“Once upon a time there was a vampire, who-”

“Wait! You’re not telling it right. Once upon a time there was a boy, err… man-”

“Both of you shut it. It happened like this…

It actually started with a basement, and a key. Not any ordinary key, and not the key to the basement. A key that looked like a girl.

It was Christmas, and the key was very sad, for her sister had died. The key went to visit a friend, who lived in the basement. We’ll call him… Basement Boy.”

*snicker*

“Dawnie!”

“If the shoe fits, Basement Boy…”

“I wonder if there’s money to be made showing off the world’s only celibate vampire…”

*throat clearing* “Sorry Xan.”

“Mmhmmm.”

“If you both don’t shut up, there will be no chocolate cake for either of you…

Basement boy was in love, but he kept it a secret. Bleach Head, the object of his affection-”

“Oi! Not nice, Bit.”

*gigglefit*

“Don’t make me turn you over my knee, boy.”

“Just shut up!

Bleach Head was oblivious to Basement Boy’s ardor, though they lived together from time to time. They argued, and sometimes fought, but neither of them realized that they were slowly growing closer.

But Basement Boy was attractive to all kinds of demons, who were always stealing him for sacrifices, or trying to mate with him, or even marry him. Bleach Head was always having to save him, and one day, Basement Boy had an idea. He had a lot of good ideas, and they usually got him in trouble. This was one of his best.

He went to Bleach Head, and said, ‘I think you should claim me. Make me your consort so the other demons will stop kidnapping me.’

Bleach Head was still mostly asleep in his ugly orange chair, so his response was more of a grumble than actual words, but Basement Boy took it as a yes.”

“When do you- I mean, when does the key show up?”

*sigh* “If you wouldn’t interrupt, I’d get there eventually.

So, the sleepy vampire was moved to Basement Boy’s bed, because Basement Boy was a responsible sort of Consort. It was about three in the afternoon, and he decided to take a nap with his vampire.

This is when the key comes to visit. She had a key to Basement Boy’s basement, and let herself in. She saw Basement Boy and Bleach Head snuggling together in bed.”

“And the resulting ultrasonic squealing not only woke both if us up, but burst the eardrums of dogs and assorted small creatures from Sunnydale to Poughkeepsie.”

“I’m so putting a whole bottle of cayenne pepper into your next mug of blood. Shut up.

The key was very happy for her friends. The rest of their dysfunctional little family were not. They tried to convince Basement Boy that Bleach Head was taking advantage of him.”

“Which was ridiculous because it was my idea.”

*sigh and audible eyeroll* “The key knew better, though, and when Bleach Head and Basement Boy moved north to a less Hellmouthy neighborhood, she went with them.”

“Buffy’s still mad about that. It’s been five years. You think she’ll ever forgive me?”

“Bollocks to her if she doesn’t. We both love you, Bit’s doing good in school, and we got what we need. You done right by the Bit, even if the Slayer and them have their heads up their arses.”

“I give up. You two finish the story.”

“Right then. They bought a sled, and learned to ski, and lived happily ever after. Pass the bloody eggnog.”

*giggle* “Yeah, I guess that’s it. The Sunnydale crew eventually collapsed the Hellmouth, and made all the Potentials into Slayers, but you guys know all about that.

And they forgave us enough to send some of you guys here for us to train. And now it’s Christmas.”

“Dawnie, it’s been Christmas a couple of times since we left Sunnydale.”

*party noises eventually drown out the argument that ensues*