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Part 32

 

 

 

A month on.  Two days away from the dinner party that had seemed such a good idea weeks ago.  Now Spike was spending equal time being spooked at the thought of having all those humans in his home at once, and enthusing about the occasion, wanting to be a part of Xander’s family, wanting to be acknowledged and accepted as his human’s partner.  More new feelings.  More confusion as Spike tried to work his way through the whys and what the hells.

Determined to make contact with at least one more of these people before the night, Spike picked up the phone, took a deep breath, and selected the appropriate memory number.  Xander glanced over at him, wondering who he was calling that made him look so worried, hoping it wasn’t Angel, that Angel wasn’t going to take him away right now when they were starting to feel really settled.  That bastard, he would, if he so much as hears we’re this happy, he’ll…

“Hi, is that Beth?    This is Spike, y’know, Xan… – Alex’s boyfriend.    Yes, hello.  About this dinner on Saturday?    Yes, so are we.  Anything you or Patrick don’t eat?    Okay.    No, it wouldn’t occur to him, he has the intestinal constitution of your average goat.    Do you know about the others, or should I give them a ring?    That’s the one I haven’t met.  Is he…y’know…all right?    Did he?  Doesn’t miss much does he, your old man?    Yeah, well…  I’ve been through some shit and I’m still a bit jumpy.    Getting there.  Bit of a long road though.    Oh, he’s a treat, all I ever wanted.    Has he?  Say hello for me.    Till this time of night?    Work, my arse, have him followed.    That’s what they all say.  Right, back to…    Seafood?  Wouldn’t do seafood anyway, always avoid eating anything that fornicates in water.  ‘Part from Xander and the pool, of course.”  Laughter.  “I won’t tell him you said that.  Or maybe I will.    Okay.  See you then.    That’d be great.  Thanks.    Yeah, bye.”

Satisfied and reassured, Spike switched off the phone, looking over to where Xander was staring, mouth open, unable to believe what he’d just heard Spike saying to Beth.

“What?”

“Invasion of privacy much.”

Spike snickered.

“She seems all right.  But it’s almost like…”  Spike couldn’t put the strange feeling into words and shook his head.

“Can you not talk to my friends about us fucking in the pool!”

“Right, like they think we use it for swimming.”

“I do use it for swimming.”

“Xander…  Do you ever feel there’s something…different about those two?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“You’re the one who changed the subject.”

“You were talking about us…”

“Can you stop overreacting long enough to answer me?”

“Right.  Not overreacting,” Xander snapped.  “Are they different?  What kind of different?”

“I d’know.  Just…different.”

“Just different,” Xander repeated flatly.

“That’s a no then.”

“You mean other than Beth being the only person on the planet who shares the inside information on our sex life.  No, wait, she’s had time to repeat it to Patrick by now.  That kind of different, do you mean?”

“There’s a…”  Spike tried to finds the words but the feeling was like trying to grasp water with bare hands.  “…connection?” he shrugged.  Xander drew breath to continue his protests, but Spike quickly added: “Xander.  Think.  Please?”

A please from the vampire could usually sway Xander; he gave Spike a long, eloquent look, calmed himself down and thought about the question.

“There is a connection.  They’re family to me  Us.  Maybe that’s what you’re feeling.  You’re not used to that kind of connection.”

“I have family.”

“Can we say poles apart?  I’m talking about the kind of family who love you without having to exsanguinate you first.  You want to invite Angel and Dru around for dinner, go ahead.  Think my blood and I might be out of the state that week.”  Spike fell silent, and the silence was eloquent.  Xander heaved himself out of the deep armchair and crossed to the sofa, sitting close to his partner and taking his hand.  “Sorry.”

Spike shook his head.

“Don’t be.”

“My parents were pretty awful, y’know.”

“I remember.”

“You can’t.”

“I do.”

“But I…  How much did you know?”

“Put it this way: I noticed a lot more than your so-called friends.”

“Even when you hated me?”

“Especially when I hated you.”

“What?” Xander grinned.  “You wished you’d got there first?”

“Sometimes,” Spike admitted ruefully.  “Sometimes you deserved a thick ear.”  Xander chuckled.  “But there were other times…  I found myself wondering what the hell you’d done to deserve it.  I’d see you trying to hide a limp, or a sore back, know you’d been kicked or beaten, and I’d wonder.  Beneath the defences, beneath the noise and the bravado, you were such a sensitive creature, and even that smart mouth of yours shouldn’t have earned that kind of treatment from the people who were supposed to love you best.”  It was Xander’s turn to go very quiet, and Spike slipped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in tight.  “I almost asked you about it once.  We were patrolling, there were these shouts and we took a look, and it was this bloke playing with his kid.  Just fooling around, but I could see on your face you thought he was going to hurt the boy.  When it came to nothing, when he picked that kid up and hugged him to within an inch of his life I saw your confusion.  I wanted to hold you just as tight as that kid was being held.  Wanted to tell you it wasn’t your fault, that some people are just made the way your folks are, that they can’t love and be kind.  I couldn’t, of course.”

“I wish you had.”

“You’d have punched me out back then, pet.”

“That far back?” Xander frowned.  “You cared?  That far back?”

“Well, Angel did give you to me.  Couldn’t help but take an interest.”  Xander smiled at that.  “And I’ve always been a bit soft.  I got used to covering it up, but…  I suppose it’s William’s influence.  I hated seeing Angelus hurt Dru, and sire, childe, parents, kids, it’s all the same but different.  Here, if this chip comes out, you going to complain if I go and deal with your folks?”

“You want to kill my parents?”

“Don’t you?”

Xander put a lot of thought into the question, and was a little surprised by his conclusions.

“They’re nothing to me.  They’re not important enough to hate or to kill.  I have you, I have Pat and the rest of this family, Willow and that family.  Killing my parents would give them a degree of importance they don’t deserve.”

“Actually, the answer I was looking for was, ‘Yes, kill the bastards, enjoy’.”

“And would you enjoy it?”

“Too right.  Gimme the chance and I’ll wipe out everybody who ever hurt my honey.”

Xander thought again.

“Okay.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  As long as you’re doing it for you, not me.  And you don’t feed from them, just kill them.”

Spike laid a soft kiss on Xander’s brow, happy with the answer, sad at witnessing a glimpse of the darkness Xander harboured.

“What happened to you?  What happened to the white-hat?”

“Priorities.  Loneliness.  Love.”  Sitting back, Xander studied the vampire’s concerned face.  “I would kill for you.  I would die for you.”  There was a grim determination in Xander’s voice, the absolute truth of his statement reinforced by the expression in his eyes; Spike experienced an emotional jumble of satisfaction, regret and humility.  “It doesn’t make for a white-hat, does it?”

“No,” Spike conceded softly.

Xander smiled.

“Can we change the subject?”

“Are you ever going to tell me what it was like, really like, between you moving out of Sunnydale and Patrick finding you?”

“It was…bad.  That’s all you need to know.”

“What is it you used to say?  If something’s wrong you’ve got to tell me, so I can put it right for you.”

“It isn’t anything that can be put right.  I fucked up, I paid for it, I learnt a lot.  Now can we change the subject?”

“No.”

“Okay.  We’ll talk about my year of hell, and we’ll talk about the way you felt when those pricks in Sunnydale beat me up.”

“I don’t—”  Spike stopped and glared at Xander.

“Doesn’t discussing the menu for Saturday sound a much better option now?”

 

Spike retrieved his notebook and pen from where they had been shoved between the sofa cushions, glared again, unhooked his glasses from the neck of his t-shirt and put them on.  Xander took the notebook, flicking over the pages and enjoying the sketches: the house, the garden, Willow, Dawn, vampiric Angelus…  Umm…okay.  …and pages and pages of himself.  Spike tried to take the book only to have it dangled beyond his reach.  Another glare.  He returned his glasses to their off-duty locale.

“No seafood.  You didn’t say Rafe was allergic.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Fine.  Meet the family, feed the family, kill the family.”

“I doubt he’s that allergic or I would have known.  Or did I just eavesdrop on some Big Bad fantasy?”

“See this expression?  This is contempt.  This is what I’m soddin’-well treating you with.”

“You still happy with this dinner?  I can call it off.”

“I’m happy.  Just rather not send the guests to hospital because, although they’re not me, they seem to matter to you.”

“You’re pretty domesticated, aren’t you?”

“That’s a cruel thing to say to a vampire.”

“It’s not meant to be cruel.  Do you know how much I appreciate it?  I mean, this place is spotless, you can cook really well, you even think to check what people can’t eat…”

“Common sense.”

“Caring is just in your nature, isn’t it?  D’you think Dru knew it and that’s why she picked you?”

“No, that was more the stars pointing me out and the moon shouting, ‘Give ‘im one for me’.”

Xander chuckled.

“You liked caring for Dru, didn’t you?”

Spike shifted uncomfortably.

“It was a duty.”

“It was more than a duty,” Xander challenged.

“You love someone, you take care of them,” Spike agreed in a low voice.  “Whether it’s keeping them from dancing in the sun or learning to make pizza.”

“Do you resent all this?”  Spike raised a questioning eyebrow.  “It’s not what your life, unlife, whatever, is supposed to be, is it?  Master vampire, you should have power and schemes and minions and…”

“Xander…”

“You want me to shut up?  I shouldn’t be saying this stuff, should I?  I’m making it worse.”

“Xander…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Xander…”  Spike stopped speaking for a third time, surprised to find himself with the floor.  “Xander, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that you make the best of things.  Life, unlife, whatever, fucks you over time and again and you have to get on with it.  When this chip was put in me I thought nothing could get worse, then I fell for you and you left me, then Riley’s bastards took me and…  I have to tell you, Xan, that I reached the point of wanting to meet a final death more times than I can count, but I held on and…  I’m warning you.  One of those tears falls, mate, and I’ll take you outside and bury you alive.”

“Hayfever.”

“Dozy sod.  Look, what I’m saying is that it gets worse than vacuuming to the edges and reading cookery books.  I’m…content.  If I could get this chip out and find some self-respect I’d be bloody delirious, but meantime I’m content.  Lucky even.  If I take everything but you out of the picture I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”

Xander blinked and an empathetic tear fell.  Spike smiled kindly, shook his head, brushed the telltale streak from his human’s cheek.

“Want me to fetch a shovel?”

“Want to figure out a menu.  Your domesticated vampire doesn’t do things by halves and he’s looking to impress.”

“You really care what they think?”

“I want them to think that Alex has landed on his feet with this one.  I want them to fall in love with me so that when you finally come to your senses and try to give me the old heave-ho they’ll talk you round.”

“I love you,” Xander assured him huskily.

“I know.”

“No heave-ho.”

“We’ll see, eh?”

“I mean it.”

“I’m not the person you fell for, Xander.”

“That’s right.  You’re more.  You’re him and more.  And you’re mine.”

“Y’know…  Every time I think I’m getting too soft for words I listen to you.  Then I feel all butch and manly again.”

“Well, doesn’t that make all my painfully heartfelt declarations worthwhile.”

“What you really seem to be declaring, is that you think I’ll get bored with this life and take off.  Shrug aside the fondue set and go looking for some mindless violence.  Actually, a lot of my violence showed considerable thought, I’ll have you know.”

“We have a fondue set?”

“You’re forgetting that I’m a self-absorbed opportunist.  Look at what I’ve got here.  Just the basics.  I’ve got a secure, comfortable home where I feel safe enough not to keep looking over my shoulder.  I’ve got a fabulous car that some benevolent charmer had sun-proofed.  I’ve got all the human blood I want and, after a decade of animal, I promise you ecstasy can be found in a plastic bag.  There’s a card in my pocket that gives me access to a bottomless pit of dosh.  I’ve got the freedom to come and go as I want, and if I was up to the mindless violence I could go and find some because even this place has its share of demonic creepy-crawlies.  And that’s the basics.  Add the luxury item and I’ve got twenty-four/seven access to the best company, the best support, the best shag in a long life.”  Spike finally paused and looked hard at Xander.  “Do I sound like someone who’s going to do a runner?”

“You’ll tell me if ever…”

“Christ, Xander, don’t you listen to a word I say?”

“Yes.”

“What then?  We looking at the impenetrable properties of dense objects?”

“What?”

“Nothing sinks into that thick head of yours.”

“Tell me.”

Spike took a deep breath and sighed it out, smiling at Xander’s smile, knowing his human liked to hear him breathe and wishing he could remember to do it all the time to keep Xander happy.

“I love you.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay.”

“How okay?  A minor okay that will call for more reassurance before we settle on shrimp to kill off the big bloke?  A major okay that will last until I can put you to bed and suck the worry out of you?”

“I’m…okay.”

“Who d’you think you’re kidding?  You’ll never be okay.  Scarred by your own stupidity.”

“Gee, thanks.”

They exchanged another smile.

“C’mon, give it here.”

Xander returned the notebook and watched as Spike drew black eyes, scars, warts and exaggerated fangs on a picture of his human.  Xander grinned at the result.

“I’m one good-looking guy.”

“That you are, love.”  Easing a little closer, Xander kissed up the side of Spike’s neck and sucked an earlobe into his mouth.  “Something you want?” Spike casually enquired.  Xander relinquished the earlobe and nuzzled.

“Mmm.  I want you to draw something for me.”

“Not a problem.”  Glasses on and Spike turned over to a fresh page.  “What would you like?”

“Draw us.”

“Us?”

“How we’ll look when you fuck me.  Draw us.”

“Can’t.  I don’t know how I look.”

“I can take some pictures.  You said the digital camera would work.”

“I’m not ready for that.”

“Is this an excuse?”

“No, this is me being as insecure and stupid as you.”

“Why should you be insecure about how you look?

“I notice you didn’t argue the stupid.”

“You’re so beautiful,” Xander murmured into the vampire’s ear.  “When you’re naked.  When you’re hard for me.  When I’m inside you.  When you come.  So goddamn fucking beautiful.”

“I don’t want to see…”  Spike’s voice caught in his throat.

“You don’t want to see?” Xander asked gently.  Spike slowly, deliberately, took off his glasses, folding them and laying them on the arm of the sofa.  Buying a few seconds.  “Spike?”

“What they did to me.”

“You mean…?”

“I can feel the difference in me.  I don’t want to see it.”

Shoving the notebook and pen from Spike’s hands, Xander pulled him onto his lap and hugged him tightly.

“There isn’t anything to see.  You’re not – not branded.”

“It’s not what I’ll see, it’s what I won’t see.  I don’t want to see me looking…empty.”

“Spike…”  Xander fiercely squeezed his lover.

“You can’t protect me from this.  There’s this big empty hole inside of me that never goes away.  Shrinks, grows, shrinks, never goes away completely.  You keep at me with your sweet words and it shrivels, but you go off to work and I’m alone and it expands so fast I think it’ll swallow me up.”

Xander began to rock them, couldn’t stop himself.

“Oh, God, Spike.  I wish I could make it better, make you better.”

There were no words.  Spike let himself be rocked and comforted, accepting Xander’s grief and unfounded guilt over what had happened and gradually becoming the comforter.

Three in the morning and Spike slid away from Xander’s side.  As he pulled on his clothes he watched the steady rise and fall of the chest he had just left, feeling himself drawn back to its warmth and the intense consolation offered by the strong beat of his human’s heart.  Later, he promised himself.  There was something he needed to do first.

The hand reaching for the blood stopped in mid-grasp.  He could still taste Xander and he didn’t want to lose that.  It was so rare that Xander allowed himself to be purely the recipient in one of their sexual bouts, but Spike had been adamant, using his strength to pin his human down and heap pleasure upon him.  A smile curved the vampire’s mouth at the memory of his lover, trembling and begging to touch, the willing victim of Spike’s selfish need to be selfless.  He remembered Xander’s words…  ‘You’re so beautiful.  When you’re naked.  When you’re hard for me.  When I’m inside you.  When you come.  So goddamn fucking beautiful.’  …and sincerely reflected them back at Xander.  Had to disregard the ‘when I’m inside you’.  When I’m inside you.  He was as desperate to fuck Xander as his demon was to claim him.  The refrigerator door swung shut with a subdued whump.

Distractedly he went to the living room, pulling the pile of letters he’d retrieved from his room at Willow’s house from the dresser and taking them to the sofa, placing them on the cushion beside him and trying to re-focus, but his mind (and his demon) was still fixating on having Xander.  Xander, who had guessed there was more to this than William and the revolving door, but who mustn’t know that Spike couldn’t take him until he considered himself worthy.  Until he felt deserving, strong and clean.  Clean, he grimaced.  He would not contaminate Xander with what he imagined he’d brought with him from…  No.  They can taint me but they will not defile my Xander.  Another wave of frustration and sadness.  Every private sexual fantasy he had involved sinking into that hot, tight, virginal body, and every time he indulged himself with the thoughts the reality seemed further away.

Spike sighed and reached for the first letter, pulling it from the already opened envelope and steeling himself for a long, painful flashback.

Curiosity was a terrible thing, Spike conceded as he attempted to discover a little about Xander’s bad year, reading letter after letter and weeping at the barely hidden despair behind the words.  If he’d read these at the time he would have gone to Xander without doubt, gone to his boy and done whatever it took to save him from the pain and the darkness.  Even the simplicity of… ‘It’s strange coming home (home???) to a silent apartment.  Even when you were quiet you were never quiet, or maybe it never felt quiet because I knew you were there.’ …was enough to make his heart ache ferociously.

The final letter, written in pure, unpunctuated Xander-babble, started with the fact that Willow had asked him to stop writing and went on to express his regrets and, due to his sheer upset, revealed more of his love and his misery than any of the other more carefully thought out – written and re-written, Spike guessed – letters.  Self-loathing hit him.  If he hadn’t been such a coward he’d have been with Xander years ago.  The courage to open one of these letters would have been all the motivation needed and they would have been together.

“Hey.”  The soft tone of understanding from the person he’d betrayed with his cowardice.  Xander, ready for work, crouched alongside him.

“Forgive me,” he begged in a coarse whisper.

“What am I forgiving you for this time?” Xander asked with an indulgent smile.  Spike held up a letter.  “Right.  I have to forgive you for me being a spineless bastard and walking out.”

“I should have come to you.”

“No.  You shouldn’t have.  And I forgive you unreservedly for any imagined wrongdoing on your part.”  Xander stood and pulled Spike to his feet, hugging him silently for a long moment before pulling back to meet his eyes.  “I’m throwing these out now.”

“You can’t.”

“I have to.  They have no place here.  I want to move forward, Spike, I don’t want to be trapped in the past.  I certainly don’t want you upset over something I did five years ago.  If you’ve forgiven me, and I think you have…”

“I have.”

“…then you’ll let me throw the letters away.”  Xander waited for Spike’s nod, then gave him a light kiss.  “Now, go and get some sleep.”  Nod.  Xander pressed his mouth to Spike’s ear.  “I’ll come back at lunchtime, okay?  To make sure you’re all right.”  Nod.  “Don’t get up for me, will you?  Because I’m going to come home and fuck you, make you feel good and protected and wanted.”  Spike took a sharp breath and tightened his hold.  “Thought you’d like that.”

A little after twelve-thirty and Spike was roused by the sound of recognisable footsteps on the stairs.  Remembering Xander’s promise, he listened as he stretched, growing expectantly harder with every step, contentedly registering the whispered mantra his lover had made of his name.

“Spiiiiike,” Xander finished with a smile as he entered the room.  He immediately began to shed his clothes, tugging them roughly away from his body in his impatience.  “Hey, honey, my beautiful honey, I am so fucking home.”

As Xander moved toward the bed Spike’s hand rose, halting him.  Spike took a few minutes to gaze at his human before making a circling gesture with one finger.  Xander slowly turned under Spike’s appreciative scrutiny, meeting his lover’s eyes when the circuit was complete.

“You’ve been doing some thinking,” Spike smirked, eyes dropping to the admirable erection.

“Can I get in?”

“How often do I just get to look at you?”

“Want you, Spike.  Don’t think I can wait too long.”  Xander’s hand wrapped loosely around his cock, gliding up, down, unrushed despite the urgency in his words.  Refusing to miss out, Spike held open the covers and Xander dived in.  “Damn cock-tease.”

“You’re the one giving the show, mate.”

“Not in my head, I’m not.  Not all morning.”

“Tell me wha—”  The words were stolen by Xander’s demanding mouth, and the kiss was hard and hot.  Spike felt the need to persist and dragged his mouth away.  “What were you thinking about?”

Xander’s eyes turned black.  Spike took a breath.  This should be good.

“What you said yesterday.  About Angel giving me to you.  You taking an interest.”

“You had a Big Bad morning,” Spike grinned.

“Oh, yeah,” Xander sighed, draping himself over Spike more comfortably.  There would be talking, there would be fucking, he didn’t mind in which order.

“Fucker or fuckee?”

Xander nuzzled at his ear.

“Always wanted to fuck Big Bad,” Xander admitted huskily.  “Fuck Big Bad’s attitude.”

“I knew it,” Spike taunted.  “All that, ‘I hate you, Spike, gonna stake you, Spike’.  Always knew exactly what it was you wanted to stake me with.”

“I did hate you,” Xander assured him.  “Sincerely.  Almost as much as I hated Angel.”

“I’m flattered.  What’s the but?”

“The but?”

“‘Almost as much as I hated Angel,’ but…?”

“I was always fascinated by you.”

“Ah.  Not even pure – or should that be impure – lust?”

“Guess not.”

“You always protested too much.”

“I hated you for making me feel things I shouldn’t feel.  Kinda took it out on you later.”

“And I never knew about those lovely, wicked things you were thinking.  What a waste.”

“You’re kidding, right?  As if you would have wanted to know.  You saw me as a geeky doofus, least effective and most contemptible of the Scoobies.”

“Well…yeah.  Fancied you from the moment Angel made the offer though.  You’ve always been so bloody gorgeous.  Spent years thinking I should’ve called his bluff and taken you.  Right there in front of him.”

“Er…thanks?” Xander said doubtfully.

“Big Bad at his biggest and baddest, Xan,” Spike purred seductively into his ear.  “Would’ve given you the best fuck of your life, broken in your pretty virgin arse and made you worship me.  Then I’d’ve turned you.  Made you my childe, kept you.  Adored you and fucked you for eternity.”  No reply and Spike turned his head to study Xander, enraptured by the human’s breathless desire.  And that was an impressively hard cock digging into his hip.

“Virgin ass still waiting on you.  Want to?”

“Want to, yes.  Going to, no.  Sorry, love.”

“Don’t be sorry.  Didn’t you hear me say I always wanted to fuck Big Bad?”

Their eyes met and they came to a silent agreement.

 

“Sod off, whelp.  Think I roll over for just anyone?” Spike sneered, moving to brush Xander aside.  Xander was on him, pinning him down, taking his mouth, ready to take his body.  The vampire pushed him away, vertically, bearing the weight of his torso without strain.  “You think I’m going to let the slayer’s reject stick his two- incher in me?”

“Oh, yeah,” Xander gasped, taking advantage of the gap between their bodies and reaching down to pinch both of Spike’s nipples.  He felt the tremor in Spike’s arms and pinched again, twisted, enjoying the hiss he received in response.

“You’re appealing enough as mediocre trash goes, and it’s not as if you need a double-figure IQ to bleed, but I only usually bother with spectacular losers like you if I’m getting a decent meal out of it.  What are you offering?”

“You get my strength, my desire, my need for you.  Who else needs you, Spike?  Who else isn’t walking away?”

“You need me?  And that’s supposed to mean something?  Your type – you know: the flushable dregs of society – are ten-a-penny.  Walk into a bar, snap my fingers and I’m laid.”

“You get my heat.  And you can’t get enough heat, can you, Spike?”  Xander pushed his fingers into Spike’s mouth, hot in cold.  Spike bit down, hard enough to graze; his tongue flickered over the damage and he savoured the tiny amount of blood.  “Like that?  My heat, my blood.”  Xander jammed his fingers onto Spike’s teeth, feeling the skin tear and strong suction as the vampire took his blood.  Spike closed his eyes and hummed with satisfaction.  “Not going to let you make a meal of me, but…  Oh, gee, almost forgot.  You can’t make a meal of me.  It’s not like you’re a real vampire any more, not like you’re anything to be scared of.”  The hum transmuted into a low growl.  “But I’m willing to be generous to a defective has-been.  You get a little blood, a whole lot of cock.  When was the last time you felt that kind of heat opening you up and using you?  Face it: when was the last time anyone actually wanted you at all?”  Xander yanked his fingers back; Spike’s eyes shot open, gold threatening to obliterate the blue.

Xander swallowed hard, confidence wavering; Spike blinked several times and the irises were pure blue once more.  Carefully lowering Xander onto his chest, Spike reached up to meet his mouth, their lips touching lightly.

“Xander,” Spike whispered.  “Don’t be afraid of me.  Just playing.  We’re just playing.”  Xander nodded, afraid to trust his voice.  “Please.  Play.”

Play.  Yes.  Xander could play.  No need to be afraid.  Right.  Over all that.  Right.  Play.  He nuzzled against Spike’s neck, snuggling into the position he wanted, feeling the sexual tension seep out of the vampire as he mistakenly accepted the game was over.  Then Xander bit, just above the Adam’s apple, forcing Spike’s head back, knowing the location would make Spike feel especially vulnerable.  A groan of pleasure was forcibly subdued; cold, sharp fingers dug into warm flesh and Spike ground his erection against Xander’s.

“I know what evil undead guys want,” Xander explained in a low voice after releasing his hold on the vampire’s throat, “and I’m strong enough to give it to you.  Want your throat torn open for kicks?  I’m the guy.  Ditto, ass.  I’m the guy.”

“Every living person in existence slapped you down then, you pathetic tosser?  You think filling corpses with your deficient spunk is the answer?”

“You’re sick, you know that?”

“But you want to fuck me.”

“God, yes, I want to fuck you.”

“Why?”  Their movements stilled; eyes met.  “Why?” Spike repeated hoarsely, no longer playing.

“You.  Simple as that.  I get Big Bad, I get…  Spike.  I want Spike, I want to be inside Spike.”

“Why?”

“Because…  I just…  There’s no-one…  There’s no-one else I want the way I want him.”

“No?”

“There couldn’t be.  He’s…  Mine.  He’s so mine.  Would you believe me if I told you I was in love with him?”

Spike fumbled under the pillow and presented Xander with the lubricant.  Hands shaking with the intensity of feelings that he’d struggled to put into inadequate words, Xander squeezed gel onto his fingers and started to prepare Spike.

“Xander, have me,” Spike growled, “just fucking-well have me.  I’ll settle for rough if you’ll just get inside me.”

 

Playing, or plain and simple desperation?  Xander couldn’t tell, didn’t care, and he spread the remaining gel over himself before manhandling one of Spike’s legs over a shoulder, the other around his waist, and pressing forward into the cool body with the accuracy of a Spike-seeking missile.

“Oh, yeah, that’s it,” Spike murmured.  “That’s it.  Fill me up, whelp.  Let’s see what you’re made of.”

Xander almost withdrew and thrust back in, repeating the action more aggressively at the unexpected sound of the vampire’s laughter.  Big Bad, Big Bad, Big Bad, rattled through Xander’s head, exciting and appalling him.  He slammed into the tightness, over and over, listening with glee as laughter turned to gasps.

“Like?” he demanded through gritted teeth, easing up because he wanted the reply.

“You still there?  Didn’t notice.  I was just thinking of the last time I had a decent fuck and…”

Xander pulled out, ignoring the involuntary protestation of loss Spike made, and he turned the vampire, pushing him onto hands and knees before entering him again.  I’ll give him ‘Still there’…  They groaned together and, regardless of the roles they were playing, both let slip words of affection as Xander gripped Spike’s hips and pulled him back as he thrust forward.  More groans.  Blindly concentrating on sensation, Xander felt the sudden tension in Spike’s body, heard a rapid string of no’s that grew in volume; the vampire tore away from him.

“Spike?”  Xander reached for his lover as Spike turned and scrambled into Xander’s arms.  “What happened?  What’s wrong?”

“Couldn’t see you, couldn’t see you…” Spike whispered over and over.

Xander glanced over at the cheval mirror they’d carefully situated to allow Spike to see Xander on the extremely rare occasions they used this position; since the last time it had been moved and the angle screwed up: all it showed was a reflection of the floor, leaving it useless as a means of reassurance.

“It’s okay.  Shh, it’s okay.  It was always me, always Xander.”

Peeling himself away from the anxious vampire, Xander quickly repositioned the mirror, returning to the bed and tackling Spike onto his back, putting a weak smile on the anxious face.

“Look at me, Spike.  Look at me.”

“Xander,” Spike confirmed vaguely, still a little spacey from the shock.

“Xander.  Always Xander.”  Xander kissed his lover, all the time experiencing the sickly hollowness inside that reminded him he was unable to make Spike better, make things right, and now the one act that usually helped had made it all worse.  “You want to stop?”

“No,” Spike insisted, pulling Xander tighter.

“I could just…”

“Fuck me.  Own me.  Fuck me.”

Xander rolled them, putting Spike on top, in control.

“Better?”  Shake.  Spike rolled them back.  “Okay.  Look at me.  Keep looking at me.”

“Xander.”  Definitely.  Back in the groove.  Eyes full of lust, shallow breath.  “Xander.”

“Always me, sweetheart.  Keep looking at Xander.”

Nod, and Spike’s hand reached between them, teasing Xander to full hardness before guiding him back inside.  One appreciative moan from two throats, muffled when Spike pulled Xander down for a desperate, possessive kiss which led to some desperate, possessive fucking.

 

“You okay?” Xander asked a short while later as they lay in a post-coital huddle.  Spike simply nodded.  “Rather not talk about it?”  Shake.  Pause.  “We could be pretty horrible to each other, couldn’t we?” Xander grinned.

“It was fun.”

“This is better.  You think we had to hate each other that much to love each other this much?  Thin line and all that?”

“Stop thinking, Xander.  You’re always thinking.  Why can’t you be as stupid as you look?”

“Hey!”  Spike snickered and pulled Xander over him, reaching up for a kiss and being ardently accommodated.  But it couldn’t last.  “I have to get back to work.”

“Before you go…”  Spike turned his head, presenting Xander with his mark.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Xander murmured as his mouth made its way down the graceful curve of the neck and onto the scar.  Spike gave the slightest whimper as Xander renewed his claim, allowing himself to be caressed and petted back to sleep after it was done.  Cleaned up, dressed, ready to go, knowing he should have already gone, Xander sat for a long time watching, silently guarding his vampire against bad dreams.  Only when the phone clipped to his belt shuddered for his attention and delivered Patrick’s text message, ‘We need you here,’ did he make a reluctant move.

 

 

Repossession 33       Repossession Index       Repossession Notes

 

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