice.

Spike shrugged. "We don’t have all that good a track record, you and me," he allowed.

"Maybe a little—jealous," he said. "I just don’t know what you’d see in me after...after her."

"Home," Spike said as he pulled Xander to his feet and led him away towards Xander’s apartment.