18: Nooks and Crannies

 

 

Spike stood outside the living room, watching Xander.  Waking alone had startled him, firing his protective instincts, particularly after the previous night’s escapade, but Xander was simply downstairs talking to the ghosts, clearly enough that, after a moment’s eavesdropping, Spike was reassured that it was business as usual.  He’d crept down to the hallway, hoping to catch a little of the show, trying not to disturb either the medium or the spirits, and now he remained in motionless silence as Xander carried on an intriguing one-sided conversation with the house’s late children.

It wasn’t until Xander grunted in discomfort and shifted in his chair that Spike could see a cloth held to the upper left side of his face.

“Xander?”  Xander started, Spike approached, and the spirits fled.  “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.  I rolled away from you in the night and my arm was over the edge of the bed.  The children woke me up, pulling at my fingers,” Xander smiled.

“Your face,” Spike clarified.

“Oh.  Yeah, well…”

Spike sat on the arm of the chair and eased the washcloth away, feeling the chunky roll of ice cubes within it.

“Head or eye?”

“Both.  Kinda.  Since the uber-nasty I’ve been having these headaches, and…”

“Why didn’t you say?”

“’Cause a couple of Advil usually gets rid of them, no big deal.  They’re not like the headache when the entity was around, so…”

“You still should have told me.”

“Yes, Mom.”

“Is it worse today?  I haven’t seen you need an icepack before now.”

“Not since you hit me, no,” Xander amiably taunted.

“Straight answer?”

Any humour on Xander’s face slipped away.

“My eye – my non-eye – feels…wrong.  I’m a little concerned that the socket may be inflamed or infected, I d’know.”

Spike ran his fingers into Xander’s hair, pressing them to his scalp.

“It doesn’t feel as if your temperature’s up.”

“I know, it’s just…”  Xander shrugged and relaxed a little, a combination of sharing his worries and Spike’s soothing strokes through his hair.

“Do you need a doctor?”

“No, not until…  I just have to…check it out, clean it up.  It’s something I hate doing: I usually have a few drinks first, but…”

“Want me to…”

“Oh, God, no, Spike, I really don’t.  Bad enough that I have to.”

“It wouldn’t bother me.”

“It would bother me.”

Spike examined the eyelids covering the empty socket.

“No pinking up, no swelling.  Had problems before?”

“No.  And it doesn’t feel bad, just…odd.  I can’t explain it.”

“Maybe what those blokes tried to knock you out with has aggravated your sinuses, or…  What?” Spike asked as Xander’s grin returned.

“You.  Big bad vampire.  Talking about aggravated sinuses.”

Spike twisted and, with a wriggle, let himself slide off the chair arm and into Xander’s lap.

“Big bad vampire’s been around long enough to discover all the nooks and crannies, hasn’t he?”

Xander put the cloth aside and wiped his damp hand on Spike’s jeans before tentatively moving it onto the bare skin of Spike’s back.

“Too cold?”  Spike half shook his head, half nuzzled Xander’s temple.  “How cold would it have to be to be too cold?”

“Colder than you could bear.  I don’t have the same sensitivities as you.”

“But you are…”  Xander’s free hand ran along Spike’s thigh and cupped his groin.  “…very sensitive.  Where it matters.”

“Still horny from last night?”

“You betcha.”

“We’ll see if you still want me in five minutes time.”

“Why in five min—”

Xander automatically struggled as Spike’s hands clamped his head in place, the vampire pressing his mouth over the irritable socket and gently but inexorably pressing his tongue through the tightly drawn eyelids and into the empty cavity beneath.  The freak out meter understandably went off the scale but Xander forced himself away from panic and somewhere vaguely near to calmer when he realised what was actually happening, knowing that Spike was only trying to help, however bizarre a way he chose to do so.  Cringing at the sensation, Xander waited edgily as Spike’s tongue investigated, and knew that Spike must have been aware of the squick factor because his movements were very slow and deliberate.  The balming effect Xander remembered well from previous ‘treatments’ kicked in, and he concentrated on that as the indefinable irritation began to recede.

Spike gradually withdrew, pausing to give the outer lids a little delicate attention before sitting back and studying the area again.  Nodding with satisfaction, he dared to look Xander in the eye, expecting to have lost a few points here, but okay with that as he was able to assure:

“There isn’t an infection, everything tastes normal; mild inflammation, a little excessive heat.  Could be sinuses, could be slight dehydration.”

Xander stared back in silence for a long moment, allowing the desire to scream to pass.  The subsequent interlude of Spike considerately soothing rather than manhandling him, reminded Xander that, in all honesty, he’d had doctors make him feel worse than this, and Spike’s intentions were as touching as they were scary.  Xander had to deal; Xander wanted to deal.  He rubbed Spike’s side, needing a definite movement to cover the fact that his hands were shaking.

“I scratched you.  You made me jump,” Xander explained, slightest tremor to his voice.

“Yeah, sorry about that, but you wouldn’t have let me…”

“And I wonder why.”

“Done now though.  Feel any better?”  Xander gave it a few second’s consideration; a shallow nod followed.  “That’s all that matters.”

“Sure.  That’s all that matters unless I want some kind of say in what you do with my body.”  Unintentionally provocative choice of words: desire flared between them and they both witnessed it.  Xander struggled to hang onto the last of his justifiable umbrage.  “For the record, and my own peace of mind, is there any place you won’t stick your tongue?”

“Doubt it.  We can experiment right now if you like.”

“No, I don’t like, certainly not right now.”

“Just give us a kiss then,” Spike joked, pursing his lips and blowing fish kisses.

“Fuck off,” Xander told him with a breathy laugh before abruptly pulling him close and hugging him tightly.

Spike hugged back, wishing he knew what to say to reassure Xander rather than making stupid jokes to cover his own inadequacy.  Still, some diversionary tactics were better than others, and he went back to nuzzling before progressing to nibbling the rim of Xander’s ear.

“Still want me?” he whispered.

“Depends how fast you can find mouthwash.  Fuck.  I can’t believe you did that.  And I – I let you.”

“Because you’re starting to understand me better.  That’s nice.  Rare.”

“I’m trying.”

“And when you trust…  No half measures, eh?”

“What would be the point?”

“I never got it, back in Sunnydale, why your girls thought the world of you.  I get it now.  Get it; got you: hope you don’t mind me gloating.”  A brisk shake of the head and then Xander was reaching up to pull Spike’s face around, seeking his mouth, kissing him fervently as hands moved to seize whatever body parts they could find as leverage to draw the vampire fractionally closer.  “Want to come back to bed?” Spike broke away to breathlessly ask.

“Yeah,” Xander replied instantly, more legitimately breathless than Spike, reluctantly letting his grasp be loosened so Spike could stand and urge him to his feet.

Xander’s hands were still trembling: Spike grabbed and stilled them.

“Because of what I did?”

“Uh…not so much.”

“Then…  Nervous, are you?” he asked kindly.

“Ha!  Nervous is for wimps.  With my background I’m opting for…full-blown terror.”

Spike guided the hands he held until Xander’s arms were around his waist.

“Your background?” Spike repeated stiffly.  “You telling me someone in your past did this with you and…”

“No, I didn’t mean that, I meant…  Just…nervous.  Us and…nervous, yes.”

“Why?  We’ve done it before.”

“Yes.  And no.  Not like this.  In fact…  All things considered, can we go with selective memory and try for a new first time?”

“Hearts and flowers?”

Xander shook his head.

“No pain, no confusion, no anonymity.  Not too much to ask for, is it?”

Put in those terms, their previous sexual encounters deserved to be forgotten.  Spike effortlessly slipped into the frame of mind Xander wanted: gentle touches, seductive kisses, whispered words.  Playing at a prospective first time, and a legitimate question:

“So…  You ever done this before?”

“I…umm…  How the hell do I answer that?”

Spike laughed and kissed Xander harder, demanding more and having his demands met with gusto.  Still wrapped around one another they stumbled into the hallway, to the foot of the stairs, where Spike lifted Xander into his arms, and the kissing continued as the remainder of their journey to their bedroom sped up considerably.

Spike tipped them both onto the bed, catching himself on his arms before he fell on top of Xander.  Xander stared up at him, ravenously, panting.

“Tell me you want me, Xander.”

“You have to ask?” Xander gasped, and then he was tearing at Spike’s clothes to get at the flesh beneath, ungraciously allowing the vampire an entire minute of not being groped to allow him to strip them both.

Fast forward abruptly morphed into slow motion as Spike rejoined Xander on the bed, both men awed by the pure sensuality of their naked bodies touching.

“You’re…you’re so…” Xander stuttered as he watched and experienced.  “You have…a great body.”

“What, this old thing?” Spike smiled, determined to lighten the moment before Xander figured out the lack of just sex and took fright.  “I’ve had it for years.”

“Sure, but…timeless.  And it matches everything.”

“Drop of a hat and it’ll match you stroke for stroke.”

“There’s a hat?  You accessorised?”

“Not so much hat as…”  Spike steered Xander’s fingers to the head of his cock, encouraging Xander to explore the unfamiliar foreskin.  “…balaclava.”

They giggled together at the silliness, and the smiles gave way to baser expressions as Xander continued to explore, carefully skimming a fingertip over the tip of Spike’s erection, spreading the slick fluid that reassured him of Spike’s excitement, playing with and becoming more adept at manipulating the extra skin that now moved easily with the increased wetness.

“Okay to…”  He glanced at Spike as he began to push the skin back; a rapid nod and Xander fully revealed the rosy glans, letting it rest, twitching, against the heel of his hand as he scraped blunt nails up the underside of the shaft.  Spike creaked, deep in his throat, and began a slow fuck of Xander’s fist as it curled around him.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Only if it’s ‘Shall I do you right now?’.  To which the answer is a resounding yes.”

“Did you – William – like guys?”

“William wouldn’t have even dared to consider that.  Besides, he was a naïve fool, obsessed with romantic love rather than carnal.”

“Yeah, but still…”

“One of those boors he knew slipped a saucy postcard into his pocket once.  Nothing more than a flash of thigh and a glimpse of bosom, and he was…”

You were,” Xander cheekily corrected.

“All right, I was…  Can we have this conversation…”

“Now.  We’re having it now.”

“One look at the girl in the picture, one touch in private and splat, all over.  Whole night worrying about going blind.”

“Dru must’ve been a shock.”

“Dru was a revelation, a magnificent revelation.  Bit like…”  Xander found himself on his back, Spike straddling his body.  “…you.”  A dip of the hips and Spike rubbed their erections together.  “Xander Harris, who’s going to fuck me.  How wrong does that sound?”

“We can stop,” Xander offered reluctantly, “if it’s that wrong.”

“Not what I mean and you know it.”

Stretching out over Xander, Spike lowered himself, wanting to feel Xander’s hands on him and having to wait less than a second for that, wanting to kiss the man and helping himself to several very passionate kisses.  It wasn’t long before Xander’s fingers were tracing the creases where buttocks met thighs, teasing inward and upward, making Spike grind and groan and practically frog-squat to open himself in invitation.

“We have lube, right?” Xander asked in breathless anticipation.

“Drawer.”

“And you’ll show me what to do?”

“Next time.  Next time I’ll show you, this time…”

Spike sprang up to his knees and snatched the tube of lubricant from the cabinet, dousing his fingers and reaching behind himself to unceremoniously prepare his body.

“I thought I’d be doing that,” Xander said vaguely as he attempted to follow Spike’s movements.  “I wanted to learn.”

“Next time.”

Scant preparation and Spike was shuffling into position, giving Xander’s cock a few strokes and passing on the remainder of the lubricant before edging the tip into place.

“What’s the rush?” Xander demanded as he grabbed Spike to stop him impaling himself.

“Needing this fuck, that’s what.  Inadvertently, maybe, but you’ve been such a bloody tease.”

“I don’t want something that’s over before it’s started; slow down.”

“You were better…”

Spike’s hand shot out and the lights went off; the drapes were so heavy the room was plunged into virtual night.

“No!  I told you…”

Xander’s words were stolen away as Spike pressed down, pushing the head of Xander’s cock inside him, only then slowing to make the penetration a gradual and very erotic experience.  When Spike was finally sitting in the cradle of Xander’s hips he smoothed his lube-tacky hands over the sweat-tacky flesh of Xander’s chest and stomach, smiling at the sensation of muscles quivering beneath the surface.

Xander’s desperate grasp had loosened and the touch that wandered onto Spike’s thighs was light, exploratory, senses other than sight being employed until Spike once again reached out and, with a click that seemed shockingly loud in the silence that had developed, gave Xander the light he’d wanted.  The moment Xander saw Spike his fingers dug into the vampire’s thighs, eye snapping closed, teeth clenching; Spike felt the rigid member inside him swell a little, and was delighted at the proof of his own desirability, knowing that Xander was fighting his climax after merely being confronted with the visual proof of who was riding him.

“Shouldn’t you be looking?”

“Shut up,” was forced through the gritted teeth, and Spike sniggered.

“Did I ever mention…”  Spike slid up a little, down a little.  Wriggled.  “…that you have a splendid prick?”

“Uh…huh.”

“Thought I might’ve.  ‘Cause…”  Spike slid up a little, down a little.  Wriggled.  “Splendid.”

Taking pity on his…  Yes, now, think it now, think it now and it’s true.  …lover, Spike relaxed, persuading Xander to once again unclench his grip and bringing up a hand to play with, distracting Xander from his more urgent need.  Spike rearranged his features from smugly ‘fuck me’ to a non-provocative ‘welcome back’, but there was an odd moment when Xander finally dared to open his eye, staring at one another as if they’d each walked in and caught the other out mid-fuck.  Odd, but certainly stimulating.

Spike began to move, couldn’t not move, speeding up and only faltering for the briefest amount of time when he felt Xander caressing his cock and balls.

“Stop.  Spike, stop.”

Spike, in an unlikely show of compliancy, stopped, exchanging a heated look with Xander before giving himself over to His Lover; Xander tipped them onto their sides, pulling Spike’s leg up over his hip, bending his own and squirming closer as their bodies found a near-perfect fit.

“Okay?”

Spike nodded, attitude lost in the face of Xander’s kisses and touches, letting His Lover lead the fuck, and it was slow.  Sensual.  Felt.

Xander sought and found where their bodies joined, letting his fingertips ride over his slick shaft as he experienced from inside and out, encouraging Spike to feel this too and then both needing a calming rest.  Not for long though, and soon Xander was rolling Spike onto his back and, still the measured fuck, but this was accompanied by a whole new array of kisses that started with Spike’s mouth and explored his neck and shoulders, collar-bone, chest, and Xander alternately sucked the pert brown nipples as he swivelled and dipped and long-stroked, short-stroked, unconsciously gauging every reaction and soon knowing just where to work his cock for the best results, gliding it over what he guessed was Spike’s prostate until the vampire was almost delirious with pleasure.

And Spike…  Think it, you’re allowed to think it, so long as you only think it, don’t say it, just think it.  …Spike, His Lover, was…  Fabulous.  Not enough of a word for so much of a man, but…fabulous.  Receptive and sexy and abandoned.  The perfect and understandable object of desire.

Too close again and Xander rested for a while, breathing heavily between the gentle kisses he couldn’t seem to stop giving Spike; blue eyes slowly opened and met brown; the men gazed at one another, both searching for whatever was going to ruin this.  And…nothing.  There was nothing.  Xander smiled softly and Spike’s eyes closed in bliss as Xander resumed a long, slow fuck that gradually accelerated to fast and relatively furious; so far past stopping and starting, a muttered exchange established that Spike wouldn’t come before Xander, and Xander wouldn’t come before Spike, and even as they laughingly squabbled over that, Xander, desperate for relief, incessantly fucked that recently discovered spot inside Spike until Spike was one protracted, trembling moan of a vampire.  Balancing on one elbow, Xander slipped a hand between them to play with Spike’s cock; a few tweaks and that previously admired technique and Spike was bucking furiously as he fucked Xander’s hand, and Xander was tipped over the edge by knowledge as much as sensation, that this was him and Spike and he was fucking Spike and Spike wanted him and was coming for him.  And Xander, with an exultant holler, was coming for Spike.

The post-coital doze was, by Xander’s reckoning, about thirty-six hours too short, but he grudgingly woke and shuffled across to where Spike was still snoozing, rearranging pillows to avoid that bony shoulder when he snuggled closer.  Spike’s arms enclosed him, perfectly on cue, and he came to the conclusion that, all other benefits aside, it was great being other than strictly heterosexual just for the advantage of being the cuddled rather than the cuddler.  Entirely selfish, and that was fine, so it was somewhat ironic that Spike’s waking words were…

“Are you always that considerate?”

“Uh…I hope so.”

With a laugh, Spike pulled Xander up for an enthusiastic smooch, turning it into a playful tussle that left them both giggling and gasping and flat out.

“Here, you never told me…”

Xander rolled onto his side so he could see Spike comfortably.

“Why do you always end up on my blind side?”

“Do I?”

“Yeah.  I’m assuming you do it on purpose, to be evil in a very minor, acceptable-even-to-a-soul, way.”

“You say the sweetest things.”

“I never told you what?  Did you even ask?  ‘Cause you have this habit of expecting people to just know.

Spike shifted too, onto his side, nose-to-nose with Xander now and leaning in for a kiss.

“Am I the first bloke you’ve been with?  You sort of hinted yes, hinted no.”

Xander took a moment to consider the best answer.  Truthfully, and Spike would be a pain in the ass.  Evasively and…Spike would be a pain in the ass.

“Like this, yes, the first,” Xander admitted.

“Like this?  As opposed to—  That bloody Douglas, it was him, I saw the way you looked at him.”

“Not Doug, no, and…  How do I look at him?”

“All…adoring and…”

“Admiring, maybe.”

“Has he ever…”

“He’s happily married, he has kids…”

“The trappings don’t mean a thing.”

“Then my word will have to.  No Doug.”

“Henry?  Fucking hell, wasn’t some kind of threesome with Medusa…”

“No!” Xander shrieked as he fell back laughing.  “No.  I promise you, no threesomes.”

“Want me to beat it out of you?”

“Depends on what you were beating me with.”

“Ah.  Need me to fuck it out of you.  I can do that.”

Xander looked at Spike, trying to gauge what was beneath the blasé surface.

“Does it bother you in any way?  Matter other than piquing your curiosity?”

“You know I can’t help feeling possessive: demons are naturally selfish.”

“How does that affect you now?  With the soul?”

“Do we have to do this?  When I said what I did at the motel…”

“That was…out of context.  We’re kinda…contexty right now.”

“I still doubt the answers are anything you want to hear.”

Interest roused, Xander rolled onto his side once again, studied Spike’s disgruntled expression with amusement.

“You have to tell me.”

“Forgot you’re as nosy as me, didn’t I?”  Xander smiled.  Spike sighed.  “What if it puts you off me?”

“That’d be sooo likely,” Xander teased, running his fingers over Spike’s body, throat to navel.  “You can tell, huh?  That I’m seriously in danger of coming to my senses.”

Spike caught Xander’s hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing the presumptive fingertips one by one.

“That’s…  I love the way you do things like that.  Do you have to remind yourself to do that or…  Don’t smirk behind my hand, I can feel it.”

“Answer the question.”

“Answer mine.”

“I was first,” Spike insisted as he tasted himself on Xander’s hand and the smile widened.

“What, no, when, I…  Oh, the guy thing.  That isn’t as important as the demon and soul thing.  And after the demon is explained, maybe the guy thing isn’t.”

“The guy thing.  Please.”

“That’s crafty, the please.  Denying a please from you is the equivalent of shooting an endangered species.”

Spike laughed and bit down; Xander eeped a protest and joined in the laughter.

“Worried it will spoil this?”

“Yeah,” Xander answered immediately and honestly, humour dissolving at the thought of losing what they’d found together, or, God forbid, being back to living on the threshold of hostility.

“It won’t.”

“Tell me about the demon and the soul.  You know I’m not asking out of idle curiosity.”

Deep breath and Spike fixed an assessing look on Xander, feeling the affection and, however unlikely it still seemed, the trust.  He nodded, and wondered where to start alienating his new-found lover.

“If this went pear-shaped it would be easy enough for you to drop me and move on…”

“No, not easy, not at all.  You know that’s why I was so reluctant to get involved, even just physically.”

“Yes.  Not easy.  Possible then.  Possible for you to move on.  But if your moving on wasn’t my choice, the demon would become fixated over reclaiming you.  Anyone who submits to a demon becomes its property, and before you say it, I know there was never any deliberate submission as such on your part but…”

“I remember what you said about the…‘distraught fumblings’, I think it was.  And if they were enough to make you think I’d submitted, then what happened when you came back from LA…  Desperate, submissive, take your pick.”

“I’m glad you can see that without me having to spell it out.  It didn’t – doesn’t – make me think of you as weak, the weaker, I don’t think of you like that, but the demon…”

“Does it help to talk about the demon as if it’s a separate entity?  Sometimes you say ‘I’ and ‘me’, sometimes it’s as if you’re trying to put a distance between you and…uh…yourself.  Okay, that didn’t make much sense, but you see my point?”

“Does that matter too?”

“Only if you’re still worried that I can’t cope with you being a vampire.”

Spike considered that for a moment before continuing.

“Regardless of who or what, mortal, immortal, sire or minion, vampire, slayer, human, once taken, you’re all considered property, and fair game.  No intellect involved, just basic instinct.”

“But you’re not just the demon.  What about the soul?”

“The soul doesn’t stop the way the demon – I – feel.  It can’t always stop me acting on those feelings, although it gives me hell afterwards, and I swear I’m trying my best to…”

“Hey, you don’t have to convince me, having a conscience doesn’t make everything black and white.”

“Does it still frighten you though?  My possessiveness.”

“If it means…” Xander thought aloud, “…that I’m safer, because your instincts insist that you don’t give me up to that entity, then…  We probably need to sound the stupidity alarm here, but, I want you to feel possessive.  A little possessive.  It may be the only security I have.”

Spike studied Xander closely.

“Does it bother you at all?  You don’t seem genuinely bothered.”

“Well…yes, you know how I feel about the thought of being property, it took me a long time to get over the whole Dracula episode.  If you suddenly get insanely proprietary it will bother me, but you’re pretty cool about it, and what’s the point in worrying about any of this until we’re alive and kicking in the wake of the Dead Guy event?  Plus, I can be possessive too.  It doesn’t do any harm to remind myself of that and try to keep away from double standards.”  Xander paused, remembering.  “What you said actually explains a lot about the you before the soul.”

“Not going there.”

“Where?”

There.”

“Okay.  Okay, no going there.”

“Ready to tell me about your string of blokes then?” Spike asked, too cheerfully, clearly avoiding a subject he wasn’t prepared to confront.

“What string?”  Xander gave in and agreeably went where he was led.  “It was…  When I came back from Africa I came on the boat rather than flew.  There was a nice guy, there was some fairly juvenile groping, there was…nothing like this.”

“Shipboard romance?” Spike snickered.

“Yeah, how about that?  I’m living every teenage girl’s dream.”

“You knew you weren’t…averse…how far back?”

“Guy on the boat made me realise, really realise, and don’t do the ‘denial’ joke, it’s wasted on me: I never got to Egypt.”

“Not before?  Not in Sunnydale?  Never looked at me and…”

“Never, never looked at you.”

“But if you think back now…?”

Xander’s brain rewound the best part of a decade.

“Oh, God, I really shouldn’t say this,” Xander chuckled.

“Still not me?”

“Still not you.”

“Not Angel?  If you fancied that twat…”

“Eww, nasty Spike,” Xander grimaced.

“Who?  No.  Wait.  Figured it out, don’t say another fucking…”

“Riley.”

“…word.  That tosser!”

“In retrospect…  Would have been Riley.”

“He was—  Shame on you, Harris.”

A glance at Spike’s scowl and Xander inched closer.

“Not now.  I wouldn’t look twice now.”

“Assuming you’re back home in a month, tucked up in bed with your hand on your prick…  Who are you thinking about?”

“It’ll be…”  Xander gave the vampire a tender kiss.  “…whoever the page opens on.”

“You’re such a tart: lying here with me, naked and covered in my spunk, and you’re already dreaming about some airbrushed bint.”

“Who do you think, Spike?” Xander asked meaningfully.  “Who will I be thinking of?”

Spike’s hand shot out to hold the back of Xander’s neck, and he pulled him close for a hard kiss.

“Hate the idea of you thinking of someone else,” Spike admitted, and the intensity should have worried Xander.  “Knowing you could be with someone else.  I’d want to kill them.  I’d have to kill them.”

“Stop it,” Xander whispered, “stop that, it won’t get to that.”

“Minute you began to sing, Xander, I had to have you.”

“This again?  I’ll start thinking you’re old and senile if you keep repeating yourself.”

“I was fascinated watching you work, and then you sang and…  My mum coming through changed things for me, made me see you as a person not a messenger.”

“Funny.  I would’ve thought it’d be the other way around.”

“Yeah, would’ve thought.”  Spike paused; Xander amused himself by playing with the vampire’s rumpled hair, twisting two clumps of gelled curls into devilish horns.  “But there you have it: where the wanting began.  I can’t want by fraction.  If I want you at all, I want you all.  I can’t think about you lusting after Riley, or…”

“That wasn’t serious, c’mon, and I…  Wait, go back…”  Xander frowned as what Spike had said sank in, and right then he was enormously glad he’d kept any thoughts of potential capitulation to himself.  “I gave you that message and…  It’s what I am, not who I am, isn’t it?”  His face crumpled in disappointment.  “It’s not me.  This, here, now, it’s not about who I am.”

“It is you.”

“This could have been anyone.”

“You.”

“It could have been anyone, any…any…medium who brought your mom through.”

“It wasn’t anyone, it was…”

“You criticised Marcie for this and you’re…”

“I’m not.”

“You don’t get it.  Maybe I’m a fool to expect you to when it’s all about you.”

Xander tried to move away but Spike held him firmly; Xander gave up his struggles in less than thirty seconds but remained rigid within the enforced embrace.

“Actually, Xander, Love, I do get it.  You want to be wanted for you.  But I’m not allowed that, am I?  To want you?  Not for anything more than just sex at any rate.  I can’t say that your abilities made me take a fresh look at Xander Harris and let me see the new you, this upgraded version who was going to enthral me.  Can’t admit to that, can I?”

“No, you can’t.  Let me go.”

“I don’t want to let you go.”

Xander gave a humourless laugh as he slumped.

“I’m so desperate to hear those words from somebody.  Why does it have to be you?  You, and right now.”  Xander laid his head alongside Spike’s on the pillow, felt the restrictive hold diminish into one of their usual hugs.  “I won’t be your pet medium.  Cut through the bull, get back to just sex and I can live with this.  For now.  I’m Xander, I’m me, I’m not a freak, I’m not a sideshow, and I’m not…property.”

“I know.”

“Okay,” Xander sighed.  “Hungry and nosy.  Food, couple of hours reading this place, then we should be looking at leaving.”

Xander felt Spike nod his agreement, but neither of them made a move to put the plans into action.  Spike simply dragged the tangled covers over them and tucked Xander in, turning to rest his temple against Xander’s brow and remaining still and quiet for a while.

 

“The bloke on the boat.”

“What about him?”

“Who made the move?”

“He did.  I liked him, he was a nice guy, but it never occurred to me to look at him in that way until he made the move he made.”

“Didn’t fancy him?”

“Not so you’d notice.”

“What was he like?”

“He was…nice.  Fun.”

“Physically?”

“Physically…  About my height.  Big build.  Tanned.  Hair…light brown, and sun-bleached lighter.  Streaky.  Can’t remember what colour his eyes were.  Nice fingernails; funny what you do and don’t remember.”

“But he didn’t…y’know…  You didn’t really fancy him.”

“Not really.  He wasn’t…  Like this.  You.”

The hold tightened again for several seconds until Xander shrugged it loose, trying to tell Spike he wasn’t getting it all his own way, knowing he should move, but…what the hell.

The further dozing curtailed the food/nosiness time considerably; Xander made himself a sandwich and ate as he wandered the house.  Spike followed some way behind and enjoyed the interaction between Xander and the spirits, particularly the moments with the children, although it did leave him wondering how one man could be so loving with kids he barely knew, while a father could be unconscionably brutal with the boy he’d sired.  Ridiculous that the thought of Edmund bothered him so much but, ever since that disquieting contact at the lake, Spike couldn’t help tensing whenever Xander made a strong but unexpected connection.

He saw Xander take a deep breath before entering the dining room, closing the gap between them in case he needed to step in and see off the nasty that lurked in this area, but it was soon plain that Xander had the situation completely under control, to the extent that he took his time patiently explaining to the irascible spirit what had happened to his original house, and why the stones were somewhere alien to him.

“It’s much more difficult,” Xander told Spike as he joined him for a moment’s respite, “getting messages to them, rather than from them, especially when they’re as fixated as he is.”

Spike unconsciously rubbed the spot on Xander’s torso that the medium had referred to as the psychic socket, pseudo-casually withdrawing his hand when he noticed Xander’s indulgent smile.

“Done here, then?”

Xander glanced at the window; the last of the light that had been creeping around the shutters was gone.

“Yeah, maybe we should make a move.  Did you speak to Angel?”

“No news about those blokes who tried to grab you.  He was pretty surprised seeing as the whole case seems flat as a pancake.”

“This going to be one massive anti-climax, isn’t it?  Inter-dimensional war will prove to be a spelling mistake in the original prophecy and I miss out on the timely death that will save me from having to answer hundreds of embarrassing questions about what we got up to on this trip.”

“Want to know how to deal with questions like that?  Make the answers twice as shocking as anyone imagined they’d be.  In fact, if we show a little creativity, you won’t even have to lie.”

Xander rolled his eye and Spike decided the general mood was good enough to see if Xander was approachable; he leaned in and gave him a casual peck, only to be prodded away.  Before he could begin to feel miffed, Xander was turning him and pointing him toward the hallway.

“There.  That’s Em, she’s entirely solid; can’t you see anything of her?  To me she’s…”

Xander squeezed Spike’s shoulders to make the point about how substantial the woman appeared, but Spike could only stare at nothing and shake his head.

“And I have seen ghosts in the past.  Seems that only when I want to see them I can’t.”

“Maybe I affect you too, or the way you affect me affects you.”

“I know exactly how you affect me and it’s nothing to do with ghosts.”

“Yes, it is.  What I am, remember?  Have you been turned on, watching me talk to them?”

“Interested.  Sometimes fascinated.  But it’s now, feeling your breath on my skin, that I’m getting turned on.  Who, not what.”

“You’re just contradiction after contradiction, you know that?”

“Comes from not being allowed to say what I want to.”

“What’s stopping yo—  Forget I said that.”

Xander’s arms slipped around Spike’s waist, and he pressed his lips against the vampire’s neck, remained there as Spike said:

“We’re still leaving, Love.”

“Your point?”

“You have to stop.”

“Duty over sex?  And you think I’m the freak!”

“Think of this as…taking precautions.  The ultimate safe sex.”

“Yeah, I know you’re right, but…  Oh, boy.”

“Good, was it?”

“Way beyond good.”  Beat.  “Wasn’t it?  ‘Cause…  You can tell me.  If it was bad.  If you were disappointed.”

“Can I?”

“Sure.  Just…don’t.”

With a chuckle Spike swivelled within Xander’s hold, looking him straight in the eye.

“Beyond good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.  So, let’s get out of here and find somewhere new where we can do it again…”

“And again and again.”

“…without worrying about unwelcome visitors.”  Spike ran his hands down Xander’s sides, around to meet in the small of his back.  “Somewhere I can explore more of your nooks and crannies.”  Xander…twitched.  “Ah.  How is your face, by the way, you haven’t mentioned it since I—”  Xander’s expression explicitly told of the folly of putting that into words.  “How is it?”

“Not too bad.  Couple of moments when I’ve been aware of it, but pretty much back to normal.”

“If it helps I’ll do…that thing…that I did…or maybe not.  Fucking hell, if you can send me a look that evil as a human, you’d make a stunning vampire.”

“Spike…  These nooks and crannies…  You thinking about…er…revisiting any, other than the face?  Because…all I remember is how much the initial visit hurt, and I don’t think I can cope with that again.”

“I was thinking more of all the places I haven’t kissed you yet.  Tasted you.  Like…”  Fingers tapped the dip in Xander’s back.  “I want to know every inch of your body.”

“Oh,” Xander murmured, grateful when Spike took the time to close his jaw for him.  He swallowed audibly.  “No-one…  It’s, um…  ‘Kay.”

“When we get where we’re going.”

“’Kay.”

“So…  Better get packed up, eh?”

“’Kay.”

“Xander?”

“’Kay.”

“Stop fantasising and start—”

Spike was silenced by a passionate kiss as Xander’s tongue did a little exploring of its own, pressing through closed lips that opened in surprise, sharing his own unique flavour as he experienced Spike’s.  Barely half a step from each of them brought their groins together; a little friction and Xander was groaning at that evocative pleasure/frustration mix he was growing to love and hate, letting it bring thoughts of Spike before and Spike during and Spike now, right now and…and…  Why was he being put aside?  Oh, right, packing, leaving, safety, end of the world.  Balls.  Spike easily avoided the retrieving lunge.  And the next.

Spiiiiike.”

“I won’t let anything happen to you,” Spike explained as he backed out of Xander’s reach, and out of the room.  “Ten minutes and we’re leaving; shift your arse.”

Xander wasted two minutes wondering if he could jerk off in five minutes and pack in five, by which time he had to figure out if four and four was an option, by which time…

Xander adjusted himself, went to pack, and grouched, grouched, grouched.

 

“Xander!  Shut up!”

“I don’t see why we can’t stay here another day.”

“Because people know where we are.”

“Where the fuck are they then?  Why aren’t they breaking down the door or blowing up the place?”

“Bored, are you?”

“No.  But I didn’t agree to the just sex in order to not have the just sex.”

“Your safety has to come first.”

“I don’t care who or what comes first, so long as I get my turn.  Just one more da—”

“If we stay here, I’m going to fuck you,” Spike said bluntly.  “You’ll say no, I’ll say yes, I’ll persuade you, you’ll end up hating me…  How much more of the scenario do you want?”

“You’d do that?” Xander asked quietly.

We would, yes.  You don’t need me to tell you.”

Pause.

“Can you please be lying?”

“If I admit I’m lying you’ll go back to whingeing and procrastinating.”

“No, I won’t.  You’ve made your point about how much you want us to leave.”

“Have I?”  Xander nodded and remained staring at Spike, the wary expression on his face filling Spike with pointless rage.  “Don’t look at me like that, you know I’m lying, you know I’m just trying to force you out of here, don’t…”  Another glance at Xander’s face and the rage was gone as quickly as it arrived.  “Don’t, Love.  Don’t be scared of me.”

“I’m not scared of you.  I’m scared of what I could be persuaded to do with you, but…”

“You’re not ready.  And I’m not a fool.”

In silence, Xander packed away the last of his belongings.  Spike stayed with him; with him but not with him.  He stared out of the window, rigid and unapproachable.

“That’s everything,” Xander told Spike, not surprised that he didn’t get an answer or even an acknowledgement.  “If you’re gonna be mad at me…”

“I’m not.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, you are.  You got something to say, just spit it out.”

Spike made a slow turn, inscrutable expression giving nothing away.

“I don’t want to see you die,” he said calmly.  “I don’t want to be responsible for your death.  I hate threatening you to motivate you, but I can’t find a way to make you take the threat seriously.”

Xander already had his hands raised in a gesture of surrender.

“I know, I know.  There was a moment yesterday, but since then…”  Xander shrugged.  “I think it’s my past.  Those years with Buffy.”

“Surviving Sunnydale by the skin of your teeth doesn’t make you immortal.”

“Not immortal.  More…impervious?  Does that make sense?”

“S’pose.”

“And I do feel safe with you.  Safe with you, and with you keeping me safe.  This place, too, very secure, great.”

“Safest is being out of sight.”

“Yes,” Xander agreed firmly.  “We’re leaving.  I’m ready.”  Spike crossed and picked up their bags.  A further softly spoken apology came from Xander as Spike passed by, but Spike kept moving, refusing to even look in Xander’s direction.

 

The car, identical to the one at the cabin, turned out to be a Cadillac STS, and Xander circled it admiringly as Spike packed the trunk.

“Can I drive?”

“When we’re clear of this place.”

“Can we have just sex in the back seat?”

“When we’re clear of this place.”

“Can I have your complete attention for one entire minute?  Before we’re clear of this place.”

Exuding bad attitude, Spike strolled to Xander, pressing the button on the key fob that started the car’s engine, hopefully making the point that Xander had his one minute and that was all.

“What?”

“Apparently I’m a pain in the ass.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“But the problem with me being a pain in the ass is your problem.  On this occasion, it’s also your fault.”

“Bollocks.”

“I haven’t been this close to anyone in years, and I wouldn’t be this close to you now if you hadn’t pushed.”

“What then?  Closeness equals death wish?”

“Closeness equals…”  Xander leaned in, somewhat stiltedly, knowing his minute and possibly his luck was close to running out.  Kissing Spike was certainly worth the risk, and when he wasn’t automatically rejected he dared to pull Spike closer, enveloping him in a hug and feeling the moment when Spike began to want him again, when the body language evolved from ‘sod off’ to ‘semi-reluctantly all yours’.  Xander fully-reluctantly broke the kiss before too many unapproved minutes mounted up.  “I am a pain in the ass, and…I think I’ll always be a pain in the ass.  But you shouldn’t start something with someone you know is a pain in the ass and then expect them to be any different.”

“That’s true,” Spike conceded.

“If I’m a bigger pain because all I can think about is having sex with you…”

“Yeah, all right.”

“Is it?  All right?  Are we?”

“We will be, providing you get in the car now and don’t speak for the next fifty miles unless it’s to tell me you’re going to do as you’re told in future.”

“I can…get in the car,” Xander offered, fighting back a grin at Spike’s expected flouncy show of frustration.  Less expected was being jerked into a strong embrace and kissed like it was going out of fashion.

“Get in the car,” Spike snapped as he released Xander.

“This would be why all I can think about is…”

“Get in the bloody car!”

“I am!  This is me getting into the car.”

Xander settled down, clicked the seat belt into place, and watched Spike’s hands on the steering wheel as they drove from the house’s grounds.  Thought about those hands on his body.  Wondered if it was socially unacceptable to jerk off in the passenger seat of a complete stranger’s shiny new Cadillac.

 

 

Manifestation 19       Manifestation Index       Manifestation Notes

 

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