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Part 77

 

 

 

“That was good,” Xander proudly announced.  “Good.  With the reasoning and the fighting and the dusting.  Good you, bad them.  You’re very, very good.  Master.  Sexy.  Good and sexy.  Did I mention sexy?  And good?”

“Keep away from them, don’t provoke them.”

“Oh, wow, thanks.  Didn’t catch that the first billion times you told me.”

Spike fixed a cool stare on Xander, only to have it met by an irresistibly sweet smile that completely stole his thunder.  He shook his head and sighed as he turned back to the counter.  Master, my arse!

“Hungry?”

“Mmm?”

“Hungry?  Want me to make some bacon butties?”

“Mmm?”

Spike glanced at Xander to find out what was so distracting.  He should have known.

“The fastest way to get through to you is write a message on a sheet of paper and pin it to my arse.”

“You figured.”

“You’re not exactly subtle.”

“I love your ass.  Don’t you want me to love your ass?”

“Oh, I want you to love my arse in every possible way, don’t worry.”

“You want me to love your ass in every possible way right now?”

“When we’ve straightened you out a little.”

“That won’t work.  Want to be bent as hell and…”

“The drugs, love.”

“…and…and…what was I saying?”

“Bent as hell.”

“Yes!” Xander exclaimed as he clumsily rose and uncoordinatedly bounded over to Spike, pinning him against the counter.  “Bent as hell.  Show me something new tonight, will you, Spike?  Make me scream for you and…and…”  Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.  “I’m ready for anything, everything, you can have me where you want, you can bounce me off the fucking walls for all I care as long as I get to have you, need to have you, baby.”  Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.  “Here?  You want to start here, Spike?  We can fuck here.”  Xander started to pull at Spike’s clothing, springing on the balls of his feet and grinning like an idiot when Spike caught and stilled his hands.

“Hells bells, Xan, what are you on?”

“Cloud.  Nine.”

“Y’know I’m going to give Jake such a smack one day.  Bad head or no bad head.”

“Bad head?  Not bad head.”

“As in the chip firing, big demon-sized headache.”

“I give good head.  But if I could breathe through my ears…”

“Yes, been there, I wasn’t saying…”

“Love it when you come in my mouth, want to come for me, Spike, want to come for me now?  Come for me now, sweetheart?”  Spike stopped Xander from dropping to his knees and held him close.  “You don’t have to stop me and I don’t know why you would because I can be good for you, I know everything you want, and…”

“Shush, love.”

“…if there’s ever anything else you want you only have to say because I’ll try, I’ll try anything for you and…”

“Shh, Xan.”

“…you don’t have to worry about what I think because I know you like things a little different from me but I’ll try, I always try…”

“Will you be quiet!”

“I can be quiet, you want quiet?”

“Be quiet.”

“I’m being quiet.  See, I’m being quiet.  Quiet now.”

“You’re not being quiet if you’re telling me you’re being quiet.”  Xander released a buttock long enough to mime zipping up his mouth.  “You don’t need a zip, you need a gallon of glue.”

“You’d probably want an epoxy resin for that.  Y’know, something epichlorhydrin and diphenylol propane based.”

“You’re making this up.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Then you’re an even sadder git than I thought.”

“I was being quiet,” Xander told him earnestly.  “Quiet.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“Can we fuck now?”  Xander dropped his voice to a whisper.  “If I’m quiet?”

Spike smiled into the hugely dilated eyes and stroked his fingers through Xander’s hair; Xander rubbed his head against the cool hands.

“You don’t have to be quiet.”

“No?”

“No.”

Xander touched the tip of his nose to Spike’s.

“Do you love me more when I’m quiet?”

“I love you more when you’re not stoned.”

“Why?”

“Because then I trust your control.”

Xander blinked hard and thought about that.

“I’d get that if I wasn’t…”

“…stoned, right.”

“Do you love me more when I’m hot or when I’m cold?”

“Hot.”

“Do you love me more when I’m in tight jeans or my robe?”

“Jeans.”

“Do you love me more if…I sing the words or hum the tune?”

“Words.”

“Do you…  Can you go down on yourself?”

Spike had to think about that.

“Probably.  But it wasn’t high on my to do list.”

“Can I watch?”

“You can watch,” Spike chuckled.

“Do you love me more when you’re here or in LA?”

“Both.”

“Do you love me more if…I swim or dance?”

“Dance.”

“Do you love me more…when I taste of eggs or bacon?”

“Bacon.”

“Do you love me more when I cry aloud or to myself?”

“Both.”

“Do you love me more if I’m listening to CDs or playing the piano?”

“Playing the piano.”

“I can play the piano,” Xander announced with a massive smile.

“That you can, love.”

“Do you love me more when I’m…waking up or going to sleep?”

“Both.”

“Do you love me more when I’m fucking or you’re riding?”

“You fucking.”

“Do you love me more if…if…”

“Yes.  Whatever.  I love you more.  I always love you more.”

“Do you…  I love you, right?  You know?”

“I know.”

“Dance with me.  Hold me.  Hated that tonight, couldn’t hold you like I wanted, couldn’t be like I wanted.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

“I know.”

“I want you so much.”

“I know.”

“Hold me.  Tight.  Dance.”

Spike did as he was asked, arms like steel bands around the body that went along with his gentle movements; brows pressed together.  Xander released a drawn out moan of complete contentment.

“Want some music?”

“You sing.”

“What would you like?”

“Something you don’t,” Xander smiled coyly, hoping he’d get something awful and schmaltzy that Spike would violently disown under any other circumstance.  Spike thought as he swayed them, mentally riffling through Xander’s latest songbook.  A dozen pages in and…perfection.  He stared directly into Xander’s wide, expectant gaze and whispered.

“I’ll protect you from the hooded claw.  Keep the vampires from your door.”

“Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,” Xander rattled off excitedly.

“Feels like fire,” Spike sang.  “I’m so in love with you.  Dreams are like angels, they keep bad at bay.”

“Bad at bay,” Xander quietly echoed.

“Love is the light scaring darkness away.”  He gave Xander a gentle kiss.  “I’m so in love with you.”

“Purge the soul.”

“Make love your goal…”

Before Spike could finish that last note heat flared in Xander’s eyes.

“Make love,” he agreed fervently, “make love.  Please.  Please.

“Don’t want to clear your head a bit first?”

“Nuh.”

“Coffee?”

“Nuh.”

“Bacon butty?”

“Nuh.”

“Me naked?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

With a brisk laugh, Spike tipped Xander into his arms, lifting him and heading for bed, kissing as they went.

Xander found himself tossed onto the bed and within seconds he was bootless and a pair of chilly hands were sliding up his legs, disappearing beneath the kilt as he watched, spellbound.

“Cold,” he managed to blurt out.

“Soon warm up,” Spike told him.  “Nice and hot under here.”  Xander whimpered as the hands found their intended target; snug trunks may have been a good idea before his cock was doing its best salami impression, but now it felt as if it was bound to him with duct tape.  His mind did the cartoon blink.  Bound to him with…  Wouldn’t that be a dangerous one to mention to Spike.

The kilt was flipped up and Spike progressed a little further.  “These are interesting,” Spike purred against the severely controlled bulge.  “Tight for you.  Like the look.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want the kilt flying up and anything…flapping about,” Xander explained, voice rough from the dry, heavy breathing.  “Killing me now though.”

“So…  Graphic.”

Spike’s finger traced the shape of Xander’s erection, ignoring the moans and attempts to thrust into more contact.  Nails scraped over balls, perineum, scratching tauntingly at ass cheeks that flexed against the tantalising sensation.  Spike mouthed and bit the straining cock through the tight material, persistently pressing his tongue against the bulge of the head to leech the pre-come though the fabric, gnawing until Xander was yelling…

“No, don’t, not yet, don’t make me come!  Spiiiiike!”

…at the top of his voice and Spike was pulling away and chuckling and shushing him yet again.

“Shall we get you naked then?” he asked with a smirk, and Xander fumbled with his clothes until Spike took over and smoothly stripped him, hesitating momentarily at the kilt but knowing there’d be other days to play when Xander was better able to maintain a fantasy or two.

Standing beside the bed, scorched by the longing in his lover’s eyes, Spike slowly shed his own clothes.  Singing to his mesmerised pet.

“I’ll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door.  When the chips are down I’ll be around, with my undying, death-defying love for you…”

“You do love me,” Xander whispered without being aware.

“Envy will hurt itself.  Let yourself be beautiful…”

“That’s you, beautiful, no-one’s as beautiful as you, and you said we could fuck if…”  Xander dropped the volume.  “…if I was quiet?  Did you say that?  Can I have you anyway, please, Spike, please, please, please.”

Spike knelt on the bed beside him, keeping Xander’s mouth from his cock by pressing his palm to the middle of Xander’s forehead and effortlessly holding him off.

“Give.  Me.  That!”

“I want to play with you first.  I want to see you come for me.”

Xander gave up the struggle and fell back, groping under the pillow and bringing out a well-wrung tube of lubricant, forcing it on Spike.

“Do me,” he demanded.  Spike hesitated.  Xander grabbed Spike’s hand and sucked a finger before erratically pushing it to where he wanted.  “Do me.  Inside.”

With visible relief, Spike squeezed the last of the jelly onto his fingers, getting into a comfortable position before tormenting Xander with delicate strokes and scratches over his opening, waiting for the air to become blue with expletives from his frustrated lover before gently pushing into the tight body.

“Okay?”

“You’re…always…too…careful,” Xander announced through clenched teeth as he tried to push onto Spike’s hand.

“I am?” Spike asked, a little surprised that Xander hadn’t mentioned it before.

“Please, Spike, I know you won’t hurt me, but please.  Hard.  More.  Hard.”

Spike eased three fingers inside Xander, listened to his rambling intoxicated commentary for any sign of distress, then began a finger-fuck that Xander wouldn’t forget in a hurry.  Provided, that is, he remembered it at all once he’d sobered up.

Xander bucked and writhed as Spike pumped into his body, curled fingertips toying with the hot spot and scraping at the delicate lining of Xander’s body until he was incoherent with pleasure.  Spike observed the wanton display with mindless lust, finally deciding that he couldn’t wait, that he wanted Xander’s engorged and dripping cock filling him.  Xander howled in protest as Spike took his hand away, catching and grasping the slicked appendage with some difficulty and trying to drawing it back between his legs.

“No, love, you’re going to fuck me now.”

“You want to play with me and see me come,” Xander protested in a whine.

“Don’t you want to fuck your Spike?” asked in a sad, brilliantly manipulative voice.

“Yes, baby, yes, sorry, going to fuck you right now, right now.  God, look at me.  I’m so hard, you get me so hard.  Look at me.”

“I have been.  That’s what’s got me all hot for you.”

“Hot for me?” Xander beamed.

“Fuck me, Xander.”

“Oh, yeah.  Play with you and make you come instead.”

“That’s the idea.”

Xander almost tipped Spike off the bed in his efforts to find another tube of lubricant.  He finally delved into the drawer of Spike’s cabinet, rooting around before coming to a complete halt.

“Wha…?”

Spike grinned as Xander sat up, fresh tube in one hand, leather cuffs in the other.

“Little gift for you.  Bought ‘em when I got the strap.”

Xander explored the mystery object and eventually his mind caught on.  He pushed the cuffs at Spike in a panic.

“Don’t put them on me, don’t make me have them, please…”

“They’re for me to wear,” Spike quickly reassured.

“Don’t put them on me, don’t tie me up.”

“They’re a gift for you.  To put on me,” Spike spelt out.  He ran his hand over Xander’s cheek, semi-slick fingers skating across the skin.  “I wouldn’t restrain you, I know the thought scares you.  But you like me helpless and ready for you.  I know it’s always been about you pressing my buttons, but you liked it, didn’t you, love?  Before.  When you tied me up and fucked me?”  Xander nodded.  “We both liked it.”  Xander nodded again and followed Spike’s actions as he slipped a wrist into the first cuff and held it out for Xander to tighten.  Xander nodded yet again and did up the buckle.  “You want me like before?”  At the fourth nod, Spike laid on his back and reached up to the headboard.  Xander automatically looped the cuffs around a bar and buckled Spike’s free wrist into its cuff.  Spike flexed against them, grinding the linking chain against the metal of the headboard and shuddering with anticipation.  “All yours, Xan.”

Xander sat back and looked.  Spike was chained.  Claimed.  Magnificent.  His.

“This time we go sublime,” he sang hoarsely, and Spike smiled at this familiar method of Xander calming himself down.  "Lovers entwine, divine, divine.  Love is danger, love is pleasure.”  He leant forward and kissed the weeping tip of Spike’s cock.  “Love is pure, the only treasure.”  Licked his lips, stared into Spike’s eyes.  “I’m so in love with you…”

“Fuck me.”

Xander swallowed noisily and sang again.

“I’m so in love with you…”

“Make love to me.”

Xander groaned and moved to straddle Spike, dropping his hips and rubbing their cocks together in a brisk, almost painful, action.  He fell forward to suck at Spike’s neck, collar bone, nipples, all the time grinding and grinding, and now it was Spike’s turn to plead for more.  Xander ran his hands along the bar, onto the chain, the leather, Spike’s hands, arms, shoulders.  He stopped to worry the claim mark and settled onto the strong body beneath him, sucking and teasing the old scar as he lay sprawled, letting Spike take over the grind and making it a languid, sensual thing.

The chemical buzz was accentuating every sensation, successfully eliminating the last scrap of sense Xander had going for him.  He knew what he wanted.  He’d never have a better opportunity to bring Spike around to his way of thinking.  With a cheeky grin he sat back up, found the lube, waved it at his lover.

“Fuck me,” Spike encouraged, just the right side of pleading.

“Close your eyes.”  Spike’s gaze dropped to Xander’s cock, a request to let him watch, but…  “Close your eyes.”  …Xander insisted.

Spike closed his eyes, felt every other sense expand.  One groan became the next and the next until the frequent kisses and touches to his quivering body brought about a continual, low growl that vibrated through Xander, attuning them more acutely than ever.  Xander was moving, Spike spreading his legs in welcome, but…

Spike’s eyes shot open as Xander positioned himself over the vampire’s erection, taking his time because this wasn’t as easy as Spike made it look.

“No, Xander,” Spike said, softly at first in disbelief, “no, Xander, no.”

“Be okay,” Xander crooned.  “It’ll be fine, I promise, and then…”

“No!” Spike shouted, attempting to free his body as Xander tried to pin it to the bed.

“We do it once, you’ll be able to do it again.  You’ll see it won’t hurt me and you’ll want me and we’ll…”

As Xander rambled comfortingly on, all Spike could see was the corruption that still infested his body being passed to his pure, precious lover.  He screamed for Xander to stop as he yanked against the cuffs, hoping it would be statement enough to make Xander think, but he felt himself pressing at tight heat, his cock already unbearably stimulated and undiscerningly prepared to share the filth that polluted him.

He did the only thing left to him.

He panicked.

With a roar he tore the cuffs apart, warping and scoring the metal of the headboard, violently twisting himself under his partner.  In his panic exerting too much force and sending Xander flying, throwing him clear of the bed.

There was a sudden stillness.  Broken only by ragged breathing.

Spike stared at Xander, panting from the old fear, panting from the new fear that was introducing itself as he realised the significance of what he’d just done.

Meantime Xander lay studying the floor, which was a lot closer than it should have been.  Abruptly feeling unpleasantly sober.  Entirely humiliated.  Hurt.  Beyond words, maybe even beyond rational thought.

As Spike drew breath to launch into the first of many thousand apologies, Xander scrambled to his feet, grabbed his robe and walked out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him, despite, or maybe because he knew that it would take some time for Spike to get it open again.

When Spike finally managed to leave the bedroom he found Xander sitting at the table in the kitchen staring into an empty coffee mug, so despondent that it brought tears to his eyes.

“Xander?”

“I don’t want to talk.”  The voice rough, throat constricted.

“Please?”

“You’re so appalled by the thought of fucking me you throw me off the bed.  I don’t think there’s anything more to say.”

“I wasn’t appalled,” Spike protested, “it’s what I want, I don’t have the words to express how much I want it, want you, I just…”  He sucked in a sharp breath and fell silent.

“Great.  You really don’t have the words.  That helps.”

“Xander, I’m…”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry!” Xander shouted as he pushed himself away from the table, seeing Spike’s alarm but unable to give either a damn or comfort at that precise moment.  He turned sharply and left the room.

Spike followed rapidly, grabbing Xander’s arm before he was more than a few paces into the hall, refusing to let his human shake him off.  Xander fell still, vibrating with tension, facing Spike and glaring furiously at him.

“Let go.”

“I can’t.”

“So, what do you want?  What do you want me to say?  That it’s all okay?  That I’m not feeling like a total jerk for thinking you might want me?  That it doesn’t hurt knowing you could fuck around with people who mean nothing to you but you won’t fuck the person you’re supposed to love?  All out of okay here, Spike.” 

“Xander…”

“In the middle of all that other shit, was that the truth?  One truth, the truth?”

Spike looked bewildered.

“I don’t…”

“That the only man you’ll ever want, be able to bear to fuck is…”  Xander couldn’t even say it, but Spike remembered, inwardly cursing himself a thousandth time for the lies and spite he’d used against Xander.

“It wasn’t true.”

“It wasn’t…  I’m beginning to think you wouldn’t know the truth if it bit you on the ass.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what’s the truth.  I don’t think you know.  Everything that comes out of your mouth is…is about…”  Xander sought the word, knew it was in his head somewhere.  Alcohol versus vocabulary, but he got there.  “Expediency.  You’re one big fucking lie, and…and…”  Xander took a sharp, furious, misery-soaked breath.  “You don’t want me.  You don’t—”  The words broke off; Xander closed his eyes and felt the world swim.

Spike took a step closer, stroking Xander’s face and attempting to diffuse the angry outburst.

“Get your hands off of me,” Xander spat as his eyes snapped open, wrenching himself away.  “You don’t get to use me any more.”

“I’m not – I’ve never…”

“No more, Spike.  I’ve been so patient, I’ve tried to be supportive, but I guess I’m not that nice a guy.”  One more look at Spike’s genuinely miserable face and Xander proved himself an outright liar.  No way Spike’d make him feel like this if he had any way to stop it.  A flash of sanity and a massive sigh drained the anger from Xander; he reached out and pulled Spike close, feeling the tremor of relief and getting the first hit of guilt.  “I want you in me.  I love you and I want you,” he whispered urgently.  “Remember what is was like?  That needing to be claimed?”  Nod.  “I feel that.  It’s what I always wanted: to be claimed by you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want an apology, I want an explanation.  You say you want me…”  Emphatic nod.  “…and I believe that.  I do believe that, however much I’m smarting right now.”

“I love you, Xander, it isn’t rejection, it isn’t rejection.”

“Then you have to explain what’s wrong, why you can’t do it.”

“No.”

“I need to understand.”

“No.”

Spike pulled away, only managing a few steps before he had to fight the urge to return to Xander, return to the warmth and the comfort of his embrace.

“Tell me, Spike.  It’s hurting you, I need to know, I…”

“Have to know what’s wrong so you can make it better?  How many times have I heard that?”

Xander shrugged.

“How many times has it worked?  How many times have I made it better for you?”

“Too many to count,” Spike answered quietly.

“So, tell me.”

Spike turned to Xander, gazed at him with teary eyes.

“I can’t, Xander.  Not this time.”

“Don’t you trust me?” Xander asked sadly.

“Come off it, you know I do.”

“It doesn’t feel like it right now.”

“Don’t, love.  I would tell you if I could.”

“That makes it worse.  The fact that you can’t, rather than you won’t.  Prick you and I bleed, remember?  What hurts you hurts me.”

“Look…let me think about it.”

“More?  You telling me it isn’t on your mind every other minute of the day?”  Spike flinched at the direct hit.  Xander saw it, felt it, knew this was huge and horrible and found himself too distressed to continue; he backed off.  “I’ll…um…  I’ll be…”

“Don’t walk away.”

“No, you’re right: you think, maybe later we’ll talk, maybe we won’t.  No harm done.”

Xander headed for the stairs.

“I’m not brave enough to tell you, Xander,” came from behind him, Spike’s voice breaking with the admission.  Xander returned within seconds, trying to get close, but ultimately respecting Spike’s desire for space as he now slow-paced back and forth.

“You’re incredibly brave, Spike.”

“Then why am I so scared?”

“Being brave doesn’t mean you never get scared.”

“Scared of words.  I can’t even manage the words.”

“Try?  For me?”

Spike turned his back on Xander, wrapping his arms around his head and remaining as still and remote as a statue for a good ten minutes.  Xander waited, feeling limp with emotional exhaustion and intoxication.

“Falling asleep on my feet here.  You want me to stay?  If you don’t want me to stay I’m going up.  I’m going up, ‘kay?”  No response.  “Spike, you hear me?”  Nothing.

Xander gave up on communication and made his way up the stairs.

Standing in the doorway of their bedroom, Xander stared at the empty bed and saw it happen.  Passion, fingers, wanting.   Cuffs, control, rejection.

“Not rejection, my ass,” Xander muttered to himself, smiling bitterly at the thought because it was precisely his ass that had been rejected.  Again.  Again and again and again.  “However good the reason is it’s still rejection.”

Movement caught his eye and he glanced around to see Spike moving toward him along the corridor, slow pace, gaze averted, a submissive approach that exacerbated Xander’s chemical-based tetchiness because he wanted Big Bad, and he wanted him big and bad.  With every step that Spike took Xander tried to reason with himself, arguing back and forth, petulance warring with love, bloody-minded stubbornness taking on his capacity for understanding and forgiveness.

Spike stopped beside him, hand raising twice, three times before he had the courage to touch, tracing his fingertips over the back of Xander’s hand.

“You know I love you, don’t you?” Xander asked.

“Yes,” came the subdued reply.

“You know how deeply, you know you’re my one true reason for living?”

“Yes.”

“You know I love you?”

“Yes, Xander, I know.”

“Good.  I’m sleeping alone, please don’t disturb me.”

Spike watched, appalled, as his security walked into a spare bedroom and shut him decisively out.

Couple of hours spent passed out and Xander was nagged awake by a raging thirst.  He pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the bed and found a bottle of water on the cabinet beside him.  Forget feeling like shit physically, it made him feel like shit emotionally to think that Spike had sneaked in to leave this, battling through a closed door for the second time that night, caring about Xander and knowing he’d need it when he woke.  He gratefully drank it down, mind chugging along and trying to put on a burst of speed so his guilt could catch up with his idiocy.

Thrown from the bed?  He deserved to be thrown from the window.  The roof.  Hire a light aircraft and head for thousands of feet.

He rose, swayed, still a little high despite the pseudo-sober attitude, headed for the door.  I shut him out.  I treated him like shit, turned my back on his problems, and shut him out.  It’s not like he wants much from me, but he wants me from me and I took me away.  Staring at the handle wasn’t helping the situation.  Turning it might.  Opening the damn door might.  Try going to his own bed and climbing in alongside the one person in this whole un-needing world who truly needed him.

Xander opened the door.  The hall light was on, perfectly illuminating the still-naked vampire who was crouched in a tight ball across the corridor.  Fully conscious but unwilling to meet Xander’s eyes, he studied the floor and…breathed.  Crushed by his own stupidity, Xander turned and went back to the bed, falling onto it and trying for the nth time to figure out a way to put something un-rightable right.

So busy inwardly berating himself, Xander almost missed the slight dip of the mattress that indicated Spike was on the bed with him.  His inner self immediately fell silent at this possible reprieve and it took all his courage to roll onto his back, hold out an arm to the vampire, and hope.   Spike was there in an instant, snuggling onto his chest, face against his neck, cold limbs winding with Xander’s.  Xander groaned with relief, squeezing Spike to him so tightly that he forced out a throaty creak.

“Sweetheart,” he whispered, “my sweetheart.”  Strokes and kisses.  “What was I thinking?  That was so bad of me, Spike, I don’t know what to say to you.  Sorry isn’t enough.  Should I promise no more drinking?  No more drugs?  Whatever you want, I’ll do it, I promise.”

“Forgive me,” came the predictable murmur.

“There’s nothing to forgive, nothing.  If there were anything I’d forgive you in a heartbeat but there’s nothing.  You want me to forgive you anyway?  Then I forgive you.  I forgive you.  That was so bad of me,” Xander reiterated, voice shaking with contrition.  “I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness, but I can’t, because you’d give it to me and I don’t deserve it.”

The nuzzling at Xander’s neck became more intense, and Xander recognised the pull that said Spike was marking him; the need to be marked became intense and Xander held Spike’s head in place, encouraging him.  A scrape of fangs and the usual response: a Xander hard and willing, kneading Spike’s shoulders, pressing his erection up into an exploring hand.  Xander gasped as his skin was broken, waiting for more penetration but feeling only a few tentative laps of Spike’s tongue.

“Do it,” he urged, his voice cracking.  “No!” as Spike disengaged and lifted his head.  “Don’t stop,” Xander begged, face flushed and sweaty with more than lust.

“Know what, love?” Spike said softly, hand abandoning Xander’s cock to stroke back the tendrils of hair clinging to his face.

“What?”

“Whatever that is in your system, it’s…foul.  It’s seeping out through every pore and you stink of it.  Worse than that, you taste like shit.”

“I…I…”

“Still, never mind, eh?”  If the edge in Spike’s voice was any indication of his inner rage, Xander was lucky the chip was still in place.  “Had a good night, didn’t you?”

“I’m sorry.”

Spike pushed himself away, off the bed, needing to pace off some anger.

“We’re always sorry.  Have you noticed the amount of time that dismal word crosses our lips?  I’m sick of being sorry, Xander, and I never want to hear it from you again.”

Xander pushed himself up onto his elbows and stared at his lover.

“Even when I am?”

“We stop saying it, being it, causing it.”

“It’s not always possible to get things right, Spike, I…”

“We try.  We do our best and accept when things get fucked up.  We say we fucked up, we don’t go crawling on our bellies to each other.  You summed it up perfectly earlier: you don’t want an apology, you want to understand.  That’s what we aim for.  Can you do that, Xander?”

“I can try.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll run over this again when you’re straight.”

“Thanks,” Xander acknowledged under his breath, not prepared to dispute that he’d need it.  “But…”  Spike stared at him, waiting for what next.  “It’s not lip service.  If I say it I mean it.”

“I know.  But this will make us stronger.”

“How?”

Spike sighed impatiently and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Trust me.  I can’t be bothered to explain until you get it, so you trust me.”  Spike looked the challenge.  “Trust me.”

“I do.  I will.”

“Repeat that when you’ve got enough brain function to understand what you’re agreeing to and we’ll take it from there.”

“I didn’t do this on purpose.”

“But did you think?

Xander considered.

“No.”

“Never again.  You offered never again and I’m taking you up on it.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll hold you to that.  And if you let me down I’ll risk the chip to kick Jake from here to next week, all right?”

“It’s not…!”

“Additional motivation,” Spike snapped.  “Agree.  Agree, and it’s your fault if I hurt him because you’ll be responsible for my actions.”

Xander took it in, slack-jawed in amazement, unreliable body tightening in lust for the strength he saw before him.

“I agree.  And I won’t let you down.”

“That’s right.  You won’t.”

“We talking beer, or just…”

“What do you trust yourself with?”

“Me?  I thought you were…”

“I’m not making your decisions, Xander.  You are.  Make one.”

“I…er…  I’m okay on beer.  But I’ll be careful not to overdo it.”

A smile broke out on Spike’s face, transforming it.  Xander shifted uncomfortably as he got a little harder, knowing this was bad, bad timing.  Or maybe not.

“Want me, love?”

“Yes.”

“Think you deserve me?”

“No.”

“Deserve this?”  Spike’s hands ran down his body, trailing provocatively over the places Xander loved to kiss and touch.  “Any of this?”

Speechless, Xander shook his head, reaching for his cock as Spike took his own in hand.

“I…”  Xander pulled his hand away from his undeserving body and met Spike’s eyes.  “I’m…  I was so wrong.  I’ll never do anything like that again.  I’ll never pressure you, I’ll never even mention it.”

“Good.  It may never happen, I may never be able to do what you want.”

“Okay,” Xander agreed sorrowfully.  “Spike…  Do you…can you still trust me?”

Spike mentally poked at the concept from various angles.

“I trust you.  You won’t change that.  Whatever you do.”

“I’m…  Thank you.”

A long look passed between them, self-reproach and forgiveness.

“Now.  Go and shower.  When you’re sweet again come and fuck me.”  Xander rose awkwardly and headed for the door, pausing by Spike and wanting to hold him, even just touch him.  “When you smell sweet,” Spike told him, “you’ll have me.”

“Okay.”

“Hurry?”

It was the reprieve Xander had been waiting for.  He grabbed Spike by the shoulders and hauled him close, kissing his mouth hard until the vampire began to chuckle into the kiss.

“What?” Xander asked against the pouting mouth.

“You’re a disobedient bugger.”

“Shower with me?  Please?”

“You going to fuck me in there?”

“You going to let me?”

“I’ll probably let you.”

“I’ll probably fuck you.”

Another kiss and Xander was refusing Spike’s efforts to move him in the direction of the bathroom.

“Are we showering?”  Xander shook his head, choking back a huge swell of emotion.  “Why not?”

“Not until…”  Xander pulled Spike into a hug, so tight his muscles were trembling with the effort.  The soft touches he got in response made the words possible.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered into Spike’s ear.  “I’m sorry.”

 

 

Repossession 78       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

 

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