Spike felt battered.  Not only had the chip given him two excruciating reminders of why he was a fraction of the creature he used to be, but he had also made William livid and the tirade of furious and distressed thoughts was enough to make him plead weakly for forgiveness from his inner companion before he pulled himself together and went to plead forgiveness from the outer.

It didn’t matter that Xander had driven a stake an inch into his body to make a point: the wound itself was virtually healed and Spike had learnt a good lesson of the ‘be careful of what you wish for’ variety.  It was the malice of his response that would have to be dealt with.  Xander had always been in control.  Spike hadn’t.

Spike tentatively unfurled from where he had scrunched himself into his chair, feeling the repercussions of activating the chip: his head throbbed viciously, his body ached, his skin felt as if he were swimming in holy water.  Out into the hallway and he breathed deeply, taking in the scent of Xander’s blood and faltering under another barrage of condemnation from William.

Taking his time he made his way up the stairs, listening as Xander went from bathroom to bedroom, dithering before getting any closer because he wasn’t sure how he was going to put this right.  I want to be with Xander.  Another ten minutes prevarication and William was doggedly pushing him into confronting Xander, wanting apologies made and normal service resumed.

…

Xander was swinging wildly between being deeply upset and just as deeply angry.  Presently running on anger, he’d patched himself up, made a decision, and was in the bedroom right now implementing it.  As Spike appeared in the doorway he’d just finished packing for him, and he tossed the holdall in the vampire’s direction.  Spike caught the bag, mind speeding through the implications.

“Xander?”

“Go to LA and let some hacker fry your brain.”

“What…now?” Spike stuttered.

“Sooner rather than later,” Xander repeated Spike’s earlier words.

“But…”

“But what?” Xander demanded, really looking at Spike for the first time, and with that look his emotions took a hearty swing back in the direction of deeply upset.  Slight post-chip tremor, bloodshot eyes, looking paler than usual if that was possible, the vampire seemed fit to drop.  “You going to be okay?” Xander asked before he could stop himself.

“Not to drive to LA,” Spike said quietly, placing the holdall on the floor.  His eyes fixed on the dressing Xander had taped over the scrape on his thigh.  Guilt: big, huge, massive guilt filled every inch of him.  He gestured.  “Is it…”

“Nothing much.”

“Nothing much?” Spike echoed disbelievingly.

“I…I don’t think I want to talk about it.  Any of it.  But…”  Xander paused, took a deep breath.  “I have to ask you two things.  First…  What happened?  What happened to suddenly make you…”  Xander didn’t know how to finish that.

“Being there.  Where it happened to you,” Spike semi-lied with great feeling.  “Knowing I couldn’t have helped even if I’d been around.”

“But, you said before…”

“What else?  Two things you wanted to ask.”

“Yeah,” Xander said, virtually inaudibly, moving so that Spike couldn’t see his face.

“If it’s about the sex, you know I’m about to give in any second and…”

“You want us to break up?” Xander asked, fast, as if it had to come out like that or not at all.  “Because if I’m getting this wrong and making you weak, I can’t…  I can’t stand the thought of that…”

“No, Xander.”  Spike was already on his way and pulling Xander into his arms.

“I can let you go,” Xander told him with a trembling voice.  “Think it’ll kill me but I can let you go if it’s for you.”

“No, no, no,” Spike whispered fervently as he rolled his brow against Xander’s, “I didn’t mean all that, I was just…venting.”

“I’m pretty sure you meant it.  You want us to break up?”

“No, love, no.”  Spike nuzzled Xander’s cheek, working around to his mouth, kissing him frantically.

“Don’t start anything,” Xander said as he eased back, catching the hands that had ceased holding and started roaming.  Spike nodded but edged Xander toward the bed.  “Don’t, Spike.  You can’t always fuck your way out of a bad situation.”

“Sit down, let me see your leg.  I’ll help you heal.  You want some blood?”  Xander shook his head and Spike understood, however reluctantly.  “Tell William you’re all right, will you?  He’s giving me a proper bloody bollocking in here.”

Xander sat and let Spike peel up the dressing, thinking chip and determinedly not wincing as the tape pulled hairs out of his leg.

“William,” he said and Spike’s head automatically came up, leaving Xander wondering for a few seconds if somehow a change could have taken place so smoothly, but no, this was Spike, he could feel this was Spike.  “I’m fine, Will.  You can leave Spike alone.”

As Xander watched he saw Spike’s relief as William withdrew and peace broke out.  Then a sharp intake of breath as Spike exposed the wound; Xander looked too, but knew it was all show and no substance.

“Just seems bad because the bruise is coming out.”

“Oh, Xander, love, I’m…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Xander snapped.  “I don’t need to hear you’re sorry and I don’t want to hear what you did or didn’t mean, okay?  I’m being typical me.  I don’t like the subject so I’m putting off thinking about it.”

“Liar,” Spike retorted equally as sharply.  “You won’t stop thinking about it for a minute.  You’ll put off talking about it, resolving it.”

Xander pushed Spike aside and clumsily slapped the dressing back over the wound, grimacing at the sting.

“Just get away from me.  Go to bed, you look like shit.  Fucking chip, sooner you get that out the…”  Xander heard what was emerging from his mouth and shut up.

Spike stripped off and fell into bed, emitting a subdued moan of pleasure as his muscles relaxed.  Xander watched as Spike stretched until he shuddered then slumped in relaxation for a second time.  Blue eyes opened to slits to return the gaze.

“Come to bed, Xander.  I won’t touch you,” he said calmly.

Xander undeniably thought twice, but slid beneath the covers, turning his back to Spike and wishing he could let the tension go as easily as his partner.  He couldn’t let Spike’s words go either, and knew he wasn’t due for much sleep.

“When will you leave?” he asked after a short time spent in uncomfortable thought.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You have to.  You just better decide what you want if this guy fucks you up, if…”  Xander’s breath caught.   “What if it destroys William?”

“No fucking up, no destroying William.  I won’t do it, Xander.  It would mean defying you, Angel and William, and I can’t do that.  It would also mean being monumentally stupid and, despite all the evidence to the contrary, I’m not.”

Xander accepted that, feeling gratitude he wouldn’t allow himself to express, falling silent.  After a while he felt Spike’s hand on his hip, and he followed its course as it ran down to the dressing.

“It’ll be fine.”

“Let me…”

“No.  Leave it alone.”  He pushed the hand away.

“I don’t want you to scar.”

“Believe me, I won’t,” Xander told him edgily, unsure as to whether Spike was taunting him about cutting himself during the vampire’s extended absence earlier in the year.

In the ensuing quiet Xander went repeatedly over what Spike had said and, yes, maybe he had been venting, but that didn’t make his words any less honest or disturbing.  Perhaps it took a tantrum for Spike to be able to reveal his true feelings instead of worrying about Xander’s.  In the midst of the emotional upheaval there was one simple point Xander wanted to clear up.

“You’re not my charity case.  You’re not my fuck-toy.  You’re not my pet.  Okay?”

“I don’t actually mind being…”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t realise you resented me so much.  I don’t know what to do about that.”

“Spouse.”

“What?”

“You didn’t mention spouse.  In the list of things I’m not.”

“So?” Xander asked defensively.  “You going to bawl me out for how I feel about you?  We both know you don’t feel the same way so let it go.”

“We know that, do we?”

“You started me thinking that way.  At Christmas, remember?  You married a corporate whore and daddy would be proud?”  Spike chuckled softly; Xander tried to ignore him.  “That’s how close I think we are.  Thought we were.”

Spike was suddenly draped over him, refusing to be shrugged off.

“We are, love.  We are.”

“Why do you have to lie?”

“Because I’m a bad vampire,” Spike whispered as he nuzzled Xander’s ear, “and I ought to be punished.”

“I’m losing track.  I don’t know what’s a lie and what’s the truth.  Do you ever tell me the truth?”

“C’mon, hubby, you going to let me claim my conjugal rights?”

“This isn’t a joke.”

“Need you, Xan.  Make it better.  You always make it better.”

“How can you need me when you resent me so much?  If I’m making you weak?”

“Fuck me, Xander,” Spike purred, hand beneath Xander’s t-shirt caressing his chest, and rapidly sliding downwards.

Xander let Spike do what he wanted, lay there barely involved as the vampire eased him onto his back and coaxed his boxers down to his knees before touching him, persuading his cock to hardness; Spike disappeared under the covers to take Xander in his mouth for a while, then attended to the wound he couldn’t ignore or forget, discarding the dressing so he could lave the damaged flesh.

Xander felt that sense of inevitability again.  Spike would get what he wanted (if not how he wanted it) and even if Xander contributed nothing more than a body to their love-making Spike would go ahead: if Xander didn’t fuck him, he would fuck himself on Xander.  Xander would carry on being insanely in love with someone who resented him, and imbalanced relationships heavy on resentment and light on honesty – because Spike obviously hadn’t been honest until now – had little chance of succeeding.

“Did you turn everything off?  Downstairs?” Xander asked as if there wasn’t a vampire sucking his balls.  “Did you check the alarm?  Spike?”

“No.”  Xander brushed Spike off and began to get up, reaching down to tug up his boxers.  “Leave it, Xander,” Spike whined as he threw back the covers and knelt up.

Xander stood and gazed at the enticing picture before him: dishevelled two-tone hair, eyes glowing with lust, tongue flicking out to lick the flavour of Xander from his lips.  Gold chain laying against a white-scarred claimant’s mark.  Chest heaving in breathy pre-fuck anticipation, hands impatiently rubbing thighs because if they couldn’t be on Xander’s body they had to be doing something.  Glossy-headed erection that clung to Spike’s flat belly.  Irresistible enough to banish all thoughts other than the obvious.  Usually.

“What don’t you resent?” Xander spoke quietly, sounding oddly detached.

The arousal and smug satisfaction on Spike’s face transmuted to concern.

“Xander?”

“What don’t you resent?  What about me don’t you resent?   Dick and bank balance?”

Spike remained speechless as Xander pulled on his robe and attempted to leave the room, but leapt to his feet and managed to get between Xander and the door before the human knew he’d moved.

“I don’t resent you.”

“You’re lying again.”

“All right, maybe I do in a way, but you make it sound…”

“What it is?  Look, I’ve…  I’ve never expected you to be grateful for anything I’ve done, you never even had to say thanks.  But it’s hard to hear that I’ve got everything so wrong when all I’ve been doing is my best.”

“You haven’t got…”

“Let me finish?”

Spike nodded and reluctantly backed off, sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Xander expectantly and wishing he’d get mad and scream and shout, far easier to cope with than this strange passiveness.

“Finish.”

Deep in his own thoughts, Xander sat too, and Spike waited with growing discomfort for him to speak.

“I was always scared of getting it wrong,” he said at last.  “I don’t think I’ve ever admitted to myself just how scared, but it’s been hanging over me from the moment I found you in that alley.  The fact I could screw up and make everything worse for you in the long run.”  He turned his head and took a long look at Spike who was, on the surface, stronger and healthier than he’d been for years.  “I couldn’t help wanting to protect you, can’t help it.  I’m not trying to make you weak, I’m not trying to undermine you in any way, but…  I can tell you I love you but it’s not enough, I – I…  Don’t have the words for how I feel about you.  I’ve never had the words.

“I know what you are, and I don’t blame you for wanting to be whole, wanting to be…what must be inside you, screaming to be let out.  It’ll happen, I believe it’ll happen, you’ll get rid of the chip and have back everything you’ve lost.  And I know…”  Xander’s voice caught.  He took a hefty breath and pushed on.  “I know that when it happens there’s a chance, a good chance, that we won’t stay together, not as we are, because this life won’t appeal to you anymore, I mean, why should it?  It’s abnormal for you.  And like you said, there are only moments of contentment.”

Spike couldn’t stand it any longer.  He moved to Xander’s side and tugged him into an unreciprocated embrace.

“Don’t,” he said urgently.  “Don’t ever think I’ll leave you.  You want to finish this, that’s for you to decide, but know I’ll never leave you, Xander.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I can, I do.  Don’t let the sulking and flouncing and behaving like an absolute tosser throw you.  There’s a functioning mind in here somewhere and I know with absolute certainty that I want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me.”  He slid his hand under Xander’s robe and gingerly touched his thigh.  “Sorry I hurt you.”

“You meant to,” Xander observed without censure.

“I’m being ridiculous.  More than that: contemptible.  Taking it out on you because—”

“Because?”

“I’m so fucking angry about not being able to deal with the scum that dared to hurt you,” Spike sighed.  “Frustrated.  Fucking useless.”

“I do get it.  I get it.  I’d be angry too.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Spike reiterated, a little more forcefully.

“I know.”

Xander also knew that Spike was waiting for forgiveness, but he wasn’t sure if he felt that yet.  Understanding, yes, but forgiveness…  Not easy when Spike’s actions had so thoroughly rocked him, undermined his belief that the vampire would never raise a hand against him in anger.

“I’m sorry,” Spike tried again, moving to his knees in front of Xander, pushing close.  “Let me make it up to you,” he murmured, taking Xander’s face in his hands and leaning their brows together.

“You don’t have to do any making up.  I understand.”  Spike’s hands slid over neck and shoulders, infiltrated Xander’s robe and inched beneath the t-shirt, only to be captured by Xander and removed.  Xander kissed both of Spike’s palms, holding them to his face for a moment, eyes closed.  “I’m tired.  I’m going to bed to sleep, okay?” he pointedly told Spike as he released the hands.  “You go and do…whatever it is you do all night.  Go.”

Xander stood and tried to brush past Spike but the vampire grasped his thighs, brow now leant against his hip.  Shuffled steps to his left to attempt circumnavigation and Spike’s hands were travelling down his legs until they met the floor.  Spike folded into the position of submission at Xander’s feet and remained there, motionless, as Xander stared with the customary revulsion, allowing his dismay at the sight to break through the numbness he’d been wrapped in since deciding that Spike was going to leave him.

“Why this?” he asked, trying to sound normal but hearing the tremor in his voice.  “Why now?”  Spike said something he didn’t catch; Xander knelt alongside Spike, took up virtually the same position to bring them head-to-head.  “Tell me.”

Spike was whispering the same thing over and over:

“Bad and evil and stupid…”

“Why, Spike?”

“Bad and evil and stupid…”

“There’s no reason for you to think that.”

“Bad and evil and stupid…”

“I don’t think that.”

“Bad and evil and stupid…”

“You can’t be bad or evil or stupid if I love you.”

“Bad and evil and stupid…”

“You’re my beautiful Spike, you’re good and you’re smart and…”  William?  Could it be William? Xander wondered for the second time in less than an hour.  He associated this more with William than Spike, but it did happen to Spike if he was sufficiently traumatised.  Maybe the shock of going to the site…  No, not the site, the street where Xander was attacked, maybe going there had been too much for someone who was still feeling guilty for not being able to protect Xander from a few drunks back in Sunnydale years ago.

“Bad and evil and stupid…”

“Spike?  Sweetheart?  William?”

“Bad and evil and stupid…”

“Spike?”

Tuning out the drone he’d heard too many times before, Xander wracked his brains as he sat up and gently stroked the back of Spike’s head.  But he was too strung out and weary to think of any solution beyond the one he didn’t want to use right now.  He felt the weight of that damned inevitability pressing down on him as he stood and pulled his t-shirt off, deliberated over the boxers but finally discarded them too, laying on the bed, prepared to allow Spike to fuck his way out of a bad situation.

“Spike.  Sweetheart.  My leg hurts where you grazed it.  Can you…”

Spike was already slithering onto the end of the bed, creeping on his belly up to Xander’s thigh and delicately lapping at the broken skin once more.  As expected, the hand that rested on the other thigh began to stroke, lightly making its way to Xander’s groin, fingertips barely brushing his cock until it was plain that Xander wasn’t about to put a stop to this development, then they teased and massaged until Spike’s mouth joined them and took Xander’s erection to the root.

It bore a familiar pattern, the sex that followed Spike feeling bad and evil and stupid.  Xander didn’t like it, but Spike wouldn’t discuss it, refused to even acknowledge there was anything different about it; Xander reached under the pillow for the lubricant so they could get it over with.

As ever, Spike takes the tube but will not meet Xander’s eyes, none of the usual fiery looks that pepper their encounters.  Straddling Xander’s thighs he goes through the pretence of preparing himself, fooling himself that Xander doesn’t notice there’s no stretching, insufficient lubricant, before quickly repositioning himself and rushing penetration.  He deliberately hurts himself – not a pleasurable hurt this time because he knows he’s bad and evil and stupid and needs to be punished – but doesn’t know he hurts Xander too, and Xander won’t show it or tell him in case the knowledge activates the chip at some point.  Xander’s orgasm is absolution for Spike; Xander tries to come fast and finish the unhappy encounter, Spike fights not to reach his own release so he can offer his denial as a penance.

And this time, as ever, Xander let it happen.  But this time, unlike the others, he wasn’t able to switch off the preceding crap, and he particularly wasn’t able to bear seeing blood on Spike’s lip where he was biting down hard as he attempted to control himself.

“Spike?  Look at me.”

“Am.”

“My face.”  Spike did as he was asked but still managed to avoid eye contact.  Xander grabbed his hips and stopped him moving.  “I don’t want it like this, I hate it like this.”

Spike pushed against Xander’s hands, using his greater strength to rise and fall.

“I’ll make you come,” Spike said quietly, tensely.  “Feel good.  You’ll like that.  Like me.”

“I do like you, I love you.  This isn’t right.”

Finally Spike looked at Xander and saw that he was telling the truth; it seemed to knock every scrap of energy out of him.  He pushed himself off and flopped onto the mattress, back to Xander.  The keening started almost immediately, and Xander spooned behind him, holding Spike close and attempting to reassure and comfort him, but the heart-rending sound continued.  After nearly an hour of unsuccessful platitudes Xander was willing to use Spike’s methods: maybe sex as a cure-all was crass, but if it pulled Spike out of his spiralling misery…

Xander kissed Spike’s shoulders as his hand ran over the trembling body, teasing nipples that peaked immediately, dragging nails over that hard stomach to feel the muscles twitch beneath his fingertips, caressing lower, taking the vampire’s burgeoning erection in his hand, grateful for the reaction when it became rigid in seconds.  He started to gnaw on Spike’s neck and felt the libidinous shudder.

“Hey, sweetheart, going to let me make you feel good?”  Gently pinching the head of Spike’s cock, Xander earned himself the first gasp; he relaxed a little and smiled.  “Want to come for me?  You know how I love to watch you…”  Xander almost lost his grip as Spike tried to wriggle away and leave the bed.  Almost.  He drew Spike close again and went back to playing with his cock.  “That’s not nice.   No getting off while you’re getting off.”

“Xander, stop.”

Spike sounded quite sincere; Xander slid his hand away and let it rest on Spike’s hip.

“I want to do this for you.”

“But I don’t deserve it.”

“You don’t have to deserve it.  You just have to humour me, lie back and take it like a vampire.”  Spike tried to pull away again, but Xander had been ready and held him firmly to his chest.  “Just do as you’re fucking told,” he joked.  “Stay still.”

“Bad and evil and stupid,” Spike whispered.

“No,” Xander told him firmly.  “Not bad, not evil, not stupid.  You’re good and you’re smart and no-one had the right to make you feel like that.”

“Bad and evil and…”

“You can’t be if I love you so much, can you?” Xander tried.  “You’re a good person and I love you.”

“I hurt you.”

“You say you want to get back to how you were so maybe that’s a good sign.  It’s how we were once, you remember?  Always lashing out at each other.”

“I hurt you.”

Xander pulled Spike around to face him.

“So what?  I forgive you.  I forgive you,” Xander assured, glad to find that he meant it.  “Sometimes we get upset and irrational and hurtful, but it’s not like it’s some great evil plan to ruin our lives.  We make mistakes.  This time you made a mistake and next time it will be me.  It doesn’t matter because I know you’d never really mean to hurt me.”

“I did mean to.”

“For an instant when you lost your temper.”

“Bad and evil…”

“Stop that, please stop that.  You’re not bad, evil or stupid.  You’re special and precious.  You’re my sweetheart, my honey, you’re – you’re…  Yes, spouse, husband, can’t shake off the laughable human mentality, you’re my husband.”

Tears welled in the vampire’s eyes and Xander drew him closer.

“Help me.  Xander, help me.”

“I want to, I just don’t know what to do.”

“Help me.”

“Tell me what to do.”

“Let me go, Xander.  Please let me go.”

“Now?  You’re not up to it.”

“Please.  I can’t…  Please.”

Xander gave himself all of ten seconds to get used to the idea of Spike leaping out of bed and rushing off to LA.  Perhaps he didn’t have the old level of animosity for Angel any longer, but he still hated the thought of losing his partner to him for any length of time.  More than that, how could he possibly let Spike go when he was so fragile emotionally?  And maybe that kind of thinking is exactly what Spike’s talking about.  Gotta forget the emotionally fragile, gotta think vampire, big bad vampire.  He can look after himself, doesn’t need me pandering to his insecurities, making him weak.   Big bad vampire here.  Making that goddamn-awful noise and grovelling and prostituting himself, oh yeah, that’s real big and bad.  But however much it hurt Xander to hear Spike begging to be allowed to go…  I’m his lover not his keeper, and he sounds desperate to leave.  Leave me.  He has to get away from me.  Xander hated that, couldn’t accept it, knew he had to accept it if they were to keep this relationship together, went back to hating it.

“If you want to go I can’t stop you, Spike.  But earlier, when I said go, I didn’t really want you to.  If you went I wouldn’t want it to be like before, I’d want us to be okay.”

“Let me go.  For a while.  You can do whatever you want while I’m gone.  Whatever, I promise, just let me go.”

He’s going to get his brain destroyed, he’s gonna do that.  And if he doesn’t…  One way or another I’m losing him.

“I…  It’s your decision.”

“Xander…” Spike pleaded.

“Okay, okay, go, it’s okay, go.  Just…give me a while to get used to it?”

Relief transformed Spike’s face and he slumped in Xander’s arms, a literal dead weight as he was rocked and whispered to.  Giving Xander a while rather than leaping out of bed and rushing away, but Xander suspected he would wake in the morning and find himself alone, or come home from work tomorrow to an empty house.

Xander was very nearly asleep when Spike stirred, and his arms crept around Xander, tightening until they were bands of steel and Xander was becoming uncomfortable enough to wake fully.

“Hey,” he murmured, “we’ve had the lung expansion conversation how many times now?  Real live breathing creature here, need to…”

“Xander,” came as the softest whisper; the hold loosened ever so slightly.  “Xander.”  And there was such earnest love and sweetness in that hushed word that Xander was the one automatically increasing the pressure of their embrace.

“You okay?” he asked.  “Feeling any better?”  As in not going anywhere, not getting your brain zapped, never leaving me ever?  “You okay?”  Xander wriggled them apart so he could see Spike’s face.  “Tell me you’re—”  Xander knew, the moment he met the bright eyes.  With a delighted laugh he pulled the vampire close, rolling onto his back and manoeuvring the relaxed form on top of him.  “William.”

“Alexander.”

Pure happiness swept through Xander, wave after wave of the intoxicating stuff.  He caressed the familiar face as if he hadn’t seen it in months and didn’t even attempt to shed the big, silly grin on his own.

“How are you, Will?”

William ignored the question, too busy looking Xander over.

“I am utterly relieved to witness your good health.  To see for myself.”

“I’m well, nothing more for you to worry about.”

“I have been inordinately afraid for you,” William admitted, smile disappearing as recent events tumbled through his mind.  “I thought…”  The jaw trembled and William dropped his head onto Xander’s shoulder and clung to him, shaking with suppressed emotion.  Xander stroked and comforted, so used to this process that he fell into the pattern of reassurance without a moment’s thought.   It didn’t last long: soon William was easing himself away.  Or at least he was attempting to against Xander’s endeavours to keep him exactly where he was.

“Xander, you will let me go,” William protested.

“Just stop and tell me that Spike is okay.”

William lay still.

“He is most agitated, by both the occurrences of the evening and his subsequent behaviour.  This time in retreat will allow him to be calm and reflect without excessive reaction.”

“Chilling out instead of freaking out.”

“As you say.  Now, if you will…”

Back to the escape attempt.  Xander’s grip didn’t loosen for a second.

“Stay here.  This is nice.”

“I am not accustomed to this degree of contact, and we are, quite inappropriately, naked.  Please release me and avert your eyes so that I may find suitable attire.”

It was preposterously correct and Xander was delighted.

“I know that body better than I know my own,” he grinned.  “Bit late for getting coy.”

“You are familiar with Spike’s body.  This is mine,” William unconvincingly contradicted his usual standpoint.

“Of course it is.”  Xander nodded, mock serious.  “How could I have mistaken you for him?  Or is that him for you?  You’re the least identical identical twins I’ve ever seen.  I mean, you’re the five-ten, blue-eyed, bleached blond with the body that drives me wild, whereas he’s the five-ten, blue-eyed, bleached blond with the body that drives me wild.  Good God, how could I have been so blind?”

William squirmed within Xander’s grasp, trying to keep his features neutral, but his eyes shone with amusement and he gave in to laughter as Xander suddenly turned them and pinned him to the bed.  With the demon’s strength at his disposal, William could have tossed Xander aside without strain, but he chose to be subdued and cuddled.

“Yes,” William agreed softly, “this is nice.  You are…nice.”

“I’m nice, huh?”

“You are…very…nice.”

They exchanged a gentle smile, which evolved into a gaze filled with affection, which evolved into the ‘more’ that always bubbled beneath the surface when they were together.  Very, very slowly, Xander leant down and brushed his lips over William’s.  Once, and he waited for the objection that never came.  Again, a little firmer.  Firmer became harder and William’s fingers trailed over Xander’s chin, the lightest of touches instigating the smallest space between them.

“Xander, this is dangerous,” William whispered, his mouth almost on Xander’s.

Xander didn’t want to give it up.  Whether it was back to being angry at Spike or simply the suppressed desire he felt for William he didn’t know, but inappropriately naked was exceptionally good and, after all…

“Spike knows.  He said I could do whatever I wanted.  He knew what would happen, why else would he say that?”

“He is permitting you to punish him.”

“You know what he did tonight?  Everything he said?”  William nodded.  “Have you been close?  It’s almost as if I felt you here a couple of times.”

“My concern has kept me close.”

“Concern for him?”

“For you both.  I gave you my word that I would protect you.”

“So you thought I needed protection.  That says a lot.”

“But I did not seriously believe he would damage you.”

Beat.

“Okay.  You think he deserves to be punished?”

“He deserves understanding.”  Xander fell onto his back, crossed his arms over his eyes.  “Retaliation and censure can only be divisive.  You and Spike own a great love, and you must not allow it to be endangered by transitory bitterness.”

“Does he think he deserves to be punished?”

“Evidently.”

“Then why don’t I give him exactly what he wants?” Xander asked with a fine show of the bitterness William had mentioned.  “It will be about all I’ve managed to get right in a long time.”

“That is untrue and you are well aware of it.  You are no simpleton, Xander, and you recognise his capacity for self-destruction.  If you are to be as petulant as he, all hope is lost.”

Xander gave a deep sigh and put his petulance away for another time.  He dropped his arms and looked to William.

“What happened tonight, Will?  What the hell happened?”

“He has sought retreat from the very moment of your injury.  I have denied him that sanctuary and I see now I was wrong to: without it he has been unable to heal.  Tonight he was confronted by remembrances: of the attack upon your person, of his perceived cowardice at that time, his desperate loneliness during your…absence.  Tonight he was reminded of his situation, his inability to fulfil his obligations as your mate.”

“It was like he hated me.”

“You are his focus.  If he did not adore you so he would not be repeatedly confronted with his inadequacies.”

“So…loving me reminds him that…  No, wait.  If he didn’t love me, the rest wouldn’t matter so much?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know what to do about that.  What can I do?”

“Once again you deem that the solution is your responsibility.  You cannot be the panacea he requires; however well-intentioned your attempts, they have given him false hope and encumbered you with a burden that you cannot and should not be expected to bear.”

“But, I need to…”

“The hour is late, Alexander, and you must rest.”

“Will…”

“We shall discuss this further, but not at present.”

“You’ll be here tomorrow?”

“In all probability.”

“I have to work, I’m sorry I can’t stay with you.”

“I am fully able to make my own amusement.”  William self-consciously removed himself from the bed and found a t-shirt and sweatpants to wear before climbing back in, manhandling Xander onto his side and curling up behind him.  “Now, sleep.”

“You’re different,” Xander observed.  “Stronger.  It suits you.”

“I am no different.”

“You had to cope with a lot, didn’t you?  Keeping Spike on track, dealing with Pat and the others.  Angel.  I’m sorry you had to deal with Angel.”

“I have learned to manage my emotions with regard to Angelus.  Angel.  My demon, however…”

Xander could hear the puzzlement in William’s voice and waited for him to continue.  He didn’t.

“What about your demon?”

“The resentment it exhibits continues to perplex me.  And…I should not be allowing you to draw me into conversation.  I shall be silent and you will most definitely sleep, Xander.”

“But I can’t sleep,” Xander protested.

“I believe you can,” William countered, and he smiled as the first rumbles of a deep purr caused Xander to relax into his embrace with a contented sigh.

Repossession 66       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

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