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Part 39

 

 

 

‘…lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles that's what you do.

For the morning sun in all it's glory,
Greets the day with hope and comfort, too…’

Despite wanting to listen to a song he loved, Xander clicked off the radio, already aware of Spike’s low growl and restless movement beneath the covers.  Before Xander could get out of the bed the vampire had him covered from head to toe, sucking on his neck and resisting any of the human’s attempts at escape.

“Don’t send me to work with a hickey,” Xander whined, even as he shivered at the sensation of the mouth on his skin.  “You can be such a fucking nuisance.”

“Want to finish what you started telling me last night?”

“Telling you?” Xander frowned.  Remembered.  “No.”

“’Kay.”  Back to the sucking.

“Whatever, whatever,” Xander exclaimed, grateful when the vampire let his mouth be eased away before too much damage was done.  Now if he could only shift the rest of him…  “We’ll talk later, I have to go…”

“There was something you wanted to tell me but you weren’t sure that you should,” Spike prompted, using his enhanced strength to become an immovable object.

“Spike!” Xander laughed, wriggling within his grasp.  “Gimme a break!”

“There’s a rarity.  You’re so pretty when you laugh.”

“I’m not pretty.  Girls are pretty.  I’m one strapping, un-pretty, manly man.”

“Very pretty.  And you taste…”  Spike’s mouth was back on his neck.

Xander groaned in frustration.

“Will you please let me go?  Now I’m getting all horny and I don’t want to be horny, I just want to go to work without a hickey, and why is that too much to ask?”  After a moment’s pause Spike released his hold and rolled away.  “Thank you.”

Xander sat up on the edge of the bed and stretched, feeling the movement as Spike slid into his empty place; delicate fingers admiringly traced the muscles of his back.

“I love you, Xander.”

Xander slumped out of his stretch and turned around, studying the relaxed face for the few seconds it took to succumb to the need to kiss it.

“You going to be okay today?”

“I’ll give you a ring if there’re any problems.”

“You can do that anyway.  Anytime.”

“I will miss you though.”

“Me too.  I can’t tell you how glad I am that you’re home.”

“Show me.”

Another kiss, and it deepened of its own accord.  Xander weighed up being an hour late for work against being on time but hopelessly aroused and Spike-fixated for the entire day.  Wasn’t much to think over, and he kicked off the bedclothes to give him better access to the cause of his tardiness.

Beth’s car was in the drive when Xander arrived home that evening and his thoughts flip-flapped between being pleased that Spike had company and worried that Spike didn’t actually want company.  Empty kitchen, empty living room; Xander tried the dining room and found Spike sitting at the table, Beth standing at his side, both poring over an A3 sketchbook.

“Hey, Beth.”

“Alex,” she acknowledged with a broad smile.  “You have to see this.”

Xander moved to the far side of Spike, affectionately brushing his hair with a light touch and being rewarded by a hand shooting out and grabbing his collar, bringing his head down for a brief kiss.

“Evening, love.”

“Hi, sweetheart.”  Turning his attention to what Beth was practically dancing on the spot over, he smiled at the charcoal portrait of his friend.  “That’s…special,” Xander murmured as he studied the picture.  It was a Beth of the past, complete with long, braided hair and Scottish clan dress.

“Patrick’s Christmas present,” Beth explained.

“You knew Spike could draw?”

“When we were here last I found his sketchbook down the side of the chair I was sitting in…”

“And the nosy chit couldn’t resist a look.”

“I thought the pictures of you were wonderful, Alex, and then I got to thinking of something that personal for Patrick.  I phoned Spike today and he didn’t mind…” she trailed off, aware of how ultra-protective Xander was but not wanting to sound too pathetically conciliatory.

“It’s great.  Pat’s going to love it.”

“Needs a bit more work, but I’m satisfied,” Spike conceded.  Beth put an arm around him and hugged.  “Leave your notes and photos and I’ll finish it tomorrow.”

The hug transferred to Xander.

“Alex, d’you think you could make a frame?  To match the others you made?  I know there’s only a few days and I will buy one if you can’t.”

“Not a problem.  Hopefully not a problem.  I’ll work out my time tonight and let you know.”

“You’ve got my cell number?”

“What?  You think I’d use the land line like some amateur?  I’ve done my fair share of seasonal sneaking around before.  And unless I’m mistaken, which I’m so not, it’s usually for you.”

Beth tried to look sheepish but it didn’t quite work.

“Better get off before Patrick starts to wonder what I’m plotting.”  Beth kissed the top of Spike’s head before turning and kissing Xander’s cheek.  She grinned and ran a finger over the very obvious hickey on his neck.  “Nice to see your man here isn’t afraid to broadcast his claim.”

“He’s a joy,” Xander replied flatly, transforming Beth’s grin into laughter.

 

Xander saw Beth to the door, and when he turned back he found Spike in the dining room doorway, an unreadable expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“Xander…  I’m good at something.”

For a moment Xander flashbacked to when he’d taken on the first construction job and discovered, after a lifetime of being a failure, that he’d found his niche.  It had been exhilarating.

“You’re good at plenty of stuff, but the drawing is exceptional,” Xander told him as he crossed and took both cold hands in his own.

“I’m good at something,” Spike repeated, still having trouble accepting his own conclusion.  Proximity, though, soon diverted his attention to Xander’s neck.  He leant forward and put his lips on the vivid mark.

“Broadcasting your claim, huh?”  Xander felt Spike smile against his neck.  “Bad enough at the office but then I had to go to a site this afternoon, and I tell ya, I got chewed up and spat out.”

“They wouldn’t dare.”

“Figuratively speaking.  C’mon let’s go and eat.  Do I get to cook for once?  Let me make you something special.”  Xander started toward the kitchen and looked back when Spike made no move to follow.  He was staring in the other direction, eyes wide and fearful.  “Spike?”

“Did you hear that?”

Oh, no, no, no, no…

“Hear what?”

“I thought…”  He shook his head.  “Doesn’t matter.”

“Is it Beth?  Does she disturb you in some way?”

Spike attempted to refocus his attention on Xander.

“What?” he asked distractedly.

“Spike…there’s no-one here but us.”

“I know.  And what was that about Beth?”

“Do you want me to stop her coming back?”

“No.  I like her.”  Taking another look along the passageway that led to the study and games room, Spike edged in Xander’s direction.  Then, in an instant, the perceived threat vanished and Spike returned to normal, passing Xander on his way to the kitchen.  “She asked us over for Christmas.  I said we’d drop in one evening.”

“You sure about that?  Sometimes there are a lot of people.”

“I have to try, Xander,” Spike snapped harshly.  “Support me, don’t shield me.  Don’t let me be weaker than I am.”

“I can’t help feeling protective.”

“Control it.  Do us both that favour.”  Spike looked around the kitchen and headed back to the door; Xander followed him into the hallway, coming to an abrupt halt as the vampire turned and glared.  “Don’t disturb me.”  And he disappeared into the dining room, slamming the doors behind him.

“Great,” Xander sighed.

Four in the morning and the phone went, jolting Xander awake.  He fumbled for the receiver on the bedside cabinet, too dopey to register the caller number.

“Alex Ha…”

“Xander, I’m stuck in this fucking room!”

“Downstairs?” Xander asked blearily, trying to wrap his mind around what he was being told.

“Xander!”

“Okay, okay.  I’m…”

“Don’t hang up!”

“Not hanging up.  Talk to me.”

“I don’t deserve this, Xander.  I don’t deserve what those bastards have left me with.  All the stuff that happened in the past: I’m a fucking vampire, for Christ’s sake, I never questioned my nature, I just got on with it.  It’s not like William solicited this, he was just some poor tosser in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And if I was such an abomination why wasn’t I struck down by a bolt from the heavens?  Do you know, Xander, that angels walk among us?  They walk among us and more often than not they turn their heads when demons feed because they understand the balance.  The front line troops of the Divine look the other way, but the Initiative?  Oh, no, more fucking sanctimonious than any God.  I don’t deserve it.  Angelus was twice the evil fucker I was and does he get any of this?  Oh, no, not soddin’ likely, not Angelus, not Angel.  That bastard can fall face-first into a pile of shit and still come up smelling of roses.”

“I’m opening the doors, okay?”

“Xander…” Xander registered the sudden panic in the vampire’s voice.

“It’s just me out here, no-one else.  It’s me opening the doors.”  Xander took a deep breath and reminded himself to be ready for game face because how could Spike get this wound up and not let the demon out to vent?  “One door at a time.  Okay?”  Xander slowly opened the doors, saw Spike as far from them as he could be, heard the low snarl and tried not to look too hard at the demon visage in case that was interpreted as a challenge.  Xander switched off the phone and took a step back into the hall.  “Just me.  Come see.”  The vampire was a blur as he passed by, Xander only able to focus on him as he stopped and peered about, looking every inch the fearsome predator.  “Look around.  Go on, prove to yourself it’s only us and you’re safe.”

“Can you…”

“No.  I’m to support you not shield you, remember?  You’re crushing your phone, Spike.”  The sound of creaking metal eased up as Spike turned his cell phone off and shoved it into the back pocket of his jeans.  “When you’re finished checking the place out I’ll be waiting for you.  Just keep out of the end bedroom.”

 

Xander made his way back to bed, too aware of Spike in close pursuit, hearing deep inhalations as the demon repeatedly, unnervingly, scented him.  Refusing to acknowledge either Spike or his own discomfort, Xander threw the phone down, fell into bed and turned away from the vampire.  I am not scared of Spike, I will not be scared of Spike, I refuse to be scared…  He heard the rustle of clothes being discarded.  Perfect.  At least I get raped in the comfort of my own bed.  Wonder how long it takes to get a new bed in the run-up to Christmas because I sure as hell won’t…

“Xander.”

“Come to bed, sweetheart.”  That sounded normal, that was good.  Better than begging for mercy.

“Xander.”

The human finally plucked up the courage to take a look, and his heart tripped when he saw his Spike, shivering with anxiety, arms wrapped around himself.  Xander immediately held the covers back.

“Hey, come on, what are you standing there for?”

Spike scooted in beside him, still reluctant to touch, grunting contentedly as Xander heavy-handedly pulled him onto his chest and hugged hard.

“I am incredibly stupid,” Spike said deliberately.  “I shut the doors.  I shut the fucking doors.”

“You won’t do it again,” Xander yawned.

“Don’t leave me, don’t go to sleep.”

“’Kay,” Xander agreed automatically as he drifted off.

“Xander!”

The human jerked to attention.

“I’m awake, I’m so awake.”

“Talk to me.”

Xander yawned again and forced himself to full consciousness.

“Right…”

“Xander!”

“I was thinking, not sleeping.”

“Oh.”

“You want me to change the doors?  I could hang some with glass panels.”

Spike shook his head against Xander’s chest.

“I’ll remember in future.”

“Well, the offer’s there.  And it’s not like it would be a big deal.”  Xander paused awkwardly.  “If you ever do forget, if you do that again, I’ll open the doors for you straight away.  If you won’t be mad at me.  If you’ll remember this and won’t get…mad.”

Spike understood what Xander was trying to say; he tucked his hand under Xander’s t-shirt and stroked the warm flesh.

“Did I scare you?”

Xander knew the question wasn’t about panicked phone calls at four in the morning.

“I was…wary.  But it wasn’t like before.”

“It’ll never be like before.”

“Spike…  You know that thing I wanted to tell you then I couldn’t?”  Spike started to lean up to give Xander his full attention but the human pressed him down.  “No, stay there.  I can’t say this if you’re looking at me.”

Spike settled and went back to stroking.

“Is it bad?”

“I – I think so.”  Xander made himself continue.  “When…  After your demon…”

“After I attacked you, Xander,” Spike insisted painfully.  “I attacked you.”

Xander took a deep breath.

“After you…attacked me I got these dreams.  Not nightmares, but dreams.”

“About what happened?”

“Kind of.  In my dreams it started like it actually did, but then it became—”

The vampire waited for a full minute before prompting.

“Became?”  Xander couldn’t bring himself to answer, but Spike could take a good guess.  “Erotic?”

“I must be one sick bastard,” Xander groaned.  “What’s the matter with me?”

Spike experienced the rare sensation of being the adult in the relationship and thought carefully before speaking.

“When I…”

“Don’t say that again, I never want to hear that again,” Xander insisted.

“I won’t say it again,” Spike assured.  Re-thought his words.  “That time.  Did I hurt you?  Physically, badly?”

“No, I just got a little banged about.”

“Okay, I didn’t really hurt you.  I scared you and you got over that.”

“Because I never stopped trusting you.  Not genuinely.”

“I’ve always been grateful for that.”  Spike put an arm around Xander’s waist and snuggled even closer.  “So, if I didn’t hurt you, and you find it exciting to be wanted that much…”

“You’re saying…it’s okay?” Xander asked with astonishment.

“It’s just another fantasy, pet.  No-one’s saying that if I really…assaulted you you’d actually get off on it.  You didn’t want me that way tonight, did you?  It’s a fantasy.  Harmless unless it upsets you.  Then it’s no fun anymore.  Let it be fun, eh?”

“I never want you to hurt me.”

“But you want me to want you that much.”  Spike pressed his face into Xander’s neck and scraped the skin with his teeth.  “It’s a fantasy that’ll come true one day.”  Sharp intake of breath and the vampire smiled wickedly.  “Won’t hurt you.  But I’ll take you like I could.  You want something as strong as a demon to desire you, you’ve already got it.  You want a demon to fuck you, you’ll have it.”

Xander moaned at the thought, moving quickly to turn them and flattening Spike to the mattress, kissing him ardently.

“It’s also a way…” Spike struggled to say between kisses, “of regaining control of the situation.”  Xander stopped and looked at him questioningly.  “In your mind, you can turn what was a bad experience into something you can control, and so what if you exploit it for your own kicks if it lets you deal?”

“You believe that?”

“Let’s just say I’ve managed to rewrite certain chapters of my memoirs to suit myself.  To suit William.”  Xander’s lightweight hold became a protective grip of iron and Spike knew he needed to divert the human’s thoughts before they went too far in directions he wanted to avoid.  “But you know what happened between us was just that naughty old demon trying to get into your knickers and have a good time.  And if he hadn’t been so heavy-handed you might have gone along with it.  May’ve had problems sitting for a few days but you’d’ve known you’d been royally fucked.”

“I’m not just some kind of pervert, then?”

“Come on, Xander, if you’re not allowed to cut loose in your fantasies, in your head, where can you?”

“Like turning me and what I’d do without question if I were your childe?”

“Exactly.  Then, sometimes, fantasies come true and surprise you.  Like what you did when I came home.”

“Shit, shit, shit,” Xander muttered, rolling onto his back and turning his face away in shame.

“See your reaction?  That’s why I thought it was a fantasy, that you’d never have the stomach to take me like that.”

“I hurt you.”

“I loved it.”

“You cried.”

“Because I was moved,” Spike spelt out.  “You gave me something I wanted – needed – at a cost to your own peace of mind, and I was moved.  Anyway, I enjoy having a bawl, don’t you?”

“Hardly.  I still think my father’s going to appear out of the woodwork and whack me for it.”

“Piece of shit,” Spike muttered to himself, mentally zipping through a selection of appropriate tortures he was looking forward to bestowing on the elder Harris one day.

“I didn’t really cry until you and now I can’t stop.  It’s like…like a part of me, inside of me, was dead until you.  You made me feel alive, really alive, but that also let me hurt more than I ever had.  You stripped my defences away.”

“But you kept loving me.”

“I was always going to love you.”  Xander pushed himself onto his side and studied his partner until Spike grew visibly suspicious.  “I need to know you’re at peace today.  Let me use the hex.”

A succession of emotions passed over the vampire’s face before he agreed with a tone of resignation, quickly adding:

“Do I get fucked first?”

“Well, I guess you could be,” Xander smiled.

“Think you can force yourself?  For me?”

“I should at least try.  For you.  Not that I’d be getting anything out of it.”

“Course you wouldn’t.”

“Particularly another hickey,” Xander said pointedly.

Spike ran a fingertip over the dark stain on Xander’s neck, feeling the human shudder as the touch sent a wake-up call to his groin.

“Beth was right.  About me broadcasting my claim.”

“I know.  And you have to forget this the moment you hear it because I will deny I ever said it, but it’s worth the wisecracks and the looks.  I was in the rest room at work and I looked in the mirror and I saw this…”  Xander stroked his neck.  “…and I was hard in a second.  I belong to you, Spike.  I consider myself to be your Consort and I belong to you.  I’m happy to be reminded of that.”

“So…” Spike’s voice was low and sensual.  “You were fixating on the mark, you were hard, happy to be reminded you belonged to me.”  Spike drew a single finger along Xander’s cotton-clad erection.  “Then what happened?”

“Guess.”

“How public is this rest room?”

“Partners only.”

Spike’s brow creased as he considered the options, then his face broke into a wide smile.

“You did some thinking.”

“I like to think.”

“Anyone else would have settled down for a nice wank, but not my boy.  He thinks.”

“About you.”

“Then you came home all…thinked up…”

“Thinked up,” Xander repeated the term with a chuckle.

“…and ready to lay claim to the boyfriend, and there was the lovely Beth.  I’m surprised you didn’t throw her out on her ear.”  Xander simply shrugged.  “Still thinked up?”

“Pretty much.”

“Want to fuck me now, Xander?”

“Want to be fucked, Spike?”

Their lips touched and it was a given.

Before he left home Xander took a look at the portrait to get an idea of how much wood and glass to buy for the frame.  Frames.  On the table, beside the drawing of Beth, was a matching portrait of Patrick, long hair tied at the nape of his neck, beard, clan dress.  The swell of pride Xander felt in Spike’s abilities was tempered by the sadness of knowing the vampire was presently trapped in a dreamless hex to save him from hours of intimidation and anguish.

“Come on, Harris, get it together.  Out the front door and it gets simple.  Work, home, Spike.”

Xander took the measurements he needed and scribbled them down on Spike’s notepad, tearing off the page and unable to resist flicking through and looking for new drawings.  At the back of the book was a disturbingly detailed sketch taken from Spike’s memory: his own deliberately broken forearm, bone jutting through the skin, wrist and hand hanging uselessly at a right angle to his arm, blood streaking down the torn flesh and dripping from the thumb.  Swallowing hard, Xander ripped the page from the book and took it to the kitchen, balling it and putting it through the waste disposal.

He fixed his mind determinedly on the perfect body he had been making love to an hour before, the whole, healthy arms that he had gently pinned over Spike’s head as he’d leisurely driven into him.  Okay, that distraction worked a little too well due to the sup of blood Spike had given him to pep him up for the day, but the physical reaction brought a genuine smile to his lips.  Yes, a much better reminder of his lover.  The pain and sorrow could go get fucked.

 

 

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